If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

Whether You Love Them Or Hate Them

This time of year there’s always some kind of family event looming in the near future. These are supposed to be warm, good times, but it doesn’t always seem to turn out that way. Are you often left wondering if it was a good idea to go? Dreading the next “fun” event? Many times family events are just laden with difficulty and stress. Maybe your extended family includes a few difficult-to-be-with characters that keep you from really relaxing and enjoying yourself completely.

What if–this year–you could approach the situation differently and possibly even change the outcome? You might even find that you enjoy these events, maybe even start looking forward to them. How would that be? The following five steps can help you plan and survive this years family get-together.

Decide to make a difference!

You really can make changes in how you personally handle the different situations that come up when you visit family. Imagine how nice it would be to enjoy your family’s company and really relax and have a good time with them. It’s a choice that you can make, one that will improve your own experience, as well as the experience of others around you.

Step #1 - Choose your own experience

This tip refers to creating an intention. You need to decide for yourself how you want your experience to be. If you are clear about what you want, then it is easier to make that happen. Ask yourself the following question, “How could we all benefit from the experience of being together?”

If your answer to the question includes having fun, having peace and harmony, and feeling more connected to each other, then you are on the right track to changing your own experience, and the experience of your other family members. You can make the next family gathering one that is fun and peaceful, and one that even leaves you feeling more connected to your family.

Ways to make these things a reality might include being more playful with each other, and less judgmental. When things start to become difficult during a family gathering, remember what your intentions are, and how you want it to turn out.

Step #2 - Remember this truth, each person is doing the best they can

This particular step is something you might need to continually remind yourself of. It’s hard when Uncle Joe constantly complains about everything, or when your mother picks and criticizes every part of your life. Imagine if these people knew better how to create their own intentions and have more fun and peace. Do you think they would behave differently? They probably don’t like it either. Can you see how their probably doing the best they can with what they know? It is up to you, and how you react, to change the situation.

Instead of getting upset, remind yourself they are doing the best they can. To change your experience it’s essential that you concentrate on creating the outcome that matches your own intentions. While this is more easily said than done, it is possible. How?

Step #3 - Remember to not take things personally

Again, definitely easier said than done, especially when it seems like a personal attack. People say and do ridiculous stuff all the time. But, we’re here tell you that the ridiculous things they say and do–unknowingly–are an attempt to experience what they value and has nothing to do with you, you just end up being in the way.

If your mother is harping on you for not settling down and getting married, she might be worried that if you don’t have a family and the emotional security that accompanies that you won’t be happy. She is probably “Doing the Best that She Can” and saying these things because she really cares about you. But, remember, this is about what’s important to her. Don’t take it personally!

When you hear someone say something that seems like an attack, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to think about why they would say such a thing. Wonder what is going on with the other person, rather than how you end up feeling. Remember, you are creating your own experience.

Step #4 - Understand what they’re asking for

Family get-togethers can be upsetting when people are not sure about what they want and expect from each other. Not being sure about what others want or expect can leave you feeling quite confused and uncomfortable. Often this leads to you trying to defend yourself or your situation, or possibly even to give unwanted advice.

Change these situations by looking for some clarification. If your brother is constantly complaining about not having enough money for his rent, you can clarify whether he is just venting his frustrations, looking for you to help with networking opportunities for new jobs, or asking you to borrow some money. Sometimes asking the other person how you can help, and whether they are hoping you will just listen or actually do them a favor, can really defuse a potentially volatile emotional situation.

Think about the first three steps before you start asking for clarity. Remember your intentions, remember others are doing the best they can, and don’t take things personally. Then, make a guess or offer a solution that works for you. When your brother complains about his finances, you might ask him if he’d like you to ask some business owners you know if there are any viable opportunities. You may be right with your guess about what he wants from you, but even if you are wrong, it can open the door to a more productive conversation about his financial situation, one that leads to a more enjoyable interaction, and, ultimately gets you closer to your own intentions. Either way, this leads to less stress for both of you.

Step #5 - Focus on developing your ability to be grateful

When you focus your attention on something, it tends to grow. When you notice things that are unpleasant, then your pain and suffering will grow. When you focus on things that you enjoy and things that make you happy, then your happiness will grow.

This sounds simple enough, but it does take some work on your part. Plan to enjoy your family, then focus your attention on truly enjoying them. Focus on how delicious the food smells, or the funny stories that your uncle tells that make everyone laugh. These things will help you feel grateful for your family, and grateful that everyone takes the time to get together and stay connected.

If you follow these five steps, you will quickly learn that family gatherings can be fun and peaceful, and might even leave you thinking you are glad that you went.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season filled with love, peace and happiness,
Beth and Neill

Tags: dealing with family during the holidays, dealing with family problems, family dedication problems, family problems

How Do You Deal?

Do you end up dealing with difficult people on a regular basis? If so, are there times when you want to just run in hide, or click your heels and make them disappear? Or are you the kind of person that gets angry and combative right back at them? Either way, these situations can be very stressful. But don’t worry…

The good news is that there are ways to deal with these people that are much less stressful and you’ll also end up feeling much more satisfied with the outcome.

Believe it or not, some people don’t let these kinds of situations bother them. They simply stay calm and stress-free when confronted with upset and anger. Wouldn’t it be nice to know what they know? Well now you can! Here are a few simple tips that will help you breathe a sigh of leave the next time you end up dealing with an angry person.

Often times when we realize someone is upset the first thing we do is take personal responsibility. We believe that the only reason they’d be disturb–and letting us about it–is that it must be about us. The first thing to understand is that when managing these kinds of situations is that it’s not about you, it’s really all about them!

I can guess what you’re probably thinking: “What you mean don’t take it personally, when there are someone screaming at me and telling me it’s my fault!”

I understand how difficult this will be at first, but when you begin to appreciate this one point, it becomes much easier to avoid taking these things personally: Every statement you hear someone say comes from a deep and inherent desire to satisfy their needs or to support something they value. And you most likely do the same thing - its normal human behavior.

Unquestionably Everything stems from either Needs and Values.

As an example, someone who is upset may just have a need for consideration, or they might in reality value dependability. By getting upset, they are attempting to satisfy these needs or honor what they value.

Let’s say that an angry man has a conversation with Gandhi (while he was alive). And he said to Gandhi, “You’ve never had a difficult life so don’t pretend to you know what suffering is. People wait on you hand and foot! You’re such a phony!”

Can you imagine Gandhi responding to this as some people would– defensively, with anger and critical words? “What do you mean phony? Try doing what I do every day… you wouldn’t last a minute. You an ignorant little man– you probably don’t even work for a living!”

Now I’m sure you can imagine where this conversation would end up!

It’s almost impossible to think of Gandhi reacting this way, but why not ? What does he know that most of us don’t?

Gandhi knows that the man upset stems from his own challenging life and is just venting about his own pain. The man is angry because his needs have not been satisfied, and things in his life are out of harmony with his values.

So, from now on, when confronted with difficult people, try to remind yourself that absolutely everything people say or do is an effort to meet their needs or support something they value.

The next you’ll are in one of these uncomfortable situation–STOP–don’t justifying yourself, instead start by reminding yourself that their anger isn’t about you, it’s about them and their situation.

Don’t take it to personally.

Consider this: Do you want your happiness to be dependent upon others, or do you long for the kind of happiness that you have complete control over? Take charge of the situation by aligning your values with the actions you take.

Another great way to stay calm when dealing with others’ who are upset or angry is to be curiosity. Ask questions such as, “Hmm, they seems very tense and upset. I wonder what’s going on in their life that has them feel this way.”

Stop and take a if you minutes to empathize with their circumstances and think, “If I behaved the way they’re behaving toward me, what could possibly be going on in my life?” Then guess what it could be.

Changing your focus of attention in this way can truly set you free. You’ll stop acting or feeling defensive. This focus will lead you to a much more peaceful place and will help you to fill your life with happiness, and a multitude of satisfying relationships you’ll truly enjoy.

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.”
~ Albert Einstein

Let’s review: - Tension and defensiveness isn’t the only way to deal with difficult people. - everything people say or do is in support of something they value or to meet some need. - Their upset is not about you, don’t take it personally. Take on the attitude of being curious. - Your happiness is not dependent on how others act or what they say.

When dealing with difficult people, this approach will help you open the door to a renewed sense of happiness and freedom you will no longer be restricted by your circumstances. You get to choose how you respond and what actions you will take.

If you want to start interacting differently with people who are upset, you must first practice the essential skills that create a more peaceful, happy life. If you’re ready to create that kind of life now, sign up for our thought-provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series. The sign-up form is at the top right hand side of your screen. Don’t wait, sign up today. You’ll be happy you did.

