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Whether You Love Them Or Hate Them

This time of year there’s always some kind of family event looming in the near future. These are supposed to be warm, good times, but it doesn’t always seem to turn out that way. Are you often left wondering if it was a good idea to go? Dreading the next “fun” event? Many times family events are just laden with difficulty and stress. Maybe your extended family includes a few difficult-to-be-with characters that keep you from really relaxing and enjoying yourself completely.

What if–this year–you could approach the situation differently and possibly even change the outcome? You might even find that you enjoy these events, maybe even start looking forward to them. How would that be? The following five steps can help you plan and survive this years family get-together.

Decide to make a difference!

You really can make changes in how you personally handle the different situations that come up when you visit family. Imagine how nice it would be to enjoy your family’s company and really relax and have a good time with them. It’s a choice that you can make, one that will improve your own experience, as well as the experience of others around you.

Step #1 - Choose your own experience

This tip refers to creating an intention. You need to decide for yourself how you want your experience to be. If you are clear about what you want, then it is easier to make that happen. Ask yourself the following question, “How could we all benefit from the experience of being together?”

If your answer to the question includes having fun, having peace and harmony, and feeling more connected to each other, then you are on the right track to changing your own experience, and the experience of your other family members. You can make the next family gathering one that is fun and peaceful, and one that even leaves you feeling more connected to your family.

Ways to make these things a reality might include being more playful with each other, and less judgmental. When things start to become difficult during a family gathering, remember what your intentions are, and how you want it to turn out.

Step #2 - Remember this truth, each person is doing the best they can

This particular step is something you might need to continually remind yourself of. It’s hard when Uncle Joe constantly complains about everything, or when your mother picks and criticizes every part of your life. Imagine if these people knew better how to create their own intentions and have more fun and peace. Do you think they would behave differently? They probably don’t like it either. Can you see how their probably doing the best they can with what they know? It is up to you, and how you react, to change the situation.

Instead of getting upset, remind yourself they are doing the best they can. To change your experience it’s essential that you concentrate on creating the outcome that matches your own intentions. While this is more easily said than done, it is possible. How?

Step #3 - Remember to not take things personally

Again, definitely easier said than done, especially when it seems like a personal attack. People say and do ridiculous stuff all the time. But, we’re here tell you that the ridiculous things they say and do–unknowingly–are an attempt to experience what they value and has nothing to do with you, you just end up being in the way.

If your mother is harping on you for not settling down and getting married, she might be worried that if you don’t have a family and the emotional security that accompanies that you won’t be happy. She is probably “Doing the Best that She Can” and saying these things because she really cares about you. But, remember, this is about what’s important to her. Don’t take it personally!

When you hear someone say something that seems like an attack, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to think about why they would say such a thing. Wonder what is going on with the other person, rather than how you end up feeling. Remember, you are creating your own experience.

Step #4 - Understand what they’re asking for

Family get-togethers can be upsetting when people are not sure about what they want and expect from each other. Not being sure about what others want or expect can leave you feeling quite confused and uncomfortable. Often this leads to you trying to defend yourself or your situation, or possibly even to give unwanted advice.

Change these situations by looking for some clarification. If your brother is constantly complaining about not having enough money for his rent, you can clarify whether he is just venting his frustrations, looking for you to help with networking opportunities for new jobs, or asking you to borrow some money. Sometimes asking the other person how you can help, and whether they are hoping you will just listen or actually do them a favor, can really defuse a potentially volatile emotional situation.

Think about the first three steps before you start asking for clarity. Remember your intentions, remember others are doing the best they can, and don’t take things personally. Then, make a guess or offer a solution that works for you. When your brother complains about his finances, you might ask him if he’d like you to ask some business owners you know if there are any viable opportunities. You may be right with your guess about what he wants from you, but even if you are wrong, it can open the door to a more productive conversation about his financial situation, one that leads to a more enjoyable interaction, and, ultimately gets you closer to your own intentions. Either way, this leads to less stress for both of you.

Step #5 - Focus on developing your ability to be grateful

When you focus your attention on something, it tends to grow. When you notice things that are unpleasant, then your pain and suffering will grow. When you focus on things that you enjoy and things that make you happy, then your happiness will grow.

This sounds simple enough, but it does take some work on your part. Plan to enjoy your family, then focus your attention on truly enjoying them. Focus on how delicious the food smells, or the funny stories that your uncle tells that make everyone laugh. These things will help you feel grateful for your family, and grateful that everyone takes the time to get together and stay connected.

If you follow these five steps, you will quickly learn that family gatherings can be fun and peaceful, and might even leave you thinking you are glad that you went.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season filled with love, peace and happiness,
Beth and Neill

Tags: dealing with family during the holidays, dealing with family problems, family dedication problems, family problems

Feeling stressed out?

