(We had the opportunity to do a guest article for the PuddleDancer Press, Nonviolent Communication site and we wanted to share it here with our community too. You can read the first bit here and the rest there… :~)

It’s That New Year’s Resolution Time Again

In January it’s traditional to make New Year’s resolutions. You plan to go to the gym, get into great physical shape, earn more money, improve a troubled relationship, or get along better with your family members.

But you suspect that in a few days or weeks you’ll get tired of making the effort and your good intentions will disappear. Would you like to improve your chances of making your resolutions stick?

Maybe you worry about how much effort and work is involved, or you think it isn’t possible to have these things. Just like last year, you’ll slip back into your old patterns. Well, there is a fun and easy way to begin to create your ideal life with little effort on your part. It starts by creating an intention.

What is intention?

Intention means knowing what you want and directing your actions toward that outcome. You might want your life to be more peaceful and harmonious. Or you might crave adventure and discovery. You can make intentions for your life as a whole, and also for any situation, relationship, or time period. Maybe you want to create more connection and trust with someone you love. Or maybe, during meetings at work, you want more support and effectiveness.

Why Create Intentions?

Creating intentions takes only a few minutes out of a day, yet it is a powerful tool you can use to set your resolutions in motion…
Keep reading this article at NonviolentCommunication.com >>

Are there people in your life who drive you crazy?

Do you ever have trouble enjoying the time you spend with certain people–even though you may like or even love them? Are there people in your life who you only spend time with when it’s unavoidable?

Everyone we know has certain people in their lives who drive them a little nuts. Often this prevents them from initiating contact, even if these people are family or long time friends.

So what do you do then?

If you’ve ever asked yourself this question then you may want to try a practice we’ve developed that makes spending time with these people a little more enjoyable. The first part of the practice is to remember that everyone is always doing the best that they possibly can.

They’re doing the best they can?

This may sound a little simplistic or even a bit ridiculous, but this practice really does have the power to radically affect your ability to enjoy yourself with these people. And they don’t need to change a bit for this to happen.

However, embracing this practice is much easier said than done. Whether you have a parent who seems to show constant disapproval, a coworker that never stops talking, a cousin who continuously whines about everything that’s wrong in their life, or whoever it is that does whatever they do — the truth is they REALLY are doing the best they can.

How can we know this is true? Well, think about it for a moment. If they are driving you crazy; do you think other people love this behavior? If you are hesitant to be around them; do you think others are eager to be with them? Do they seem genuinely happy while they’re doing whatever it is that bugs you? Does their behavior seem fun for them or effective at helping them get what they truly want? We tend to doubt it.

So if they knew a better way to relate to people — one that they enjoyed more, that they recognized others enjoyed more, and that was more effective at meeting whatever needs motivate their behavior — don’t you think they’d do it that way instead?

They are just trying (unsuccessfully) to be happier.

The first part of the practice we suggest is to see that everything they do is the result of trying to get their needs met or to experience something they value. The problem is that: 1) they just haven’t learned how to get to the core of what is most important to them, and 2) they haven’t yet learned how to behave in ways that help them get what they want.

So, the next time you are with your cousin and he starts complaining and whining about all the problems in his life, first remember he’s doing the best he can. Then, if you want to go a little deeper and have even more fun, you can start applying the second part of the practice, which is playing the Values Guessing Game.

How do you play?

The game is played like this. You start by asking yourself:
“If I was acting like this what would I value that I either want to receive or to contribute in this moment?” Then guess.

Here are a couple of examples.

If your cousin is complaining about his woes in life, and then you ask yourself why you have ever complained to anyone else about anything, you might guess something like, “It sounds like you’d like a little understanding for how hard a time you’re having with this?” Or, “I guess it would be a relief to know that someone cared about how you’re doing these days?” Or maybe, “I wonder if you’d like some support about how to take care of that problem?”

You see, he would probably value the relief he’d get from some understanding, caring, and support. This isn’t mind reading; it’s a guessing game that you play so you can have more fun in the conversation

What if you hear that your mother disapproves of how you’re managing your love life? You ask yourself why you ever offered relationship advice to one of your friends, and then you might guess, “It sounds like you care about me and it’s important to you that I have a happy and successful relationship?” You see, she probably cares and just wants to contribute to you and her disapproving words are the best way she knows how to help you be happy and successful in your relationships.

Being Right or Being Happy?

The guessing game is not about trying to be right;  it’s about trying to connect with them. They’ll let you know whether or not your guess is accurate. And either way they’ll most likely have something else to say, which is just another opportunity to play. And this is not about trying to change the other person; it’s about trying to enjoy yourself more.

