Why don’t people fess up when they’ve done something “wrong”?

In our work, we believe that fear of taking responsibility is a result of being “Domesticated”. We define Domestication as any Training Process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

We enjoy how Don Miguel Ruiz describes this in his book The Four Agreements.
“Children are domesticated the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love so much the same way that we train any domesticated animal: with a system of punishment and reward.

We are told, “You’re a good boy or girl,” when we do what Mom and Dad want us to do. When we don’t, we are “a bad girl or boy.”

When we went against the rules we were punished; when we went along with the rules we got a reward. We were punished many times a day, and we were also rewarded many times a day. Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.”

Becoming an Auto-Domesticated Animal

The domestication is now so strong that at a certain point we no longer need anyone to domesticate us. We don’t need parents, the school, or the church to domesticate us. We are so well trained that we become Auto-Domesticated animals.”

We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same system of punishment and reward. We punish ourselves when we don’t follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we are “good boys and girls.”

We’ve all grown up in this Auto-Domesticating culture.
(see the work of Riane Eisler: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler
and Walter Wink: http://www.walterwink.com/books.html)

Our culture practices judging whether we are good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserve punishment …

Integrity vs. Morality

This causes people to confuse Integrity with Morality. We define Integrity as: Being true to your Chosen Values and your Highest Self, vs. Morality, which is: judging the rightness or wrongness of something according to Culturally Learned moral standards. Morality is the practice of judging what’s good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserves punishment.

In this culture people get Integrity & Morality mixed up so they believe that failing to act as others expect will cause them to be judged as Bad and Wrong, or worthy of punishment. So people fear the punishment that will follow from the judgments of others such as: How irresponsible / inconsiderate / selfish / stupid … or What a jerk / creep / idiot, and so on.

In this situation it’s no wonder there are so few souls willing to martyr themselves to the consequences of these moralistic judgments.

What Would You Prefer?

Given all this, it seems to us that the more important questions are: How do we move from a culture where we try and control people’s actions through fear of punishment and desire for rewards to one where we elicit the actions we want from others by engaging in a compassionate dialogue that is focused on gaining clarity about everyone’s needs in a situation (such as one where someone has acted “irresponsibly”), thereby eliciting a sincere agreement to participate together in a way that serves the highest good of everyone involved?

And as an important prerequisite: How can we gain the level of Values Intelligence needed to focus our attention on maintaining integrity with what is most important to us (at the essential, core, “spiritual” level) rather than being driven by our culturally learned, habitual thinking?

So (as a shamelessly self-promoting plug) if you find these questions intriguing you may be interested to know that much of our work is dedicated to finding practical and effective answers to these last two questions.

Are there people in your life who drive you crazy?

Do you ever have trouble enjoying the time you spend with certain people–even though you may like or even love them? Are there people in your life who you only spend time with when it’s unavoidable?

Everyone we know has certain people in their lives who drive them a little nuts. Often this prevents them from initiating contact, even if these people are family or long time friends.

So what do you do then?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question then you may want to try a practice we’ve developed that makes spending time with these people a little more enjoyable. The first part of the practice is to remember that everyone is always doing the best that they possibly can.

They’re doing the best they can?

This may sound a little simplistic or even a bit ridiculous, but this practice really does have the power to radically affect your ability to enjoy yourself with these people. And they don’t need to change a bit for this to happen.

However, embracing this practice is much easier said than done. Whether you have a parent who seems to show constant disapproval, a coworker that never stops talking, a cousin who continuously whines about everything that’s wrong in their life, or whoever it is that does whatever they do — the truth is they REALLY are doing the best they can.

How can we know this is true? Well, think about it for a moment. If they are driving you crazy; do you think other people love this behavior? If you are hesitant to be around them; do you think others are eager to be with them? Do they seem genuinely happy while they’re doing whatever it is that bugs you? Does their behavior seem fun for them or effective at helping them get what they truly want? We tend to doubt it.

So if they knew a better way to relate to people — one that they enjoyed more, that they recognized others enjoyed more, and that was more effective at meeting whatever needs motivate their behavior — don’t you think they’d do it that way instead?

They are just trying (unsuccessfully) to be happier.

The first part of the practice we suggest is to see that everything they do is the result of trying to get their needs met or to experience something they value. The problem is that: 1) they just haven’t learned how to get to the core of what is most important to them, and 2) they haven’t yet learned how to behave in ways that help them get what they want.

So, the next time you are with your cousin and he starts complaining and whining about all the problems in his life, first remember he’s doing the best he can. Then, if you want to go a little deeper and have even more fun, you can start applying the second part of the practice, which is playing the Values Guessing Game.

How do you play?

The game is played like this. You start by asking yourself:
“If I was acting like this what would I value that I either want to receive or to contribute in this moment?” Then guess.