Some days just don’t go terribly well. Your schedule gets thrown off, you easily get into squabbles with the people around you, it’s as if Murphy’s Law is running the show–anything that can go wrong, will!

When you’re having this kind of a day, how do you typically handle the stress? The way you routinely handle your stress, and the increased anxiety levels that accompanies things not going your way, is known as your stress response.

The same way your knee jerks up when the doctor taps on it, there are also particular ways you respond when you start getting stressed out.

Yours might be running straight to the freezer and climbing into a container of Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream. Or perhaps you screech at every person who crosses your path.

Your stress response takes over as that last straw breaks the camel’s back–you’ve just had enough!

How do you relieves stress?

When stress levels reach a breaking point, it’s normally too late to stop and respond from a conscious place. Start to pay attention earlier–before it’s too late. Identify methods of dealing with stress as it starts to build up, before it gets out of control.

Consider what your stress response might be. You might not have thought about it before. Perhaps you don’t even realizing when stress begins to take its toll and starts to send you into rampant, unconscious coping mechanisms.

Once you discover how you actually handle stress as it begins to tip the scales, you’ll be able to avoid counterproductive behaviors and choose healthier more satisfying outlets.

What creates change?

The next time you start to feel stressed out, keep an eye on how you are reacting in the situation. Do you explode like a bomb, devour the contents of your fridge, or do you get a knot in your stomach and began to feel physically ill?

Keep a record of your physical sensations at those times. Write down what you’re thinking and what you end up doing.

You can’t change anything you’re not aware, so the first step is to know thyself. And then find ways to react differently.

With love,

Beth and Neill

Tags: anxiety levels, breaking point, dealing with stress, stress levels, stress response

Choose Your Metaphor - Change Your Mindset

Have you ever heard of or done an Outward Bound, type program? Their mission is to enhance self confidence and self-esteem through challenge and adventure, and to encourage participants to achieve more than you ever thought possible.”

Sounds like a cool, adventurous way to start building self esteem! The beauty of these programs is that they ask you to use your skill set in situations very different from your regular life. Whether or not you have the time and resources to take such a program, this type of adventure is available to you every day.

Reframe your activities today!

It begins by taking yourself mentally out of your habitual mindset. You might not be able to physically change the basic routine of your day, but you can change your attitude and reframe your activities. We call it Choose a New Metaphor.

A metaphor is a figure of speech in which one thing is spoken of as if it were another. A famous one is Shakespeare’s “All the world’s a stage.” By looking at your day through a different set of images, especially one that reflects an activity where you feel success or enjoy the challenge of, you begin to recognize the vast talents you have and a renewed sense of self.

So pick your metaphor! “My life is a hike in the woods.” “My job is a shopping trip with a set deadline.” The metaphors are as vast as your imagination.

As Robert H. Schuller wrote “Let your imagination release your imprisoned possibilities.”
This week… start your day by picking a new metaphor. You can keep the same one for a week or change it up each day. So don’t wait to increase your self confidence, start today!

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…

with love,
Beth and Neill

Tags: improve your self-esteem, increase your self confidence, low self esteem, Self Esteem

Feeling Dissatisfied?

Have you ever thought about all the time people spend grumbling about what they don’t like? Are you tired of hearing yourself and other people complain? What if all the time and energy people spent complaining could be channeled into fixing what it is that they’re dissatisfied about?

We all have complaints. Whenever we’re irritated or frustrated, it often seems like the first course of action is to complain. While it may seem that voicing our complaints is a way to relieve stress, complaining actually distracts us from the cause of our dissatisfaction and prevents us from improving the situation. Over time, constant complaining can create a feeling of hopelessness that keeps us from experiencing the happiness we seek.

“Realize that if you have time to complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”
~ Anthony D’Angelo

Feeling unhappy is a signal that something important-something we value-is missing in that situation. The key to finding authentic happiness is learning to dig beneath the surface complaint and discover what you value that’s missing. Then you can decide which actions you can take to do something about it.

Next time you hear yourself complaining–Stop–Identify what’s missing for you in this situation and decide on one action you can take in that moment to experience what you want. Give it a try and let us know what happens.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Tags: complaining, complaints, effects of complaining

What to Do Now?

During traumatic times in your life, everything can seem completely out of control. Everything that you always thought was “normal” gets called into question. It’s hard to know what to do, what is right, where to turn. Going through a divorce is considered to be one of the greatest life stresses anyone must endure. Those who are trying to recover are often left wondering how to heal a broken heart, in addition to any other problems like finances, children, jobs, or other responsibilities.