With love and great appreciation,
Beth

Tags: angry person, dealing with anger, how to deal with difficult people, how to handle difficult people, relationship, relationships, tips for dealing with difficult people, tips on dealing with difficult people

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 7. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 7: Celebrate and Renegotiate.

Okay, so far you have:
• Created a Safe Space for your Open Dialogue
• Commit to the Discovery Process
• Create a Mutual Intention
• Each started asking For What You Want
• Made agreements about who’s willing to do what and when

Now what you need to know is that either what you’ve agreed to will happen or it won’t.

This is just the truth of making agreements. The typical tendency is to get upset when an agreement isn’t kept. We have a different much more satisfying option.

We suggest, each time someone keeps an agreement, that everyone immediately acknowledge and celebrate this wonderful contribution to your relationship.

However, when some agreements aren’t kept–and some agreements are bound not to be kept–this is also cause for celebration, not the wringing of hands.

Why? Because all it means is that you weren’t as clear as you needed to be to make a successful agreement and all there is to do is renegotiate.

Don’t take it as a personal affront, all it means is that something was missing from the original agreement. Find out what prevented the agreement from being kept. After you figure out what was missing, go back to your intention and use what you’ve discovered to renegotiate the strategies and make new agreements.

Rebuilding the intimacy in your relationship needn’t be difficult. All it takes is that both parties are willing, you have resources that support you, and a mutual intention to guide you forward.

With these pieces of the foundation in place, your success in building a happy, healthy relationship, filled with love and intimacy is guaranteed.

With great love and appreciation,
Beth and Neill

Tags: healthy relationship, intention, intimacy building activities, little known ways, mutual relationship, open dialogue, partnership, seven steps, true intimacy

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 6. Make sure you don’t miss the final important step that we’ll post tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 6: Appreciation

Any time is a good time to express appreciation for what you enjoy about your relationship. But at this point–more than ever–identifying what you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation for that is very supportive. And as you move forward it helps to have a foundation of appreciation to build on.

We suggest you make a list and then express your appreciation to your partner. You’re with this person because there are things about them that you like. Things that were done that you’ve enjoyed.

This may be a bit challenging if you’re in the middle of a relationship crisis, but don’t worry… If you’re having a hard time coming up with things to appreciate, remember back to the beginning of your relationship or use the values exercised to stimulate the memories of past expressions of love.

As we said in part one, you must still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of reading this far.

Read Part 7 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: intention, intimacy building activities, mutual relationship, partnership, seven steps, true intimacy

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Negotiate, Don’t Compromise

Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy relationship. We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.

In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.

This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the belief that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.

Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.

We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual intention and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your relationship. Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the intention for both of you.

Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.

Read Part 6 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: intention, intimacy building activities, mutual relationship, partnership, true intimacy

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Part 1

Step 4: Ask For What You Want.

Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.

You see, for one person caring might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like caring at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them caring might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.

For your relationship to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual intention for your relationship that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that intention for each of you.

Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their preferences.

We suggest you dig into your relationship intention so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.

To figure this out we find it helps to ask:

What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my relationship and elsewhere in my life?

Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.

Read Part 5 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: caring, Happiness, intention, intimacy, preferences, relationship

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 3. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next four days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Part 1

Step 3: Create a Mutual Intention

Please understand that the same things that support a relationship to grow, evolve, and thrive are also what bring deep intimacy back into play. Without trust, and the understanding of what is deeply satisfying for both of you, your relationship can only continue on the same painful path that is already preventing true intimacy from being a part of your partnership.

We suggest you create this support by forming a mutual intention for your relationship. This means you come up with a clear, concise statement for what you both want to create in your relationship.

We find it helpful to use the words you came up with during the discovery process–in part two–that describe what you value in a relationship.

Using these words your intention might sound something like:

We want to create a relationship of freedom, inspiration, and caring where both of us experience fun, support, and true intimacy.

Work together and create your mutual relationship intention today, you’ll be amazed what a difference it makes.

Read Part 4 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: intention, intimacy building activities, mutual relationship, partnership, true intimacy

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing mind games or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest communication can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy relationship.

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal relationship–one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it caring, fun, and predictability, or is it freedom, inspiration, and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: happy relationship, honest communication, inspiration, intimacy, mind games

Relationship Issues?

