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Building a Foundation for Success

We believe that the quality of our relationships creates the quality of our lives. If this is true then it’s vital to know how to effectively align your needs and desires with the needs and desires of the people in your life. Without this ability, it can be difficult to maintain the quality of relationships essential for creating the kind of life you truly want.

How can you know if someone in your life is on the same page as you? Are the same things important to both of you? Do you want similar results?

Establishing alignment is an essential ingredient for successful co-creation. In life, we often go about our own business trying to achieve our own goals, yet we are all still interconnected. These connections put limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating genuine co-operation starts with alignment. This is a process of getting clear about what is important to everyone involved at the deepest level of their core values. When you start building the alignment process on this foundation of shared values there’s less room for disconnection and disagreement.

This means making sure you establish alignment at a values level before you begin to create strategies for getting what you want.

When You Put the Cart Before the Horse

We often see people get stuck when they try to gain someone’s cooperation and they start the conversation by offering or asking for strategies. The trouble with this is that people usually have different ideas about which strategies would work best. It’s easy for disagreements about the strategies to end up sounding like judgments and justifications.

As an example, say you work in a very small office and a coworker at the next desk speaks louder than allows you to easily concentrate.

If you walked over to their desk with a strategy already in mind–such them keeping their voice down while they’re on the phone–the first thing you might hear is disagreement about how loud they are speaking or some kind of justification about why it’s important to speak with a confident tone of voice.

It’s possible to avoid the back-and-forth that is bound to ensue if you begin the conversation with a deeper level of understanding and connection. You can much more easily create the cooperation you want when you start by creating alignment around what you each value.

Why? Because at a core level we all share the same set of values and beginning a conversation by focusing our attention on these values stimulates our natural tendency for empathy and compassion.

Aligning with Success

Think about it. In this situation, wouldn’t each person want to experience consideration?

Would understanding be important to them?

Would they like to be free to make their own choices?

Do you think they’d like to be comfortable, relaxed, and free to express themselves?

Yes, of course they would, and so does everyone else.

So in this work situation, imagine having the intention to start your conversation:

• with no agenda other than cooperating so that everyone gets what’s most important to them,
• with an intention to first create understanding and alignment about what you each value in your ideal work situation,
• and without attachment to any particular strategies.

If this was your intention, you might start by letting them know there is something you’d like to get on the same page about.  Then request to have a conversation where you can discuss what’s most important to each of you about your work environment and relationships with your coworkers.

In that conversation, you might explore the value you place on being able to concentrate while working and their desire to be effective during their phone calls.

When Issues Become Opportunities

The volume they use while on the phone, and your desire for concentration, can become an opportunity to get more connected and aware of each other’s values.

This quality of sharing paves the way for you to co-create strategies for working together that ensure everyone experiences more of what they want.

This is how to begin co-creating a shared vision of success. Alignment paves the way for easy agreements and satisfying results that produces far greater enjoyment for everyone involved.

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How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

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This blog post was inspired by a question we receive from our community.

Finding the Path to Forgiveness after a Tragedy Caused by a Family Member

Grief recovery and forgiveness can be a terribly sensitive and complicated subject. We don’t claim to be experts (or anything close) in this area, but we have found in our experience working with people that. . .

You can’t drag someone down the path to forgiveness. Your family member will start down this path when they recognize that arriving at the destination is accomplished for their own sake, not for the one being forgiven.

Your family member will not be ready to actively participate in resolving the source of their negative emotions toward the person who caused the tragic event, until the they understand the impact that these feelings have on their own happiness and well-being.

And, not until they fully understand the important messages that these negative emotions are trying to give them will they understand the impact that leaving this situation unresolved is having on their lives, nor will they recognize the actions they can take to resolve it.

Use the Power of Compassionate Listening

If you wish to help one family member in the process of grieving, forgiveness, and recovery toward the one responsible for a tragic event; we suggest the most powerful thing you can do it is to listen to their pain. Listen completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda. Listen so carefully that you understand the important message their negative emotions are trying to offer to them. Listen so accurately that you can reflect this important message back to them in a way they too can understand–completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda.

The negative emotions they feel toward the other family member are the result of focusing their attention on the negative details and impacts of this tragic event. But like all emotions, when carefully explored they always lead to an understanding of what is most important or valuable for the person to experience next–in this case, how to recover what they have temporarily lost.

We are confident that when your family member clearly understands the valuable aspects of their life that seem to have been taken by this event, that understanding can be the first step on the path to recognizing what they need to do to begin experiencing those things again–and even more.

Other Posts that May Help with this Process

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-across-differences

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/your-crucial-conversation-checklist

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/dealing-with-difficult-people-now-learn-to-handled-them-in-a-constructively-way

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-skills-are-not-just-about-talking

Get Support from Grief and Forgiveness Pros

If your pain about your family member’s pain is so great that it prevents you from listening with this degree of objectivity and compassion, we suggest that you find someone with the empathy skills who can.

We recommend that you begin your search by investigating grief recovery, counseling, or support groups in the communities where your family member lives. Such help can be found from organizations online such as: http://www.griefshare.org/ and http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss/GriefSupport/FindingHelpForYourselfOrALovedOne.htm.

To find others, Google this exact string: +Grief +Forgiveness +Support +Groups

For results specific to your location, you can then add “your city” in quotes at the end and click search again. Often, the local community resources you’ll find are free.

If you are trying to help your family find the forgiveness necessary to recover from a tragedy, we hope that, at least in some small way, you can find value in these words.

We honor your intention and wish you all the best in re-creating wholeness, love, and hope in your family.

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Want more than you’re getting?

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Do Angry People Make You Angry?

Do you wonder why angry people don’t take some sort of anger management class? Isn’t it tiring, when you have to deal with angry people? If you’re like most of us, dealing with angry people probably makes you somewhat angry yourself.

When you listen to people venting constantly, one of two things is likely to happen. Either you withdraw because it’s too stressful to listen to, or you end up becoming frustrated inside and this makes you appear angry on the outside.

It’s important you realize that another person’s anger doesn’t have to make you angry. Their anger is not about you. When someone is angry, it’s because they are not getting what they want, so don’t take it personally.

Guess Why I’m Angry?

While it’s best to avoid taking another person’s anger personally, you might be the trigger for their anger somehow, and it can be helpful to figure out what their angers about–what’s going on for them under the surface. Again, you are not the cause of their anger, but if you can guess why the other person is feeling that way, then you might be able to take action to help improve the situation.

How do you guess the reason for another person’s anger? Examine their needs and values-either directly, by asking them, or indirectly, by thinking about what may be driving those negative feelings. Everything a person does is driven by their needs and values.

Anger Might Equal Opportunity

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ~ Malcolm X

Once you understand that everything truly comes down to needs and values, you can just guess about why another person is angry. And, in doing so, you will feel more relaxed and be better able to stop taking things personally, because their anger is really not about you.

Related Anger Management Resources

Michele Borba: Anger Management Tips for Kids | Dr. Michele … - Dr. Michele Borba share her secrets for discipline problems, behavior troubles, school issues and much more! Parenting advice, tips, and articles for raising happy, healthy children from conception to graduation.

If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of … - Anger Management ala George Anderson. Presented by Anderson and Anderson-Global leader in anger management training and certification. If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of Executive Coaching …

Anger Management with Yoga Therapy – Potent yogic technique to help you release and be free of your anger and frustration. Illustrations and practice detailed included.

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Got Conflict Management?

Do you ever find that you avoid working something out with someone because you fear that just bringing it up may start an argument?

To overcome this fear the first thing you need to do is avoid having an “Us vs. Them” mentality. That’s easier said than done, because this pattern of thinking is extremely common in our culture. We are trained not to trust people from a very young age: “don’t talk to strangers,” “look out for number one,” and we should “always come out on top.”

This competitive mindset impedes our ability to develop cooperative and effective relationships.

Now is the Time

Creating cooperative relationships that are focused on the power of a “We” mentality can only happen when we are able to establish alignment with others. This involves clearly identifying our own intentions and being able to determine the intentions of others. Only when you have this information can you work toward developing alignment of purpose and reliable agreements that will help improve the relationship.

Feel the WE

A shared vision of success is critical for resolving any relationship issue. Are there similar things that you both hope to achieve? Start there, and work toward “getting on the same page” as your relationship partner. From the perspective of shared goals it is much easier to appreciate the power of working together, the true power of “We.”

“Power consists in one’s capacity to link his will with the purpose of others, to lead by reason and a gift of cooperation.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

Once you experience alignment, you will know the power of the “We” mentality and why it will bring you far greater satisfaction in all your relationships.

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Do You Know Any Difficult People?

Is it challenging for you to stay calm and present in the face of critical people–you know those people that have something to say and can’t say it without raising their voice and trying to convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

Would you like to have options other than cringing, heading for the hills, or yelling back to defend yourself? If so, there are two places to look whenever you find yourself reacting in these ways: In Here and Out There.

What’s Going on “In Here?”

The space between your ears is the first place to look whenever you start experiencing discomfort in any situation. It’s where you’ll find the beliefs that are at the root of the problems you think are happening “out there.”

Have you ever seen someone parasurfing–using a small parasail to pull themselves across the waves on their surfboard? Your thoughts are like the parasail in the wind, the wind and surf is what’s going on “out there.”

