Try This One on For Size

As we move in to the first weeks of 2011, let your number one New Year’s Resolution be a commitment to self-care and self appreciation.

Have you been putting effort into changing your life for the better for yourself, those around you, and maybe even the world? Does it seem you’ve tried just about every self help book and personal growth program on the market?

If so, while these efforts are often helpful, sometimes the self-awareness they bring can lead to frustration and even more self-criticism and judgment. They can become just one more thing you’re striving to measure-up-to.

You are Doing the Best You Can

As you move into this new year, remember that you are always doing the best you can, and that your “mistakes” are important sign-posts along the road that leads to true happiness. If you take time to read them, they can always help guide you on your way.

So the next time you find yourself feeling frustrated or being judgmental or self-critical — STOP — then take time to identify the learning lesson, celebrate your intentions and efforts along the way, and remember to appreciate all of the wonderful things about you.

“The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You will have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you will discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself.” ~ Alan Alda

Remember that it won’t always be easy to let 2011 be your year of self discovery, self-care and self appreciation, but allowing yourself to relax into the perfection of every moment will guaranteed this year to be part of the glorious, excitement filled journey of your lifetime.

How many do you have?

Have you ever counted how many remotes you have in your home? You probably have at least several, one for the television, the DVD player, the CD player, and even one for the garage door. Each remote is one that you probably can’t live without, each one having a specific purpose. You can perform powerful actions and make changes using each of these remotes.

Image via Wikipedia

The one remote that’s more important than all others

What you may not have realized is that you also have something that works like a remote control for your brain. This remote is especially powerful, and allows you to change the way you think.

How much of your time do you spend on a negative talk station? Would you like to listen to a “different station” now and then? Well then it’s probably time to use your remote by choosing to listen to a station that broadcasts more positive messages, ones that give you support and encouragement, rather than judgment and negativity.

Stop listening to the messages that say, “I am not good enough, smart enough, good-looking enough “, “I can’t, I should have, I shouldn’t have,” and start tuning into the channel that tells you that you CAN do it, you are good enough, and you’ve done a great job.

“Affirmations are like prescriptions for certain aspects of yourself you want to change.” ~ Jerry Frankhauser

It’s time for a change

So don’t you think it’s time you use your built in remote to change the channel to a more positive station? How do you think you’d feel if you start to hear messages such as, “I am worthy,” and “I can get what I want from life.”?

When you choose to only tune in to the positive messages station, you will create the kind of [tag-tec]self help[tag-tec] strategies that you need to accomplish your dreams.

Anyone that has experienced the power of positive belief statements can attest to the changes that ensue when you use your internal remote to change that negative believe channel to a more positive one.

Allowing ourselves to focus on improving our self esteem and our self image can bring peace and harmony into our lives, along with a much more authentic happiness.

Believe It or Not?

According to one dictionary, the definition of Pollyanna is a person who is unreasonably or illogically optimistic.

We’ve all heard sayings like, look for the silver lining, turn lemons into lemonade, if at first you don’t succeed, and many many others, but how did these sayings get started? Was it unreasonable or illogical optimism, or did they arise out of universal truths.

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An Inspirational Video – 12 Things to Remember

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If it isn’t clear to you whether to put faith in such statements, one way to decide is to ask yourself, “which feels better?”

Would it feel better to focus your attention on hope and possibility, or not. Would you have more motivation to help yourself and those around you, or not.

Believe it or not, it’s up to you. What do you think?

Want More Out Of Life?

Do you often wonder how to be more successful, have better relationships, or just get more of what you want out of life? Do you want to be happier and have more peace of mind?

Thinking about these things, wanting them and not knowing how to actually get them can lead to high levels of stress and frustration. That’s the bad news, but don’t worry because there’s also good news. There are things you can do, steps you can take, that will help reduce your stress and lead you toward a much happier more peaceful life.

“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

What Are You Thinking about?

In order to clearly understand what is causing stress in your life, you must begin by listening to yourself closely. Every thought that passes through your mind has an impact. Common thoughts such as, “How will I get this work done?” or “I don’t know how I will pay my bills this month.” or “What if someone I love becomes ill?” leave a mark as they pass through. That mark is evidenced by the stress you feel.

All of these stressful thoughts can be turned around so that you can focus on the positive. Instead of wondering, “How will I get this work done?” you could ask yourself, “How much work can I get accomplished today?” and then decide on a realistic answer. This sets you up to meet expectations, rather than fall short.

