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Start with Yourself

Great relationships start with people who already love themselves. Intimacy like any other aspect of a great relationship begins with the love and intimacy you have with yourself. The more you learn how to love yourself, the more you can love others–and the more love you will experience in return.

Regardless of your relationship status–single, dating, married, or divorced–intimacy can only be achieved by learning about self-love or “loving yourself first”. This is the first step to experiencing the kind of fulfillment and deep intimacy you want in your relationships.

Start Today!

How do you enhance you ability to love yourself? First, commit to noticing all of the terrific things about yourself, and celebrate when you do. When you focus on what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll find that others will begin to notice them too.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~ Buddha

It takes a practice to focus your attention on all of the positive things about yourself. It might seem like negative self-talk is the norm. When you focus on only the negative aspects of yourself, not only do you miss your own beauty, you tend to discount the love others express for you.

Start Because You’re Worth It

Few people actually take time to recognize their own wonderful qualities. The sooner that you can start to appreciate your good qualities and love and appreciate yourself for them, the sooner your relationships will become happier, more satisfying, and more intimate.

Make a conscious choice to do this and you’ll find yourself more able to fully love and receive love from others.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

Does Lack of Marriage Intimacy = Communication Problems?

Does it seem as though the lack of communication in your relationship is creating marriage intimacy problems for you and your spouse? Do you ever hear yourself complain: “Why don’t they ever talk to me about anything meaningful?” or “Our marriage would great if only we had better communication skills.” If so, keep reading. You may be surprised by what is actually at the root of the lack of intimacy in your marriage.

If you’re blaming lack of communication as the cause of intimacy problems in your relationship, you may want to examine this assumption more closely. Now don’t get us wrong, good communication is a wonderful thing. Communication skills are one of the most important things we teach couples that support them in creating healthier, happier and more intimate relationships. But if you’re using the quality of communication in your relationship as your test for intimacy, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

“You Say Tomato…”

You see, we all define things differently. Your definition of intimacy may be different than your partner’s definition. The kind of communication that supports you in feeling a sense of connection with your spouse may be different than the kind of dialogue that gives your partner a sense of connection with you.

As an example, let’s say you love having long, in-depth discussions. You could sit for hours talking about things you enjoy. Like how you feel when you see the sun rise or the way your favorite poem moves you. This depth of feeling and emotion in a conversation really helps you know you are connecting with the other person. It gives you the sense that they’re listening to you and that they want to know you as well.

This is all well and good if the other person also enjoys this kind of conversation, but not all people do. Some people, perhaps even your significant other, don’t enjoy having conversations like these. For them, a sense of intimacy might come from walking together on the beach or just sitting quietly together holding hands. They may enjoy more casual conversations: talking about their day at work or what you’re going to have for dinner.

This just reflects a difference in style, personality, and preference. The first style doesn’t make you needy or wrong for enjoying this kind of conversation. The second doesn’t make them closed-off or withdrawn for enjoying a more casual style. This only proves that you are different people with different preferences.

Apples and Oranges

So let’s look at the difference between conversational styles and communication.

Many couples believe that they’re having communication problems when they simply have different conversational preferences. We see these as two very different things. The worst part about not being able to distinguish this difference is that couples believe it means they have a lack of communication in their marriage.

Misunderstanding this can easily cause one or both people to become resentful and frustrated, which can easily lead to decreasing intimacy in the marriage. But if you can see this difference for what it really is, you can use it as an opportunity for better communication and greater intimacy.

The place to begin is discovering each of your conversational styles. What kinds of conversations does your relationship partner enjoy having? Explore their preferences and help them explore yours. Help them discover your definition of intimacy and learn what creates their most meaningful experiences.

First Things First

Now, depending upon how long this issue has been going on in your marriage, there may be a need to clean up misunderstandings that have developed along the way. Then you can tackle defining your preferences about conversational styles and intimacy. Your spouse may even be somewhat resistant to opening up about this because they worry it’s just another one of “those” conversations they don’t enjoy.

If you think this might be the case, you could start by addressing this concern. Let them know that you’ve come to realize you each may have different preferences in your conversational styles. Let them know that you’d like to understand their style more fully and what kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Then ask them straight out if there is anything that would prevent them from being willing to discuss this with you. If there is something that prevents them, then this is the most important thing to take care of. Your conversation won’t get far if you can’t get to a place of real willingness to talk this through. The good news is that you’ve opened a discussion about how you can improve the quality of your conversations in general–and what better place to start than by addressing each of your preferences.

If they are willing to discuss this, then start by revealing your conversational preferences and the kinds of intimate experiences that are most satisfying for you. Ask to see if they understand what you mean. When you’re sure they do, then check to see if their preferences are similar to yours.

If they have different preferences, don’t take it personally. Remember, these are just personal preferences and theirs don’t have to be the same as yours. This just means it’s time to explore their style more fully and learn the kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Once you are confident you understand each other’s preferences, it’s time to negotiate. We have no doubt you each can find ways to satisfy some of your partners desires some of the time.

One Size Doesn’t Necessarily Fit All

With that said, you still might yearn for more of the kinds of conversations you enjoy–and we think you’d enjoy them more with someone who has the same conversational style as you. We suggest you find someone who likes having them too.

Join a club that discusses the kind of issues you like to talk about. Find a friend who enjoys talking in the same way as you. The point is that all of your needs for conversation, connection, and sharing don’t have to be met all of the time by your significant other. (But that discussion is for another time.)

For now, the thing to remember is to define each of your preferences about conversational style and the meaning of intimacy. Then come up with strategies that will provide the kind of closeness you want in your relationship. We are confident that simply having these conversations will support you in experiencing more of the marriage intimacy you desire.

Got Intimacy?

Many couples are under the impression that marriage intimacy should come easily to them. They think of intimacy as a part of a relationship that you either have or you don’t have. They assume that once the intimacy is gone, there’s no going back. The truth though, is that there are ways for couples to work together to bring the intimacy back. This can lead to better communication, more romance and a better quality of love overall.

For most couples, the first step to getting the marriage intimacy back is to stop working against one another. Many couples think that they’re working together to solve their problems, but in reality they’re working with a ‘me first’ attitude.

Instead of thinking, “What do we need to make our marriage better,” they think, “What do I need to make my marriage better.”

Shared Commitment

The key to starting to work together, is to stop thinking of the marriage as, “My marriage,” and what do I need, and start thinking of it as, “Our marriage” and what do we need. This might seem like a simple concept, but setting the tone not just for your marriage but for your relationship is important. The way you think about your marriage, and the way you talk about it, can have a deep impact on your level of marriage intimacy.

For example, consider your favorite scene from your favorite movie. Picture the scene in your mind and pay attention to the dialogue, setting and action in the screen. Now take a moment and consider the music that’s being played. When you pictured your favorite scene, you probably didn’t even think of the music playing. Yet the scene wouldn’t be the same without it. Music works quietly in the background to set the tone and without it, the movie would not have the same feeling, or illicit the same emotions in you.

The same concept is true when you consider the way you communicate within your marriage. If you go into working on your marriage and start by simply adjusting the way you talk about it, and the way you think about your relationship, it can set the tone for your marriage that will make it easier for you and your spouse to get on the same page. Like music in the background, you might not always be aware of it, but it has the power to significantly sway your feelings for one another.

Express the “do want”

In addition to simply changing the words you used from “my” to “our” to encourage a sense of shared commitment, find ways to discuss your marriage and your needs in a more positive way. For example, if you feel that your spouse spends too much time with their friends, instead of saying, “You spend too much time with your friends,” say something like, “I would love for us to spend more time together doing the things we enjoy.”

While your initial issue might be the time your spouse is spending with friends, the underlying problem is that you want them to spend more time with you, and to appreciate the time you spend together. Focus on using self responsible language to express to your partner what you want to get out of your relationship and how you’d like to see your marriage improved.

Following these two simple suggestions can improve your relationship with your spouse almost immediately. Try it out for yourself–you’ll find that improving your marriage intimacy is easier than you may have thought.

This blog post was inspired by a question we receive from our community.

Finding the Path to Forgiveness after a Tragedy Caused by a Family Member

Grief recovery and forgiveness can be a terribly sensitive and complicated subject. We don’t claim to be experts (or anything close) in this area, but we have found in our experience working with people that. . .

You can’t drag someone down the path to forgiveness. Your family member will start down this path when they recognize that arriving at the destination is accomplished for their own sake, not for the one being forgiven.

Your family member will not be ready to actively participate in resolving the source of their negative emotions toward the person who caused the tragic event, until the they understand the impact that these feelings have on their own happiness and well-being.

And, not until they fully understand the important messages that these negative emotions are trying to give them will they understand the impact that leaving this situation unresolved is having on their lives, nor will they recognize the actions they can take to resolve it.

Use the Power of Compassionate Listening

If you wish to help one family member in the process of grieving, forgiveness, and recovery toward the one responsible for a tragic event; we suggest the most powerful thing you can do it is to listen to their pain. Listen completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda. Listen so carefully that you understand the important message their negative emotions are trying to offer to them. Listen so accurately that you can reflect this important message back to them in a way they too can understand–completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda.

The negative emotions they feel toward the other family member are the result of focusing their attention on the negative details and impacts of this tragic event. But like all emotions, when carefully explored they always lead to an understanding of what is most important or valuable for the person to experience next–in this case, how to recover what they have temporarily lost.

We are confident that when your family member clearly understands the valuable aspects of their life that seem to have been taken by this event, that understanding can be the first step on the path to recognizing what they need to do to begin experiencing those things again–and even more.

Other Posts that May Help with this Process

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-across-differences

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/your-crucial-conversation-checklist

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/dealing-with-difficult-people-now-learn-to-handled-them-in-a-constructively-way

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-skills-are-not-just-about-talking

Get Support from Grief and Forgiveness Pros

If your pain about your family member’s pain is so great that it prevents you from listening with this degree of objectivity and compassion, we suggest that you find someone with the empathy skills who can.

We recommend that you begin your search by investigating grief recovery, counseling, or support groups in the communities where your family member lives. Such help can be found from organizations online such as: http://www.griefshare.org/ and http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss/GriefSupport/FindingHelpForYourselfOrALovedOne.htm.

To find others, Google this exact string: +Grief +Forgiveness +Support +Groups

For results specific to your location, you can then add “your city” in quotes at the end and click search again. Often, the local community resources you’ll find are free.

If you are trying to help your family find the forgiveness necessary to recover from a tragedy, we hope that, at least in some small way, you can find value in these words.

We honor your intention and wish you all the best in re-creating wholeness, love, and hope in your family.

Re-Establishing Trust in Your Relationship

(The following is Part 2 of our response to a question we received. To the best of our ability we removed all personally identifying information and have made the situation as generic as possible.)

We assume you have read part one of this response in the previous blog post. We also hope you have taken the opportunity to read the article we suggested near the end of that post. Part one concluded with the importance of establishing trust in your ability to take care yourself in this kind of situation, whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse.

If you choose to move forward in the relationship, then it will be important to establish more openness and honesty with your spouse. It can be quite challenging to reestablish trust with the spouse who has lied about something as important as drug use, and overcoming these issues can take quite a while. So we recommend you only undertake this journey if you trust your ability to take care of yourself along the way.

But, no matter how much you trust yourself, you cannot reestablish trust with your spouse on your own. Your spouse has to want this too. As the saying goes: It takes two to tango. It will take cooperation from both of you to get your relationship back on track.

We have an article that offers advice about how to establish this kind of [tag-tec]cooperation[tag-tec]. And most importantly, it does it in a way that can free you from judgment, blame, fear, and shame that you and your spouse may feel toward each other in this situation.

Following the steps in this article can help you start to reestablish the trust has been lost. It will help you figure out what each of you wants from your relationship and what each of you are willing to do to resolve your current relationship troubles. The title of the article is: 5 Keys for Creating Genuine Cooperation in All Your Relationships

You can the process described in this article to come to agreement about what you want to create in your relationship together, and then make specific agreements to work together to create it. Practicing genuine cooperation is the best way we know to build trust in relationship.

Getting Help for the Journey Ahead

If you both agree that you want to work together to resolve these trust issues and improve your relationship, then we suggest you seek the support of someone with relationship counseling skills that you trust. This help can be very important in keeping you on track as make progress regaining the trust you’ve lost in your relationship.

You may be able to find someone with these skills by asking your friends, coworkers, or your spiritual counselors to suggest someone they trust. You may already know someone who is fair, impartial, and has the wisdom to provide the guidance you need. But regardless of how you choose to find them, we strongly suggest that you get this support.

