(We had the opportunity to do a guest article for the PuddleDancer Press, Nonviolent Communication site and we wanted to share it here with our community too. You can read the first bit here and the rest there… :~)

It’s That New Year’s Resolution Time Again

In January it’s traditional to make New Year’s resolutions. You plan to go to the gym, get into great physical shape, earn more money, improve a troubled relationship, or get along better with your family members.

But you suspect that in a few days or weeks you’ll get tired of making the effort and your good intentions will disappear. Would you like to improve your chances of making your resolutions stick?

Maybe you worry about how much effort and work is involved, or you think it isn’t possible to have these things. Just like last year, you’ll slip back into your old patterns. Well, there is a fun and easy way to begin to create your ideal life with little effort on your part. It starts by creating an intention.

What is intention?

Intention means knowing what you want and directing your actions toward that outcome. You might want your life to be more peaceful and harmonious. Or you might crave adventure and discovery. You can make intentions for your life as a whole, and also for any situation, relationship, or time period. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Or maybe, during meetings at work, you want more support and effectiveness.

Why Create Intentions?

Creating intentions takes only a few minutes out of a day, yet it is a powerful tool you can use to set your resolutions in motion…
Keep reading this article at NonviolentCommunication.com >>

Why don’t people fess up when they’ve done something “wrong”?

In our work, we believe that fear of taking responsibility is a result of being “Domesticated”. We define Domestication as any Training Process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

We enjoy how Don Miguel Ruiz describes this in his book The Four Agreements.
“Children are domesticated the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love so much the same way that we train any domesticated animal: with a system of punishment and reward.

We are told, “You’re a good boy or girl,” when we do what Mom and Dad want us to do. When we don’t, we are “a bad girl or boy.”

When we went against the rules we were punished; when we went along with the rules we got a reward. We were punished many times a day, and we were also rewarded many times a day. Soon we became afraid of being punished and also afraid of not receiving the reward.”

Becoming an Auto-Domesticated Animal

The domestication is now so strong that at a certain point we no longer need anyone to domesticate us. We don’t need parents, the school, or the church to domesticate us. We are so well trained that we become Auto-Domesticated animals.”

We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same system of punishment and reward. We punish ourselves when we don’t follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we are “good boys and girls.”

We’ve all grown up in this Auto-Domesticating culture.
(see the work of Riane Eisler: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riane_Eisler
and Walter Wink: http://www.walterwink.com/books.html)

Our culture practices judging whether we are good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserve punishment …

Integrity vs. Morality

This causes people to confuse Integrity with Morality. We define Integrity as: Being true to your Chosen Values and your Highest Self, vs. Morality, which is: judging the rightness or wrongness of something according to Culturally Learned moral standards. Morality is the practice of judging what’s good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or inappropriate, worthy of reward or deserves punishment.

In this culture people get Integrity & Morality mixed up so they believe that failing to act as others expect will cause them to be judged as Bad and Wrong, or worthy of punishment. So people fear the punishment that will follow from the judgments of others such as: How irresponsible / inconsiderate / selfish / stupid … or What a jerk / creep / idiot, and so on.

In this situation it’s no wonder there are so few souls willing to martyr themselves to the consequences of these moralistic judgments.

What Would You Prefer?

Given all this, it seems to us that the more important questions are: How do we move from a culture where we try and control people’s actions through fear of punishment and desire for rewards to one where we elicit the actions we want from others by engaging in a compassionate dialogue that is focused on gaining clarity about everyone’s needs in a situation (such as one where someone has acted “irresponsibly”), thereby eliciting a sincere agreement to participate together in a way that serves the highest good of everyone involved?

And as an important prerequisite: How can we gain the level of Values Intelligence needed to focus our attention on maintaining integrity with what is most important to us (at the essential, core, “spiritual” level) rather than being driven by our culturally learned, habitual thinking?

So (as a shamelessly self-promoting plug) if you find these questions intriguing you may be interested to know that much of our work is dedicated to finding practical and effective answers to these last two questions.

Do you ever worry that you are not “good enough,” “not smart enough,” or just “don’t have what it takes,”? If so, you’re not alone. Many people have these thoughts. While it may be helpful to know that you are not alone, these thoughts can really interfere with your ability to achieve the things you want most out of life.

A recent report published by the Priory Group addressed the issue of low self esteem,  reporting that millions of British women are suffering from low self esteem that prevents them from having healthy relationships and reduces their overall quality of life. The report, titled, I’m Not Good Enough, surveyed the women on several issues and concluded that these problems are pervasive.

Have you ever seriously thought about your self esteem? Do any of the following statements ring true for you?

1.  I’m just not good enough to get what I want.

2.  At times I feel worthless.

3.  Other people don’t seem care about my needs.

4.  I’m often concerned about what other people might think of me.

5.  From time to time, I worry that there’s something wrong with me.

6.  It seems as though I’m all alone and I must do everything by myself..

7.  Thoughts such as I’m powerless, weak, not safe, helpless often pop into my mind

8.  At times feel like, I’m unlovable or unworthy.

9.  Sometimes in challenging situations, I don’t take care of myself very well.

10. My life is very limited, I have no choice.

If these are things that describe you or how you feel, then low self esteem is most likely limiting you in someway. Interpreting unpleasant experiences from our past often ends up making us think we are less worthy and less deserving of happiness. On the other hand, past circumstances aren’t the only way you might start believing statements such as those above.

For example, have you ever heard someone say something about you and you took it to mean that one of those statements must then be true about you? Now, just because someone says something about you doesn’t make it “THE TRUTH”, but the consequences of believing it is true can have a serious affect on your self-esteem.

On the other hand, self esteem doesn’t just miraculously improve when someone makes a positive statement about you either. Often it’s quite the opposite; many self esteem building experts now suggest we should back off from over-praising our children and making them feel good without having them put forth any effort or motivation.

The truth is, self esteem is not really the goal, it should be considered as more of a result of a person’s confidence in themselves, and knowing what they are capable of achieving. It is often described as a way to explain how well your actions produce results.

Can you learn to build self esteem? Yes, definitely. But only if you are able to transform the limiting beliefs that you hold, these are the things that are preventing you from developing enough competency to make you feel confident.

Before you can build self esteem you must take those limiting beliefs and transform them into new beliefs, ones that lead you to develop new skills or improve old ones. This is not as difficult as it seems. There’s a formula you can apply to help you work through the process, think of it as putting out a fire—the fire that has burned up your self esteem. You’ve most likely heard the phrase, “stop, drop and roll,” and this is what you need to do to build your self esteem.

How does this work? First, you must Stop and listen to the warnings you are hearing from yourself. Then, you need to Drop all judgments of yourself. Finally, you will Roll out a new plan to improve your beliefs.

Stop

Before you can make any changes, you need to identify how you feel. It is often easiest to start with feelings of discomfort—take these as the early warning signs. As soon as you begin to feel this way, immediately Stop and try to identify those judging thoughts that are running through your head. It can be helpful to actually write these thoughts down on paper.

Drop

Once identified, the judgments need to be quickly Dropped. This means you need to know what is truly important to you. When you figure out what you value–that has you make these judgments in the first place–you then shift your thinking from judgments to values and focus on them.

For example, ” I’m just not good enough to get what I want.” might change into focusing on how important accomplishment, or happiness are to you. Try these statements on for size, which feels better? ” I’m just not good enough to get what I want.” How does that feel? Now try this one, “I care so much about accomplishing things and being happy is very important.” How does that feel? Can you feel the difference?

Roll

Dropping judgments can put out those awful fires that have burned down your self esteem. After the fire is gone, get ready to Roll out a new plan, one that focuses on what is most important to you and one that focuses on your strengths. Plan to include two or more specific actions that will support you on your new path to improved your confidence and increased happiness. For instance, if you are looking to find more satisfaction in your career, perhaps your plan could include refreshing and updating your resume and pursuing some new job interviews.

Are there people in your life who drive you crazy?

Do you ever have trouble enjoying the time you spend with certain people–even though you may like or even love them? Are there people in your life who you only spend time with when it’s unavoidable?

Everyone we know has certain people in their lives who drive them a little nuts. Often this prevents them from initiating contact, even if these people are family or long time friends.

So what do you do then?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question then you may want to try a practice we’ve developed that makes spending time with these people a little more enjoyable. The first part of the practice is to remember that everyone is always doing the best that they possibly can.

They’re doing the best they can?

This may sound a little simplistic or even a bit ridiculous, but this practice really does have the power to radically affect your ability to enjoy yourself with these people. And they don’t need to change a bit for this to happen.

However, embracing this practice is much easier said than done. Whether you have a parent who seems to show constant disapproval, a coworker that never stops talking, a cousin who continuously whines about everything that’s wrong in their life, or whoever it is that does whatever they do — the truth is they REALLY are doing the best they can.

How can we know this is true? Well, think about it for a moment. If they are driving you crazy; do you think other people love this behavior? If you are hesitant to be around them; do you think others are eager to be with them? Do they seem genuinely happy while they’re doing whatever it is that bugs you? Does their behavior seem fun for them or effective at helping them get what they truly want? We tend to doubt it.

So if they knew a better way to relate to people — one that they enjoyed more, that they recognized others enjoyed more, and that was more effective at meeting whatever needs motivate their behavior — don’t you think they’d do it that way instead?

They are just trying (unsuccessfully) to be happier.

The first part of the practice we suggest is to see that everything they do is the result of trying to get their needs met or to experience something they value. The problem is that: 1) they just haven’t learned how to get to the core of what is most important to them, and 2) they haven’t yet learned how to behave in ways that help them get what they want.

So, the next time you are with your cousin and he starts complaining and whining about all the problems in his life, first remember he’s doing the best he can. Then, if you want to go a little deeper and have even more fun, you can start applying the second part of the practice, which is playing the Values Guessing Game.

How do you play?

The game is played like this. You start by asking yourself:
“If I was acting like this what would I value that I either want to receive or to contribute in this moment?” Then guess.

Here are a couple of examples.

If your cousin is complaining about his woes in life, and then you ask yourself why you have ever complained to anyone else about anything, you might guess something like, “It sounds like you’d like a little understanding for how hard a time you’re having with this?” Or, “I guess it would be a relief to know that someone cared about how you’re doing these days?” Or maybe, “I wonder if you’d like some support about how to take care of that problem?”

You see, he would probably value the relief he’d get from some understanding, caring, and support. This isn’t mind reading; it’s a guessing game that you play so you can have more fun in the conversation

What if you hear that your mother disapproves of how you’re managing your love life? You ask yourself why you ever offered relationship advice to one of your friends, and then you might guess, “It sounds like you care about me and it’s important to you that I have a happy and successful relationship?” You see, she probably cares and just wants to contribute to you and her disapproving words are the best way she knows how to help you be happy and successful in your relationships.

Being Right or Being Happy?

The guessing game is not about trying to be right;  it’s about trying to connect with them. They’ll let you know whether or not your guess is accurate. And either way they’ll most likely have something else to say, which is just another opportunity to play. And this is not about trying to change the other person; it’s about trying to enjoy yourself more.

We know this may not be the most enjoyable way for you to hear a request for caring and support from someone in need or to receive help for improving your love life. Even so, you’ll be amazed at what can happen when you stop wanting the people in your life to be different than they are, start to recognize they’re simply doing the best they can, and then start playing the Values Guessing Game with them.

Give it a try. We guarantee your time with them will immediately start being more fun for you. (And don’t be surprised if they start seeming a little bit different too.)

Don’t Tell Me What to Do

Are you tired of people telling you what to do all the time? Do you long to make your own decisions and live your own life–confidently? If so, then it’s essential that you learn to make inwardly motivated decisions, ones that are driven by your personally chosen  core values and that are expressed as conscious intentions. Simply put, this is how to Be Your Own Boss.

Whether you know it or not, you always have an intention, but if you have an unconscious intention and it’s motivated by limiting beliefs then you’ll end up simply reacting to your circumstances, or as we like to say, re-enacting your past experiences over and over again.

To be your own boss you need to develop your internal authority. This internal authority comes from having a very clear understanding of what’s most important to you at a values level. Internal authority also comes from your ability to create clear conscious intentions based on these values, which in turn motivate the actions you choose to take.

Sadly, most of us have an extremely underdeveloped internal authority, which means our actions are dictated by our limiting beliefs, and our past experiences as they are triggered by external stimulus. If this is true, then whenever we are challenged by a difficult situation we often just react, mostly without even thinking.

What’s Most Important to You?

Changing this pattern and becoming your own boss is only possible when you develop your internal authority. Only when your internal authority is functioning as an expression of your values and conscious intentions will you have the opportunity to respond to situations with true authority.

The very first step in making these inwardly motivated decisions is to know what you most deeply. So if you’d like to start making decisions confidently–decisions that will be satisfying for everyone involved–start by slowing down and getting to know the person you really are.

The next time something happens, and you are feeling dissatisfied with the situation, stop and ask yourself “What do I value that’s missing for me in this situation?” When you come up with the answer, then ask yourself, “What can I do in this moment that is in harmony with my values and that will create more of what I want?”

“I saw that everything really was written there before me, and that the doors had only been closed before because I hadn’t realized that I was the one person in the world with the authority to open them.” ~Paulo Coelho

Choose to be your own boss today!

When you learn to stop reacting, and start responding with authority in everyday situations you will experience a kind of personal freedom you’ve only imagined. You are in control of your life and your experience when you choose to be.