Imagine worrying about what would happen if someone you love becomes ill. How would you feel? Now imagine focusing on spending a lot of quality time with the people you love. How would that feel? Most worries are focused on some future event you don’t want to happen or things you wish you could change about the past.

Worry Worry Who’s Got the Worry?

It’s unrealistic to think we’ll stop worrying altogether. But, constantly thinking those “what if” and “I should…” thoughts are truly harmful to your happiness. Worry causes stress, stress causes agitation, and agitation makes you worry more. It’s a downward spiral, and one that has major negative effects on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

Unless you can learn to break the worry cycle,  the discomfort, confusion, disappointment, and pain that are caused by your everyday unexamined thoughts will continue to be your day to day companion and keep you from feeling happy.

While it’s very normal for us to worry–with practice–that same worry cycle could be turned into a productive process. This process can propels us towards positive change and moves us to another level of happiness.

Take a good look at how you interact with the world. Take some time to reflect on how you face problems and tackle them. Does sitting around worrying ever seem to help your situation? Breaking the cycle is critical.

Breaking Free From Worry

Genuine happiness is only around the corner, but developing the skills and techniques to help reframe the negative and worrisome thoughts that detour your happiness is essential. Breaking free from worry and escaping the vicious cycle is possible, if you’re willing to stop, examine, and then revise your “what if” and “if only” thoughts. It’s like breaking any bad habit–it can be done, with a commitment and some practice.

Here you’ll find a three-step plan that can quickly turn things around and lead you toward a more rewarding, peaceful, and happy life:

Notice Feelings

The first step is to notice when you’re feeling uncomfortable in any way. Contrary to what you might think, your thoughts cause your feelings, but often times we think so many things–so quickly–that it’s challenging to notice individual thoughts.

This is why the very first thing to do is to begin noticing when you feel uncomfortable.  At this point your worry becomes a helpful friend. Worry inevitably makes us feel uneasy, this discomfort can be used as a warning bell to stop and discover what you’re thinking in that moment. Managing your worries and making changes can start by simply noticing how you’re feeling.

Flip It – “Don’t Want” into “Do Want”

Worry usually takes the form of what you don’t want. Now it’s time to figure out what you actually do want. When you find yourself thinking “How will I get this work done?” it’s time to discover what you do want at a core level that has you think that thought in the first place. When you examine this thought you might realize that you truly value productivity and what you do want is to be more effective and get things finished in a timely manner.

Now What? Take Action!

Once you’ve identified the essence of what you really want, don’t stop there, it’s now time to take action. Deciding what actions to take is the next step.

You’ve determined that what you do want is to be more effective and get things done in a timely manner. Remember, worrying about what will happen in the future or fear of repeating a past mistake is what keeps you stuck in the worry cycle. Stay in the present moment. And ask yourself; “What can I do in this moment to be more effective?” “What action can I take right now that will move you closer to getting something finished?”

Each and every small step you take moves you closer to what you do want .Once you get moving in this direction, you’ll find that the process takes on a power of its own, gently releasing you from the tight grip of stress and worry and pointing you in the direction of that peace and happiness you long for. Because, when you’re in action there just isn’t that much time to be worried.

Inspiration Anyone?

We all need a little inspiration now and then.  And if you think about it, inspiration is really what keeps us moving in the direction of our dreams. Don’t stop now! Here’s a little bit of inspiration to help keep you moving towards your dreams.

Enjoy!

Inspirational Movie for Your Success: The Impossible Dream

How many times have you reached for something, felt it so close, and then gave up? How many times have you decided to change your life, but you still find yourself in the same place?

Everyone desires success in achieving their “impossible dream”, but few people actually make it. In this rare and inspiring movie, you’ll learn how to go beyond your limits and take a “leap of faith” to achieve what is important to you.

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Another Soul-Touching Inspirational Video

Positive, vibrant and purpose-driven living. What’s not to like about that…. from www.leadoutloud.ca.

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Inspiring Video – The Don’t Quit Poem

www.thedontquitpoem.com Inspirational video based on the famous Don’t Quit Poem.

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Thanks for Taking a Look

We hope you enjoyed these videos. A little inspiration goes a long,  long way. Next time you feel frustrated or hopeless about getting where you want to go, STOP and find a big old dose of inspiration to keeps you moving in the direction of your dreams.

Are You Getting In Your Own Way When Attempting to Achieve Your Goals?

Did you ever really, really want something, and try very hard to get it, only to be let down in the end because you were unsuccessful? If so, did this leave you staring blankly the face of your own frustration and disappointment?

This happens to everyone, but there are things you can do that will help you stand up, dust yourself off and get back in action much more quickly.

When you focus on one thing and direct all of your energy toward this specific goal, it is easy to forget what it is that you really want–the bigger picture. Then, if the specific action doesn’t produce the results you want, you’re bound to have a difficult time of it.

Things just don’t always turn out exactly the way we hope or the way we want. But that doesn’t mean your efforts were wasted–and focusing on how disappointed you are probably isn’t the best way to handle your disappointment.

There is an Alternative

Another way to deal with that kind of common disappointment is to discover your underlying values. What were you hoping to experience that had you set that goal in the first place?

Understanding what you are truly trying to get can help you see that your efforts haven’t been in vain and that you actually might even be getting closer to your big picture goals than you were before.

“Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.”
~ Marsha Sinetar

What’s Your Big Picture?

Think about the ultimate outcome you’re hoping for, rather than the tiny steps that don’t really show the big picture. One thing we’ve found that helps is to create a conscious intention that will help guide you toward your big picture outcome.

When many of us think about creating intentions, we think about them in therms of a goal or specific outcome. When we say create an intention, we truly are talking about an intention for the big picture–why you want any short term goal–what you want to experience in your life.

Your big picture might be to experience more peace and harmony in your life. It could be to create more cooperation with your coworkers, or have more fun and experience more caring with your romantic partner.

The big picture related to any of these intentions may involve many people and could be achieved by many different strategies. But, when you create a clear values based intention, it opens the door to a wide variety of options that you might not have been aware of otherwise.

When you have many options available to you, you are much less likely to become disappointed if one particular strategy doesn’t work out.

Are you settling?

Do you notice how often people settle for what they think they can get instead of going for what they really want? How often do you see people plodding along in their jobs, or the same relationship, and it’s obvious they don’t enjoy what they have. And how often do you see people stop short of happiness and settling for things that are barely “good enough?”

There are a couple of reasons we find that people settle for less. Usually it’s either out of fear or because they are disconnected from their values.

When fear is the cause, it can be: fear of failure, fear of loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or the big one: fear being disappointed.

Fear often leaves people cynical and resigned that things could ever be better, and doubtful that they can have what they truly want. But recognizing that you’ve become cynical can be a good thing.

A quote by Benjamin Zander, the author of, The Art of Possibility says it beautifully.
“A cynical person is just a very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again.”

How deeply do you care?

If you think about it, you would have to value things greatly and care very deeply in the first place in order to become cynical. Apathy simply wouldn’t generate the kind of energy that truly cynical people seem to have.

This disconnection from our values and these weeds of fear take root in the garden of our lives at a very young age. They are fertilized by a life of being told how to think, what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and bad, and what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

Before long these weeds start to choke out our hopes and expectations. Were further disconnected from what we value by being rewarded for obeying and punished for disobeying. It is through this process that we learn to settle for less and less.

What is true for you?

Authority figures tell us what is THE TRUTH and we learn to believe what they say – OR ELSE. And somewhere along the line we take these truths on as our own.

We aren’t arguing against the value of cultural wisdom or tradition. We are simply pointing out that there are negative effects when we’re not taught to think critically or to determine for ourselves what is important to us.

Since we aren’t taught how to determine what’s most important to us, we easily become disconnected from an internal sense of our own values. This prevents us from discovering what we value, moment by moment in our daily lives. This makes it hard to cultivate the life and relationships we truly want.

And though we become experts at griping about our situations, we never become skilled at examining our underlying beliefs that keep us in these situations. We never learned to stop and ask, “What is important to me in this situation?” or, “What do I value here and what do I really want?”

We’ll make a rather bold assertion here: the majority of a person’s internal distress comes from being disconnected from their most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that are out of harmony with those values.

What’s the Cost of Disconnection from Your Values?

To see how this might play out, we’re going to use an example that is typical of people we’ve worked with. Pat’s been going to work day after day, week after week, dreading every minute. The only options she sees are either to quit or suffer. You can easily see how settling for this job could leave her feeling frustrated.

But how she feels about her job affects more than just her own sense of well being. How do you imagine she acts with the people at work, and how might it impact the way she is with her family and friends?

Do you imagine her frustration and irritation might cause her to complain about her situation? Has anyone ever complained to you about their dissatisfaction and hopelessness? How did this affect you?

When someone settles for less it affects everyone and not just the person doing the settling.

But what prevents Pat from looking for a solution instead of just plodding along in the same old routine?

As we said before, one reason we end up settling for things we don’t enjoy is fear: Fear of failure, loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or fear of being disappointed. We also implied that Pat’s distress might be caused by her disconnection from her most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that were out of harmony with those values.

If this is true, how might getting clear about her personal values help her break out of this pattern of settling for less and propel her into action to go for what she really wants?

How Might Getting Clear About Your Values Help Your Situation?

Awareness of our personal values gives us an internal landmark or reference point that we can use to guide our actions. With this internal landmark we can guide our actions so they are in harmony with what is most deeply important to us — who we really are. So let’s examine what Pat might value that is missing in her current job situation and generating her complaints.

Well, she might deeply value connection and community, but she doesn’t really know her co-workers very well because no one talks about anything other than work.

She might also value contribution, but she never hears form her boss that her work is contributing to the organization or the people it serves. She may also be missing a sense of creativity and freedom that would contribute to her own growth.

Just by identifying how much she values connection, community, contribution, creativity, freedom, and growth, she has already gained enough clarity to see her job and herself a little differently.

Change your perspective change your life!

This change in perspective provides some distance from her dissatisfaction and shifts her focus of attention from her complaints. And as we say, what you focus your attention on grows.

It’s now possible for her to realize that there are things she values that are just missing at her job. With this clarity she can now come up with ideas about how to experience what she values at her present job.

Were not implying that she will be able to create everything she values in her current situation, but until she knows what she values, and how these values are missing in this unsatisfying situation, she will never know what to ask for to get what she wants.

But identifying what she values is just the first step. In order to make a difference, she needs to translate these values into concrete actions that will result in the experiences she desires.

To create more connection and community, she might organize some weekly activities with her coworkers, such as a discussion group during lunch or regular recreational activities after work.

To meet her need for contribution, she might ask her boss to tell her how her work contributes to the organization and the people it serves. And to meet her need for growth she can also ask for support in identifying new ways that she could contribute more successfully.

To meet her need for creativity, she could ask her boss and coworkers if they were interested in hearing her ideas for the growth of the company.

Taking these actions could also contribute to her sense of freedom.

In short, when she is clear about what she values she can begin to take responsibility for creating the kind of life she wants.

What Would You Gain From Consistent Alignment With Your Personal Values?

Clarity about our deeply held personal values creates the possibility of consistent, internal alignment. With this internal alignment we can then share the vision of what we want with others, and begin the process of creating alignment with them about that vision. We can explore whether they share these same values and are interested in experiencing them more fully.

The process of creating alignment with others about our values and vision makes reaching agreements with them, and achieving results together, happen much more quickly and easily. When you create power with other people in your life this way it opens up the possibility for greater success and satisfaction for everyone.

In our example, Pat has discovered the key that will release her from a future of confusion, complaining, and hopelessness. Now she can begin to have the life and the relationships she truly wants.

So, if you’ve been giving up on what you really want, just remember that what you focus your attention on grows. Once you’re able to focus on what you truly value in any situation, and then come up with actions that create exactly what you want most, it’s all down hill from there.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Turn Obstacles Into Opportunities to Be Happy

Do you have multiple obstacles standing in the way between you and your happiness ? Do you seem to constantly sell yourself short, and assume that you are not good enough to get what you want?

This type of thinking may be the biggest obstacle between you and your success.

Worrying that you are not good enough or smart enough or lucky enough to get what you want is what many refer to as “limiting beliefs.” We develop limiting beliefs from previous experiences that didn’t turn out as we hoped or expected.

Past Experiences Create Future Expectations

Every time an undesirable outcome happens, we can develop a new limiting belief or reinforce an old one. As we continue this pattern of thinking, we get farther and farther away from success, and the possibility of being truly happy.

“To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.” ~Alan Cohen

In order to start changing these harmful patterns of thinking, you must learn to first identify them.

As a way to practice identifying this pattern, try this. As soon as you feel the first hints of any discomfort and doubt, use these feelings as a warning signal and immediately stop what you are doing to attend to these feelings and explore the desires within them.

Conscious Thoughts Create New Possibilities

Discovering the truth behind your limiting beliefs is the next step. For this, identify what it is that you “do” want–what’s missing that causes you to perpetuate this belief. Then take actions that will help you start experiencing these things in your life.

These are two simple steps that start you down the path towards a future filled with happiness and success.

Until next time…

Would you like to win every argument you ever have?

But, sometimes you hesitate being truthful with others because you fear it will start an argument you just can’t win?

“Avoiding the topic doesn’t help it go away.” ~ Anonymous

How would you feel if you could say what’s on your mind, confidently, even if you’re worried that your listener would disagree?

Here is one simple step that will stop an argument in its tracks…

There are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable saying what needs to be said and preventing an argument at the same time.

Stop thinking about disagreement like it’s an argument waiting to happen.

Once you’re able to interpret disagreement for what it is–a different opinion or strategy–you’ll begin to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for more information.

When people have differing opinions or strategies and they start to feel tense, under the surface they are really only concerned about getting their needs meet. That’s when the tug-of-war begins.

If you spend your time focusing your attention on simply avoiding an argument–or making sure the other person agrees with your opinion or strategy–you will never be able to address the underlying concerns.

Stick with it.

So instead, continue the conversation long enough to identify the underlying needs and values of each person.

If it’s just a matter of opinion, you’ll each understand the other at a much deeper level. If you each prefer a different strategy, work together to come up with mutually satisfying actions you can each take that will create what each of you want.

When you make a commitment to get clear about what everyone wants, you will become far more comfortable speaking your mind, and ultimately this will get you closer to creating a happier and more peaceful life.

The moral of the post… to guarantee that you win every argument you have, make sure no one loses.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Want a Happier More Fulfilling Life?

We’re always on the lookout for ideas about how to live a happier more fulfilling life and what we’ve noticed is that life lessons can come from the most curious places.

Recently, ours neighbors adopted a new puppy. He is the cutest little thing. If you pay attention, dogs can teach you profound life lessons –in addition to the wonderful benefits you would usually expect, like being a loving companion.

What Can Miles Teach You?

Miles is one of the most precocious puppies that we’ve ever known. He’s a beautiful black lab mix with tons of spunky energy. By watching Miles closely, we have learned two important lessons.

The first lesson we have learn from Miles is: Ask for what you want. Too often we find ourselves doing things on our own, even if we could have gotten help from someone else. How many times have you just done something yourself rather than ask if someone is willing to help you? Someone might be very willing to give you what you want.

Miles never seems to hesitate to ask for what he needs, when he needs it. It doesn’t matter if he’s hungry, wants to play, or needs to go outside, he just asks and then he gets what he wants. We do our best to be like Miles. We have even created a habit of asking for least one thing a day–it helps us practice this lesson.

Why is it So Easy for Miles?

The second lesson: As we tried to understand why it is so easy for Miles and so difficult for many people to ask for what we want. We have settled on two important reasons for this difference:

1 – Miles is not worried that he’ll hear the dreaded word “NO.” He simply has no fear at all about this. Funny, but even when he does hear “no,” he seems sure that if he only asks a couple more times, he will eventually get a yes.

On those really rare occasions when he does hear “no” as a final answer, he is able to walk away and move on to the next important activity in his day, without giving it a second thought.

2 – The other important difference between us and Miles is that he doesn’t spend any time worrying about whether he is bothering anyone or what the other person thinks of him for asking. Miles has no investment in other people’s reactions, and he takes on no responsibility for their feelings. If someone doesn’t want to do what he wants, it’s really no big deal. He moves on, without worrying about that person’s opinion of him.

Miles certainly has not spent a lot of time delving into these ideas about himself and others, nor does he seem to have opinions about it one way or another. But, even without having an opinion, he has taught us something critical–ask for what you want, you might just get it. And you’re definitely no worse off than you were before you asked.

Try It Yourself: Ask for What You Want

If at least once every day you can identify one thing you want, and then ask for it, you will find that there are many times you will get exactly what we want. This is a simple way to achieve more than you could on your own, and the perfect way to put into practice the lessons learned from Miles.  If hearing “no” is the worst thing that can happen, why wait.  Start today and, ask away!

So what do you think, can you learn life lessons from a dog? We’d love to hear from you! Let us know by leaving a comment or joining Google friends connect and staying in touch.

until next time, with love,

Beth and Neill