Here are a couple of examples.

If your cousin is complaining about his woes in life, and then you ask yourself why you have ever complained to anyone else about anything, you might guess something like, “It sounds like you’d like a little understanding for how hard a time you’re having with this?” Or, “I guess it would be a relief to know that someone cared about how you’re doing these days?” Or maybe, “I wonder if you’d like some support about how to take care of that problem?”

You see, he would probably value the relief he’d get from some understanding, caring, and support. This isn’t mind reading; it’s a guessing game that you play so you can have more fun in the conversation

What if you hear that your mother disapproves of how you’re managing your love life? You ask yourself why you ever offered relationship advice to one of your friends, and then you might guess, “It sounds like you care about me and it’s important to you that I have a happy and successful relationship?” You see, she probably cares and just wants to contribute to you and her disapproving words are the best way she knows how to help you be happy and successful in your relationships.

Being Right or Being Happy?

The guessing game is not about trying to be right;  it’s about trying to connect with them. They’ll let you know whether or not your guess is accurate. And either way they’ll most likely have something else to say, which is just another opportunity to play. And this is not about trying to change the other person; it’s about trying to enjoy yourself more.

We know this may not be the most enjoyable way for you to hear a request for caring and support from someone in need or to receive help for improving your love life. Even so, you’ll be amazed at what can happen when you stop wanting the people in your life to be different than they are, start to recognize they’re simply doing the best they can, and then start playing the Values Guessing Game with them.

Give it a try. We guarantee your time with them will immediately start being more fun for you. (And don’t be surprised if they start seeming a little bit different too.)

Building a Foundation for Success

We believe that the quality of our relationships creates the quality of our lives. If this is true then it’s vital to know how to effectively align your needs and desires with the needs and desires of the people in your life. Without this ability, it can be difficult to maintain the quality of relationships essential for creating the kind of life you truly want.

How can you know if someone in your life is on the same page as you? Are the same things important to both of you? Do you want similar results?

Establishing alignment is an essential ingredient for successful co-creation. In life, we often go about our own business trying to achieve our own goals, yet we are all still interconnected. These connections put limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating genuine co-operation starts with alignment. This is a process of getting clear about what is important to everyone involved at the deepest level of their core values. When you start building the alignment process on this foundation of shared values there’s less room for disconnection and disagreement.

This means making sure you establish alignment at a values level before you begin to create strategies for getting what you want.

When You Put the Cart Before the Horse

We often see people get stuck when they try to gain someone’s cooperation and they start the conversation by offering or asking for strategies. The trouble with this is that people usually have different ideas about which strategies would work best. It’s easy for disagreements about the strategies to end up sounding like judgments and justifications.

As an example, say you work in a very small office and a coworker at the next desk speaks louder than allows you to easily concentrate.

If you walked over to their desk with a strategy already in mind–such them keeping their voice down while they’re on the phone–the first thing you might hear is disagreement about how loud they are speaking or some kind of justification about why it’s important to speak with a confident tone of voice.

It’s possible to avoid the back-and-forth that is bound to ensue if you begin the conversation with a deeper level of understanding and connection. You can much more easily create the cooperation you want when you start by creating alignment around what you each value.

Why? Because at a core level we all share the same set of values and beginning a conversation by focusing our attention on these values stimulates our natural tendency for empathy and compassion.

Aligning with Success

Think about it. In this situation, wouldn’t each person want to experience consideration?

Would understanding be important to them?

Would they like to be free to make their own choices?

Do you think they’d like to be comfortable, relaxed, and free to express themselves?

Yes, of course they would, and so does everyone else.

So in this work situation, imagine having the intention to start your conversation:

• with no agenda other than cooperating so that everyone gets what’s most important to them,
• with an intention to first create understanding and alignment about what you each value in your ideal work situation,
• and without attachment to any particular strategies.

If this was your intention, you might start by letting them know there is something you’d like to get on the same page about.  Then request to have a conversation where you can discuss what’s most important to each of you about your work environment and relationships with your coworkers.

In that conversation, you might explore the value you place on being able to concentrate while working and their desire to be effective during their phone calls.

When Issues Become Opportunities

The volume they use while on the phone, and your desire for concentration, can become an opportunity to get more connected and aware of each other’s values.

This quality of sharing paves the way for you to co-create strategies for working together that ensure everyone experiences more of what they want.

This is how to begin co-creating a shared vision of success. Alignment paves the way for easy agreements and satisfying results that produces far greater enjoyment for everyone involved.

How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

This blog post was inspired by a question we receive from our community.

Finding the Path to Forgiveness after a Tragedy Caused by a Family Member

Grief recovery and forgiveness can be a terribly sensitive and complicated subject. We don’t claim to be experts (or anything close) in this area, but we have found in our experience working with people that. . .

