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Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 6. Make sure you don’t miss the final important step that we’ll post tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 6: Appreciation

Any time is a good time to express appreciation for what you enjoy about your relationship. But at this point–more than ever–identifying what you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation for that is very supportive. And as you move forward it helps to have a foundation of appreciation to build on.

We suggest you make a list and then express your appreciation to your partner. You’re with this person because there are things about them that you like. Things that were done that you’ve enjoyed.

This may be a bit challenging if you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, but don’t worry… If you’re having a hard time coming up with things to appreciate, remember back to the beginning of your relationship or use the values exercised to stimulate the memories of past expressions of love.

As we said in part one, you must still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of reading this far.

Read Part 7 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Negotiate, Don’t Compromise

Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy relationship. We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.

In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.

This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.

Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.

We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual intention and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your relationship. Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the intention for both of you.

Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.

Read Part 6 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Part 1

Step 4: Ask For What You Want.

Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.

You see, for one person caring might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like caring at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them caring might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.

For your relationship to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual intention for your relationship that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that intention for each of you.

Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their preferences.

We suggest you dig into your relationship intention so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.

To figure this out we find it helps to ask:

What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my relationship and elsewhere in my life?

Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.

Read Part 5 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 3. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next four days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Part 1

Step 3: Create a Mutual Intention

Please understand that the same things that support a relationship to grow, evolve, and thrive are also what bring deep intimacy back into play. Without trust, and the understanding of what is deeply satisfying for both of you, your relationship can only continue on the same painful path that is already preventing true intimacy from being a part of your partnership.

We suggest you create this support by forming a mutual intention for your relationship. This means you come up with a clear, concise statement for what you both want to create in your relationship.

We find it helpful to use the words you came up with during the discovery process–in part two–that describe what you value in a relationship.

Using these words your intention might sound something like:

We want to create a relationship of freedom, inspiration, and caring where both of us experience fun, support, and true intimacy.

Work together and create your mutual relationship intention today, you’ll be amazed what a difference it makes.

Read Part 4 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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As promised, here is the first installment of our new monthly feature:

If this is the first time you’re playing along, you may want to read our initial explanation. You can find it here:
Is It Really True? Quiz Intro

Please remember that in this quiz there are no right or wrong answers. We simply want to stimulate dialogue in our community about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs. This quiz comes out of a practice we have of asking ourselves if the beliefs we hold as the “truth” are our own, or if we have just adopted them unquestioningly. We hope you enjoy playing along.

Here’s the first statement…

Fear of getting a ticket is the best way to stop people from speeding.

Do you agree or disagree?

Here’s what we came up with when we examined the statement.

Why would governments give tickets in order to stop people from speeding?

We believe that everything we say or do is to meet a need or experience something we value. And when we want something we come up with ideas for getting it–strategies such is giving tickets to people that don’t obey the speeding laws in order to stop people from speeding. Since cultures, societies, and governments are made up of people, we believe the same holds true at that level.

Keeping all this in mind, the first thing we want to do is get to the essence–the underlying values–hidden within any strategy.

What values are people trying to satisfy with this strategy?

We guess these might be the needs or values underlying the strategy of giving tickets to stop speeding:

• safety–so less people are injured or die on the roads.
• predictability–so you have greater confidence about what you can expect when you get on the road.
• effectiveness–by establishing clear agreement about what is and is not unsafe.

Can you think of any other needs our values people may be trying to satisfy using this strategy?

Why this strategy?

Now the question becomes, why this strategy? In our experience, behind every strategy we choose there is a belief that guides the choice and our subsequent actions. So what’s the cultural belief that led the government to choose this strategy as opposed to any other?

Here’s a possible belief we came up with that might have led to adopting this strategy:

• People need authorities who “know better” to set strong boundaries that will govern their actions.

Which may point to these even deeper underlying beliefs:

• People can’t be trusted
• People only care about themselves
• People make bad decisions on their own

Can you think of any others beliefs that might lead to making laws that impose traffic fines as a way to prevent speeding?

Does this strategy work?

If your goal is to make people worry about getting a ticket, then we would say this strategy works. But if what you really want is safety, predictability and effectiveness then we think it’s probably not working very well.