Do you ever find yourself worrying about your relationship–wondering if you’re even on the same page anymore? Are you mostly concerned about how to rebuild the intimacy you once had?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t give up now, there is hope. It’s likely you still believe your relationship is worth some effort or you wouldn’t even be reading this article.

Read on and discover seven simple ways you can rebuild the relationship intimacy you once had. Learn how to heal old wounds so you can walk forward hand-in-hand with renewed hope for your future together.

Seven Steps that Rebuild Intimacy - A Seven Part Series

Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next six days.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space for Open Dialogue.

Many experts will tell you simply to let your partner know how you feel, what you want, and how you want things to be. Then somehow, if you just get honest enough, everything will start to get better.

While we agree that honesty is the best policy, we also believe that how and where you begin this conversation makes a huge difference in the outcome.

We suggest that you start by creating a space for open dialogue–one with some communication guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by exploring whether there’s anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.

We’ve found people are often worried about judgment, criticism and bringing up past wounds. Spend some time discovering anything else that might cause either of you discomfort about having this dialogue. Then come up with some guidelines that will create a safe space for both of you. Try these for starters:

• Agree that you’ll refrain from judging or criticizing your partner–or yourself.
• Agree that you’ll refrain from analyzing past events to determine who was right and who was wrong.

Add any other guidelines to your list that you believe will help you create a safe space for open, honest communication.

Read Part 2 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

Tags: Communication, communication guidelines, honesty is the best policy, open dialogue, relationship, relationship intimacy, relationship issues

Have you ever wondered how to keep those pesky issues from your past relationships from cropping up like weeds in your present relationship? Does it seem that no matter how hard you try, the same old patterns keep replaying like a stuck record?

It’s an old saying, “No matter where you go, there you are.” But, unless you take specific steps to avoid it, it’s just as true that, “No matter where you’ve been, there you go!”

What do we mean by this?

Simply put, people don’t take responsibility for consciously creating a future that draws them to it. More often than not, they take what’s happened in the past and expect that this is most likely what’s going to happen to them in the future. Then they live into that prediction.

We can guarantee that you’re doing this if you’ve ever asked yourself some version of these two questions:

Why does the same thing keep happening to me over and over again?

Why don’t I learn from my mistakes?

Past, Present and Future

Without getting into a quantum physics argument, time in the physical realm flows from the past, to the present, and then into the future. But since we human beings have a memory–and are so very, very good at creating meaning–we form opinions about what’s happened to us in the past and apply these opinions to what’s happening to us now as a way to predict our future.

The future tends to be this big, scary, black hole of the unknown, and we don’t like the unknown very much. This leads to the obsession with predicting the future we humans have always had.

In our human perception of time there is our memory of our past, our experience of the present–which is colored by our experiences in the past–and then there is this big blank space called our future. And since we don’t like these big blank spaces we tend to fill our future with predictions that we base on our past experiences.

So instead of past, present, future, our timeline looks more like: past, present, past. In other words, we put our past in our future and then live into that.

Starts to make sense why history repeats itself, doesn’t it?

Predictability = Safety — T’aint Necessarily So

It’s obvious people want to predict the future because they believe this will create greater safety or security. The problem with this is that our prophecies tend to be both: 1) of the worst possible scenario, and 2) self-fulfilling.

This is not a good combination. Whenever you predict a future based on your unpleasant experiences in the past, you are very likely to fulfill on your prophecy of an unpleasant future.

So how do you get your past out of your future?

The first thing is to believe that your future is entirely unpredictable and then make a commitment to stop using your past experiences to predict it. It’s okay to use your past to inform your future, but not to predict it.

Now granted, this is much easier said than done because you can’t ever stop doing anything, you can only start doing something else.

We suggest you start getting very clear about what values you weren’t experiencing in your past by exploring these “recurring” past experiences that you don’t enjoy. Once you identify what you value that is missing for you in these experiences , you can then put all of your attention on ways to get more of this in your future.

Using the information about what you value most in life is how you use your past to inform your future. But first you have to believe that–since your future is unpredictable–it is possible for you to have what you value in the future. We find many people don’t believe this.

The trick here is to make very concrete plans for how you can experience more of what you value in the future, and then take whatever actions you need to in order to have those plans happen.

We can’t guarantee that you will get what you want, because the future is unpredictable!

But, since what you focus your attention on grows–and since you’re focusing your attention on what you value and on specific plans to get it–we’re confident that you’re much more likely to get it than if you keep filling up your future with your past.

With a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

Tags: commitment, question, relationship problems, responsibility, success

Have you ever wanted to have an important conversation with someone but were worried that it wouldn’t go well? When we say important conversations we mean crucial ones–the kind that if they don’t go well would have a major negative impact. If you’ve ever felt tense about having one of these talks, you’re not alone. Most people feel nervous about having this kind of crucial conversation.

Sadly enough, communicating effectively isn’t a skill that’s taught in most schools and often isn’t learned at home. Sad because this is an essential skill for enjoying a satisfying life.

Help Has Arrived

We’ve developed the following checklist to support you in having successful conversations in all areas of your life, regardless of the situation. So before your next crucial conversation, go down the list and do your best to pay attention to each and every item. If you do, we’re confident that you’ll be much more satisfied with the outcome.

___ Intention
Whether you’re aware of it or not you always have an intention, whether it’s a conscious intention or an unconscious intention. Your intention can be sensed by the people you’re interacting with, and it creates the foundation of your conversation.

Prior to any important talk, create a clear, value-based intention for the conversation. Then, before you say a word to the other person, remind yourself to stay focused on your intention. This value based foundation will help you build the kind of connection that will produce satisfying results for everyone concerned.

___ Underlying Concerns
Check to see if you have any underlying concerns about having this conversation. You may want to have a conversation about the family budget or how much quality time you spend together. But you may have an underlying fear that the other person isn’t willing to discuss this issue with you in the first place.

Know that “any unexpressed fear is often interpreted as aggression.” So start by expressing any underlying concern and quickly let the other person know what, if anything, you would like from them about this. In our example, you may want to get a green light from the other person about their willingness to have the discussion.

___ Get on the Same Page
As the first part of the conversation, make sure you get on the same page about what may have happened in the past or offer a concise description of the present circumstances. It’s essential just to speak about what’s going on in terms of specific events. Absolutely no judging or labeling.

___ Economy of Words
in an important conversation, more words are not better. An economy of words is essential for creating understanding and clarity.

___ Intention Again
Next, if it fits in the conversation, let the other person know what you would like to create in the this conversation and in your relationship with them: verbalize your intention.

___Get Their Point of View
Find out what’s important to them in the situation. What outcomes might they want, and how could you support them in creating their intention for the situation? In this step it’s critical that you do not attempt to interject your point of view or analyze what they want.

___Negotiation
Now you’re ready to come up with strategies that will help both of you get what you want in the situation. Work together and brainstorm ideas. Before you agree on any strategies, make sure that your ideas don’t leave anything out for either of you.

___Agreements
This is the point where you decide who will take the actions necessary to move ahead with the strategies you’ve come up with. These assignments need to be satisfying to both of you. And you also need to agree about who will take which of the actions, and when they will be completed.

___Accountability
Following-up on your agreements is critical. Set the date for your next meeting to see how everything is going. Don’t wait until things are going badly to check-in. At this accountability meeting see if anything is missing for either of you or if you’d like to make any adjustments in the agreements you’ve made.

One last thing, after every conversation, check in with yourself. Did you enjoy the way the conversation went? If you did, it’s time to celebrate! If not, it’s a great time to identify what was missing for you.

Review your conversation using this checklist. What points on the checklist were missed? Which ones could you have spent more time on?

Remember communication isn’t a science it’s an art. So practice, practice, practice!

With much love and a commitment to your success,
Beth and Neill

Tags: Accountability, checklist, Communication, conscious intention, conversation with someone, conversations, negative impact, relationship, understanding

Here’s an article we we thought you’d enjoy. As she says in the article: For something completely different, she thought she  would offer readers some surefire ways to effectively ruin their relationships.

Sometimes in areas of our life that are especially complicated–relationships are definitely on the top of that list–it’s easier to start with what not to do. Once you understand this you can more smoothly move ahead and start choosing the best / most effective ways to create the kinds of relationships you really do want.

4 Surefire Ways to Ruin a Relationship - For years I have been speaking and writing about how our communication can greatly enhance our relationships and life experiences, this time let’s try something a little different …

Check out this relationship article and let us know what you think.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

Tags: Relationship Advice, relationships

Are there relationships in your life that aren’t going the way you want them to? Are you trying your best but things don’t seem to change? If so… Relationship intelligence includes knowing exactly what you want, and then knowing how to create a conscious intention that will help you get it.

Do Intentions Really Affect Your Relationships?

The short answer is yes! Intentions are a simple yet powerful tool that you can use to set your desires in motion.

You might want a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with one of your parents. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Perhaps you crave a more supportive relationship with your boss; or maybe, after work, you want more fun and connection with friends. You can create an intention for any relationship that you would like to improve.

But What Are Conscious Intentions?

Whether or not you are aware of it, you have an intention every time you interact with someone. Even an unconscious intention can be sensed by others, and if they sense that you are dissatisfied with the relationship, they will often take this personally and interpret whatever you do as criticism.

Unfortunately, when this happens it creates more problems, the opposite of what you actually want–a better relationship.

If you’re dissatisfied with any relationship in your life, we suggest that–before you spend another moment with that person–you create a conscious intention for your relationship.

Relationship Intelligence Starts with You

Decide what qualities you want in the relationship, and then use these qualities to create your conscious intention. Use positive language to word your intention.

Here are some examples: “I intend to have more fun and adventure with my spouse,” or “I intend to create a relationship based on connecting and having fun with my sister.”

Don’t write an intention about what you don’t want, or use negative or pessimistic language. Avoid sentences like, “I don’t want my mother to nag me anymore.”

Notice that conscious intentions are expressed as values, or qualities of life. Since what you focus your attention on grows, if you spend a few minutes every day reading your intentions out loud, they are more likely to happen.

Do Intentions Really Work?

Try them out and see! Pick a few relationships in your life where you would like to see improvement. Then write down the qualities you want to experience with that person. Begin with the words, “I intend….” Make sure you express what you want in positive language.

Every day, take a few minutes to read your intentions out loud, and then notice how your relationships begin to change for the better.

As we so often say… the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

With love,
Beth and Neill

Tags: conscious intention, happy life, harmonious relationship, relationship, relationships, supportive relationship

Difficult Conversations About Tough Issues

With everything that is going on these days–the elections fast approaching, economic worries, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan having no end in sight–you’re bound to have a lot on your mind. Are there times you’d like to talk to someone, but feel worried about bringing these topics up for fear it will end up as a debate or even an outright argument?

This fear is the result of the Us Against Them mindset that is so prevalent in our culture. Whenever we disagree with someone, this mindset leads us headlong into intense debates or arguments in order to determine who is right and who is wrong about the issue.

Creating a WE Mindset

In order to create relationships from a new perspective–what we call the We mindset–it’s critical that we start by establishing a sense of alignment.

The process of creating alignment begins by getting clear about what’s important to everyone involved–what you each value. To figure this out you can start by asking: “How do we want to treat each other during the conversation about the issue?” and then, “How can we discover what we each value, rather than just debating our opinions?”

So instead of beginning a conversation by arguing the issue–such as whether or not we need more or fewer troops in Iraq–you try to discover what values are represented by these opinions. People with either of these opinions may each value safety, support, or perhaps predictability.

Discovering Alignment in Underlying Values

That’s the interesting thing about creating alignment. When you get under people’s opinions and get to their values, you’ll find that these are often the same. And that makes it much easier to get on the same page.

Creating this initial alignment is how you start co-creating a context for discussions where everyone’s ideas are heard and valued–where the point is to exchange ideas and gain clarity, rather than prove whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong.

Beginning any important conversation by creating alignment paves the way for far greater satisfaction for everyone involved, and allows for the possibility of being heard and understood about what’s really important to you.

“I now see that the major shift in human evolution is from behaving like an animal struggling to survive to behaving like an animal choosing to evolve. … And to evolve, we need a new kind of thinking and a new kind of behavior, a new ethic and a new morality. It will be that of the evolution of everyone rather than the survival of the fittest.”
~Jonas Salk Quote

Alignment is crucial if you want to enjoy the benefits of the We mindset in your relationships.

Two Questions that Ease Communication

So, before you have any important conversation, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “How would I like this conversation to go?” and, “How can we get to what we value rather than just debating our opinions?” This internal clarity will help get you focused on the We mindset prior to starting the conversation.

Then, start the conversation by letting the other person know you would like to hear what’s important to them about the topic, and let them know you’d also like to he heard and understood about what’s going on for you. Ask if that kind of conversation would be enjoyable for them as well.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To learn more about creating alignment and how to have a life filled with joy and satisfaction, visit:
The Art of Conscious Connection

Tags: alignment, Communication, conscious choice, conversation, difficult conversations, fear, relationships, safety support

When Does 50 Plus 50 Still Equal 50?

You’ve probably heard it said that for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50?

Well, it’s a myth that happiness and satisfaction can only come from a 50/50 relationships-where each person contribute equally-doing their 50% to make the relationship work.

You can spot people who believe this myth in all kinds of relationships: between friends, romantic partners, family members and business colleagues. Belief in this myth is a major reason why people find themselves dissatisfied and frustrated about their relationships.

Why? Because if we expect the other person to do their 50% and they don’t do it, we become disappointed and upset. As soon as one person starts keeping score to make sure the other person is doing their 50%, it becomes very difficult to have a relationship that’s happy and satisfying.

We suggest that you stop spending your time making sure the other person is completing their 50% and instead, start being 100% responsible for your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

We know this is a radical idea, but when we pass on the responsibility for our satisfaction and control of our feelings to anyone or anything “out there”, we limit our power and the possibilities for our happiness. We may want to be happy, but we’ve put our happiness in the hands of other people.

Be 100% Responsible

Being 100% responsible means you never give up, and never give in on anything that is important to you. If something is missing in your relationship, what can you do to make sure you get it? If something’s happening in your relationship you don’t like, what can you do to change how it’s happening?

Don’t ever leave your ability to have a satisfying relationship in anyone else’s hands. If a healthy, happy relationship is what you’re looking for, start creating 100% relationships with yourself and others today.
How do you start? By noticing if you pay more attention to whether the other person is doing their 50%. If you do, stop and identify what’s happening that you’re not enjoying, what it is that you do want to happen, and figure out one thing you can do to get what you want.

Tags: family members, Happiness, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, possibilities, radical idea, relationship work, relationships, romantic partners, satisfaction

Do You Play the Blame Game?

Do you ever hear yourself say things like: “They were so rude”, “He is so selfish”, or “She’s such a control freak.” What about when you’re driving and some one cuts you off… is “What an idiot, jerk, lousy driver” the first thing out of your month? If any of this sounds familiar then you’re playing a game that no one ever wins. It’s called “The Blame Game”.

When you focus on negative labels about what people “are” (demanding, controlling, manipulative) it’s certain that no one will end up happy or satisfied with the interaction. And what makes these situations even worse is that focusing on what people “are” prevents you from taking control because you’re giving way all of your personal power.

When you label people you place the full responsibility for improving matters on them. If you believe that you’re unhappy because they “are” selfish or unreasonable then your problems cannot be resolved until they change their ways. This blame game prevents you from overcoming your hurt feelings and can lead to serious relationship problems.

But you can take back responsibility for your own happiness. The first step in reclaiming control is to release the idea that other people are causing your emotional pain. When you realize that it’s your thinking about people using negative labels that is causing you to feel bad you’ve taken your first step forward.

Letting go of these negative labels allows you to focus on what you “do want” in each situation. You can then ask yourself what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved.

When you know what you want you can begin looking at these situations as opportunities to explore ways of meeting everyone’s needs and re-establishing or creating a healthy relationship with others and yourself.

Try This Tomorrow

Any time you hear yourself blaming someone or complaining about circumstances in your life, figure out what is needed to create an outcome that would satisfy everyone involved and then identify at least one action you can take or a request you can make that will improve your situation.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until tomorrow…
Beth and Neill

Tags: blame game, control freak, emotional pain, Happiness, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, negative labels, relationship disaster, relationship problems, relationships, serious relationship

What’s your perception?

Are you sure it’s a “dog-eat-dog” world and you better “look out for number one” at all costs? What if everyone could get what they want at no one else’s expense? What would the world be like then?

In most modern culture, competition is encouraged as the best way to get ahead. We’re taught early on that “winning” brings success, while “losing” is a mark of disgrace. But the dilemma is, if one person is winning, then someone else is guaranteed to be losing.

Competition results from the belief that there’s not enough to go around–if others get what they want, I can’t get what I want. While the idea of competition is so deep-seated that it appears to be the that we breathe, luckily that’s not true. We have the choice to behave creatively. In contrast to competition, a creative perspective is based on thinking strategically with the goal of finding options that everyone can be happy with.

“