You can’t drag someone down the path to forgiveness. Your family member will start down this path when they recognize that arriving at the destination is accomplished for their own sake, not for the one being forgiven.

Your family member will not be ready to actively participate in resolving the source of their negative emotions toward the person who caused the tragic event, until the they understand the impact that these feelings have on their own happiness and well-being.

And, not until they fully understand the important messages that these negative emotions are trying to give them will they understand the impact that leaving this situation unresolved is having on their lives, nor will they recognize the actions they can take to resolve it.

Use the Power of Compassionate Listening

If you wish to help one family member in the process of grieving, forgiveness, and recovery toward the one responsible for a tragic event; we suggest the most powerful thing you can do it is to listen to their pain. Listen completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda. Listen so carefully that you understand the important message their negative emotions are trying to offer to them. Listen so accurately that you can reflect this important message back to them in a way they too can understand–completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda.

The negative emotions they feel toward the other family member are the result of focusing their attention on the negative details and impacts of this tragic event. But like all emotions, when carefully explored they always lead to an understanding of what is most important or valuable for the person to experience next–in this case, how to recover what they have temporarily lost.

We are confident that when your family member clearly understands the valuable aspects of their life that seem to have been taken by this event, that understanding can be the first step on the path to recognizing what they need to do to begin experiencing those things again–and even more.

Other Posts that May Help with this Process

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-across-differences

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/your-crucial-conversation-checklist

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/dealing-with-difficult-people-now-learn-to-handled-them-in-a-constructively-way

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-skills-are-not-just-about-talking

Get Support from Grief and Forgiveness Pros

If your pain about your family member’s pain is so great that it prevents you from listening with this degree of objectivity and compassion, we suggest that you find someone with the empathy skills who can.

We recommend that you begin your search by investigating grief recovery, counseling, or support groups in the communities where your family member lives. Such help can be found from organizations online such as: http://www.griefshare.org/ and http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss/GriefSupport/FindingHelpForYourselfOrALovedOne.htm.

To find others, Google this exact string: +Grief +Forgiveness +Support +Groups

For results specific to your location, you can then add “your city” in quotes at the end and click search again. Often, the local community resources you’ll find are free.

If you are trying to help your family find the forgiveness necessary to recover from a tragedy, we hope that, at least in some small way, you can find value in these words.

We honor your intention and wish you all the best in re-creating wholeness, love, and hope in your family.

Want more than you’re getting?

Do Angry People Make You Angry?

Do you wonder why angry people don’t take some sort of anger management class? Isn’t it tiring, when you have to deal with angry people? If you’re like most of us, dealing with angry people probably makes you somewhat angry yourself.

When you listen to people venting constantly, one of two things is likely to happen. Either you withdraw because it’s too stressful to listen to, or you end up becoming frustrated inside and this makes you appear angry on the outside.

It’s important you realize that another person’s anger doesn’t have to make you angry. Their anger is not about you. When someone is angry, it’s because they are not getting what they want, so don’t take it personally.

Guess Why I’m Angry?

While it’s best to avoid taking another person’s anger personally, you might be the trigger for their anger somehow, and it can be helpful to figure out what their angers about–what’s going on for them under the surface. Again, you are not the cause of their anger, but if you can guess why the other person is feeling that way, then you might be able to take action to help improve the situation.

How do you guess the reason for another person’s anger? Examine their needs and values-either directly, by asking them, or indirectly, by thinking about what may be driving those negative feelings. Everything a person does is driven by their needs and values.

Anger Might Equal Opportunity

“Usually when people are sad, they don’t do anything. They just cry over their condition. But when they get angry, they bring about a change.” ~ Malcolm X

Once you understand that everything truly comes down to needs and values, you can just guess about why another person is angry. And, in doing so, you will feel more relaxed and be better able to stop taking things personally, because their anger is really not about you.

Related Anger Management Resources

Michele Borba: Anger Management Tips for Kids | Dr. Michele … - Dr. Michele Borba share her secrets for discipline problems, behavior troubles, school issues and much more! Parenting advice, tips, and articles for raising happy, healthy children from conception to graduation.

If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of … - Anger Management ala George Anderson. Presented by Anderson and Anderson-Global leader in anger management training and certification. If you were an employer, would you hire yourself? : Advantages of Executive Coaching …

Anger Management with Yoga Therapy – Potent yogic technique to help you release and be free of your anger and frustration. Illustrations and practice detailed included.

Got Conflict Management?

Do you ever find that you avoid working something out with someone because you fear that just bringing it up may start an argument?

To overcome this fear the first thing you need to do is avoid having an “Us vs. Them” mentality. That’s easier said than done, because this pattern of thinking is extremely common in our culture. We are trained not to trust people from a very young age: “don’t talk to strangers,” “look out for number one,” and we should “always come out on top.”