Think about it. How often do you still see people speeding? How often do you speed yourself? Why is it that so many people continue to speed if there’s a law that tells you not to, and is enforced by the use of speeding tickets?

We’ve identified a number of reasons for this, but the one we’ve picked to explore here is the difference between intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

We define the difference this way: being motivated from our internal values vs. being motivated from externally imposed consequences.

If you’ve been brought up in a typical world culture, then you are no stranger to externally imposed consequences. They start at a very young age. Early on, the authorities in your life teach you what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

And you probably quickly learned that you get punished for being wrong or bad and rewarded for being good or right.

So here’s another rule–don’t speed. Enforced using an externally imposed consequence–you’ll get a speeding ticket that will cost you a lot of money and a lot of time if you disobey.

What does this strategy accomplish?

Let’s recap:

• There is a cultural belief: People can’t be trusted so authorities must tell them what to do.
• The culture teaches using a system of punishment and rewards.
• Government came up with this strategy of punishing people who break speeding laws by giving tickets that costs them both time and money.

But what do most people learn from this strategy–both now and when they were children? In our experience the lesson learned is:

Don’t Get Caught When You’re Breaking the Rules.

Given the number of people who still speed, it doesn’t appear that this strategy–or what people actually learn from it–satisfy the underlying desire for safety, predictability, or effectiveness.

What might satisfy these underlying values?

Now let’s contrast the use of extrinsic motivation with intrinsic motivation. What would it take to cultivate intrinsic motivation?

How would we motivate people to do things–such as obey agreed upon speed limits–simply because this was in harmony with their personally held values?

Let’s start with the underlying belief.

What if we were able to change our cultural belief from “people can’t be trusted,” to “people can be trusted to make decisions that are for the highest good of everyone involved” because they inherently care for, and want to contribute to others and themselves.

Where would this belief take us?

Would we change how teach our children?

Let’s see . . . If our underlying cultural belief was that “people can be trusted to make their own decisions,” then most likely we would want to support them in staying present to what’s most important to them–what they personally value.

And we would probably ensure that our children’s education included developing their emotional intelligence. This would support their ability to make decisions based on how their actions might benefit or impact themselves and those around them.

We would still want to do whatever we could to maintain safety, predictability, and effectiveness on our roads, but with this underlying cultural belief, what strategy might we come up with?

This is where we start getting into very unknown territory. We’re not raised to pay attention to our internal values, or whether the consequences of our actions are in harmony with our values. Instead, we are constantly being distracted by external authority telling us what to do–and by the threat of consequences if we don’t obey.

So where this would go and how it would turn out is anyone’s guess.

But imagine being raised in a culture where your caring, kind and competent nature was valued and nurtured. Where your ability to reason and come up with successful, satisfying choices for everyone concerned was respected.

Imagine that your education, both at home and in school, had focused heavily on supporting you in making your own decisions, with respect for your internal guidance. And it supported this through teaching, conversation and experiences designed to help nurture these abilities.

Now imagine, as a society we have decided that limiting speed really will support achieving the goal of keeping our roads safe, predictable, and effective. What strategy might you use to achieve the greatest possible compliance with these speed limits?

What occurs to you?

That’s our thinking on the subject. Please let us know what occurs to you about any or all of this in the comment field below.

We look forward to reading your response.

With great trust and respect for your ability to choose wisely,

Beth and Neill

PS Please remember to sign up for the RSS feed to make sure you are alerted to our next installment of: Is It Really True?

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Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy – Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing mind games or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest communication can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy relationship.

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal relationship–one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it caring, fun, and predictability, or is it freedom, inspiration, and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Relationship Issues?

Do you ever find yourself worrying about your relationship–wondering if you’re even on the same page anymore? Are you mostly concerned about how to rebuild the intimacy you once had?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t give up now, there is hope. It’s likely you still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t even be reading this article.

Read on and discover seven simple ways you can rebuild the relationship intimacy you once had. Learn how to heal old wounds so you can walk forward hand-in-hand with renewed hope for your future together.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy – A Seven Part Series

Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next six days.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue.