If you don’t know how to control the parasail, it’s unlikely that you’ll keep your balance, let alone control where you’re headed. And balance is critical if you want to gain control of yourself and the situation when someone is flipping out.

Falling – Then Catching Yourself – Then Falling – Then. . .

Imagine standing on the surfboard, perfectly balanced, with no force being applied to you, the surfboard or the parasail. Very Zen-like, but you’re not going anywhere are you?

The fun starts when the wind catches the parasail and you feel the drag of the water under the board. In that instance you’re falling forward–and unless you regain your balance quickly, you’re headed for a wipe out.

But then the wind shifts, the waves rise and you’re starting to fall again, and then you regain your balance, and then you’re falling, and then. . .

Keeping Your Balance

To maintain your emotional balance in the face of strong criticism, two things are essential. First, you need to recognize the moment that you start feeling discomfort of any sort. Second, you need to have the skills necessary to regain your emotional balance in a split second.

The first part–recognizing the moment you start feeling discomfort–is actually harder than it may sound.

In studies to prevent police violence, when officers were questioned closely, they recognized that there were typically five verbal exchanges that preceded violence.

Yet these highly trained individuals weren’t even conscious of these exchanges until they were probed. Once they recognized this they saw that the violence may have been avoided if any one of these exchanges had been handled a little bit differently.

Like these officers, you have an emotional guidance system that is highly tuned to alert you to the first moment that things are getting out of balance. And your emotions are much like the control lines on the parasail.

It’s by learning to accurately respond to the way you feel–the lines–that you gain control of your thinking–the parasail. This is how you keep your balance and control the direction the situation is heading.

Controlling What’s Happening Out There

Unfortunately, very few of us are trained how to use our emotional guidance system, how it relates to our thinking, or how emotions and thinking control our behavior.

It seems most of us grow up believing that we’re being dragged through life–into and out of one situation after another–helpless to do anything but hang on and hope for the best.

Or even worse: we’ve been misguided about what the control lines are and how to use them to control the parasail. Instead, we’ve learned that being “emotional” is a “bad thing,” “the best defense is a good offence,” “it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and countless other beliefs that teach us to react rather than respond.

This leads us back to the second part–having the skills you need to regain your emotional balance in a split second. This is essentially the same as learning to control the parasail in the wind. It’s learning to consciously choose the beliefs that govern your thoughts, which often requires you to un-learn prior beliefs.

This is the process of developing what we call your Values Intelligence–your ability to know and apply what you value, regardless of your circumstance.

Without these skills–like the police officers we mentioned–it is unlikely you’ll recognize when things are going wrong, or be able to respond soon enough to prevent minor upsets from escalating into serious problems.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can develop your Values Intelligence take a look at our article: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/settling-for-less-than-you-really-want-create-the-life-and-relationships-you-desire-now

And if your ready to do whatever it takes to stop melting down, clamming up, or flipping out, then enroll in The Art of Conscious Connection Online eCourse. It’s specifically designed to give you the In Here skills you need to start gaining more control over the direction of what’s happening Out There.

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Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s relationship advice that opposes dating after being widowed or divorced until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:

http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news.

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

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Alignment – Out of the Auto Shop and Into the Office

Last time you got your car tuned up, the mechanic probably talked to you about alignment. If you want to get the most performance out of your car, it’s important that your tires are all moving in the same direction and working together. Turns out that what is true for cars is also true for effective business communication. Business relationships will be most successful when everyone is aligned and moving in the same direction toward a mutual goal.

Alignment goes beyond just improving your communication skills or trying a new listening technique. Truly effective communication, whether it’s for business or some other interaction where you and others are working to create the best outcome, begins with alignment.

We Are All Inter-Connected

Here’s another way to look at it: generally we go about our own business, trying to achieve our personal results. We forget how inter-connected we are with other people. Our interconnections limit how far we can get toward our own desired result. With alignment, we share the same vision with our interconnected partners. We are much more likely to reach the desired outcome. Alignment opens the way for greater success and mutual satisfaction.

Start with Personal Alignment

The first step to creating alignment with someone else, is identifying, and expressing, what you feel is most important to you about the outcome you want. Here is where you’ll need to figure out the underlying values that support the outcome you hope for. Maybe you would like people in the office to show up 15 minutes before the start of a meeting. Searching for the hidden value might make you realize that consideration is very important to you, or you maybe you highly value preparedness. Don’t forget, no matter what the desired outcome, underneath something you value is motivating you to want that outcome.

Aligning with Others

Now that you recognize your own underlying values, you need to figure out what the other person or the group values. This is a discovery process so start by expressing the values you’ve realized are critical to you in your work environment. Find out how important those things are to the other people involved. Would your partner or partners be willing to search for ways to create that kind of environment? In the process of aligning your values, you are creating a shared vision. If you state your shared vision it might be something like increasing effectiveness, or enhancing productivity or working together more harmoniously. When you have defined your shared vision, you can start to discuss strategies to achieve the desired results.

Things to Remember for the Alignment Discussion:

Try to keep the alignment conversation as action-free as possible. This is a beginning phase, so you might want to start by agreeing with the other person that you will not get bogged down with the specifics of what you want or how you’re going to get what you want.

Once your shared vision is established, you will have plenty of time to discuss how to reach your goals. Before you begin, agree that talking about the failures of the past isn’t effective during this phase. (Examining the past can be useful because it might help you to understand values that may have been lacking, but avoid assigning fault or using it to justify your skepticism.)

Here are some other valuable pieces to add to the conversation:

A commitment to stay away from negative criticism or judgments;
An openness to explore strategies that you both can agree on;
An agreement to celebrate all wins that result from this conversation.

Now that you are sharing the same vision and you’re working toward the same outcome, the big picture becomes clear. Alignment makes it easier to produces results that are enjoyable for everyone.

With a shared vision, everyone will be traveling along the road of cooperation and teamwork with far fewer potholes than you encountered before. Alignment leads to increased productivity and result in rewarding outcomes for everyone involved.

We would love to hear what you think. Please comment below.

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Effective Confrontation Control

Are you a “confrontation avoider”? Do you find that you will settle for things that do not satisfy you, just to avoid a possible conflict with someone?

What if you could learn to handle confrontation more effectively and find satisfying solutions to any conflicts? Chances are you would be much happier, right?

Learning how to effectively deal with confrontation may not be an easy task. But, avoiding conflicts can lead to even more serious underlying problems.

When you begin avoiding confrontation, you often start to worry about where the next confrontation will be–spending more and more energy worrying about avoiding them. Worry leads to anxiety and physical tension, and then not only do you end up with emotional issues but, physical ones as well.

What’s the First Step Towards Relief ?

Finding a way to deal with confrontation proactively is the first step that will lead to a more peaceful and happy life.

Before you do anything else, we suggest that you reinterpret your ideas about confrontation, and learn to see it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” ~ William Ellery Channing

Reinterpret Confrontation?

In order to do this, it’s important to really understand what confrontation is. The dictionary defines confrontation as: “a disharmony resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.” Confrontation takes place anytime people are opposed to each other’s opinions or objectives.

Conflicts don’t happen merely because people have differing thoughts, goals, or opinions, because there will always be people who have different goals and opinions!

Confrontation only crops up when one or both parties view these as “opposing” ideas or believe that their ideas “clash with the other persons.”

Because folks will always have different opinions, the only way to truly avoid or ward off a “confrontation” is to perceive at it from a different viewpoint.

What’s the Alternative?

Here’s an another meaning of “confrontation:” to bring face-to-face. When you recognize that there will always be some people that have different opinions than you, you can begin to relax and see opportunities to meet people face-to-face.

When you begin handling confrontation in a more creative way, you are less likely to defend your position or attack the other person. You’ll be more relaxed and open to exploring the situation and discover solutions that are satisfying for everyone.

You can begin by asking yourself this question: “When I encounter people with different points of view, how can I handle the situation creatively and improve myself at the same time?”

By staying away from conflict you are also running away from opportunities for self-improvement, collaboration, and new understandings, because these are the benefits you’ll get from genuinely meeting someone face-to-face.

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Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”

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Would you like to win every argument you ever have?

But, sometimes you hesitate being truthful with others because you fear it will start an argument you just can’t win?

“Avoiding the topic doesn’t help it go away.” ~ Anonymous

How would you feel if you could say what’s on your mind, confidently, even if you’re worried that your listener would disagree?

Here is one simple step that will stop an argument in its tracks…

There are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable saying what needs to be said and preventing an argument at the same time.

Stop thinking about disagreement like it’s an argument waiting to happen.

Once you’re able to interpret disagreement for what it is–a different opinion or strategy–you’ll begin to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for more information.

When people have differing opinions or strategies and they start to feel tense, under the surface they are really only concerned about getting their needs meet. That’s when the tug-of-war begins.

If you spend your time focusing your attention on simply avoiding an argument–or making sure the other person agrees with your opinion or strategy–you will never be able to address the underlying concerns.

Stick with it.

So instead, continue the conversation long enough to identify the underlying needs and values of each person.

If it’s just a matter of opinion, you’ll each understand the other at a much deeper level. If you each prefer a different strategy, work together to come up with mutually satisfying actions you can each take that will create what each of you want.

When you make a commitment to get clear about what everyone wants, you will become far more comfortable speaking your mind, and ultimately this will get you closer to creating a happier and more peaceful life.

The moral of the post… to guarantee that you win every argument you have, make sure no one loses.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Do you avoid confrontation?

Many people do their best to avoid conflict and confrontation at any cost. Do you notice yourself doing this? If so, when you know that a confrontation is possibly coming your way, you probably start to feel a great deal of tension and worry. And after a confrontation, you are left with a huge pile of bad feelings. So it seems to make perfect sense to just try and avoid all situations where conflict is possible.

Not so fast… what if there were ways to change how you handle these situations. What if you could solve conflicts and deal with confrontations in a way that would leave you feeling more comfortable and less upset? If that sounds like more fun to you, read on and discover five keys that will help you unlock your personal conflict management toolbox

It is important that you understand the definition of confrontation before you can learn to effectively manage it. According to the dictionary definition, confrontation is “discord that results from clashing ideas or opinions.” Confrontation is not simply a disagreement, it occurs when the people involved are viewing it as a “clash” that cannot be resolved.

The five keys

The first key–when trying to avoid confrontations–is that you should stop trying to avoid them. This might sound a little crazy at first, but think about it, is it really possible to avoid confrontation altogether? Well maybe if you sat in a cave and never talk to anyone, but then you wouldn’t be reading this article. So if you want to dramatically reduce your anxiety about confrontation use key number one and stop trying to avoid conflict and confrontation.

The second key to successful conflict management is to rethink how you define confrontation. When you begin to understand that what you’re actually trying to avoid is judgment from others, not getting your way, or possibly losing a relationship that you value, then you’ll start to realize it is the outcome that you’re avoiding, not the confrontation itself.

When you constantly see confrontation as something to be avoided, you will remain in a state of fear that will stimulate the “fight or flight” reaction–minimizing your ability to come up with ideas to manage the situation effectively.

Try this definition of confrontation on for size “to bring face to face.” Meeting someone face to face, does not need to be a confrontation. Expecting that you may have a difference of opinion will help you relax and be able to resolve any differences that arise.

Now that you’ve stopped avoiding conflict and redefined it, you can also stop getting defensive, aggressive, or just running for the hills. Start by learning some creative ways to handle confrontation when it comes your way–ones that satisfy everyone involved.

Now for key number three, when you find yourself gearing up to avoid a confrontation, use your uncomfortable feelings as a signal to yourself, a warning of sorts that you need to stop and reflect on the situation. Think about the situation as an explorer would. There is always something worthy of discovery, something that remains untapped and could provide some precious knowledge and experience.

Believe in your ability to explore new things, like handling confrontation creatively. Be an explorer, and you will be thrilled to discover your new strategies and solutions.

Commit yourself to new discoveries-develop a mindset that allows you to think using new patterns and to create results that totally line up with what you value. When everyone involved is satisfied, then you have cooperative relationships and confrontation becomes a non-issue.

The fourth important key is to learn how to focus on values. Focus on everyone’s values, not just yours. Don’t focus on another person’s complaints, but instead try to focus on what their underlying values actually are.

When you are focused on discovering new ways of interacting–when you’re playing the role of explorer and navigate through the conversation–always stay focused on uncovering satisfying solutions. When you are committed to including what’s most important to everyone in your solutions, you will find that your relationships become much more satisfying.

If you let it, any confrontation can be seen as a treasure map–one that can guide you through the sea of discovery, leading you to new experiences. When you are persistent with your exploration of confrontation, you will find that these new discoveries provide you with clarity that helps negotiate any conflict or confrontation in a way that everyone can be satisfied.

The fifth and final key is that whenever someone says or does anything that might normally lead to a confrontation; the reason they said or did it reflects their own missing values in the situation and is not consciously intended to create a conflict.

If you stop and take the time to identify what they value in the situation–what’s important to them that’s missing–they’ll not only appreciate this gesture, but will be more open to hearing what’s important to you.

Sadly, most people are not readily able to identify what they value most. Most of us were not encouraged at a young age to pay attention to what we care about most or what we needed, nor did we expect that other people would care about our needs. Learning how to unlock your new personal conflict management toolbox takes patience and plenty of practice, but it can be accomplished. Stick with it–you really can find satisfying solutions that all parties in a relationship will be happy with.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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A Gift That Keeps on Giving

With the gift giving season fast approaching, we want to tell you about a gift you can give to anyone you’re in a relationship with.

Are you having communication problems in any of your relationships-at work, at home, or with friends? Do you ever wish there was something you could give to someone that would improve your relationship? Would you be surprised to learn there really is such a gift?

If you want to strengthen, enhance, and grow your relationships, the best gift you can give is the gift of presence. Now, we’re not talking about anniversary, birthday, or Christmas presents … The presence we mean is the gift of listening to the other person without thinking about yourself at all.

“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.”
~ Marge Piercy

Being present for another person doesn’t just mean listening to them without speaking. It requires that you really put yourself and your desires aside for the moment so you can fully hear what they have to say. When you give the gift of presence, you’re not only showing other people that you appreciate and support them, you’re also opening the door to discovering what’s really important to them-the hidden values underneath their words.

This week, identify one thing you can do in relation to this awareness and take action. Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love, or
Beth and Neill

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How Do You Deal?

Do you end up dealing with difficult people on a regular basis? If so, are there times when you want to just run in hide, or click your heels and make them disappear? Or are you the kind of person that gets angry and combative right back at them? Either way, these situations can be very stressful. But don’t worry…

The good news is that there are ways to deal with these people that are much less stressful and you’ll also end up feeling much more satisfied with the outcome.

Believe it or not, some people don’t let these kinds of situations bother them. They simply stay calm and stress-free when confronted with upset and anger. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what they know? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe a sigh of leave the next time you end up dealing with an angry person.

Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take personal responsibility. We believe that the only reason they’d be disturb–and letting us about it–is that it must be about us. The first thing to understand is that when managing these kinds of situations is that it’s not about you, it’s really all about them!

I can guess what you’re probably thinking: “What you mean don’t take it personally, when there are someone screaming at me and telling me it’s my fault!”

I understand how difficult this will be at first, but when you begin to appreciate this one point, it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things personally: Every statement you hear someone say comes from a deep and inherent desire to satisfy their needs or to support something they value. And you most likely do the same thing – its normal human behavior.

Unquestionably Everything stems from either Needs and Values.

As an example, someone who is upset may just have a need for consideration, or they might in reality value dependability. By getting upset, they are attempting to satisfy these needs or honor what they value.

Let’s say that an angry man has a conversation with Gandhi (while he was alive). And he said to Gandhi, “You’ve never had a difficult life so don’t pretend to you know what suffering is. People wait on you hand and foot! You’re such a phony!”

Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would– defensively, with anger and critical words? “What do you mean phony? Try doing what I do every day… you wouldn’t last a minute. You an ignorant little man– you probably don’t even work for a living!”

Now I’m sure you can imagine where this conversation would end up!

It’s almost impossible to think of Gandhi reacting this way, but why not ? What does he know that most of us don’t?

Gandhi knows that the man upset stems from his own challenging life and is just venting about his own pain. The man is angry because his needs have not been satisfied, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values.

So, from now on, when confronted with difficult people, try to remind yourself that absolutely everything people say or do is an effort to meet their needs or support something they value.

The next you’ll are in one of these uncomfortable situation–STOP–don’t justifying yourself, instead start by reminding yourself that their anger isn’t about you, it’s about them and their situation.

Don’t take it to personally.

Consider this: Do you want your happiness to be dependent upon others, or do you long for the kind of happiness that you have complete control over? Take charge of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.

Another great way to stay calm when dealing with others’ who are upset or angry is to be curiosity. Ask questions such as, “Hmm, they seems very tense and upset. I wonder what’s going on in their life that has them feel this way.”

Stop and take a if you minutes to empathize with their circumstances and think, “If I behaved the way they’re behaving toward me, what could possibly be going on in my life?” Then guess what it could be.

Changing your focus of attention in this way can truly set you free. You’ll stop acting or feeling defensive. This focus will lead you to a much more peaceful place and will help you to fill your life with happiness, and a multitude of satisfying relationships you’ll truly enjoy.

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.”
~ Albert Einstein

Let’s review: – Tension and defensiveness isn’t the only way to deal with difficult people. – everything people say or do is in support of something they value or to meet some need. – Their upset is not about you, don’t take it personally. Take on the attitude of being curious. – Your happiness is not dependent on how others act or what they say.

When dealing with difficult people, this approach will help you open the door to a renewed sense of happiness and freedom you will no longer be restricted by your circumstances. You get to choose how you respond and what actions you will take.

If you want to start interacting differently with people who are upset, you must first practice the essential skills that create a more peaceful, happy life. If you’re ready to create that kind of life now, sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series. The sign-up form is at the top right hand side of your screen. Don’t wait, sign up today. You’ll be happy you did.

With love and great appreciation,
Beth

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If Obama’s campaign and McCain’s campaign could adopt this tone during the election, we believe we’d all be having a lot more fun. Watch the video and let us know what you think.

Sen. Barack Obama – 2008 Al Smith Dinner – Part 1

Sen. Barack Obama – 2008 Al Smith Dinner – Part 2

Sen. John McCain’s speech at the Alfred E. Smith Dinner on October 16th 2008 – part 1

Sen. John McCain’s speech at the 63rd Annual Alfred E. Smith Dinner – part 2

10/16 (Part 2) High Quality – Alfred E Smith Dinner – Roast – John McCain continues by addressing his calling Barack Obama “that one” and then says that Obama’s pet name for him is “George Bush”.

McCain: “George Bush Is My Pet Name” HQ (Part 2) Alfred E. Smith Dinner 10/16 – McCain Roast Obama Roast At Charity Event – John McCain’s Funny Comedy Speech At Al Smith Dinner – High Quality 10/16/2008

McCain and Obama speak at charity event Al Smith dinner 10/16/2008.

With laughter comes connection, with connection comes caring, with caring comes acceptance, and with acceptance comes peace and harmony.

With love and a strong desire for more peace and harmony,
Beth and Neill

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Have you ever wanted to have an important conversation with someone but were worried that it wouldn’t go well? When we say important conversations we mean crucial ones–the kind that if they don’t go well would have a major negative impact. If you’ve ever felt tense about having one of these talks, you’re not alone. Most people feel nervous about having this kind of crucial conversation.

Sadly enough, communicating effectively isn’t a skill that’s taught in most schools and often isn’t learned at home. Sad because this is an essential skill for enjoying a satisfying life.

Help Has Arrived

We’ve developed the following checklist to support you in having successful conversations in all areas of your life, regardless of the situation. So before your next crucial conversation, go down the list and do your best to pay attention to each and every item. If you do, we’re confident that you’ll be much more satisfied with the outcome.

___ Intention
Whether you’re aware of it or not you always have an intention, whether it’s a conscious intention or an unconscious intention. Your intention can be sensed by the people you’re interacting with, and it creates the foundation of your conversation.

Prior to any important talk, create a clear, value-based intention for the conversation. Then, before you say a word to the other person, remind yourself to stay focused on your intention. This value based foundation will help you build the kind of connection that will produce satisfying results for everyone concerned.

___ Underlying Concerns
Check to see if you have any underlying concerns about having this conversation. You may want to have a conversation about the family budget or how much quality time you spend together. But you may have an underlying fear that the other person isn’t willing to discuss this issue with you in the first place.

Know that “any unexpressed fear is often interpreted as aggression.” So start by expressing any underlying concern and quickly let the other person know what, if anything, you would like from them about this. In our example, you may want to get a green light from the other person about their willingness to have the discussion.

___ Get on the Same Page
As the first part of the conversation, make sure you get on the same page about what may have happened in the past or offer a concise description of the present circumstances. It’s essential just to speak about what’s going on in terms of specific events. Absolutely no judging or labeling.

___ Economy of Words
in an important conversation, more words are not better. An economy of words is essential for creating understanding and clarity.

___ Intention Again
Next, if it fits in the conversation, let the other person know what you would like to create in the this conversation and in your relationship with them: verbalize your intention.

___Get Their Point of View
Find out what’s important to them in the situation. What outcomes might they want, and how could you support them in creating their intention for the situation? In this step it’s critical that you do not attempt to interject your point of view or analyze what they want.

___Negotiation
Now you’re ready to come up with strategies that will help both of you get what you want in the situation. Work together and brainstorm ideas. Before you agree on any strategies, make sure that your ideas don’t leave anything out for either of you.

___Agreements
This is the point where you decide who will take the actions necessary to move ahead with the strategies you’ve come up with. These assignments need to be satisfying to both of you. And you also need to agree about who will take which of the actions, and when they will be completed.

___Accountability
Following-up on your agreements is critical. Set the date for your next meeting to see how everything is going. Don’t wait until things are going badly to check-in. At this accountability meeting see if anything is missing for either of you or if you’d like to make any adjustments in the agreements you’ve made.

One last thing, after every conversation, check in with yourself. Did you enjoy the way the conversation went? If you did, it’s time to celebrate! If not, it’s a great time to identify what was missing for you.

Review your conversation using this checklist. What points on the checklist were missed? Which ones could you have spent more time on?

Remember communication isn’t a science it’s an art. So practice, practice, practice!

With much love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

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Difficult Conversations About Tough Issues

With everything that is going on these days–the elections fast approaching, economic worries, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan having no end in sight–you’re bound to have a lot on your mind. Are there times you’d like to talk to someone, but feel worried about bringing these topics up for fear it will end up as a debate or even an outright argument?

This fear is the result of the Us Against Them mindset that is so prevalent in our culture. Whenever we disagree with someone, this mindset leads us headlong into intense debates or arguments in order to determine who is right and who is wrong about the issue.

Creating a WE Mindset

In order to create relationships from a new perspective–what we call the We mindset–it’s critical that we start by establishing a sense of alignment.