Whatever you choose to do next, we hope you are able to do it with compassion for yourself and for your spouse.

We hope this has helped in some small way. We would enjoy hearing from you if it has.

Committed to supporting your happiness,

Beth and Neill

My Spouse Lied to Me About Using Drugs – Now What?

(The following is Part 1 of our response to a question we received. To the best of our ability we removed all personally identifying information and have made the situation as generic as possible.)

We understand that it has been quite a shock for you to discover your spouse had lied to you about being in recovery. We hope the following suggestions may help you get “unstuck” from the confusion you are experiencing and help you choose what would be best for you to do next.

The first thing we suggest you do in this situation is to practice the following two understandings. But by “understanding” we don’t mean that you will agree with the behavior, give up on what is important to you, or resign yourself to the situation.

We simply hope you will experience some relief by practicing these two understandings. This relief will come partly from an increase in your ability to be compassionate with yourself and your spouse, partly from the clarity you’ll gain from knowing which actions you may want to take next, and partly by helping you restore trust in your relationship.

Understanding Number One – We Do the Best We Can

The first understand we find important to practice in situations like this is: People are always doing the best they can to have what is important to them. Always!

Before you were married, when you asked if your spouse had a drug problem, they gave you an answer they believed would meet most of their needs in the best way possible. There must have been something that was so important to them that they were willing to lie to you to protect it.

We guess they were protecting their relationship with you. They must have been painfully aware that any other answer than “Yes, I am drug free and in recovery”, would probably have resulted in losing their relationship with you. So in their mind they were faced with losing you or lying. And saving the relationship with you was more important than telling the truth.

Unfortunately, it seems that their lie was not very effective in the long run. Now that you’ve discovered it, they seem in danger of losing the relationship anyway. But, again, it was the best your spouse could do to protect what was important to them in that moment.

This same understanding is also true about their use of drugs.

There is some need your spouse is meeting by using drugs that they have not been able to meet in any other way. We predict that they will be unable to stop using drugs until they discover the need that using drugs satisfies, and then figure out another way to satisfy that need without it costing them so much–such as losing relationships with people they love.

From your message it’s obvious you love your spouse. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be in such pain about this discovery. Helping them discover a less costly way to meet ALL their needs may be the most loving thing you could possibly do for them. But your willingness to help your spouse at this point in the relationship relies on the next understanding.

Understanding Number Two – Trust is “In Here”, Not “Out There”

One thing we’ve learned on our journey of personal growth and spiritual development is that how we are moment by moment is governed by what’s going on inside of us, not what’s going on outside of us.

We could feel joyful as we walk on a beautiful beach, during a gorgeous sunset, hand in hand with the one we love. But our joy is not caused by the beach or by the sunset. And it is not caused by the person holding our hand.

Our joy is springs from the fact that each of these things deeply satisfies something that we cherish. If we did not care about the aesthetics of our surroundings or about being in a relationship, this situation would not produce joy in us.

In the same way, the trust we feel is not created by what is going on “out there.” We believe trust actually comes from knowing we have the ability to take care of ourselves: to feel safe and in control of our well-being no matter what is going on in our surroundings. It’s hard to feel trusting if we don’t think we can take care of ourselves.

In this sense, the trust you think you lost in your spouse was actually your loss of trust that you can take care of yourself in your relationship with them. After all, how can you really take care of yourself when you cannot rely on the information they give you?

But I’ve never met a person who claimed that they had never lied. So it’s a safe bet that people have lied to you your whole life, and probably will continue to do so. You probably already know this. And in spite of this, you have done a pretty good job taking care of yourself, even though people sometimes lie to you.

Trust Yourself

In your situation, whether you choose to leave your spouse or not, we suggest that trusting yourself is the first kind of trust you need to establish.

Are you able to take care of yourself? Can you do what it takes to live a happy life even though your spouse has lied to you?

Establishing trust in your ability to take care of yourself is important whether or not you choose to stay with your spouse.

But what if you still want to stay in the relationship and you find that you don’t really have that kind of trust in yourself?  Then you can use this situation as an opportunity to learn better ways of taking care of yourself as you work through these problems.

For support in this process you may find value in our article titled: Lying – Why It Happens and How You Can Regain Trust as you Rebuild Your Relationships

As you improve your ability to trust yourself, you can begin to focus all of your attention on resolving these issues and moving forward in your relationship. Trusting yourself gives you confidence that you will be okay in the process.

In our next blog post we will discuss ways to reestablish trust in your relationship, and how to use a very specific process for creating genuine cooperation as a way to do this.

Until then, we hope this has helped in some small way. Please let us know if it has. And feel free to post a comment below if you would like us to clarify anything we have offered here.

Committed to supporting your happiness,

Beth and Neill

Need Relationship Advice?

If you’re unhappy with any of your relationships, you’re probably placing some of the blame on the other person. At one level, it does make it easier to handle, when we don’t think it is entirely our fault if things are not how we would like them to be. But at the same time we are only prolonging our pain and suffering, because you are in control of your own peace and happiness.. It’s time to stop waiting for the other person to change.

You probably already realize that you cannot change other people, so stop trying. Now this is not to say you can’t request cooperation or negotiate agreements, what we’re saying is you must first begin with yourself. You are in control of creating the healthier, happier relationships you want.

It’s true. Changing relationships that are not going the way you would like them to is actually possible. Sometimes talking about problems helps resolve them, other times more drastic measures are called for. Whatever the problem, you probably already know that ignoring it is not going to help. Here are four steps that you can take to improve your relationships, even if you think you’ve already done all that you can.

One – Discover What Your Values Are

Before you can fix a troubled relationship, you must clearly identify what it is that you value for yourself. Think about exactly what you want to experience in your relationships. Maybe you value peaceful, harmonious relationships, ones that do not involve conflict or fighting. You might want to have more honest and satisfying relationships.

Values are not equivalent to strategies. You cannot establish harmony and peace in a relationship simply by eliminating conflict and fighting. You have to develop a strategy that will lead you to harmony—not just to avoid fighting.

Two – Decide What it is That You Truly Want from Your Relationships

When you are identifying your values and strategies, it’s critical that you focus on the positives of what you DO want, not what you DON’T want. These two things are not one and the same.