Many experts will tell you simply to let your partner know how you feel, what you want, and how you want things to be. Then somehow, if you just get honest enough, everything will start to get better.

While we agree that honesty is the best policy, we also believe that how and where you begin this conversation makes a huge difference in the outcome.

We suggest that you start by creating a space for open dialogue–one with some communication guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by exploring whether there’s anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.

We’ve found people are often worried about judgment, criticism and bringing up past wounds. Spend some time discovering anything else that might cause either of you discomfort about having this dialogue. Then come up with some guidelines that will create a safe space for both of you. Try these for starters:

• Agree that you’ll refrain from judging or criticizing your partner–or yourself.
• Agree that you’ll refrain from analyzing past events to determine who was right and who was wrong.

Add any other guidelines to your list that you believe will help you create a safe space for open, honest communication.

Read Part 2 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Everything Old Is New Again

Have you ever noticed how everything seems to cycle back into popularity. Bellbottoms, guys with long hair, tie-dyed shirts–they all seem to be coming back in full force. We read somewhere that it takes about 40 years for things to get recycled back into popularity.

We’ve decided not to wait 40 years to bring back The Full Cup Test, an exercise that we used in our seminars awhile ago. We named this based on an old Zen story that goes something like this:

“Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), was visited by a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. “It’s overflowing,” said the university professor, “no more will go in!” “Like this cup,” Nan-in replied, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

It’s Hard To Receive When Your Cup’s Already Full

We just love what this story teaches and we strive to keep emptying our own cups so we’re able to continue learning new things. One way we do this is to think of the tea as a metaphor for the cultural beliefs that fill our minds. This tea comes in many varieties for us: beliefs about what life means, who we are, how we should act, and many others. These beliefs motivate our actions and dictate the direction we will take on our life’s journey.

Because of this, we often ask this question: Are the beliefs that I hold as the “truth” my own beliefs–ones that are truly in harmony with my personal values–or are they beliefs that were handed down from past generations and I have just adopted them unquestioningly?

Question Authority

As we start to question, we are able to empty our cups, which allows us to taste new and more satisfying varieties of tea. We believe this is essential for our continued learning and growth, and for us to evolve into the highest expressions of ourselves.

We also believe that our deepest discoveries emerge in relationship with others. Since we connect with others through language, the most powerful interactions happen through dialogue: sharing our stories, discoveries, and ideas.

To support this evolution in our community, we’re bringing back a modified version of The Full Cup Test. Our aim is to use this as a fun way to stimulate conversation that promotes self discovery. This time we are calling it:
Is It Really True? ~ New Rules For The Game Of Life Quiz

There are no right or wrong answers. Our goal is to stimulate dialogue about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs. The point is to ask yourself these questions and comment on what you discover:

• Do I believe this statement?
• What cultural belief is this statement based on?
• Is this belief in harmony with my personal values?
• Does it support me living consciously and in harmony with what I value most?

In the next few days we will be posting the first installment of this monthly quiz. So sign up for our RSS feed and look for the title, “Is It Really True?” Then drop by and start playing this game of self discovery by seeing if you agree or disagree with the first statement.

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I came across this blog post today and it reminded me of a story I heard at a personal growth seminar I took some time back. The story goes something like this:

“As hectic as life is, and with as much going on as we all have, we can tend to feel stressed out. So we do our best to eliminate the stress from our lives. Since that’s impossible we work towards as much relief from stress as possible.”

At this point in the story they took a piece of chalk and said,

“So we go about our lives trying to stay as calm as possible, evening out all of the highs and lows of life.”

That’s when they drew a straight line across the chalkboard.

__________________________________________

Then they asked, “If you were in a hospital looking at your vital signs on a monitor, what would the nurses say if they saw this straight line?”

You guessed it, a flat line means you’re dead.

If you haven’t gotten it already… the point of the story is that life has its ups and downs. And some of those ups are actually the most exciting most integrating times of our lives. And some of the downs are our best learning opportunities.

So if we’re only willing to do things where we can stay calm, then we may be missing out on some of life’s most wonderful opportunities.

And as this blog post says, short term stress can actually be healthy for you!

With love,
Beth and Neill

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If Obama’s campaign and McCain’s campaign could adopt this tone during the election, we believe we’d all be having a lot more fun. Watch the video and let us know what you think.

Sen. Barack Obama – 2008 Al Smith Dinner – Part 1

Sen. Barack Obama – 2008 Al Smith Dinner – Part 2

Sen. John McCain’s speech at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner on October 16th 2008 – part 1

Sen. John McCain’s speech at the 63rd Annual Alfred E. Smith Dinner – part 2

10/16 (Part 2) High Quality – Alfred E Smith Dinner – Roast – John McCain continues by addressing his calling Barack Obama “that one” and then says that Obama’s pet name for him is “George Bush”.

McCain: “George Bush Is My Pet Name” HQ (Part 2) Alfred E. Smith Dinner 10/16 – McCain Roast Obama Roast At Charity Event – John McCain’s Funny Comedy Speech At Al Smith Dinner – High Quality 10/16/2008

McCain and Obama speak at charity event Al Smith dinner 10/16/2008.

With laughter comes connection, with connection comes caring, with caring comes acceptance, and with acceptance comes peace and harmony.

With love and a strong desire for more peace and harmony,
Beth and Neill

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Have you ever wondered how to keep those pesky issues from your past relationships from cropping up like weeds in your present relationship? Does it seem that no matter how hard you try, the same old patterns keep replaying like a stuck record?

It’s an old saying, “No matter where you go, there you are.” But, unless you take specific steps to avoid it, it’s just as true that, “No matter where you’ve been, there you go!”

What do we mean by this?

Simply put, people don’t take responsibility for consciously creating a future that draws them to it. More often than not, they take what’s happened in the past and expect that this is most likely what’s going to happen to them in the future. Then they live into that prediction.

We can guarantee that you’re doing this if you’ve ever asked yourself some version of these two questions:

Why does the same thing keep happening to me over and over again?

Why don’t I learn from my mistakes?

Past, Present and Future

Without getting into a quantum physics argument, time in the physical realm flows from the past, to the present, and then into the future. But since we human beings have a memory–and are so very, very good at creating meaning–we form opinions about what’s happened to us in the past and apply these opinions to what’s happening to us now as a way to predict our future.

The future tends to be this big, scary, black hole of the unknown, and we don’t like the unknown very much. This leads to the obsession with predicting the future we humans have always had.

In our human perception of time there is our memory of our past, our experience of the present–which is colored by our experiences in the past–and then there is this big blank space called our future. And since we don’t like these big blank spaces we tend to fill our future with predictions that we base on our past experiences.

So instead of past, present, future, our timeline looks more like: past, present, past. In other words, we put our past in our future and then live into that.

Starts to make sense why history repeats itself, doesn’t it?

Predictability = Safety — T’aint Necessarily So

It’s obvious people want to predict the future because they believe this will create greater safety or security. The problem with this is that our prophecies tend to be both: 1) of the worst possible scenario, and 2) self-fulfilling.

This is not a good combination. Whenever you predict a future based on your unpleasant experiences in the past, you are very likely to fulfill on your prophecy of an unpleasant future.

So how do you get your past out of your future?

The first thing is to believe that your future is entirely unpredictable and then make a commitment to stop using your past experiences to predict it. It’s okay to use your past to inform your future, but not to predict it.

Now granted, this is much easier said than done because you can’t ever stop doing anything, you can only start doing something else.

We suggest you start getting very clear about what values you weren’t experiencing in your past by exploring these “recurring” past experiences that you don’t enjoy. Once you identify what you value that is missing for you in these experiences , you can then put all of your attention on ways to get more of this in your future.

Using the information about what you value most in life is how you use your past to inform your future. But first you have to believe that–since your future is unpredictable–it is possible for you to have what you value in the future. We find many people don’t believe this.

The trick here is to make very concrete plans for how you can experience more of what you value in the future, and then take whatever actions you need to in order to have those plans happen.

We can’t guarantee that you will get what you want, because the future is unpredictable!

But, since what you focus your attention on grows–and since you’re focusing your attention on what you value and on specific plans to get it–we’re confident that you’re much more likely to get it than if you keep filling up your future with your past.

With a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

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I Guess You’ll Do.

Are You Settling for Less in Your Life?

Yes, this is just a silly little video–both funny and sad–but after watching it you might want to ask yourself these questions: Is my life the effect of societal expectations? Am I settling for less than what I truly want?

If so, you’re not alone. We believe settling for less happens because people haven’t discovered what they are truly passionate about–what brings joy and meaning to their lives. Or, if they do know what they’re passionate about, they’re not sure how to create a life that embodies this passion.

If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, try asking yourself these questions:

1. What brings me the greatest joy?
2. How do I most like spending my time?
3. Who is the person I admire most in the world?

Your answers to these questions will give you clues to what you are passionate about. When you learn the answer to these questions–and get to the core of what you’re passionate about–you can begin discovering ways you can experience more of these things in your life.

Knowing what’s most important to you is the very first step you must take in order to stop settling and start creating the life you truly want.

Take the time to survey your life and answer the questions above. Pick at least one of the qualities you want to experience in your life. Then identify at least two ways that this quality already exists in your life. If it doesn’t exist, then come up with at least one action you can take to create it. After you’ve taken this action notice what starts to happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
With love,

Beth and Neill

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Stress and Stress relief

With everything going on these days, it’s not uncommon that most of us are feeling a higher level of stress than normal. There’s a lot of great information out there about the causes of stress and how to relieve it. Here is some of what we’ve found.

Stress: Portrait of a Killer – As we’ve evolved, the human stress response has saved our lives. Today, we turn on the same life-saving physical reaction to cope with intense, ongoing stressors – and we can’t seem to turn it off. “Stress: Portrait of a Killer” reveals …

Stress Steals Important Nutrients From The Body - Hormones: Stress disrupts hormones that regulate menstrual cycles causing missed, shortened or lengthened periods. Under stress the body will actually steal nutrients as a coping strategy. These are the most common nutrient deficiencies …

Coping with Stress and Anxiety as the Market Melts Down – Rule #1: Don’t be a victim. Rule #2: Don’t wait to be rescued. Rescue yourself.

Well that’s the best from the web about stress, and stress relief today.

Until tomorrow, relax more and stress less.

With love,

Beth and Neill

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We just love the Emotional Freedom Technique and believe it is a great way to relieve stress. if you’ve never heard of it, here’s a video we found that will introduce you to this amazing technique.

Stress Relief with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Visit

http://www.Tapping.com

for more Emotional Freedom Technique videos, EFT articles, and my E-Book.

Emotional Freedom Technique is a simple acupressure technique for releasing negative feelings.

You feel negative feelings in the body, so you have to go to the body to work on them.

You can release a negative feeling right now with this video. If you’re stressed you should find yourself more relaxed after this video, and feeling more able to deal with whatever is stressing you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: How hard should I tap?
A: Tap lightly, just so that you feel it. The purpose of the tapping is to bring your attention to different parts of your body, it actually works if you just imagine tapping – as long as your attention is drawn to the right points.

Q: How can I be sure I am finding the right points?
A: Use two fingers to make sure you cover the points. Sometimes the point will ‘feel’ right, as if there is a slight indent in the skin or the point is particularly sensitive. It’s all connected so you don’t have to be 100% accurate.

Q: You have missed out points that Gary Craig teaches!
A: Yes. Feel free to tap those too, I left them out to keep the video simple and it seems to work fine without them. If you find the video doesn’t work for you, try tapping the additional points – around the top-middle of the head, and just under the armpit.

Q: Is the sequence important?
A: No. You can tap the points in any order. In fact you only need to tap one or two of the points for each particular feeling. It’s just you have no easy way to know which point so you might as well tap them all.

Q: I am a skeptic! / You are a charlatan!
A: Thanks. Tapping is perfectly explainable scientifically but it does go beyond most people’s understanding. It really does work though, and the best way to prove that to yourself is to try it and watch your negative feelings disappear.

For more info see the Introductory video which gives a bit more explanation:

Also this video shows use of an electro-acupuncture pen to show that the points have a different electrical resistence to other parts of the body:

Hope you enjoyed the video and learned a new way to relieve your stress.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

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Here are some basic definitions of confidence:

a feeling of trust (in someone or something)
a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable
freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities

Confidence. Certainly it is something we’d all like to have, right? It can be compared to hiking along and coming to a deep, steep ravine. You are on one side and your destination–what you want–is on the other. You need a way to bridge the gap.

Imagine you have three options. You can choose to swing across using the rope that’s hanging there, use the rickety footbridge swaying in the breeze, or use a walking stick to help you scramble down into the ravine and up the other side. No matter which you choose in this analogy you’ll most likely get to the other side, but a strong sense of self-esteem, and confidence will surely be needed.

Two Important Steps that Lead to What You Want

Let’s say one of the ways you’ve chosen to achieve one of your important goals is by focusing on positive, supportive beliefs about yourself. That’s fabulous… But the next and often overlooked step in building self-confidence is bridging these beliefs with your values. In our Pathway to Personal Freedom eCourse, we talk about personal values in this way.

“Awareness of your personal values helps you avoid feeling confused, and avoid the stress that comes along with that confusion…

“We’ll make a rather bold assertion here that most of the distress people feel is a direct result of not being clear about what they most deeply value, and then behaving in ways that are contrary to these undiscovered values.

“We can’t emphasize this enough and will actually bring it up again and again: understanding your personal values and living in harmony with them is key to a life of healthy self-appreciation, good self-esteem, and a strong sense of self-confidence.”

Try It and Then Decide

Go to our website, and download our complimentary Values Exercise at http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

Once you have it, choose any area of your life you been working to improve–where you would like to feel more confident. Then do the Values Exercise.

When you’re finished and have your list of values, come up with at least two actions you can take to improve this area of your life that are in harmony with your values. Then set a specific time to have completed these actions.

After you’ve taken these actions, ask yourself: “Do I feel more confident about this area of my life?”

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next week…
Beth and Neill

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We just received this comment from a school counselor registered for our Weekly Tips eMail Series about the message titled If Only I Had More Self Esteem.  She had read the book, Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, and wrote asking, “He too is against punishments and rewards. Would you be able to go into more detail as to how it affects our beliefs about ourselves?”

Just as in dog training, when we were young, and we did something an adult enjoyed, we heard words like this: “What a good boy (or good girl) you are.” When we did what we were asked we were rewarded. When we went against what we were asked to do, we were punished.

This was repeated over and over each day. Each time we did something “good” we were rewarded and each time we did something “bad” we were punished. Soon we turned into scared little boys and girls, afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the praise and rewards.

Being “domesticated” becomes a way of life. As we grow, our domestication no longer requires any outside influence. Our parents, our schools, and our churches no longer need to domesticate us. We learned our lesson and are very well trained. We are now auto-domesticating.

We continue the domestication process by punishing ourselves when we don’t follow the social rules we were taught. We say things like: “how stupid,” and “I should’ve known better than that, what an idiot I am.” We also continue to reward ourselves if we are “good boys” and “good girls.”

We are now well-equipped to continue our traditions and train our own children to become auto-domesticated animals.

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Have you ever wanted to have an important conversation with someone but were worried that it wouldn’t go well? When we say important conversations we mean crucial ones–the kind that if they don’t go well would have a major negative impact. If you’ve ever felt tense about having one of these talks, you’re not alone. Most people feel nervous about having this kind of crucial conversation.

Sadly enough, communicating effectively isn’t a skill that’s taught in most schools and often isn’t learned at home. Sad because this is an essential skill for enjoying a satisfying life.

Help Has Arrived

We’ve developed the following checklist to support you in having successful conversations in all areas of your life, regardless of the situation. So before your next crucial conversation, go down the list and do your best to pay attention to each and every item. If you do, we’re confident that you’ll be much more satisfied with the outcome.

___ Intention
Whether you’re aware of it or not you always have an intention, whether it’s a conscious intention or an unconscious intention. Your intention can be sensed by the people you’re interacting with, and it creates the foundation of your conversation.

Prior to any important talk, create a clear, value-based intention for the conversation. Then, before you say a word to the other person, remind yourself to stay focused on your intention. This value based foundation will help you build the kind of connection that will produce satisfying results for everyone concerned.

___ Underlying Concerns
Check to see if you have any underlying concerns about having this conversation. You may want to have a conversation about the family budget or how much quality time you spend together. But you may have an underlying fear that the other person isn’t willing to discuss this issue with you in the first place.

Know that “any unexpressed fear is often interpreted as aggression.” So start by expressing any underlying concern and quickly let the other person know what, if anything, you would like from them about this. In our example, you may want to get a green light from the other person about their willingness to have the discussion.

___ Get on the Same Page
As the first part of the conversation, make sure you get on the same page about what may have happened in the past or offer a concise description of the present circumstances. It’s essential just to speak about what’s going on in terms of specific events. Absolutely no judging or labeling.

___ Economy of Words
in an important conversation, more words are not better. An economy of words is essential for creating understanding and clarity.

___ Intention Again
Next, if it fits in the conversation, let the other person know what you would like to create in the this conversation and in your relationship with them: verbalize your intention.

___Get Their Point of View
Find out what’s important to them in the situation. What outcomes might they want, and how could you support them in creating their intention for the situation? In this step it’s critical that you do not attempt to interject your point of view or analyze what they want.

___Negotiation
Now you’re ready to come up with strategies that will help both of you get what you want in the situation. Work together and brainstorm ideas. Before you agree on any strategies, make sure that your ideas don’t leave anything out for either of you.

___Agreements
This is the point where you decide who will take the actions necessary to move ahead with the strategies you’ve come up with. These assignments need to be satisfying to both of you. And you also need to agree about who will take which of the actions, and when they will be completed.

___Accountability
Following-up on your agreements is critical. Set the date for your next meeting to see how everything is going. Don’t wait until things are going badly to check-in. At this accountability meeting see if anything is missing for either of you or if you’d like to make any adjustments in the agreements you’ve made.

One last thing, after every conversation, check in with yourself. Did you enjoy the way the conversation went? If you did, it’s time to celebrate! If not, it’s a great time to identify what was missing for you.

Review your conversation using this checklist. What points on the checklist were missed? Which ones could you have spent more time on?

Remember communication isn’t a science it’s an art. So practice, practice, practice!

With much love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

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Here’s an article we we thought you’d enjoy. As she says in the article: For something completely different, she thought she  would offer readers some surefire ways to effectively ruin their relationships.

Sometimes in areas of our life that are especially complicated–relationships are definitely on the top of that list–it’s easier to start with what not to do. Once you understand this you can more smoothly move ahead and start choosing the best / most effective ways to create the kinds of relationships you really do want.

Check out this relationship article and let us know what you think.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

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Are You Limiting Yourself?

Have you ever wanted something and put real effort into getting it, only to end up disappointed because it didn’t quite work out the way you had hoped? If so, you’re not alone.

Many people focus their thoughts and efforts on one particular thing that they want and then lose sight of the bigger picture. They end up blinding themselves to all the good things that are actually happening in their lives because they can only see the one outcome that they initially imagined.

More times than not, things don’t always come in the exact form that we expect. Rather than giving in to disappointment, focus instead on the underlying importance of what you want–see the bigger picture. Be open to experiencing the miracles that come as the result of your efforts.

“In the measurement world, we set a goal and strive to achieve it. In the universe of possibility, we set the context and let life unfold.”
~ B. Zander, The Art of Possibility

Start creating big picture intentions instead of focusing on just one particular outcome.

The kind of intention we’re talking about expresses the values or quality of life you want to experience, while a specific outcome describes particular people, actions, and set time frames required to accomplish something.

As an example, an open intention might sound something like: “I intend to create a more peaceful, harmonious life.” This creates a bigger picture with many options for getting what you want. This can be much more satisfying than a specific outcome intention such as: “I’m going to find a new job by the end of the month.” With this intention you are limited to the options of finding a new job or being disappointed.

Once you have created your big picture intention, then it’s time to identify actions you can take that will support you in creating what you want.

This week… if you hear yourself saying “I want…” ask yourself the question: “Is this a big picture intention, or am I limiting myself?” and see what occurs to you.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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