Being able to survive a divorce-and even come out stronger than before-is possible. Even if you were the partner initiating the divorce proceedings, it’s hard to come to terms with it. But, you can actually recreate your life into one that meets your needs and may even exceed your expectations. Here are five tips to get you pointed in the right direction for divorce recovery.

Survival and Recovery Tips:

1. Take care of yourself-In order to take care of your business, whether that means your children, your finances, or your job, you will need to take care of yourself first. Without keeping yourself together, you won’t be any good to anyone else.

2. Take time to feel good-Including pleasure in your life is important, not only during times of high stress, but always. Everyone needs to treat themselves now and then. Be sure to continue doing things you enjoy, or find some new things you like. Some people find that making a wish list of 10 things they love doing and then 10 things they would like to try keeps them moving forward.

3. Seek comfort from others-Going through a divorce process can leave a person feel extremely lonely. Remember that you can always count on yourself, and you will need to do this more and more to get through. Finding out that you are your own best friend can be incredibly empowering. This is an opportunity to reflect and identify what is most important to you. Once you understand these values, you will be better equipped to deal with the difficult feelings that you are faced with.

Divorce might mean the loss of something you might have dreamed of, and you might be judging yourself as a failure. But soon you will learn to search deeper within those feelings and find yourself and make your life what you need and want it to be. Divorce support is often only a phone call away, from either a caring friend or a professional counselor.

4. What lies ahead?-A fast recovery from a divorce requires careful planning for the future. When you can start imagining and visualizing what your life will look like, and create a clear view of what you need to get from life, you will be able to take the next steps. When you focus your attention on your goals, they have a tendency to materialize.

5. Miracles can happen-Sometimes when we are at our lowest points, miracles can occur. As you examine your life, look for the little things that you might have taken for granted before. Despite the fact that you may be surrounded by chaos, take every chance you can to enjoy a peaceful moment, a sunset, a favorite television show, or a quiet game with your kids. It’s time to reconnect with friends, lose weight, or pick up a new hobby! Appreciating all the things you do have in your life is definitely an important step in the divorce recovery process.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Tags: Divorce, Divorce help, Divorce recovery, Divorce support, Heartbreak, How to heal a broken heart

A Gift That Keeps on Giving

With the gift giving season fast approaching, we want to tell you about a gift you can give to anyone you’re in a relationship with.

Are you having communication problems in any of your relationships-at work, at home, or with friends? Do you ever wish there was something you could give to someone that would improve your relationship? Would you be surprised to learn there really is such a gift?

If you want to strengthen, enhance, and grow your relationships, the best gift you can give is the gift of presence. Now, we’re not talking about anniversary, birthday, or Christmas presents … The presence we mean is the gift of listening to the other person without thinking about yourself at all.

“If you want to be listened to, you should put in time listening.”
~ Marge Piercy

Being present for another person doesn’t just mean listening to them without speaking. It requires that you really put yourself and your desires aside for the moment so you can fully hear what they have to say. When you give the gift of presence, you’re not only showing other people that you appreciate and support them, you’re also opening the door to discovering what’s really important to them-the hidden values underneath their words.

This week, identify one thing you can do in relation to this awareness and take action. Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love, or
Beth and Neill

Tags: Communication, communication problems, communication skills, happy life, relationship, relationships

Are your thoughts blocking your way?

Are you ever concerned that you’re not good enough or not smart enough, or that you simply don’t have what it takes to get what you want in life? Do you ever wonder why you feel this way or why these thoughts pop into your head as often as they do?

These thoughts are caused by what we call limiting beliefs and are the effect of how we interpreted unpleasant experiences from our past. Unfortunately, each limiting belief that we adopt throughout our lives becomes road blocks and keep us from achieving the results we want.

“There is only one cause of unhappiness: the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so widespread, so commonly held, that it never occurs to you to question them.”
~Anthony de Mello

Open road ahead

There is a way to use these limiting beliefs to your benefit. Turned them from road blocks that keep you from getting to where you want to go into warning lights that assure a safe and pleasant ride. You can do this by becoming aware of how you feel. The trick is to turn any feelings of discomfort into a flashing red light. When you feel uncomfortable in any way, stop what you’re doing and identify the thoughts in your head-these are your limiting beliefs.

Once you have identified these limiting beliefs, you will be able to uncover the truth that is buried within them-what’s most important to you or the thing you value that is missing from the situation. Once you start practicing this, you’ll begin to transform your actions from habitual to conscious.

And as we Always say… the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love,
Beth

Tags: Anthony de Mello, conscious choice, false beliefs, Happiness, happy life, Self Esteem

The good news is…

I’m on a lot of e-mail lists. Lists that offer information about personal growth, spiritual development, Internet marketing, and the list goes on and on. I’m on these lists because I am a lifelong learner. They provide me with insights, understandings, good information, and opportunities for growth and development in different areas of my life.

I’ve been receiving one particular e-mail from a organization called CharityFocus and I would love to share it with you. What this organization offers me is inspiration and we could all definitely use more of that. They do this by finding good news–people and organizations working to uplift and contribute to others.

You can sign up for their daily good news newsletter today by going to: http://www.dailygood.org

Here’s a little tidbit from their last e-mail

No one has yet fully realized the wealth of sympathy, kindness and generosity hidden in the soul of a child. The effort of every true education should be to unlock that treasure. –Emma Goldman

Kids Embrace The Giving Spirit:

The very rich and the very famous capture the headlines for their charitable giving. But another group of avid philanthropists is also leaving its mark. Young people from grade school on are engaged as never before in making a direct difference in the world. They are donating via the Internet to favorite projects overseas, creating their own nonprofits to pursue social causes, and becoming grantmakers on foundation boards to foster change in their home communities. Some youths have gained that awareness from volunteer activities. Many have seen celebrities take up worthy causes. Others have traveled with their families and encountered the challenges many children face in other countries. This article from the Christian Science Monitor read more at:http://www.csmonitor.com/2008/1124/p13s01-wmgn.html

Be The Change:
As the holiday season approaches, help introduce a child to the joy of giving.

Trust me, if you want to bring more happiness into your life, seek out good news.  One simple way to do this is by signing up for the dailygood.org newsletter and bring the gift of good news into your life.

With love,
Beth

Tags: CharityFocus, christian science monitor, growth and development, inspiration, lifelong learner, personal growth, soul of a child, spiritual development

How Do You Deal?

Do you end up dealing with difficult people on a regular basis? If so, are there times when you want to just run in hide, or click your heels and make them disappear? Or are you the kind of person that gets angry and combative right back at them? Either way, these situations can be very stressful. But don’t worry…

The good news is that there are ways to deal with these people that are much less stressful and you’ll also end up feeling much more satisfied with the outcome.

Believe it or not, some people don’t let these kinds of situations bother them. They simply stay calm and stress-free when confronted with upset and anger. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what they know? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe a sigh of leave the next time you end up dealing with an angry person.

Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take personal responsibility. We believe that the only reason they’d be disturb–and letting us about it–is that it must be about us. The first thing to understand is that when managing these kinds of situations is that it’s not about you, it’s really all about them!

I can guess what you’re probably thinking: “What you mean don’t take it personally, when there are someone screaming at me and telling me it’s my fault!”

I understand how difficult this will be at first, but when you begin to appreciate this one point, it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things personally: Every statement you hear someone say comes from a deep and inherent desire to satisfy their needs or to support something they value. And you most likely do the same thing - its normal human behavior.

Unquestionably Everything stems from either Needs and Values.

As an example, someone who is upset may just have a need for consideration, or they might in reality value dependability. By getting upset, they are attempting to satisfy these needs or honor what they value.

Let’s say that an angry man has a conversation with Gandhi (while he was alive). And he said to Gandhi, “You’ve never had a difficult life so don’t pretend to you know what suffering is. People wait on you hand and foot! You’re such a phony!”

Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would– defensively, with anger and critical words? “What do you mean phony? Try doing what I do every day… you wouldn’t last a minute. You an ignorant little man– you probably don’t even work for a living!”

Now I’m sure you can imagine where this conversation would end up!

It’s almost impossible to think of Gandhi reacting this way, but why not ? What does he know that most of us don’t?

Gandhi knows that the man upset stems from his own challenging life and is just venting about his own pain. The man is angry because his needs have not been satisfied, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values.

So, from now on, when confronted with difficult people, try to remind yourself that absolutely everything people say or do is an effort to meet their needs or support something they value.

The next you’ll are in one of these uncomfortable situation–STOP–don’t justifying yourself, instead start by reminding yourself that their anger isn’t about you, it’s about them and their situation.

Don’t take it to personally.

Consider this: Do you want your happiness to be dependent upon others, or do you long for the kind of happiness that you have complete control over? Take charge of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.

Another great way to stay calm when dealing with others’ who are upset or angry is to be curiosity. Ask questions such as, “Hmm, they seems very tense and upset. I wonder what’s going on in their life that has them feel this way.”

Stop and take a if you minutes to empathize with their circumstances and think, “If I behaved the way they’re behaving toward me, what could possibly be going on in my life?” Then guess what it could be.