If you identify that you do not want your significant other to spend so much time with their friends, and then they decide to work more, this is not solving any of your relationship problems. Instead, identify a value such as connection or intimacy, and then focus your attention on developing strategies that work toward that value.

If you express things in terms of what you DON’T want, this does not clarify what you DO want. Instead of saying things in negative terms, express to your relationship partners what it is that you do want and look forward to from your relationship, and you will be more likely to get those things specifically. Only then will you see the real changes you hoped for.

Three – Take Time to Find Out What the Other Person Wants

So, you have successfully identified what it is that you want in your relationship. Now, it’s time to identify what it is that the other person wants. This is the only way you can truly create a shared vision for the relationship. Identifying what you each want makes it possible for all parties to be satisfied. By taking the initiative, you are demonstrating how much you care about the relationship, opening the other person to the possibility of wanting to make it better, too.

You can help the other person identify what they value in a few different ways. One is to ask them what they want in the relationship. This is not always the most effective method; however, because others may not know what’s most important to them. Another way is to observe their behaviors, and guess what the value that may be driving them to behave in certain ways. Remember, only guess strategy free values. You can use our free value sheet as a guide.

It is very likely that if you ask the other person what they want, they’ll tell you how they want you to change something. As discussed earlier, changing the other person is not the best way to make a relationship better. They just might not realize this yet. You can help get to their underlying values by doing a little digging on your own, and even telling them about the values that you have identified for yourself and how you learned to do that. Mutual satisfaction is the goal, and helping your relationship partner identify what they would like is one step you can take toward better relationship cooperation.

Four – Don’t Be too Hard on Yourself

Any relationship difficulty can leave a person feeling tremendous amounts of pain, self-doubt, or insecurity. Recognize these feelings in yourself, and remember that these uncomfortable feelings can be easily triggered by small things that happen.

When triggering events happen and you react in ways you don’t enjoy, remember to shift your focus of attention to what you are trying to accomplish. Keep in mind that you cannot change the past, and let yourself off the hook a little bit for things you may have done that you regret. Don’t assume that the past will predict the future. The future is the part you have the ability to change.

You need to avoid taking your own feelings personally, too. When you experience self-doubt, guilt, or insecurity, remember that everyone feels these things at some point. Identify the triggers that have you react rather than respond in a situation, and take the necessary steps to recharge yourself and get back to the positive place that you have worked so hard to develop.

It is important to be gentle with yourself during difficult times. Relationships can be very tricky, so give yourself some credit for attempting to make your relationships healthy and happier. Stay aligned with your values, and you will reap the rewards. We guarantee it!

Balancing Your Needs with the Needs of Others

Are you one of those people who constantly put your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? Do other people’s needs always seem to be more important than your own? Though many of us try to put others first, but neglecting to address our own needs is not good for us or those we are trying to serve.

Can you really get ahead in your career, your relationships, or take care of your responsibilities to family and friends if you don’t take care of your own needs?

Impossible!

Be mindful of getting overly caught up in endless busywork and constantly attending to the needs of others. You need to take care of yourself too, which includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you maintain a healthy balance in your life.

If you’ve been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to make some changes that will bring more peace, harmony, and well-being into your life. To do this you must first identify exactly what is most important to you, figure out which of these things may be missing, and then focus your attention on bringing more of that into your life.

Once you move past the constant frenzy of taking care of the needs of others, you will start to find yourself on the path to true happiness.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

When we focus our attention on satisfying our own needs, we cannot help but grow. Living a balanced life allows us to be more creative, more successful, and enjoy a life that is full of what we love. Having all of our needs met makes us much more effective in meeting others’ needs too.

How do you enhance the love in your life?

A friend recently asked us if we knew of a relationship checklist she and her boyfriend could use as a guide for keeping their year-old relationship on track as it continues to develop.

While there are a lot of lists out there that deal with how to determine if you have a relationship in trouble–what you don’t want–we know of very few that focus on activities you can engage in that will help you enhance your relationship–what you do want.

As you may know we are very fond of saying: What you focus your attention on grows.

Since we believe so strongly that this is true, we were happy to come across a Relationship Checklist developed by Nicholas de Castella of the Institute of Heart Intelligence (www.eq.net.au).

We like it because it shows you intimacy building activities that will get you more of what you do want in your love relationship!

Here are the sections that offer relationship advice for enhancing the love in your relationship:

• Have Fun Together
• Maintain Individuality
• Engage Fully
• Spend Time Together
• Speak Your Truth
• Be Vulnerable
• Honor Each Other
• Be Responsible
• Develop Trust
• Enjoy Sex

Each section expands on the topic with some very nice insights and advice.

We found this Relationship Advice Checklist online as a Google Doc.

You can take a look at it here:
http://bit.ly/jMeUh

—-

Please Change

Have you ever wished that your relationship partner was less jealous, more interested, or more encouraging or supportive? Do you find yourself thinking that your relationship would be so much better “if only” your partner would change in some way?

Sometimes it’s difficult to identify the “real” problems in our relationships. We are taught to believe that we can measure how much someone loves us based on what they do and say-and if what they do and say doesn’t match our expectations, then their love doesn’t measure up.

I Would Be Happy If only…

This leads people to “test” their relationships using ideas like, “If they truly loved me, then they would…..talk to me more, spend more time listening, take me (someplace), or buy me (something).” How about, “If they truly loved me, then they would NOT (complain so much, criticize me, interrupt me, walk away, spend so much time on a hobby, etc……”

These “measurements” are not really the best ways to evaluate or prove the quality of your relationships. When we expect people to pass these types of “tests” of our relationships, we are inevitably disappointed.

Why?

They cause us to spend too much time focusing our attention on the negative aspects of the relationship, instead of focusing our attention on what we enjoy about it.

“The surest hindrance of success is to have too high a standard of refinement in our own minds, or too high an opinion of the judgment of the public. He who is determined not to be satisfied with anything short of perfection will never do anything to please himself or others.” ~ Hazlitt

It’s for You to Do

Remember that what you focus your attention on is what grows and becomes reality. So start focusing your attention on what you DO like about your relationship partner, and you will start seeing–and getting–far more of what you DO like and far less of what you DON’T.

When you start focusing your attention on what you DO like it’s almost automatic that you’ll start to give what you want to receive, and you will get more of it back. So, if you want to get more support from your relationship for example, then you must begin by giving more support.

If you want some help putting this powerful practice to work improving your relationships, sign up for The Shocking Truth About Loving eMail eCourse.

Want More Out Of Life?

Do you often wonder how to be more successful, have better relationships, or just get more of what you want out of life? Do you want to be happier and have more peace of mind?

Thinking about these things, wanting them and not knowing how to actually get them can lead to high levels of stress and frustration. That’s the bad news, but don’t worry because there’s also good news. There are things you can do, steps you can take, that will help reduce your stress and lead you toward a much happier more peaceful life.

“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

What Are You Thinking about?

In order to clearly understand what is causing stress in your life, you must begin by listening to yourself closely. Every thought that passes through your mind has an impact. Common thoughts such as, “How will I get this work done?” or “I don’t know how I will pay my bills this month.” or “What if someone I love becomes ill?” leave a mark as they pass through. That mark is evidenced by the stress you feel.

All of these stressful thoughts can be turned around so that you can focus on the positive. Instead of wondering, “How will I get this work done?” you could ask yourself, “How much work can I get accomplished today?” and then decide on a realistic answer. This sets you up to meet expectations, rather than fall short.

Imagine worrying about what would happen if someone you love becomes ill. How would you feel? Now imagine focusing on spending a lot of quality time with the people you love. How would that feel? Most worries are focused on some future event you don’t want to happen or things you wish you could change about the past.

Worry Worry Who’s Got the Worry?

It’s unrealistic to think we’ll stop worrying altogether. But, constantly thinking those “what if” and “I should…” thoughts are truly harmful to your happiness. Worry causes stress, stress causes agitation, and agitation makes you worry more. It’s a downward spiral, and one that has major negative effects on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

Unless you can learn to break the worry cycle,  the discomfort, confusion, disappointment, and pain that are caused by your everyday unexamined thoughts will continue to be your day to day companion and keep you from feeling happy.

While it’s very normal for us to worry–with practice–that same worry cycle could be turned into a productive process. This process can propels us towards positive change and moves us to another level of happiness.

Take a good look at how you interact with the world. Take some time to reflect on how you face problems and tackle them. Does sitting around worrying ever seem to help your situation? Breaking the cycle is critical.

Breaking Free From Worry

Genuine happiness is only around the corner, but developing the skills and techniques to help reframe the negative and worrisome thoughts that detour your happiness is essential. Breaking free from worry and escaping the vicious cycle is possible, if you’re willing to stop, examine, and then revise your “what if” and “if only” thoughts. It’s like breaking any bad habit–it can be done, with a commitment and some practice.

Here you’ll find a three-step plan that can quickly turn things around and lead you toward a more rewarding, peaceful, and happy life:

Notice Feelings

The first step is to notice when you’re feeling uncomfortable in any way. Contrary to what you might think, your thoughts cause your feelings, but often times we think so many things–so quickly–that it’s challenging to notice individual thoughts.

This is why the very first thing to do is to begin noticing when you feel uncomfortable.  At this point your worry becomes a helpful friend. Worry inevitably makes us feel uneasy, this discomfort can be used as a warning bell to stop and discover what you’re thinking in that moment. Managing your worries and making changes can start by simply noticing how you’re feeling.

Flip It – “Don’t Want” into “Do Want”

Worry usually takes the form of what you don’t want. Now it’s time to figure out what you actually do want. When you find yourself thinking “How will I get this work done?” it’s time to discover what you do want at a core level that has you think that thought in the first place. When you examine this thought you might realize that you truly value productivity and what you do want is to be more effective and get things finished in a timely manner.

Now What? Take Action!

Once you’ve identified the essence of what you really want, don’t stop there, it’s now time to take action. Deciding what actions to take is the next step.

You’ve determined that what you do want is to be more effective and get things done in a timely manner. Remember, worrying about what will happen in the future or fear of repeating a past mistake is what keeps you stuck in the worry cycle. Stay in the present moment. And ask yourself; “What can I do in this moment to be more effective?” “What action can I take right now that will move you closer to getting something finished?”

Each and every small step you take moves you closer to what you do want .Once you get moving in this direction, you’ll find that the process takes on a power of its own, gently releasing you from the tight grip of stress and worry and pointing you in the direction of that peace and happiness you long for. Because, when you’re in action there just isn’t that much time to be worried.

Do You Know Any Difficult People?

Is it challenging for you to stay calm and present in the face of critical people–you know those people that have something to say and can’t say it without raising their voice and trying to convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

Would you like to have options other than cringing, heading for the hills, or yelling back to defend yourself? If so, there are two places to look whenever you find yourself reacting in these ways: In Here and Out There.

What’s Going on “In Here?”

The space between your ears is the first place to look whenever you start experiencing discomfort in any situation. It’s where you’ll find the beliefs that are at the root of the problems you think are happening “out there.”

Have you ever seen someone parasurfing–using a small parasail to pull themselves across the waves on their surfboard? Your thoughts are like the parasail in the wind, the wind and surf is what’s going on “out there.”

If you don’t know how to control the parasail, it’s unlikely that you’ll keep your balance, let alone control where you’re headed. And balance is critical if you want to gain control of yourself and the situation when someone is flipping out.

Falling – Then Catching Yourself – Then Falling – Then. . .

Imagine standing on the surfboard, perfectly balanced, with no force being applied to you, the surfboard or the parasail. Very Zen-like, but you’re not going anywhere are you?

The fun starts when the wind catches the parasail and you feel the drag of the water under the board. In that instance you’re falling forward–and unless you regain your balance quickly, you’re headed for a wipe out.

But then the wind shifts, the waves rise and you’re starting to fall again, and then you regain your balance, and then you’re falling, and then. . .

Keeping Your Balance

To maintain your emotional balance in the face of strong criticism, two things are essential. First, you need to recognize the moment that you start feeling discomfort of any sort. Second, you need to have the skills necessary to regain your emotional balance in a split second.

The first part–recognizing the moment you start feeling discomfort–is actually harder than it may sound.

In studies to prevent police violence, when officers were questioned closely, they recognized that there were typically five verbal exchanges that preceded violence.

Yet these highly trained individuals weren’t even conscious of these exchanges until they were probed. Once they recognized this they saw that the violence may have been avoided if any one of these exchanges had been handled a little bit differently.

Like these officers, you have an emotional guidance system that is highly tuned to alert you to the first moment that things are getting out of balance. And your emotions are much like the control lines on the parasail.

It’s by learning to accurately respond to the way you feel–the lines–that you gain control of your thinking–the parasail. This is how you keep your balance and control the direction the situation is heading.

Controlling What’s Happening Out There

Unfortunately, very few of us are trained how to use our emotional guidance system, how it relates to our thinking, or how emotions and thinking control our behavior.

It seems most of us grow up believing that we’re being dragged through life–into and out of one situation after another–helpless to do anything but hang on and hope for the best.

Or even worse: we’ve been misguided about what the control lines are and how to use them to control the parasail. Instead, we’ve learned that being “emotional” is a “bad thing,” “the best defense is a good offence,” “it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and countless other beliefs that teach us to react rather than respond.

This leads us back to the second part–having the skills you need to regain your emotional balance in a split second. This is essentially the same as learning to control the parasail in the wind. It’s learning to consciously choose the beliefs that govern your thoughts, which often requires you to un-learn prior beliefs.

This is the process of developing what we call your Values Intelligence–your ability to know and apply what you value, regardless of your circumstance.

Without these skills–like the police officers we mentioned–it is unlikely you’ll recognize when things are going wrong, or be able to respond soon enough to prevent minor upsets from escalating into serious problems.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can develop your Values Intelligence take a look at our article: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/settling-for-less-than-you-really-want-create-the-life-and-relationships-you-desire-now

And if your ready to do whatever it takes to stop melting down, clamming up, or flipping out, then enroll in The Art of Conscious Connection Online eCourse. It’s specifically designed to give you the In Here skills you need to start gaining more control over the direction of what’s happening Out There.

Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s relationship advice that opposes dating after being widowed or divorced until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:
http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news.

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”

What do you want out of your relationship?

Have you ever wished that your intimate other was less insecure, less jealous, more interested, or more supportive? Do you find yourself thinking that your relationship would be so much better “if only” your partner would make some changes?

Sometimes it’s difficult to identify the “real” problems in our lives. We are taught to believe that we can measure how much someone loves us based on what they do and say-and if what they do and say doesn’t match what we want, then they don’t love us enough.

Do you ever give your significant other the
“If they really loved me” test?

This leads people to “test” their relationships by thinking things like, “If he/she truly loved me, then they would…..talk to me more, spend more time listening, take me (someplace), or buy me (something).” How about, “If he truly loved me, then he would NOT (complain so much, criticize me, interrupt me, walk away, spend so much time on a hobby, etc……”

These are not really the best ways to assess or test the quality of your relationships. When we use these types of “tests” on our relationships, we are inevitably disappointed, because we spend too much time focusing our attention on the negative aspects of the relationship, instead of focusing our attention on what we enjoy about it.

“The surest hindrance of success is to have too high a standard of refinement in our own minds, or too high an opinion of the judgment of the public. He who is determined not to be satisfied with anything short of perfection will never do anything to please himself or others.” ~ Hazlitt

Be The Change

Focus your attention on what you DO like about your relationship partners, and you will get far less of what you DON’T like. Remember that what you focus your attention on is what grows and becomes reality.

When you give what you want to receive, you will immediately get more of it back. If you want more support, caring or respect from a relationship, then you must begin by giving more support, caring or respect.

“Be the change you want to see in the world!”

Are you settling?

Do you notice how often people settle for what they think they can get instead of going for what they really want? How often do you see people plodding along in their jobs, or the same relationship, and it’s obvious they don’t enjoy what they have. And how often do you see people stop short of happiness and settling for things that are barely “good enough?”

There are a couple of reasons we find that people settle for less. Usually it’s either out of fear or because they are disconnected from their values.

When fear is the cause, it can be: fear of failure, fear of loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or the big one: fear being disappointed.

Fear often leaves people cynical and resigned that things could ever be better, and doubtful that they can have what they truly want. But recognizing that you’ve become cynical can be a good thing.

A quote by Benjamin Zander, the author of, The Art of Possibility says it beautifully.
“A cynical person is just a very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again.”

How deeply do you care?

If you think about it, you would have to value things greatly and care very deeply in the first place in order to become cynical. Apathy simply wouldn’t generate the kind of energy that truly cynical people seem to have.

This disconnection from our values and these weeds of fear take root in the garden of our lives at a very young age. They are fertilized by a life of being told how to think, what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and bad, and what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

Before long these weeds start to choke out our hopes and expectations. Were further disconnected from what we value by being rewarded for obeying and punished for disobeying. It is through this process that we learn to settle for less and less.

What is true for you?

Authority figures tell us what is THE TRUTH and we learn to believe what they say – OR ELSE. And somewhere along the line we take these truths on as our own.

We aren’t arguing against the value of cultural wisdom or tradition. We are simply pointing out that there are negative effects when we’re not taught to think critically or to determine for ourselves what is important to us.

Since we aren’t taught how to determine what’s most important to us, we easily become disconnected from an internal sense of our own values. This prevents us from discovering what we value, moment by moment in our daily lives. This makes it hard to cultivate the life and relationships we truly want.

And though we become experts at griping about our situations, we never become skilled at examining our underlying beliefs that keep us in these situations. We never learned to stop and ask, “What is important to me in this situation?” or, “What do I value here and what do I really want?”

We’ll make a rather bold assertion here: the majority of a person’s internal distress comes from being disconnected from their most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that are out of harmony with those values.

What’s the Cost of Disconnection from Your Values?

To see how this might play out, we’re going to use an example that is typical of people we’ve worked with. Pat’s been going to work day after day, week after week, dreading every minute. The only options she sees are either to quit or suffer. You can easily see how settling for this job could leave her feeling frustrated.

But how she feels about her job affects more than just her own sense of well being. How do you imagine she acts with the people at work, and how might it impact the way she is with her family and friends?

Do you imagine her frustration and irritation might cause her to complain about her situation? Has anyone ever complained to you about their dissatisfaction and hopelessness? How did this affect you?

When someone settles for less it affects everyone and not just the person doing the settling.

But what prevents Pat from looking for a solution instead of just plodding along in the same old routine?

As we said before, one reason we end up settling for things we don’t enjoy is fear: Fear of failure, loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or fear of being disappointed. We also implied that Pat’s distress might be caused by her disconnection from her most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that were out of harmony with those values.

If this is true, how might getting clear about her personal values help her break out of this pattern of settling for less and propel her into action to go for what she really wants?

How Might Getting Clear About Your Values Help Your Situation?

Awareness of our personal values gives us an internal landmark or reference point that we can use to guide our actions. With this internal landmark we can guide our actions so they are in harmony with what is most deeply important to us — who we really are. So let’s examine what Pat might value that is missing in her current job situation and generating her complaints.

Well, she might deeply value connection and community, but she doesn’t really know her co-workers very well because no one talks about anything other than work.

She might also value contribution, but she never hears form her boss that her work is contributing to the organization or the people it serves. She may also be missing a sense of creativity and freedom that would contribute to her own growth.

Just by identifying how much she values connection, community, contribution, creativity, freedom, and growth, she has already gained enough clarity to see her job and herself a little differently.

Change your perspective change your life!

This change in perspective provides some distance from her dissatisfaction and shifts her focus of attention from her complaints. And as we say, what you focus your attention on grows.

It’s now possible for her to realize that there are things she values that are just missing at her job. With this clarity she can now come up with ideas about how to experience what she values at her present job.

Were not implying that she will be able to create everything she values in her current situation, but until she knows what she values, and how these values are missing in this unsatisfying situation, she will never know what to ask for to get what she wants.

But identifying what she values is just the first step. In order to make a difference, she needs to translate these values into concrete actions that will result in the experiences she desires.

To create more connection and community, she might organize some weekly activities with her coworkers, such as a discussion group during lunch or regular recreational activities after work.

To meet her need for contribution, she might ask her boss to tell her how her work contributes to the organization and the people it serves. And to meet her need for growth she can also ask for support in identifying new ways that she could contribute more successfully.

To meet her need for creativity, she could ask her boss and coworkers if they were interested in hearing her ideas for the growth of the company.

Taking these actions could also contribute to her sense of freedom.

In short, when she is clear about what she values she can begin to take responsibility for creating the kind of life she wants.

What Would You Gain From Consistent Alignment With Your Personal Values?

Clarity about our deeply held personal values creates the possibility of consistent, internal alignment. With this internal alignment we can then share the vision of what we want with others, and begin the process of creating alignment with them about that vision. We can explore whether they share these same values and are interested in experiencing them more fully.

The process of creating alignment with others about our values and vision makes reaching agreements with them, and achieving results together, happen much more quickly and easily. When you create power with other people in your life this way it opens up the possibility for greater success and satisfaction for everyone.

In our example, Pat has discovered the key that will release her from a future of confusion, complaining, and hopelessness. Now she can begin to have the life and the relationships she truly wants.

So, if you’ve been giving up on what you really want, just remember that what you focus your attention on grows. Once you’re able to focus on what you truly value in any situation, and then come up with actions that create exactly what you want most, it’s all down hill from there.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Would you like to win every argument you ever have?

But, sometimes you hesitate being truthful with others because you fear it will start an argument you just can’t win?

“Avoiding the topic doesn’t help it go away.” ~ Anonymous

How would you feel if you could say what’s on your mind, confidently, even if you’re worried that your listener would disagree?

Here is one simple step that will stop an argument in its tracks…

There are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable saying what needs to be said and preventing an argument at the same time.

Stop thinking about disagreement like it’s an argument waiting to happen.

Once you’re able to interpret disagreement for what it is–a different opinion or strategy–you’ll begin to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for more information.

When people have differing opinions or strategies and they start to feel tense, under the surface they are really only concerned about getting their needs meet. That’s when the tug-of-war begins.

If you spend your time focusing your attention on simply avoiding an argument–or making sure the other person agrees with your opinion or strategy–you will never be able to address the underlying concerns.

Stick with it.

So instead, continue the conversation long enough to identify the underlying needs and values of each person.

If it’s just a matter of opinion, you’ll each understand the other at a much deeper level. If you each prefer a different strategy, work together to come up with mutually satisfying actions you can each take that will create what each of you want.

When you make a commitment to get clear about what everyone wants, you will become far more comfortable speaking your mind, and ultimately this will get you closer to creating a happier and more peaceful life.

The moral of the post… to guarantee that you win every argument you have, make sure no one loses.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Do you avoid confrontation?

Many people do their best to avoid conflict and confrontation at any cost. Do you notice yourself doing this? If so, when you know that a confrontation is possibly coming your way, you probably start to feel a great deal of tension and worry. And after a confrontation, you are left with a huge pile of bad feelings. So it seems to make perfect sense to just try and avoid all situations where conflict is possible.

Not so fast… what if there were ways to change how you handle these situations. What if you could solve conflicts and deal with confrontations in a way that would leave you feeling more comfortable and less upset? If that sounds like more fun to you, read on and discover five keys that will help you unlock your personal conflict management toolbox

It is important that you understand the definition of confrontation before you can learn to effectively manage it. According to the dictionary definition, confrontation is “discord that results from clashing ideas or opinions.” Confrontation is not simply a disagreement, it occurs when the people involved are viewing it as a “clash” that cannot be resolved.

The five keys

The first key–when trying to avoid confrontations–is that you should stop trying to avoid them. This might sound a little crazy at first, but think about it, is it really possible to avoid confrontation altogether? Well maybe if you sat in a cave and never talk to anyone, but then you wouldn’t be reading this article. So if you want to dramatically reduce your anxiety about confrontation use key number one and stop trying to avoid conflict and confrontation.

The second key to successful conflict management is to rethink how you define confrontation. When you begin to understand that what you’re actually trying to avoid is judgment from others, not getting your way, or possibly losing a relationship that you value, then you’ll start to realize it is the outcome that you’re avoiding, not the confrontation itself.

When you constantly see confrontation as something to be avoided, you will remain in a state of fear that will stimulate the “fight or flight” reaction–minimizing your ability to come up with ideas to manage the situation effectively.

Try this definition of confrontation on for size “to bring face to face.” Meeting someone face to face, does not need to be a confrontation. Expecting that you may have a difference of opinion will help you relax and be able to resolve any differences that arise.

Now that you’ve stopped avoiding conflict and redefined it, you can also stop getting defensive, aggressive, or just running for the hills. Start by learning some creative ways to handle confrontation when it comes your way–ones that satisfy everyone involved.

Now for key number three, when you find yourself gearing up to avoid a confrontation, use your uncomfortable feelings as a signal to yourself, a warning of sorts that you need to stop and reflect on the situation. Think about the situation as an explorer would. There is always something worthy of discovery, something that remains untapped and could provide some precious knowledge and experience.

Believe in your ability to explore new things, like handling confrontation creatively. Be an explorer, and you will be thrilled to discover your new strategies and solutions.

Commit yourself to new discoveries-develop a mindset that allows you to think using new patterns and to create results that totally line up with what you value. When everyone involved is satisfied, then you have cooperative relationships and confrontation becomes a non-issue.

The fourth important key is to learn how to focus on values. Focus on everyone’s values, not just yours. Don’t focus on another person’s complaints, but instead try to focus on what their underlying values actually are.

When you are focused on discovering new ways of interacting–when you’re playing the role of explorer and navigate through the conversation–always stay focused on uncovering satisfying solutions. When you are committed to including what’s most important to everyone in your solutions, you will find that your relationships become much more satisfying.

If you let it, any confrontation can be seen as a treasure map–one that can guide you through the sea of discovery, leading you to new experiences. When you are persistent with your exploration of confrontation, you will find that these new discoveries provide you with clarity that helps negotiate any conflict or confrontation in a way that everyone can be satisfied.

The fifth and final key is that whenever someone says or does anything that might normally lead to a confrontation; the reason they said or did it reflects their own missing values in the situation and is not consciously intended to create a conflict.

If you stop and take the time to identify what they value in the situation–what’s important to them that’s missing–they’ll not only appreciate this gesture, but will be more open to hearing what’s important to you.

Sadly, most people are not readily able to identify what they value most. Most of us were not encouraged at a young age to pay attention to what we care about most or what we needed, nor did we expect that other people would care about our needs. Learning how to unlock your new personal conflict management toolbox takes patience and plenty of practice, but it can be accomplished. Stick with it–you really can find satisfying solutions that all parties in a relationship will be happy with.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Whether You Love Them Or Hate Them

This time of year there’s always some kind of family event looming in the near future. These are supposed to be warm, good times, but it doesn’t always seem to turn out that way. Are you often left wondering if it was a good idea to go? Dreading the next “fun” event? Many times family events are just laden with difficulty and stress. Maybe your extended family includes a few difficult-to-be-with characters that keep you from really relaxing and enjoying yourself completely.

What if–this year–you could approach the situation differently and possibly even change the outcome? You might even find that you enjoy these events, maybe even start looking forward to them. How would that be? The following five steps can help you plan and survive this years family get-together.

Decide to make a difference!

You really can make changes in how you personally handle the different situations that come up when you visit family. Imagine how nice it would be to enjoy your family’s company and really relax and have a good time with them. It’s a choice that you can make, one that will improve your own experience, as well as the experience of others around you.

Step #1 – Choose your own experience

This tip refers to creating an intention. You need to decide for yourself how you want your experience to be. If you are clear about what you want, then it is easier to make that happen. Ask yourself the following question, “How could we all benefit from the experience of being together?”

If your answer to the question includes having fun, having peace and harmony, and feeling more connected to each other, then you are on the right track to changing your own experience, and the experience of your other family members. You can make the next family gathering one that is fun and peaceful, and one that even leaves you feeling more connected to your family.

Ways to make these things a reality might include being more playful with each other, and less judgmental. When things start to become difficult during a family gathering, remember what your intentions are, and how you want it to turn out.

Step #2 – Remember this truth, each person is doing the best they can

This particular step is something you might need to continually remind yourself of. It’s hard when Uncle Joe constantly complains about everything, or when your mother picks and criticizes every part of your life. Imagine if these people knew better how to create their own intentions and have more fun and peace. Do you think they would behave differently? They probably don’t like it either. Can you see how their probably doing the best they can with what they know? It is up to you, and how you react, to change the situation.

Instead of getting upset, remind yourself they are doing the best they can. To change your experience it’s essential that you concentrate on creating the outcome that matches your own intentions. While this is more easily said than done, it is possible. How?

Step #3 – Remember to not take things personally

Again, definitely easier said than done, especially when it seems like a personal attack. People say and do ridiculous stuff all the time. But, we’re here tell you that the ridiculous things they say and do–unknowingly–are an attempt to experience what they value and has nothing to do with you, you just end up being in the way.

If your mother is harping on you for not settling down and getting married, she might be worried that if you don’t have a family and the emotional security that accompanies that you won’t be happy. She is probably “Doing the Best that She Can” and saying these things because she really cares about you. But, remember, this is about what’s important to her. Don’t take it personally!

When you hear someone say something that seems like an attack, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to think about why they would say such a thing. Wonder what is going on with the other person, rather than how you end up feeling. Remember, you are creating your own experience.

Step #4 – Understand what they’re asking for

Family get-togethers can be upsetting when people are not sure about what they want and expect from each other. Not being sure about what others want or expect can leave you feeling quite confused and uncomfortable. Often this leads to you trying to defend yourself or your situation, or possibly even to give unwanted advice.

Change these situations by looking for some clarification. If your brother is constantly complaining about not having enough money for his rent, you can clarify whether he is just venting his frustrations, looking for you to help with networking opportunities for new jobs, or asking you to borrow some money. Sometimes asking the other person how you can help, and whether they are hoping you will just listen or actually do them a favor, can really defuse a potentially volatile emotional situation.

Think about the first three steps before you start asking for clarity. Remember your intentions, remember others are doing the best they can, and don’t take things personally. Then, make a guess or offer a solution that works for you. When your brother complains about his finances, you might ask him if he’d like you to ask some business owners you know if there are any viable opportunities. You may be right with your guess about what he wants from you, but even if you are wrong, it can open the door to a more productive conversation about his financial situation, one that leads to a more enjoyable interaction, and, ultimately gets you closer to your own intentions. Either way, this leads to less stress for both of you.

Step #5 – Focus on developing your ability to be grateful

When you focus your attention on something, it tends to grow. When you notice things that are unpleasant, then your pain and suffering will grow. When you focus on things that you enjoy and things that make you happy, then your happiness will grow.

This sounds simple enough, but it does take some work on your part. Plan to enjoy your family, then focus your attention on truly enjoying them. Focus on how delicious the food smells, or the funny stories that your uncle tells that make everyone laugh. These things will help you feel grateful for your family, and grateful that everyone takes the time to get together and stay connected.

If you follow these five steps, you will quickly learn that family gatherings can be fun and peaceful, and might even leave you thinking you are glad that you went.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season filled with love, peace and happiness,
Beth and Neill