This competitive mindset impedes our ability to develop cooperative and effective relationships.

Now is the Time

Creating cooperative relationships that are focused on the power of a “We” mentality can only happen when we are able to establish alignment with others. This involves clearly identifying our own intentions and being able to determine the intentions of others. Only when you have this information can you work toward developing alignment of purpose and reliable agreements that will help improve the relationship.

Feel the WE

A shared vision of success is critical for resolving any relationship issue. Are there similar things that you both hope to achieve? Start there, and work toward “getting on the same page” as your relationship partner. From the perspective of shared goals it is much easier to appreciate the power of working together, the true power of “We.”

“Power consists in one’s capacity to link his will with the purpose of others, to lead by reason and a gift of cooperation.” ~ Woodrow Wilson

Once you experience alignment, you will know the power of the “We” mentality and why it will bring you far greater satisfaction in all your relationships.

Do You Know Any Difficult People?

Is it challenging for you to stay calm and present in the face of critical people–you know those people that have something to say and can’t say it without raising their voice and trying to convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

Would you like to have options other than cringing, heading for the hills, or yelling back to defend yourself? If so, there are two places to look whenever you find yourself reacting in these ways: In Here and Out There.

What’s Going on “In Here?”

The space between your ears is the first place to look whenever you start experiencing discomfort in any situation. It’s where you’ll find the beliefs that are at the root of the problems you think are happening “out there.”

Have you ever seen someone parasurfing–using a small parasail to pull themselves across the waves on their surfboard? Your thoughts are like the parasail in the wind, the wind and surf is what’s going on “out there.”

If you don’t know how to control the parasail, it’s unlikely that you’ll keep your balance, let alone control where you’re headed. And balance is critical if you want to gain control of yourself and the situation when someone is flipping out.

Falling – Then Catching Yourself – Then Falling – Then. . .

Imagine standing on the surfboard, perfectly balanced, with no force being applied to you, the surfboard or the parasail. Very Zen-like, but you’re not going anywhere are you?

The fun starts when the wind catches the parasail and you feel the drag of the water under the board. In that instance you’re falling forward–and unless you regain your balance quickly, you’re headed for a wipe out.

But then the wind shifts, the waves rise and you’re starting to fall again, and then you regain your balance, and then you’re falling, and then. . .

Keeping Your Balance

To maintain your emotional balance in the face of strong criticism, two things are essential. First, you need to recognize the moment that you start feeling discomfort of any sort. Second, you need to have the skills necessary to regain your emotional balance in a split second.

The first part–recognizing the moment you start feeling discomfort–is actually harder than it may sound.

In studies to prevent police violence, when officers were questioned closely, they recognized that there were typically five verbal exchanges that preceded violence.

Yet these highly trained individuals weren’t even conscious of these exchanges until they were probed. Once they recognized this they saw that the violence may have been avoided if any one of these exchanges had been handled a little bit differently.

Like these officers, you have an emotional guidance system that is highly tuned to alert you to the first moment that things are getting out of balance. And your emotions are much like the control lines on the parasail.

It’s by learning to accurately respond to the way you feel–the lines–that you gain control of your thinking–the parasail. This is how you keep your balance and control the direction the situation is heading.

Controlling What’s Happening Out There

Unfortunately, very few of us are trained how to use our emotional guidance system, how it relates to our thinking, or how emotions and thinking control our behavior.

It seems most of us grow up believing that we’re being dragged through life–into and out of one situation after another–helpless to do anything but hang on and hope for the best.

Or even worse: we’ve been misguided about what the control lines are and how to use them to control the parasail. Instead, we’ve learned that being “emotional” is a “bad thing,” “the best defense is a good offence,” “it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and countless other beliefs that teach us to react rather than respond.

This leads us back to the second part–having the skills you need to regain your emotional balance in a split second. This is essentially the same as learning to control the parasail in the wind. It’s learning to consciously choose the beliefs that govern your thoughts, which often requires you to un-learn prior beliefs.

This is the process of developing what we call your Values Intelligence–your ability to know and apply what you value, regardless of your circumstance.

Without these skills–like the police officers we mentioned–it is unlikely you’ll recognize when things are going wrong, or be able to respond soon enough to prevent minor upsets from escalating into serious problems.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can develop your Values Intelligence take a look at our article: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/settling-for-less-than-you-really-want-create-the-life-and-relationships-you-desire-now

And if your ready to do whatever it takes to stop melting down, clamming up, or flipping out, then enroll in The Art of Conscious Connection Online eCourse. It’s specifically designed to give you the In Here skills you need to start gaining more control over the direction of what’s happening Out There.

Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s relationship advice that opposes dating after being widowed or divorced until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:

http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news.

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill