Do You Play the Blame Game?

Do you ever hear yourself say things like: “They were so rude”, “He is so selfish”, or “She’s such a control freak.” What about when you’re driving and some one cuts you off… is “What an idiot, jerk, lousy driver” the first thing out of your month? If any of this sounds familiar then you’re playing a game that no one ever wins. It’s called “The Blame Game”.

When you focus on negative labels about what people “are” (demanding, controlling, manipulative) it’s certain that no one will end up happy or satisfied with the interaction. And what makes these situations even worse is that focusing on what people “are” prevents you from taking control because you’re giving way all of your personal power.

When you label people you place the full responsibility for improving matters on them. If you believe that you’re unhappy because they “are” selfish or unreasonable then your problems cannot be resolved until they change their ways. This blame game prevents you from overcoming your hurt feelings and can lead to serious relationship problems.

But you can take back responsibility for your own happiness. The first step in reclaiming control is to release the idea that other people are causing your emotional pain. When you realize that it’s your thinking about people using negative labels that is causing you to feel bad you’ve taken your first step forward.

Letting go of these negative labels allows you to focus on what you “do want” in each situation. You can then ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved.

When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as opportunities to explore ways of meeting everyone’s needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship with others and yourself.

Try This Tomorrow

Any time you hear yourself blaming someone or complaining about circumstances in your life, figure out what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved and then identify at least one action you can take or a request you can make that will improve your situation.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until tomorrow…
Beth and Neill

Many people confuse responsibility with duty, obligation, requirements… in short, things you “have to do”. “I have to take my husband to the airport.” “I have to make sure that my kids get a good education.” “I have to make dinner, do the laundry, mow the lawn, fix the car, clean the house…”

The most surefire method I know of to have someone resent something is to lead them to believe they have no choice in the matter. “Who died and left you the boss of me?”

It’s nice to see when others offer a perspective that is similar to ours. We found one that we think is worth reading here:

We choose to define responsibility as “our ability to respond” = response ability. Many of the uncontrollable circumstances and events Michael Miles speaks of are beyond our ability to respond to effectively. But even in these circumstances, we are never left without choice.

That’s why one of the favorite closings we use at the bottom of our messages is…

The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice,
Neill Gibson

Dealing With Criticism from the Inside Out

Massive or minuscule, spoken or silence, big upsets or small irritations… Have you ever become aware of how much time and mental energy we spend criticizing ourselves? Or how stressed and horrible this internal criticism leaves you feeling? Criticize yourself long enough and you can end up feeling cynical and resigned about things ever being any different.

Where Did This Inner Critic Come from?

We are trained from a very young age that there are right and wrong ways to do things, and good and bad ways to act. So, when something happens, our first tendency is to decide if the action is good or bad, and who’s right or wrong. We learn this lesson so well that we end up judging ourselves in the same way. Consequently, when we do something that we don’t enjoy, or someone else is dissatisfied with us, we judge ourselves in the same way–as inappropriate, selfish, rude and our actions as unacceptable, uncaring, or any number of other labels.

All these internal judgments become our constant companions, our inner critic.

We have gotten so good at criticizing ourselves, we tend to miss seeing the reality of what’s happening. When we keep our attention focused on blaming, judging, and criticizing ourselves, it keeps us from being able to see just the facts of the situation. It becomes impossible for us to separate the reality from all our judgments and stories about what has happened.

“There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.”
~ Steven Covey

What Is the Hidden Gift Your Inner Critic Is Trying to Give You?

Believe it or not it is possible to hear every inner criticism as an opening–a gift–to discover what’s deeply important to you and an opportunity to get in action creating things the way you want them to be?

We believe that every criticism is an unfinished articulation of a deeply held value. Your inner critic can actually be the keys to your happiness. Once you have the skills, you can use your tricky little jail keeper to unlock the judgments holding your values captive.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

Five Keys that Release Your Inner Critic and allow him or her to become Your Inner Guide

1) Download our free Values worksheet to help you identify what you value.
http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) The next time you notice yourself criticizing something you’ve done, stop and ask yourself, “How would I describe what happened if I didn’t have any criticism or judgments about it?” You can do this by pretending you are a video camera, what would the camera see?

3) Using the Values worksheet, identify what’s important to you that are missing from the situation. Some examples would include statements like: “I really want to have more FUN when I visit my family” or “I’m so tense and I want to feel more at PEACE when I come home after work.”

4) Ask yourself, “How would this situation be different if what was important to me–what I value–was present in the situation?”

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can – I – do in this moment to help create what I want most in this situation?”

Live What You Value and You Shall Experience a Life You Love

Practicing these steps will support you in gently releasing your inner critic and allow your inner guide to blossom.

Being able to create who you are from your values is one of the outcomes people experience as a result of doing our courses. If you’re ready to learn how to do this for yourself and discover additional personal growth skills , sign up for our complementary thought provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928

Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

With love and light,
Beth

What’s your perception?

Are you sure it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world and you better “look out for number one” at all costs? What if everyone could get what they want at no one else’s expense? What would the world be like then?

In most modern culture, competition is encouraged as the best way to get ahead. We’re taught early on that “winning” brings success, while “losing” is a mark of disgrace. But the dilemma is, if one person is winning, then someone else is guaranteed to be losing.

Competition results from the belief that there’s not enough to go around–if others get what they want, I can’t get what I want. While the idea of competition is so deep-seated that it appears to be the that we breathe, luckily that’s not true. We have the choice to behave creatively. In contrast to competition, a creative perspective is based on thinking strategically with the goal of finding options that everyone can be happy with.

“Creativity often consists of merely turning up what is already there.”
~Bernice Fitz-Gibbon

Imagine that creating is like having a blank canvas, where you can produce effective communication and craft solutions that will satisfy everyone. Think about how much more enjoyable life would be if everyone was working toward the same goal. With a little practice and effort, we can re-train ourselves to think in terms of creating rather than competing.

Give it a go for yourself…identify a competitive situation in your life and readjust your thinking to view it from a creative perspective. Look for solutions that will satisfy everyone involved and take action toward making them happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
Until next week…

With Love,

Beth and Neill

To learn more about how to craft creative solutions, read our article:
The Negotiation Dance

Busy Busy Busy

With as busy as we’ve been lately, we’ve decided that it’s time to take a break. next week, we’re off to Ojai California for a quiet relaxing week away. Yippee!

We are feeling extraordinarily grateful that we’re able to take this time for ourselves. Things just fell into place. We easily found someone to take care of mom, son Spenser is beginning to fend for himself , and we have support holding down the business fort while we’re away.

If you’re anything like we are, taking time for yourself isn’t always possible. home and business responsibilities may keep us from taking the needed rest, relaxation and playtime we so often need.

At those times how do you experience relief?

That’s why today we’d like to share an article with you from a terrific blog we found.

Zen Habits is one of the top blogs on the Internet, and covers: achieving goals, productivity, being organized, GTD, motivation, eliminating debt, saving, getting a flat stomach, eating healthy, simplifying, living frugal, parenting, happiness and successfully implementing good habits.

This particular blog post covers ways to find daily silence, which supports us in creating our–oh so needed–rest relaxation and fun.

Enjoy!

The Sound of Silence/

http://zenhabits.net

With love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill