Welcome back!

Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in your life? Do you sometimes think about these things over and over again, not coming up with a solution–just more worry?

Worrying can become a habit that feeds your stress level. Habits are formed when you do something so often that you start doing it without realizing that you’ve even started. It repeats involuntarily.

If your anxiety ever leads to feelings of fear or hopelessness that these things will ever change, then worrying has probably become a habit that would be best for you to break, and the sooner the better.

“A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.”
~John Lubbock

But What if it’s Not Even True?

One of the primary causes of worry is thinking you’re trapped or stuck–without any option you enjoy. Feeling stuck starts when you dwell on the things you’re worried about instead of taking action. Without taking action, you’re not giving yourself the option of doing anything but worry, and unrelieved anxiety can be the cause of intense stress.

The first action you can take to free yourself from anxiousness and worry is to ask yourself a simple question–one that can alter your perception of any situation.

“Is there anything I believe about this situation that may not be true?”

Often we’re worried about things based on what we think is true in a situation without ever verifying that our assumptions are accurate.

Question Your Assumptions

So, any time you notice you’re feeling worried or anxious, ask yourself this question: “Is there anything I believe about this situation that may not even be true?”

If nothing occurs to you, then write out a statement of what you’re worried about. And then make list of whatever you believe is true that causes this worry. You can then ask this question about each thing on this list.

Our experience is that we can always find at least one assumption we’ve made that we don’t know for certain is true.

Learn to Relax

Do this each time you find yourself rehashing an old worry and you’ll start seeing a shift in your perspective. Do it often enough and you’ll spend a lot less time worrying and experience less stress, freeing up your time and energy for more pleasurable activities.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To discover more strategies for reducing your levels of worry and anxiety, read our article:
How to Stop Worrying About Things You Don’t Want and Happily Pursue Those You Do!

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Are there relationships in your life that aren’t going the way you want them to? Are you trying your best but things don’t seem to change? If so… Relationship intelligence includes knowing exactly what you want, and then knowing how to create a conscious intention that will help you get it.

Do Intentions Really Affect Your Relationships?

The short answer is yes! Intentions are a simple yet powerful tool that you can use to set your desires in motion.

You might want a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with one of your parents. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Perhaps you crave a more supportive relationship with your boss; or maybe, after work, you want more fun and connection with friends. You can create an intention for any relationship that you would like to improve.

But What Are Conscious Intentions?

Whether or not you are aware of it, you have an intention every time you interact with someone. Even an unconscious intention can be sensed by others, and if they sense that you are dissatisfied with the relationship, they will often take this personally and interpret whatever you do as criticism.

Unfortunately, when this happens it creates more problems, the opposite of what you actually want–a better relationship.

If you’re dissatisfied with any relationship in your life, we suggest that–before you spend another moment with that person–you create a conscious intention for your relationship.

Relationship Intelligence Starts with You

Decide what qualities you want in the relationship, and then use these qualities to create your conscious intention. Use positive language to word your intention.

Here are some examples: “I intend to have more fun and adventure with my spouse,” or “I intend to create a relationship based on connecting and having fun with my sister.”

Don’t write an intention about what you don’t want, or use negative or pessimistic language. Avoid sentences like, “I don’t want my mother to nag me anymore.”

Notice that conscious intentions are expressed as values, or qualities of life. Since what you focus your attention on grows, if you spend a few minutes every day reading your intentions out loud, they are more likely to happen.

Do Intentions Really Work?

Try them out and see! Pick a few relationships in your life where you would like to see improvement. Then write down the qualities you want to experience with that person. Begin with the words, “I intend….” Make sure you express what you want in positive language.

Every day, take a few minutes to read your intentions out loud, and then notice how your relationships begin to change for the better.

As we so often say… the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Difficult Conversations About Tough Issues

With everything that is going on these days–the elections fast approaching, economic worries, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan having no end in sight–you’re bound to have a lot on your mind. Are there times you’d like to talk to someone, but feel worried about bringing these topics up for fear it will end up as a debate or even an outright argument?

This fear is the result of the Us Against Them mindset that is so prevalent in our culture. Whenever we disagree with someone, this mindset leads us headlong into intense debates or arguments in order to determine who is right and who is wrong about the issue.

Creating a WE Mindset

In order to create relationships from a new perspective–what we call the We mindset–it’s critical that we start by establishing a sense of alignment.

The process of creating alignment begins by getting clear about what’s important to everyone involved–what you each value. To figure this out you can start by asking: “How do we want to treat each other during the conversation about the issue?” and then, “How can we discover what we each value, rather than just debating our opinions?”

So instead of beginning a conversation by arguing the issue–such as whether or not we need more or fewer troops in Iraq–you try to discover what values are represented by these opinions. People with either of these opinions may each value safety, support, or perhaps predictability.

Discovering Alignment in Underlying Values

That’s the interesting thing about creating alignment. When you get under people’s opinions and get to their values, you’ll find that these are often the same. And that makes it much easier to get on the same page.

Creating this initial alignment is how you start co-creating a context for discussions where everyone’s ideas are heard and valued–where the point is to exchange ideas and gain clarity, rather than prove whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong.

Beginning any important conversation by creating alignment paves the way for far greater satisfaction for everyone involved, and allows for the possibility of being heard and understood about what’s really important to you.

“I now see that the major shift in human evolution is from behaving like an animal struggling to survive to behaving like an animal choosing to evolve. … And to evolve, we need a new kind of thinking and a new kind of behavior, a new ethic and a new morality. It will be that of the evolution of everyone rather than the survival of the fittest.”
~Jonas Salk Quote

Alignment is crucial if you want to enjoy the benefits of the We mindset in your relationships.

Two Questions that Ease Communication

So, before you have any important conversation, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “How would I like this conversation to go?” and, “How can we get to what we value rather than just debating our opinions?” This internal clarity will help get you focused on the We mindset prior to starting the conversation.

Then, start the conversation by letting the other person know you would like to hear what’s important to them about the topic, and let them know you’d also like to he heard and understood about what’s going on for you. Ask if that kind of conversation would be enjoyable for them as well.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To learn more about creating alignment and how to have a life filled with joy and satisfaction, visit:
The Art of Conscious Connection

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Is Low Self-Esteem Holding You Back?

Do you sometimes worry you’ll never be “good enough” to achieve your goals? If so, you’re not alone. Low self-esteem often prevents people from realizing their dreams. The first step in overcoming this is discovery what prevents you from having high enough self-esteem in the first place.

In our work, we’ve found that our self-esteem results in a large part from having grown up in a culture that uses a system of punishments and rewards to get us to “behave.” Growing up in this culture causes many people to develop certain limiting beliefs about themselves–beliefs that negatively impact their self-esteem.

What We Focus Our Attention on Grows

This happens because these beliefs create habits in the way we focus our attention on ourselves and on our circumstances. And the simple truth is that what we focus our attention on we become more and more aware of in our lives.

Have you ever wanted a new car? Did you notice that as soon as you decided on just the perfect make and model you started noticing that particular car everywhere? This occurs because our brain is hardwired for pattern recognition. As soon as we start to recognize a particular pattern as important to us, we start seeing that pattern everywhere.

This works just the same way when you focus your attention on beliefs about yourself. If you believe you’re not good enough to achieve your desires and goals, then you’ll notice “not being good enough” everywhere you look.

We find these beliefs are the primary cause of low self-esteem. They drastically limit your choices about how you see yourself and the world around you. And just as importantly, how you believe others see you.

The First Step on the Path to Higher Self-Esteem

The sooner you begin noticing these limiting beliefs, the sooner you can start choosing where you prefer to focus your attention, and the sooner you can start consciously choosing what you want to create in your life.

“You have the power in the present moment to change limiting beliefs and consciously plant the seeds for the future of your choosing. As you change your mind, you change your experience.”
~Serge Kahili King

So, if you find that you are not enjoying what’s happening around you, notice what you’re thinking. Then try to determine what beliefs are causing that thinking by asking yourself this question: “Do I have a limiting belief that prevents me from feeling more confident and hopeful in this moment?”

If the answer is yes, then find at least one thing you enjoy about yourself or how you might be able to respond in the situation, and focus your attention on that. Because what you focus your attention on will grow.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

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When Does 50 Plus 50 Still Equal 50?

You’ve probably heard it said that for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50?

Well, it’s a myth that happiness and satisfaction can only come from a 50/50 relationships-where each person contribute equally-doing their 50% to make the relationship work.

You can spot people who believe this myth in all kinds of relationships: between friends, romantic partners, family members and business colleagues. Belief in this myth is a major reason why people find themselves dissatisfied and frustrated about their relationships.

Why? Because if we expect the other person to do their 50% and they don’t do it, we become disappointed and upset. As soon as one person starts keeping score to make sure the other person is doing their 50%, it becomes very difficult to have a relationship that’s happy and satisfying.

We suggest that you stop spending your time making sure the other person is completing their 50% and instead, start being 100% responsible for your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

We know this is a radical idea, but when we pass on the responsibility for our satisfaction and control of our feelings to anyone or anything “out there”, we limit our power and the possibilities for our happiness. We may want to be happy, but we’ve put our happiness in the hands of other people.

Be 100% Responsible

Being 100% responsible means you never give up, and never give in on anything that is important to you. If something is missing in your relationship, what can you do to make sure you get it? If something’s happening in your relationship you don’t like, what can you do to change how it’s happening?

Don’t ever leave your ability to have a satisfying relationship in anyone else’s hands. If a healthy, happy relationship is what you’re looking for, start creating 100% relationships with yourself and others today.
How do you start? By noticing if you pay more attention to whether the other person is doing their 50%. If you do, stop and identify what’s happening that you’re not enjoying, what it is that you do want to happen, and figure out one thing you can do to get what you want.

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Do You Play the Blame Game?

Do you ever hear yourself say things like: “They were so rude”, “He is so selfish”, or “She’s such a control freak.” What about when you’re driving and some one cuts you off… is “What an idiot, jerk, lousy driver” the first thing out of your month? If any of this sounds familiar then you’re playing a game that no one ever wins. It’s called “The Blame Game”.

When you focus on negative labels about what people “are” (demanding, controlling, manipulative) it’s certain that no one will end up happy or satisfied with the interaction. And what makes these situations even worse is that focusing on what people “are” prevents you from taking control because you’re giving way all of your personal power.

When you label people you place the full responsibility for improving matters on them. If you believe that you’re unhappy because they “are” selfish or unreasonable then your problems cannot be resolved until they change their ways. This blame game prevents you from overcoming your hurt feelings and can lead to serious relationship problems.

But you can take back responsibility for your own happiness. The first step in reclaiming control is to release the idea that other people are causing your emotional pain. When you realize that it’s your thinking about people using negative labels that is causing you to feel bad you’ve taken your first step forward.

Letting go of these negative labels allows you to focus on what you “do want” in each situation. You can then ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved.

When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as opportunities to explore ways of meeting everyone’s needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship with others and yourself.

Try This Tomorrow

Any time you hear yourself blaming someone or complaining about circumstances in your life, figure out what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved and then identify at least one action you can take or a request you can make that will improve your situation.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until tomorrow…
Beth and Neill

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Many people confuse responsibility with duty, obligation, requirements… in short, things you “have to do”. “I have to take my husband to the airport.” “I have to make sure that my kids get a good education.” “I have to make dinner, do the laundry, mow the lawn, fix the car, clean the house…”

The most surefire method I know of to have someone resent something is to lead them to believe they have no choice in the matter. “Who died and left you the boss of me?”

It’s nice to see when others offer a perspective that is similar to ours. We found one that we think is worth reading here:

We choose to define responsibility as “our ability to respond” = response ability. Many of the uncontrollable circumstances and events Michael Miles speaks of are beyond our ability to respond to effectively. But even in these circumstances, we are never left without choice.

That’s why one of the favorite closings we use at the bottom of our messages is…

The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice,
Neill Gibson

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Dealing With Criticism from the Inside Out

Massive or minuscule, spoken or silence, big upsets or small irritations… Have you ever become aware of how much time and mental energy we spend criticizing ourselves? Or how stressed and horrible this internal criticism leaves you feeling? Criticize yourself long enough and you can end up feeling cynical and resigned about things ever being any different.

Where Did This Inner Critic Come from?

We are trained from a very young age that there are right and wrong ways to do things, and good and bad ways to act. So, when something happens, our first tendency is to decide if the action is good or bad, and who’s right or wrong. We learn this lesson so well that we end up judging ourselves in the same way. Consequently, when we do something that we don’t enjoy, or someone else is dissatisfied with us, we judge ourselves in the same way–as inappropriate, selfish, rude and our actions as unacceptable, uncaring, or any number of other labels.

All these internal judgments become our constant companions, our inner critic.

We have gotten so good at criticizing ourselves, we tend to miss seeing the reality of what’s happening. When we keep our attention focused on blaming, judging, and criticizing ourselves, it keeps us from being able to see just the facts of the situation. It becomes impossible for us to separate the reality from all our judgments and stories about what has happened.

“There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.”
~ Steven Covey

What Is the Hidden Gift Your Inner Critic Is Trying to Give You?

Believe it or not it is possible to hear every inner criticism as an opening–a gift–to discover what’s deeply important to you and an opportunity to get in action creating things the way you want them to be?

We believe that every criticism is an unfinished articulation of a deeply held value. Your inner critic can actually be the keys to your happiness. Once you have the skills, you can use your tricky little jail keeper to unlock the judgments holding your values captive.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

Five Keys that Release Your Inner Critic and allow him or her to become Your Inner Guide

1) Download our free Values worksheet to help you identify what you value.
http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) The next time you notice yourself criticizing something you’ve done, stop and ask yourself, “How would I describe what happened if I didn’t have any criticism or judgments about it?” You can do this by pretending you are a video camera, what would the camera see?

3) Using the Values worksheet, identify what’s important to you that are missing from the situation. Some examples would include statements like: “I really want to have more FUN when I visit my family” or “I’m so tense and I want to feel more at PEACE when I come home after work.”

4) Ask yourself, “How would this situation be different if what was important to me–what I value–was present in the situation?”

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can – I – do in this moment to help create what I want most in this situation?”

Live What You Value and You Shall Experience a Life You Love

Practicing these steps will support you in gently releasing your inner critic and allow your inner guide to blossom.

Being able to create who you are from your values is one of the outcomes people experience as a result of doing our courses. If you’re ready to learn how to do this for yourself and discover additional personal growth skills , sign up for our complementary thought provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928

Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

With love and light,
Beth

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What’s your perception?

Are you sure it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world and you better “look out for number one” at all costs? What if everyone could get what they want at no one else’s expense? What would the world be like then?

In most modern culture, competition is encouraged as the best way to get ahead. We’re taught early on that “winning” brings success, while “losing” is a mark of disgrace. But the dilemma is, if one person is winning, then someone else is guaranteed to be losing.

Competition results from the belief that there’s not enough to go around–if others get what they want, I can’t get what I want. While the idea of competition is so deep-seated that it appears to be the that we breathe, luckily that’s not true. We have the choice to behave creatively. In contrast to competition, a creative perspective is based on thinking strategically with the goal of finding options that everyone can be happy with.

“Creativity often consists of merely turning up what is already there.”
~Bernice Fitz-Gibbon

Imagine that creating is like having a blank canvas, where you can produce effective communication and craft solutions that will satisfy everyone. Think about how much more enjoyable life would be if everyone was working toward the same goal. With a little practice and effort, we can re-train ourselves to think in terms of creating rather than competing.

Give it a go for yourself…identify a competitive situation in your life and readjust your thinking to view it from a creative perspective. Look for solutions that will satisfy everyone involved and take action toward making them happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
Until next week…

With Love,

Beth and Neill

To learn more about how to craft creative solutions, read our article:
The Negotiation Dance

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Busy Busy Busy

With as busy as we’ve been lately, we’ve decided that it’s time to take a break. next week, we’re off to Ojai California for a quiet relaxing week away. Yippee!

We are feeling extraordinarily grateful that we’re able to take this time for ourselves. Things just fell into place. We easily found someone to take care of mom, son Spenser is beginning to fend for himself , and we have support holding down the business fort while we’re away.

If you’re anything like we are, taking time for yourself isn’t always possible. home and business responsibilities may keep us from taking the needed rest, relaxation and playtime we so often need.

At those times how do you experience relief?

That’s why today we’d like to share an article with you from a terrific blog we found.

Zen Habits is one of the top blogs on the Internet, and covers: achieving goals, productivity, being organized, GTD, motivation, eliminating debt, saving, getting a flat stomach, eating healthy, simplifying, living frugal, parenting, happiness and successfully implementing good habits.

This particular blog post covers ways to find daily silence, which supports us in creating our–oh so needed–rest relaxation and fun.

Enjoy!

The Sound of Silence/

http://zenhabits.net

With love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

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This morning we received an e-mail from a dear friend talking about the presidential election. The suggestion in this e-mail is in harmony with what we believe and we will begin this practice tomorrow morning during our meditation. Here is our interpretation of the e-mail we received.

This election has raised much excitement, but also controversy, stress and confusion. If you are like us and the friend that we got this e-mail from, you are receiving very emotional emails and seeing news from both “sides” expressing great fear and anger, and fiercely attacking the other side.

Which man would be a better president–for our country and the world– Obama or McCain?

In our experience what you focus your attention on grows. And what we’re seeing is most people focusing on what they don’t want, their fears, and the worst possible scenarios. This focus can only bring more of this into our lives. So let’s stop focusing on what we “don’t” want and start focusing on what we “do” want.

My friend mentioned in her e-mail, and it is true for us as well, that we have seen the power of intention work wonders. In some cases, seemingly working miracles in fact. So let’s put it work to make this world a better place for everyone.

Below is the e-mail my friend received from someone today. I have no idea if the following story is true (couldn’t find it on online), and I don’t know the person who wrote this. But the idea has great merit in our opinion. And as I said above, we start tomorrow.

Received E-mail message:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let’s join together now with the intention of meditating daily for the HIGHEST GOOD TO COME FROM THIS ELECTION FOR THE PEOPLE AND ALL LIVING BEINGS IN THE UNITED STATES AND OUR WHOLE PLANET

Good Morning Everyone,

This is a true story. I just read an article which reminded me of the power of meditation. The summer of 1988 was hot, the crime rate in the 80′s in this country was rising rapidly in the cities. A study was done in Washington D.C. and published in the Yale Journal of Conflict Resolution (32:776-812) in Dec. 1988 about the results of a meditation study conducted during that summer with the intention of reducing the crime rate in D.C. by 20%. The Police Chief in D.C. said something like it would take a snowstorm in the middle of summer to lower the crime rate. 2000 meditators committed to meditating daily for a few months with the intention of peace and lowering the crime rate in D.C. The number grew to 4000. I think they said that the population of Washington D.C. at that time was over 1,000,000 people (one million). Within 2 months the crime rate of Washington D.C. in the hot summer of 1988 was reduced by 25% with (let’s call it an average of) 3000 people meditating daily for peace!!! That means that 1/3rd of 1% of the population were able to reduce the crime rate by 25% by meditating with that intention! The Police Chief was shocked to say the least – so the story goes. In this hostile election climate and given the importance of the issues before us as a country and a planet today, Let’s join together now with the intention of meditating daily for the HIGHEST GOOD TO COME OF THIS ELECTION FOR THE PEOPLE AND ALL LIVING BEINGS IN THE UNITED STATES AND OUR WHOLE PLANET .

3% of 300,000,000 people in this country = 1,000,000 people. If each of us friends join together with the intention of meditating daily for HIGHEST GOOD TO COME FROM THIS ELECTION FOR THE PEOPLE AND ALL LIVING BEINGS IN THE UNITED STATES AND OUR WHOLE PLANET and we each invite 10 more friends then a million friends (3% of our population here in the U.S.) could join together to start meditating today! And if we all invited 10 friends who agreed to invite 10 friends then our intention would begin today!

These times are crucial for the health and well-being of Earth. Please let’s join together and do this. I KNOW THAT IF WE JOIN TOGETHER WITH THIS SHARED INTENTION WE WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

I suggest 10 minutes daily until the election at least.

I ask that each of us invite at least 10 people and ask that our invitation be confirmed.

LET’S START NOW!!!!! There’s not a nano second to loose.

Love,

Diane

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We love this idea.

We believe if a large group of people focus even a small amount of attention each day on creating the highest good to come from this election for the people and all living beings in the united states and our whole planet, only good things can happen.

What do you think?

With love,

Beth and Neill

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In a recent post I talked about how I try to hear everything as either “please” or “thank you,” and how this supports the quality of communication and connection I have with others, and thereby improves the quality of my relationships.

While that practice provides invaluable support for both my personal and professional relationships, there’s another practice I picked up along the way that fits with it hand-in-glove.

Long ago I heard Kelly Bryson, author of Don’t Be Nice, Be Real, ask the question: “Where could you go if you weren’t afraid of ‘no’?”

He points out how many people are prevented from going after what they want in life by their fear of hearing that dreaded word, “NO!”

It’s a good point, and one that I’ve taken to heart. Here’s how the question occurs to me these days…

Where Could You Go If You Never Heard “No”?

What would it take to transform your fear of hearing the word “no” in your most important relationships–intimate, dating, family, work … ? Even better, how would it be if no one ever said “no” to you again?

Well, the easy way to never hear no is by never again asking anyone for anything. But that’s living kind of small isn’t it?

“Well, isn’t it inevitable,” you might ask, “that if you ask people for things that some of them are bound to say ‘no’?”

Here’s the trick–and it’s not really a trick at all.

Never hearing “no” starts by understanding that you never hear what other people say in the first place. Never!

You only hear what your brain tells you that you think they’ve said.

What’s the difference?

I know you believe you understood what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Somewhere I read that the words people use only convey 10% to 20% of the meaning that is intended. Another 20% to 30% is conveyed through intonation, pitch, pacing, etc. of the voice. And the remainder, the bulk of the meaning, is conveyed through facial expression and body language.

Then your own frame of mind gets added in, and your circumstances, and everything else that goes along with the way your brain is influenced in its interpretation.

And here’s where your interpretation gets even more dubious.

The more reactive you are to hearing certain things the more your transparent beliefs, unacknowledged commitments and habitual interpretations are likely to cause you to misinterpret the other person’s intended meaning.

It seems obvious that you never hear what somebody else says, you only hear what your brain has interpreted that they’ve said.

How to Hear “No” as “Yes”

The problem with the word “no” is that it conveys too little information. “No” is actually an expression that a person wants something different than what you’ve requested, but without any explanation of what they do want instead.

That’s why I don’t think there is a more emotionally charged word in the language than the word “no”. It conveys too little information–and we usually fill in the blanks with the worst possible stories.

I’ve come to understand that whenever a person says “no” to something I’ve requested, they’re actually saying “yes” to a different strategy than the one they inferred from my request.

“No” simply means that they prefer a different strategy they believe is more likely to get them what they value or what they need.

The “Yes” Guess Game

So people never say “no” to what you’ve requested. They’re always saying “yes” to something else that they prefer, but they’re not letting you in on what they’re saying “yes” to.

In my mind, negotiation is all about creating alignment in the areas of values and strategies–and in that order.

So, since I can’t hear “no” anymore, my natural inclination is to begin to discover the unexpressed values and strategies that the other person prefers to the ones implicit in my request.

What’s most important for me here is to make sure that wherever we end up in the negotiation, we find strategies that are entirely in harmony with both of our values and that don’t leave anything out that either of us need to be satisfied.

Turning “No” into Know

How to orchestrate such a negotiation is a little bit beyond the scope of one blog post. Simply put, you need to have a conversation that primarily has your attention focused on creating an alignment of your values. Once this alignment has been achieved then, and only then, try work out strategies that will be successful in respecting what everyone wants.

Even without all of the distinctions you may need to have such a conversation, hopefully you’ve gotten the gist of how it might possible that you would never hear “no” again.

Because really “no” is only a poorly expressed “yes.”

(Mmmmm, “Distinctions!” There is a juicy topic…)

Would You Take On This Practice – Yes or No?

Again, I’m interested in hearing your thoughts about the possibility of never hearing “no” again, and what happens the next time you try hearing “yes” instead.

Until next time …

Committed to Your Success,
Neill Gibson

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Got Stress in your Relationship?

Do you want to relieve some of the stress and tension in your relationships? If so… Learn the difference between reacting to a situation and responding to it. You might ask, why would this make any difference to me ?

Reacting versus Responding

We say this over and over again, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. Almost every time I find myself upset, frustrated, or confused about my relationships, if I look close enough, I always discover that I’m reacting unconsciously to something that’s happening in the situation. This unconscious reaction has become a habitual pattern–created from my old negative limiting beliefs. When I discovered that over 50% of all my stress and tension came from the fact that I was reacting rather than responding in situations I was able to start down the path to creating more happy, healthy satisfying relationships.

So what’s the difference between reacting in responding…

In the Art of Conscious Connection eCourse, we define reacting, re-enacting past behavior based on my habitual patterns and limiting beliefs, opposed to responding–which we define as, the ability to take respon-sibility for what occurs and make conscious choices about what to do and how we want to act.

How do you begin taking respon-sibility?

The first and easiest step to start practicing responding rather than reacting is to notice how you feel–am I tense, uncomfortable, irritated… As soon as you notice any emotion that is less than enjoyable, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “Am I about to do or say something that I might regret? Is there something I want to consciously do or say in the situation that is different than I was about to do?

You might be surprised at how differently things start to go in your relationships.

As Einstein said, the definition of Insanity is, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Until next time…

with love and a commitment to your happiness

Beth

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Does it ever seem like no matter how fast you pedal you can’t get ahead of the curve? That your list of to-do’s piles up faster than you can get them done?

One of the best way to relieve stress is take the focus off yourself by volunteering to do something for someone else. Sometimes just doing one thing for someone else, purely from a place of generosity, can give you a sense of satisfaction and the joy of accomplishment that you can’t get just checking things off your own list of things to do.

It’s a fact that people feel better when they take the time to contribute to others. One recent study found that almost half of the people who perform volunteer work felt less depressed when they were volunteering. And the number climbed to over 70% when the person volunteering was using their professional experience or was volunteering in an area in which they had a strong personal interest.

If volunteering to lend your support at a homeless shelter isn’t your cup of tea, then what about helping adults learn to read, or becoming a Big Brother or Sister. Maybe it’s just helping a political candidate that you believe in. If you can’t think of anything, try this link:

www.VolunteerMatch.org/

There are a lot of different ways you can take the focus off yourself and the overwhelm of your life. First it helps to figure out what’s important to you, what you care about, or some area where you’d like to make a difference.

The point is that human beings have a fundamental desire to contribute to other people’s well-being. I believe this is genetically hardwired in us. But even if it isn’t, I’ve never seen anyone happier than when they’ve been able to joyfully contribute to another person’s well-being.

So try thinking of a way that you could lend a helping hand to someone where you could do it with the same spirit that a child has when they feed bread to hungry ducks in the pond at the park. The joy of giving is a sure-fire way to get a real sense of relief from the stress in your life.

Until next time… Committed to success,

Neill

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How do you deal with disappointment, pain, rejection, and the grief that these can bring?

A friend and I were talking today about this. She just called it quits with the man she was seeing and we were discussing the different ways people deal with these issues.

At one point in the conversation, I had said to her that spending time in pain is a choice. And frankly, I don’t quite get the appeal.

If I understood her correctly, I believe spending time in the pain surrounding the end of this relationship helps brings her to new depths of clarity. This clarity then allows her to move forward from that pain. So for her, the pain of disappointment, rejection and grief can be a gift that moves her forward.

For me, and–I am admittedly very cerebral–my process is acknowledging my pain, choosing to focus on uncovering the thinking causing the pain, identifying what was missing for me in the situation that caused my dissatisfaction, and then coming up with strategies that help me focus on the happiness and pleasure in my life. This is what helps me move forward. The pain of disappointment, rejection and grief can be a gift.

We both do our best to consciously move towards the gift that the pain is offering.

I’m positive there is not one “right” way. What I do know is that I often see other people spending time with their pain–delving deeply into it–but seemingly never really moving forward from it.

Coleman Barks in his book, The Soul of Rumi, said: “There is a shedding that’s healing, that makes us more alive, a grieving required to enter the region of unconditional love.

“The heat in the oven cooks us to a loaf that’s tasty and nourishing for the community. Rumi is always affirmative about grief and disappointment, mad with the YES inside all the no’s.

“Rumi eats grief and the shadow and metabolizes them into his bewildered, surrendered self, then tries to live simply and generously from there.

“Rumi said: ‘I’ve broken through to longing now, filled with a grief I have felt before, but never like this.’”

I believe the difference is being conscious about your intention.

What do you think?

With Love,
Beth

You find out more about Coleman Barks and his book, The Soul of Rumi, by going to his website at: http://www.colemanbarks.com

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What do you say–let’s all practice random expressions of gratitude.

If you did, how would you feel? What would your daily life be like? For that matter, what would the world be like if, instead of labeling, judging and criticizing, everyone ran around practicing random expressions of gratitude?

When your mother calls and says, “Why don’t you call me more often?” Say, “Thank you for loving me so much Mom.” When your boss looks over your shoulder and says, “That’s not the way you should do that!” Say, “I appreciate you desire to help me.” When your friend says, “You’re late! I hate it when you’re late!” Say, “I’m so grateful you’re willing to talk to me about this.”

What’s the alternative? Label them as needy, overbearing, picky… Which feels better? Which is closer to the truth? Which one is more fun for everybody involved?

So what do you say? Let’s try it and see what happens.

With love and great appreciation for who you are in the world,

Beth and Neill

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Dreams Do Come True

If you’re like most of us, at one point or another in your life you’ve had a dream. Maybe about being someone important, someone of influence.

Who hasn’t had fantasies–big dreams? Maybe your dream was to be a prima ballerina, and Olympic gold medalist or a New York Times best-selling author.

And how many of us haven’t dreamed of being rich, or successful, or being in happy, healthy relationships?

Unfortunately…

All too often our big dreams stay just that – dreams, and our great ambitions  fade into distant memories.

This my dear friends is sad but so often true. Rather than experiencing life as a thrilling adventures in self-realization, we get started believing the rumors that life is hard and just settle for what we can get.

But guess what? It’s never too late to achieve your personal goals or your childhood dreams. Life really can be that thrilling adventure, if only we stop blaming others and take responsibility for getting what we want.

One of the biggest problems when it comes to achieving our goals and dreams is the language we use, either silently to ourselves or out loud to the world at large.

As Henry Ford said: “If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.”

Too many of us get so wrapped up thinking we just can’t do something that we never even attempt it. It’s too hard. It’s just impossible. No one could do this.

But look around. If that were really true, there would be no discoveries, no advancements, and no new ideas.

It has been said that you can only have something if you believe it’s possible. One way to start believing something is possible is to experience some success–even little tiny successes–in the direction of what you believe is impossible.

Try it Out For Yourself

So if you have a dream and you’ve been holding yourself back with self-doubt and lack of confidence, try this exercise.

• On a piece of paper write down something you want your life.
• Under one heading, make a list of all the things you Can Do to get the thing you want.
• Under another heading, list the actions you Might Be Willing To Do.
• Under another heading, list the actions that seem “Impossible” For You To Do.

Now look at the list things you “Can Do” and commit to taking at least one of the actions each day. Then every day check them off when you’ve accomplish them.

As you gradually accomplish all of the actions you Can Do, start on the next list under the heading actions you “Might Be Willing To Do.”  Again, check each of them off when you’ve accomplish it.

When you’re done with both of those lists, move on to actions that seemed “Impossible For You To Do.”

You might be surprised, that as you move through this process, the actions you thought were impossible become more and more possible, and now the impossible strangely becomes possible after all.

So never stop dreaming my friend. Don’t get stuck in your own imagined limitations. Think big and don’t give up. Take every action you can that will move you towards those dreams. As you make small steps toward what you want–I promise–what you want will seem more and more attainable.

With love and deep appreciation for who you are,
Beth

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This Weeks Relationship Advice Tidbit

Are you enjoying all your relationships? How would you like some relationship advice that is guaranteed to Help.

We believe the quality of our life is created by the quality of our relationships. Think about it, unless you’ve chosen the life of a solitary monk living in a cave, your life is filled with one relationship after another. Your family and friends, the people you work with, the person that delivers your mail. Even all those momentary relationships you have with salespeople, servers and restaurants, and the clerk in the grocery store. The list goes on and on.

How much more wonderful would your life be, if each time you interacted with another person you both left feeling satisfied?

Are there any you would like to improve? Are you enjoying the relationships you have with your all your family and friends, what about your boss, colleagues or employees. How is your relationship going with your kids?

The Gift Of Presence

If you want to improve, enrich and strengthen your relationships, we suggest the very first step is learning to give the gift of presence. Now, we don’t mean anniversary, birthday or Christmas presents…  The presence that we’re talking about is the gift of listening to the other person without thinking about yourself at all.

“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.” ~Marge Piercy

Being present for another person doesn’t mean just hearing their words without you talking. It involves you putting your self aside for a moment so that you can really hear what’s important to the other person. When you give the gift of presence, you’re not only demonstrating to the other person that you care about them, you’re also opening the only door to discovering solutions that will be satisfying for everyone.

So next time you notice yourself starting to defend your position, believing you’re right, thinking that the other person is wrong, or giving the other person advice about how to change, STOP… and try giving the gift of presence. What if you got to lose, except maybe a whole bunch of stress, frustration, and pain.

If you’d like to discover other related relationship advice articles, you can start by reading: “Are You Playing Together So That Everyone Has Fun?” http://www.focusedattention.com/articles/Relationship-Advice-Are-You-Playing-Together-So-That-Everyone-Has-Fun.htm?blog

Committed to your success,
Beth

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Happiness… Want Some?

If you continue reading our blog for any length time, you’ll begin to notice that we talk a lot about happiness. What it’s is, how to get it, and how to keep it alive and well in your life. We go on about this topic as much as we do, because we believe at the base of everything–and we mean everything–is our desire to be happy. Everything we say, everything we do and everything we strive for is motivated by our longing to be happy.

Whether you’re conscious of it or not, creating happiness is what our lives are all about. So once again, today’s blog post topic is happiness and information to support you in creating more happiness in your life.

This is an amazing video from one of our favorite organizations TED

TEDTalks: Dan Gilbert (2005)

http://www.ted.com Dan Gilbert is a psychology professor at Harvard, and author of Stumbling on Happiness. In this memorable talk, filmed at TED2004, he demonstrates just how poor we humans are at predicting (or understanding) what will make us happy. (Recorded July 2005 in Oxford, UK. Duration: 22:02)

And here’s a short list of other people who are committed to creating more happiness in the world.

We hope this helps create more happiness in your life.

Until next time.

With love,

Beth and Neill

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What is the number one factor that causes a business to succeed or fail?

This common question has been asked by many people. From corporate giants to first-time business owners. And over and over again the number one answer is–people- the people that work there, and the people you do business with. If this is so, then how do you improve your business?

Improve Your Relationships.

The key to improving your relationships with your employees and your customers is communication– first, improving the communication with yourself which is what we will discuss in this post and then, improving the communication with your employees, coworkers, and customers, but we’ll leave that part for another post.

Before you can communicate effectively to your employees or customers, you must have a clear, focused intention. This internal communication is what you’ve told yourself about why you’re talking to the other person? What’s important to you about giving this feedback? Why are speaking to this customer? Your employees and customers will sense your intention, whatever it is.

“Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and in actions.” ~ Harold Geneen

If your intention is to create an environment of clarity, effectiveness, learning and support, how do you think your employee will respond to this intention? If your intention is to create loyal long-term satisfied customers, how do you think your customers will respond. Can you see how a clear, focused intention is easy to convey and hard to resist?

A clear intention encourages open, well-defined, straightforward communication; which, in turn, produces a powerful framework for creating long-term satisfying relationships.

What’s your intention?

Try it out … Any time you’re going to speak with someone at work, first create a clear, focused intention. Ask yourself: “What’s most important to me, about having this conversation, what do I want to create as the outcome?”  Keep your intention in mind as you’re having the conversation and watch your relationships blossom.

until next time… keep a conscious
Beth

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