Changing your focus of attention in this way can truly set you free. You’ll stop acting or feeling defensive. This focus will lead you to a much more peaceful place and will help you to fill your life with happiness, and a multitude of satisfying relationships you’ll truly enjoy.

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.”
~ Albert Einstein

Let’s review: - Tension and defensiveness isn’t the only way to deal with difficult people. - everything people say or do is in support of something they value or to meet some need. - Their upset is not about you, don’t take it personally. Take on the attitude of being curious. - Your happiness is not dependent on how others act or what they say.

When dealing with difficult people, this approach will help you open the door to a renewed sense of happiness and freedom you will no longer be restricted by your circumstances. You get to choose how you respond and what actions you will take.

If you want to start interacting differently with people who are upset, you must first practice the essential skills that create a more peaceful, happy life. If you’re ready to create that kind of life now, sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series. The sign-up form is at the top right hand side of your screen. Don’t wait, sign up today. You’ll be happy you did.

With love and great appreciation,
Beth

Tags: angry person, dealing with anger, how to deal with difficult people, how to handle difficult people, relationship, relationships, tips for dealing with difficult people, tips on dealing with difficult people

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Part 1

Step 4: Ask For What You Want.

Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.

You see, for one person caring might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like caring at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them caring might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.

For your relationship to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual intention for your relationship that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that intention for each of you.

Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their preferences.

We suggest you dig into your relationship intention so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.

To figure this out we find it helps to ask:

What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my relationship and elsewhere in my life?

Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.

Read Part 5 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: caring, Happiness, intention, intimacy, preferences, relationship

As promised, here is the first installment of our new monthly feature:

If this is the first time you’re playing along, you may want to read our initial explanation. You can find it here: Is It Really True? Quiz Intro

Please remember that in this quiz there are no right or wrong answers. We simply want to stimulate dialogue in our community about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs. This quiz comes out of a practice we have of asking ourselves if the beliefs we hold as the “truth” are our own, or if we have just adopted them unquestioningly. We hope you enjoy playing along.

Here’s the first statement…

Fear of getting a ticket is the best way to stop people from speeding.

Do you agree or disagree?

Here’s what we came up with when we examined the statement.

Why would governments give tickets in order to stop people from speeding?

We believe that everything we say or do is to meet a need or experience something we value. And when we want something we come up with ideas for getting it–strategies such is giving tickets to people that don’t obey the speeding laws in order to stop people from speeding. Since cultures, societies, and governments are made up of people, we believe the same holds true at that level.

Keeping all this in mind, the first thing we want to do is get to the essence–the underlying values–hidden within any strategy.

What values are people trying to satisfy with this strategy?

We guess these might be the needs or values underlying the strategy of giving tickets to stop speeding:

• safety–so less people are injured or die on the roads.
• predictability–so you have greater confidence about what you can expect when you get on the road.
• effectiveness–by establishing clear agreement about what is and is not unsafe.

Can you think of any other needs our values people may be trying to satisfy using this strategy?

Why this strategy?

Now the question becomes, why this strategy? In our experience, behind every strategy we choose there is a belief that guides the choice and our subsequent actions. So what’s the cultural belief that led the government to choose this strategy as opposed to any other?

Here’s a possible belief we came up with that might have led to adopting this strategy:

• People need authorities who “know better” to set strong boundaries that will govern their actions.

Which may point to these even deeper underlying beliefs:

• People can’t be trusted
• People only care about themselves
• People make bad decisions on their own

Can you think of any others beliefs that might lead to making laws that impose traffic fines as a way to prevent speeding?

Does this strategy work?

If your goal is to make people worry about getting a ticket, then we would say this strategy works. But if what you really want is safety, predictability and effectiveness then we think it’s probably not working very well.

Think about it. How often do you still see people speeding? How often do you speed yourself? Why is it that so many people continue to speed if there’s a law that tells you not to, and is enforced by the use of speeding tickets?

We’ve identified a number of reasons for this, but the one we’ve picked to explore here is the difference between intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

We define the difference this way: being motivated from our internal values vs. being motivated from externally imposed consequences.

If you’ve been brought up in a typical world culture, then you are no stranger to externally imposed consequences. They start at a very young age. Early on, the authorities in your life teach you what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

And you probably quickly learned that you get punished for being wrong or bad and rewarded for being good or right.

So here’s another rule–don’t speed. Enforced using an externally imposed consequence–you’ll get a speeding ticket that will cost you a lot of money and a lot of time if you disobey.

What does this strategy accomplish?

Let’s recap:

• There is a cultural belief: People can’t be trusted so authorities must tell them what to do.
• The culture teaches using a system of punishment and rewards.
• Government came up with this strategy of punishing people who break speeding laws by giving tickets that costs them both time and money.