The process of creating alignment begins by getting clear about what’s important to everyone involved–what you each value. To figure this out you can start by asking: “How do we want to treat each other during the conversation about the issue?” and then, “How can we discover what we each value, rather than just debating our opinions?”

So instead of beginning a conversation by arguing the issue–such as whether or not we need more or fewer troops in Iraq–you try to discover what values are represented by these opinions. People with either of these opinions may each value safety, support, or perhaps predictability.

Discovering Alignment in Underlying Values

That’s the interesting thing about creating alignment. When you get under people’s opinions and get to their values, you’ll find that these are often the same. And that makes it much easier to get on the same page.

Creating this initial alignment is how you start co-creating a context for discussions where everyone’s ideas are heard and valued–where the point is to exchange ideas and gain clarity, rather than prove whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong.

Beginning any important conversation by creating alignment paves the way for far greater satisfaction for everyone involved, and allows for the possibility of being heard and understood about what’s really important to you.

“I now see that the major shift in human evolution is from behaving like an animal struggling to survive to behaving like an animal choosing to evolve. … And to evolve, we need a new kind of thinking and a new kind of behavior, a new ethic and a new morality. It will be that of the evolution of everyone rather than the survival of the fittest.”
~Jonas Salk Quote

Alignment is crucial if you want to enjoy the benefits of the We mindset in your relationships.

Two Questions that Ease Communication

So, before you have any important conversation, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “How would I like this conversation to go?” and, “How can we get to what we value rather than just debating our opinions?” This internal clarity will help get you focused on the We mindset prior to starting the conversation.

Then, start the conversation by letting the other person know you would like to hear what’s important to them about the topic, and let them know you’d also like to he heard and understood about what’s going on for you. Ask if that kind of conversation would be enjoyable for them as well.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To learn more about creating alignment and how to have a life filled with joy and satisfaction, visit:
The Art of Conscious Connection

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Do You Play the Blame Game?

Do you ever hear yourself say things like: “They were so rude”, “He is so selfish”, or “She’s such a control freak.” What about when you’re driving and some one cuts you off… is “What an idiot, jerk, lousy driver” the first thing out of your month? If any of this sounds familiar then you’re playing a game that no one ever wins. It’s called “The Blame Game”.

When you focus on negative labels about what people “are” (demanding, controlling, manipulative) it’s certain that no one will end up happy or satisfied with the interaction. And what makes these situations even worse is that focusing on what people “are” prevents you from taking control because you’re giving way all of your personal power.

When you label people you place the full responsibility for improving matters on them. If you believe that you’re unhappy because they “are” selfish or unreasonable then your problems cannot be resolved until they change their ways. This blame game prevents you from overcoming your hurt feelings and can lead to serious relationship problems.

But you can take back responsibility for your own happiness. The first step in reclaiming control is to release the idea that other people are causing your emotional pain. When you realize that it’s your thinking about people using negative labels that is causing you to feel bad you’ve taken your first step forward.

Letting go of these negative labels allows you to focus on what you “do want” in each situation. You can then ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved.

When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as opportunities to explore ways of meeting everyone’s needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship with others and yourself.

Try This Tomorrow

Any time you hear yourself blaming someone or complaining about circumstances in your life, figure out what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved and then identify at least one action you can take or a request you can make that will improve your situation.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until tomorrow…
Beth and Neill

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What’s your perception?

Are you sure it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world and you better “look out for number one” at all costs? What if everyone could get what they want at no one else’s expense? What would the world be like then?

In most modern culture, competition is encouraged as the best way to get ahead. We’re taught early on that “winning” brings success, while “losing” is a mark of disgrace. But the dilemma is, if one person is winning, then someone else is guaranteed to be losing.

Competition results from the belief that there’s not enough to go around–if others get what they want, I can’t get what I want. While the idea of competition is so deep-seated that it appears to be the that we breathe, luckily that’s not true. We have the choice to behave creatively. In contrast to competition, a creative perspective is based on thinking strategically with the goal of finding options that everyone can be happy with.

“Creativity often consists of merely turning up what is already there.”
~Bernice Fitz-Gibbon

Imagine that creating is like having a blank canvas, where you can produce effective communication and craft solutions that will satisfy everyone. Think about how much more enjoyable life would be if everyone was working toward the same goal. With a little practice and effort, we can re-train ourselves to think in terms of creating rather than competing.

Give it a go for yourself…identify a competitive situation in your life and readjust your thinking to view it from a creative perspective. Look for solutions that will satisfy everyone involved and take action toward making them happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
Until next week…

With Love,

Beth and Neill

To learn more about how to craft creative solutions, read our article:
The Negotiation Dance

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