But what do most people learn from this strategy–both now and when they were children? In our experience the lesson learned is:

Don’t Get Caught When You’re Breaking the Rules.

Given the number of people who still speed, it doesn’t appear that this strategy–or what people actually learn from it–satisfy the underlying desire for safety, predictability, or effectiveness.

What might satisfy these underlying values?

Now let’s contrast the use of extrinsic motivation with intrinsic motivation. What would it take to cultivate intrinsic motivation?

How would we motivate people to do things–such as obey agreed upon speed limits–simply because this was in harmony with their personally held values?

Let’s start with the underlying belief.

What if we were able to change our cultural belief from “people can’t be trusted,” to “people can be trusted to make decisions that are for the highest good of everyone involved” because they inherently care for, and want to contribute to others and themselves.

Where would this belief take us?

Would we change how teach our children?

Let’s see . . . If our underlying cultural belief was that “people can be trusted to make their own decisions,” then most likely we would want to support them in staying present to what’s most important to them–what they personally value.

And we would probably ensure that our children’s education included developing their emotional intelligence. This would support their ability to make decisions based on how their actions might benefit or impact themselves and those around them.

We would still want to do whatever we could to maintain safety, predictability, and effectiveness on our roads, but with this underlying cultural belief, what strategy might we come up with?

This is where we start getting into very unknown territory. We’re not raised to pay attention to our internal values, or whether the consequences of our actions are in harmony with our values. Instead, we are constantly being distracted by external authority telling us what to do–and by the threat of consequences if we don’t obey.

So where this would go and how it would turn out is anyone’s guess.

But imagine being raised in a culture where your caring, kind and competent nature was valued and nurtured. Where your ability to reason and come up with successful, satisfying choices for everyone concerned was respected.

Imagine that your education, both at home and in school, had focused heavily on supporting you in making your own decisions, with respect for your internal guidance. And it supported this through teaching, conversation and experiences designed to help nurture these abilities.

Now imagine, as a society we have decided that limiting speed really will support achieving the goal of keeping our roads safe, predictable, and effective. What strategy might you use to achieve the greatest possible compliance with these speed limits?

What occurs to you?

That’s our thinking on the subject. Please let us know what occurs to you about any or all of this in the comment field below.

We look forward to reading your response.

With great trust and respect for your ability to choose wisely,

Beth and Neill

PS Please remember to sign up for the RSS feed to make sure you are alerted to our next installment of: Is It Really True?

Tags: cultural beliefs, cultures, emotional intelligence, fear, initial explanation, personal growth, predictability, question authority, self development, self-exploration, truth

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing mind games or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest communication can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy relationship.

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal relationship–one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it caring, fun, and predictability, or is it freedom, inspiration, and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: happy relationship, honest communication, inspiration, intimacy, mind games

Everything Old Is New Again

Have you ever noticed how everything seems to cycle back into popularity. Bellbottoms, guys with long hair, tie-dyed shirts–they all seem to be coming back in full force. We read somewhere that it takes about 40 years for things to get recycled back into popularity.

We’ve decided not to wait 40 years to bring back The Full Cup Test, an exercise that we used in our seminars awhile ago. We named this based on an old Zen story that goes something like this:

“Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), was visited by a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. “It’s overflowing,” said the university professor, “no more will go in!” “Like this cup,” Nan-in replied, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

It’s Hard To Receive When Your Cup’s Already Full

We just love what this story teaches and we strive to keep emptying our own cups so we’re able to continue learning new things. One way we do this is to think of the tea as a metaphor for the cultural beliefs that fill our minds. This tea comes in many varieties for us: beliefs about what life means, who we are, how we should act, and many others. These beliefs motivate our actions and dictate the direction we will take on our life’s journey.

Because of this, we often ask this question: Are the beliefs that I hold as the “truth” my own beliefs–ones that are truly in harmony with my personal values–or are they beliefs that were handed down from past generations and I have just adopted them unquestioningly?

Question Authority

As we start to question, we are able to empty our cups, which allows us to taste new and more satisfying varieties of tea. We believe this is essential for our continued learning and growth, and for us to evolve into the highest expressions of ourselves.

We also believe that our deepest discoveries emerge in relationship with others. Since we connect with others through language, the most powerful interactions happen through dialogue: sharing our stories, discoveries, and ideas.

To support this evolution in our community, we’re bringing back a modified version of The Full Cup Test. Our aim is to use this as a fun way to stimulate conversation that promotes self discovery. This time we are calling it:
Is It Really True? ~ New Rules For The Game Of Life Quiz

There are no right or wrong answers. Our goal is to stimulate dialogue about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs. The point is to ask yourself these questions and comment on what you discover:

• Do I believe this statement?
• What cultural belief is this statement based on?
• Is this belief in harmony with my personal values?
• Does it support me living consciously and in harmony with what I value most?

In the next few days we will be posting the first installment of this monthly quiz. So sign up for our RSS feed and look for the title, “Is It Really True?” Then drop by and start playing this game of self discovery by seeing if you agree or disagree with the first statement.

Tags: belief, conversation, evolution, fun, love, personal growth, personal values, Power, relationship, Self, truth

Have you ever wondered how to keep those pesky issues from your past relationships from cropping up like weeds in your present relationship? Does it seem that no matter how hard you try, the same old patterns keep replaying like a stuck record?

It’s an old saying, “No matter where you go, there you are.” But, unless you take specific steps to avoid it, it’s just as true that, “No matter where you’ve been, there you go!”

What do we mean by this?

Simply put, people don’t take responsibility for consciously creating a future that draws them to it. More often than not, they take what’s happened in the past and expect that this is most likely what’s going to happen to them in the future. Then they live into that prediction.

We can guarantee that you’re doing this if you’ve ever asked yourself some version of these two questions:

Why does the same thing keep happening to me over and over again?

Why don’t I learn from my mistakes?

Past, Present and Future

Without getting into a quantum physics argument, time in the physical realm flows from the past, to the present, and then into the future. But since we human beings have a memory–and are so very, very good at creating meaning–we form opinions about what’s happened to us in the past and apply these opinions to what’s happening to us now as a way to predict our future.

The future tends to be this big, scary, black hole of the unknown, and we don’t like the unknown very much. This leads to the obsession with predicting the future we humans have always had.

In our human perception of time there is our memory of our past, our experience of the present–which is colored by our experiences in the past–and then there is this big blank space called our future. And since we don’t like these big blank spaces we tend to fill our future with predictions that we base on our past experiences.

So instead of past, present, future, our timeline looks more like: past, present, past. In other words, we put our past in our future and then live into that.

Starts to make sense why history repeats itself, doesn’t it?

Predictability = Safety — T’aint Necessarily So

It’s obvious people want to predict the future because they believe this will create greater safety or security. The problem with this is that our prophecies tend to be both: 1) of the worst possible scenario, and 2) self-fulfilling.

This is not a good combination. Whenever you predict a future based on your unpleasant experiences in the past, you are very likely to fulfill on your prophecy of an unpleasant future.

So how do you get your past out of your future?

The first thing is to believe that your future is entirely unpredictable and then make a commitment to stop using your past experiences to predict it. It’s okay to use your past to inform your future, but not to predict it.

Now granted, this is much easier said than done because you can’t ever stop doing anything, you can only start doing something else.

We suggest you start getting very clear about what values you weren’t experiencing in your past by exploring these “recurring” past experiences that you don’t enjoy. Once you identify what you value that is missing for you in these experiences , you can then put all of your attention on ways to get more of this in your future.

Using the information about what you value most in life is how you use your past to inform your future. But first you have to believe that–since your future is unpredictable–it is possible for you to have what you value in the future. We find many people don’t believe this.

The trick here is to make very concrete plans for how you can experience more of what you value in the future, and then take whatever actions you need to in order to have those plans happen.

We can’t guarantee that you will get what you want, because the future is unpredictable!

But, since what you focus your attention on grows–and since you’re focusing your attention on what you value and on specific plans to get it–we’re confident that you’re much more likely to get it than if you keep filling up your future with your past.

With a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

Tags: commitment, question, relationship problems, responsibility, success

I Guess You’ll Do.

Are You Settling for Less in Your Life?

Yes, this is just a silly little video–both funny and sad–but after watching it you might want to ask yourself these questions: Is my life the effect of societal expectations? Am I settling for less than what I truly want?

If so, you’re not alone. We believe settling for less happens because people haven’t discovered what they are truly passionate about–what brings joy and meaning to their lives. Or, if they do know what they’re passionate about, they’re not sure how to create a life that embodies this passion.

If you don’t know what you’re passionate about, try asking yourself these questions:

1. What brings me the greatest joy?
2. How do I most like spending my time?
3. Who is the person I admire most in the world?

Your answers to these questions will give you clues to what you are passionate about. When you learn the answer to these questions–and get to the core of what you’re passionate about–you can begin discovering ways you can experience more of these things in your life.

Knowing what’s most important to you is the very first step you must take in order to stop settling and start creating the life you truly want.

Take the time to survey your life and answer the questions above. Pick at least one of the qualities you want to experience in your life. Then identify at least two ways that this quality already exists in your life. If it doesn’t exist, then come up with at least one action you can take to create it. After you’ve taken this action notice what starts to happen.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.
With love,

Beth and Neill

Tags: best life, best life ever, best years life, best you can, beyond fear, create power, do it, don't give up, fearless, freedom from fear, overcome fear

We just love the Emotional Freedom Technique and believe it is a great way to relieve stress. if you’ve never heard of it, here’s a video we found that will introduce you to this amazing technique.

Stress Relief with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Visit
http://www.Tapping.com
for more Emotional Freedom Technique videos, EFT articles, and my E-Book.

Emotional Freedom Technique is a simple acupressure technique for releasing negative feelings.

You feel negative feelings in the body, so you have to go to the body to work on them.

You can release a negative feeling right now with this video. If you’re stressed you should find yourself more relaxed after this video, and feeling more able to deal with whatever is stressing you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: How hard should I tap?
A: Tap lightly, just so that you feel it. The purpose of the tapping is to bring your attention to different parts of your body, it actually works if you just imagine tapping - as long as your attention is drawn to the right points.

Q: How can I be sure I am finding the right points?
A: Use two fingers to make sure you cover the points. Sometimes the point will ‘feel’ right, as if there is a slight indent in the skin or the point is particularly sensitive. It’s all connected so you don’t have to be 100% accurate.

Q: You have missed out points that Gary Craig teaches!
A: Yes. Feel free to tap those too, I left them out to keep the video simple and it seems to work fine without them. If you find the video doesn’t work for you, try tapping the additional points - around the top-middle of the head, and just under the armpit.

Q: Is the sequence important?
A: No. You can tap the points in any order. In fact you only need to tap one or two of the points for each particular feeling. It’s just you have no easy way to know which point so you might as well tap them all.

Q: I am a skeptic! / You are a charlatan!
A: Thanks. Tapping is perfectly explainable scientifically but it does go beyond most people’s understanding. It really does work though, and the best way to prove that to yourself is to try it and watch your negative feelings disappear.

For more info see the Introductory video which gives a bit more explanation:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=6i33V2EcVlY

Also this video shows use of an electro-acupuncture pen to show that the points have a different electrical resistence to other parts of the body:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=GCYkdK0Uol0

Hope you enjoyed the video and learned a new way to relieve your stress.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

Tags: acupressure technique, emotional freedom technique, negative feelings, Stress Relief

Here are some basic definitions of confidence:

a feeling of trust (in someone or something)
a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favorable
freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities

Confidence. Certainly it is something we’d all like to have, right? It can be compared to hiking along and coming to a deep, steep ravine. You are on one side and your destination–what you want–is on the other. You need a way to bridge the gap.

Imagine you have three options. You can choose to swing across using the rope that’s hanging there, use the rickety footbridge swaying in the breeze, or use a walking stick to help you scramble down into the ravine and up the other side. No matter which you choose in this analogy you’ll most likely get to the other side, but a strong sense of self-esteem, and confidence will surely be needed.

Two Important Steps that Lead to What You Want

Let’s say one of the ways you’ve chosen to achieve one of your important goals is by focusing on positive, supportive beliefs about yourself. That’s fabulous… But the next and often overlooked step in building self-confidence is bridging these beliefs with your values. In our Pathway to Personal Freedom eCourse, we talk about personal values in this way.

“Awareness of your personal values helps you avoid feeling confused, and avoid the stress that comes along with that confusion…

“We’ll make a rather bold assertion here that most of the distress people feel is a direct result of not being clear about what they most deeply value, and then behaving in ways that are contrary to these undiscovered values.

“We can’t emphasize this enough and will actually bring it up again and again: understanding your personal values and living in harmony with them is key to a life of healthy self-appreciation, good self-esteem, and a strong sense of self-confidence.”

Try It and Then Decide

Go to our website, and download our complimentary Values Exercise at http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

Once you have it, choose any area of your life you been working to improve–where you would like to feel more confident. Then do the Values Exercise.

When you’re finished and have your list of values, come up with at least two actions you can take to improve this area of your life that are in harmony with your values. Then set a specific time to have completed these actions.

After you’ve taken these actions, ask yourself: “Do I feel more confident about this area of my life?”

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next week…
Beth and Neill

Tags: building self confidence, living in harmony, personal freedom, personal values, Self Esteem, stress, undiscovered values

We just received this comment from a school counselor registered for our Weekly Tips eMail Series about the message titled If Only I Had More Self Esteem.  She had read the book, Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn, and wrote asking, “He too is against punishments and rewards. Would you be able to go into more detail as to how it affects our beliefs about ourselves?”