We know this may not be the most enjoyable way for you to hear a request for caring and support from someone in need or to receive help for improving your love life. Even so, you’ll be amazed at what can happen when you stop wanting the people in your life to be different than they are, start to recognize they’re simply doing the best they can, and then start playing the Values Guessing Game with them.

Give it a try. We guarantee your time with them will immediately start being more fun for you. (And don’t be surprised if they start seeming a little bit different too.)

Building a Foundation for Success

We believe that the quality of our relationships creates the quality of our lives. If this is true then it’s vital to know how to effectively align your needs and desires with the needs and desires of the people in your life. Without this ability, it can be difficult to maintain the quality of relationships essential for creating the kind of life you truly want.

How can you know if someone in your life is on the same page as you? Are the same things important to both of you? Do you want similar results?

Establishing alignment is an essential ingredient for successful co-creation. In life, we often go about our own business trying to achieve our own goals, yet we are all still interconnected. These connections put limits on how far we can get in achieving our own results without cooperation.

The process of creating genuine co-operation starts with alignment. This is a process of getting clear about what is important to everyone involved at the deepest level of their core values. When you start building the alignment process on this foundation of shared values there’s less room for disconnection and disagreement.

This means making sure you establish alignment at a values level before you begin to create strategies for getting what you want.

When You Put the Cart Before the Horse

We often see people get stuck when they try to gain someone’s cooperation and they start the conversation by offering or asking for strategies. The trouble with this is that people usually have different ideas about which strategies would work best. It’s easy for disagreements about the strategies to end up sounding like judgments and justifications.

As an example, say you work in a very small office and a coworker at the next desk speaks louder than allows you to easily concentrate.

If you walked over to their desk with a strategy already in mind–such them keeping their voice down while they’re on the phone–the first thing you might hear is disagreement about how loud they are speaking or some kind of justification about why it’s important to speak with a confident tone of voice.

It’s possible to avoid the back-and-forth that is bound to ensue if you begin the conversation with a deeper level of understanding and connection. You can much more easily create the cooperation you want when you start by creating alignment around what you each value.

Why? Because at a core level we all share the same set of values and beginning a conversation by focusing our attention on these values stimulates our natural tendency for empathy and compassion.

Aligning with Success

Think about it. In this situation, wouldn’t each person want to experience consideration?

Would understanding be important to them?

Would they like to be free to make their own choices?

Do you think they’d like to be comfortable, relaxed, and free to express themselves?

Yes, of course they would, and so does everyone else.

So in this work situation, imagine having the intention to start your conversation:

• with no agenda other than cooperating so that everyone gets what’s most important to them,
• with an intention to first create understanding and alignment about what you each value in your ideal work situation,
• and without attachment to any particular strategies.

If this was your intention, you might start by letting them know there is something you’d like to get on the same page about.  Then request to have a conversation where you can discuss what’s most important to each of you about your work environment and relationships with your coworkers.

In that conversation, you might explore the value you place on being able to concentrate while working and their desire to be effective during their phone calls.

When Issues Become Opportunities

The volume they use while on the phone, and your desire for concentration, can become an opportunity to get more connected and aware of each other’s values.

This quality of sharing paves the way for you to co-create strategies for working together that ensure everyone experiences more of what they want.

This is how to begin co-creating a shared vision of success. Alignment paves the way for easy agreements and satisfying results that produces far greater enjoyment for everyone involved.

Of Course You want more Love and Intimacy in Your Relationship

We’re starting this post with the assumption that you want a satisfying and deeply intimate relationship with your spouse or significant other. If so, then it’s important to remember that the most successful relationships start with people who love themselves. The sooner you start giving yourself the kind of love that you’d like to experience in your relationship, the more fulfilling and intimate your relationship will become.

But do you ever wonder what the phrases “self-love” or “loving yourself” really mean, or what they have to do with creating a deeper sense of marriage intimacy? Even if you see the connection, do you wonder how to go about learning to truly love yourself?

Self Love Starts Here

Here’s the very first step: start noticing all the wonderful things about you! We know this might sounds simplistic, but you might be surprised how many people there are who, on a regular basis, simply ignore or don’t notice all the wonderful things about themselves.

“You must first love yourself before you can fully love another…” ~ Jennifer Good

How often do you stop and take the time to acknowledge yourself — to notice the things you enjoy about yourself? The best way to do this is to begin a practice of consciously focusing your attention on the wonderful things about you. Each morning make a conscious intention to notice and write down at least 10 things you enjoy about yourself during the day. When you go to bed at night, take time to review the list and appreciate yourself for these things.

Try It and Then Decide

This might sound a little silly, but when you start practicing this regularly you’ll be amazed how much better you feel about yourself, and how quickly loving yourself at a deeper level will follow. Once you feel this sense of self love and acceptance we guarantee it can’t help but stimulate more love, acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

So now you know you know how to fill in the blank in the title of this post: Marriage Intimacy Begin With YOU.

So get out there and start consciously loving yourself–no one else can do this for you.

The No. 1 Obstacle

Many people say that the No. 1 obstacle when attempting to maintain marriage intimacy and create a healthy, happy relationship is the lack of good communication skills.

What do you think? Are you in an intimate relationship? Do you believe it’s essential to have good communication in your relationship in order to create the kind of closeness and connection you want?

If so, here’s a tip that we guarantee will help you do just that.

Start by truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Very often when couples start communicating about a problem or dissatisfaction the first thing they hear from their partner sounds like a criticism or a complaint. This is a critical point in the conversation and very often where the communication begins to break down.

This happens as often as it does because most people think in terms of strategies–what they want and the most effective way they think they can get it. This strategy often takes the form of a complaint–how you could change to help them get what they want or a criticism–what your doing “wrong” that is keeping them from getting what they want.

It’s Not About You

Understanding what someone deeply values or the need they’re trying to meet underneath the criticism or complaint is critical to creating genuinely satisfying relationships. Taking the lead in this area is something that you can do immediately to help improve the quality of your communication and in turn, your entire relationship.

Certainly, one way to find out what’s under their complaint is simply to ask them. It’s a place to start, but it’s not always the most effective way of getting to the truth about what a person really values. As we pointed out above, people often think in terms of their strategies as opposed the value or need that is stimulating the strategy.

If you began a conversation by talking about a problem in the relationship and you ask them what they want about the problem you may hear things like, “I want you to _____” (fill in the blank).

• Spend more time with me
• Stop being such a know-it-all
• Listen when I’m talking, etc

Dig Deep

Clearly, these statements just tell you what they want you to do, not what they value, not what need they’re trying to meet. Getting to the underlying values hidden in these statements may require a little detective work on your part. Don’t just take their answers at face value; dig down beneath the surface to find out what values are at the base of what they want.

As an example, let’s dig under these statements and discover what the person might value that had them say what they did.

• Spend more time with me, is probably stimulated by the longing for more connection or intimacy.
• Stop being such a know-it-all, could be a desire for acknowledgment or appreciation for what they know.
• Listen when I’m talking, might be coming from a wish to be understood clearly.

Once you have an idea about what the other person values and what’s most important to them, many other strategies will become obvious for helping them experience these essential qualities.

And for you, it will be much easier to relate them and want to support them then it would be if all you continue to hear was the criticism or complaints.

What’s Fair is Fair?

Are you concerned with the fairness in your relationships? Do you expect everyone involved in the relationship to do their part if they want to share the benefits? Some say that, in order for a relationship to truly work, both people need to contribute equally. This focus of your attention may be leading to the intimacy problems in your relationship.

Many people labor under the assumption that only when a relationship is truly “50-50″ can it be a better, happier, more intimate relationship. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. We think it’s a myth that should be dispelled.

Why? We find it’s the people who truly believe in this myth who most often find themselves unhappy, frustrated, and lacking the most intimacy in their relationships.

What Do You “Expect” from Your Relationships?

This happens whenever someone sits around and expects others to behave in certain ways–ways that they have decided are “doing their fair share.” This is a recipe for disappointment. Keeping score is no way to keep your relationship, even a married relationship on smooth and solid ground.

In fact, expecting others to act certain ways or do certain things to “make us happy” actually limits our ability to be happy. If we want to be truly happy then we need to embrace the idea that we are the only ones in control of our happiness.

When you stop expecting particular things from your relationship, you can start working towards happiness, satisfaction and true intimacy in your relationship.

You Can Have What You Want!

This means taking full responsibility–being 100% responsible for your own happiness. This doesn’t mean you stop trying to get what you want from your relationships. It means just the opposite, if something is missing, you take responsibility for making it happen, and this can be done with or without your partner’s help. When you figure out how to get what you want, you can’t help but be happier, more satisfied and create a more intimate relationship.

Don’t leave your happiness solely in the hands of others. Start being 100% responsible for creating true happiness and a deeper sense of intimacy in all of your relationships starting right now.

The Quality of Your Relationships Equal the Quality of Your Life

Okay, hopefully you’ve had time to practice steps one through five, from part one of 10 Steps that Lead to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Just in case you missed it see part one here: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/10-steps-that-lead-to-better-relationships-and-a-happier-life-part-one

To recap, steps one through five are…

1. Start identifying what your values.
2. Figure out what it is you “DO” want in your relationships.
3. Stop taking your relationship partner’s judgment and criticisms personally by remembering that they are only trying to meet some need or experience something they value.
4. Offer the gift of your presence and…
5. Help the other person discover what’s most important to them.

Now it’s time to move forward and take step number six.

~ Step Six – Sharing the Vision ~

The next step to improving your relationships is the ability to create a shared vision. Instead of working independently toward your own goal, try finding common goals that you share with your partner.

When you have a shared vision about what you want for the relationship, making agreements and accomplishing results happens much more easily. This step moves you closer to greater success and mutual satisfaction.

~ Step Seven: Line It up ~

Once you’ve identified what you want and value, and you’ve given your presence to your partner and come to an understanding about what they want and value, it’s time to have a very clear, conscious conversation about what you each want to create in your relationship.

Do you want to spend more time together? Do you want to be more appreciative of each other? The alignment conversation is your time to formulate a blueprint for the actions you and your partner agree to take to insure that both of you get what you need.

~ Step Eight:  Take It Easy on Yourself ~

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the steps you need to take in order to be there for your partner. Throughout the process, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  It’s common for alignment conversations to bring up past pain and resentments as you focus on how to change the present situation. When you start to feel any discomfort, or irritated the conversation may bring up – STOP.  Give yourself a breather and take the time to look at the causes underneath the feelings you are experiencing.

As we mentioned before, everything that everyone says or does is motivated by a value that isn’t being experienced, and this includes the voice inside your head. Figure out what may be stimulating your negative emotions before moving on with the conversation. What need of yours is missing, what value aren’t you experiencing.

~ Step Nine: Learning the Negotiation Dance ~

Once you’ve created an alignment with your partner, you’ll need to make some concrete agreements about how to reach your goals for the relationship. For example, if you both agree that you would like to create more trust, perhaps you’ll create an agreement about checking in with each other when you need more information.

The best way to reach these agreements is through negotiation with your partner. Negotiation is a lot like dancing: you step forward, your partner steps back, you turn around and then you both step forward. Perfecting this dance takes some practice, but once you start actively doing the dance, it will get easier and easier.

~ Step Ten: Believe in the Process~

The last, but certainly not least of the steps is learning to trust the process. In order for these steps to lead you where you want to go and then stay there, it’s imperative that you trust the process. Things may not go exactly as you imagine, but that doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t making a shift.

Trusting the process means putting the brakes on your cynicism, refusing to give in to futile thoughts that may come up, and have faith that it’s really and actually possible for everyone to be satisfied with the end results.

The easiest way to truly have faith in the process is to become an Explorer. An Explorer has faith that there is something to discover, they have made a pledge to discover it, and they are continually taking action and creating strategies that will fulfill on that pledge.

Well there they are, the 10 Steps that Lead to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Now don’t stop after reading these steps, make a commitment to take them, practice them and start experiencing those relationships and that life you truly desire.

The Quality of Your Relationships Equal the Quality of Your Life

Whether you’re aware of it or not, your relationships influence how happy and satisfied you are in your life. And, we’re not only speaking in terms of romantic / intimate relationships, but, rather, all of the relationships we have in our lives. Each person we interact with plays a vital role in how we interpret ourselves and the world around us, so you can see how essential it must be to care for and nurture your relationships.

Perhaps, you’re happy with your president relationships, or maybe you’re struggling. In any case, you probably know that even the best relationships have room for improvement. With that said, you definitely don’t want to miss knowing about the 10 steps that will improve even the best relationships in your life.

~Step One: Identify What You Value Most ~

Before you can begin to improve a thing about your relationships, you must know what is most important to you. Discovering this involve you to go deep inside and identify what you value most in a relationship. Understand that values aren’t the same thing as strategies.

Strategies have to do with very specific information (I’m going to being in a committed relationship in the next six months); while values are much broader in scope (I value caring and consideration.) Once you identify what it is that you value, you’ll be clear enough to start getting those things from your relationships.

~ Step Two:  Know Your “Do” Wants Instead of Your “Don’t” Wants ~

Frequently, people focus primarily on the things that they “Don’t” want in a relationship. This kind of thinking produces ideas such as, “I don’t want my significant other to spend all their time at work” or “I don’t want my mother to put me down about everything I do.”

While not wanting these things is reasonable, it’s very hard to get results when you’re dealing with all the things that you don’t want. Instead, think about what it is that you “DO” want. Maybe what you really want is to spend more time with your spouse and to receive more appreciation from your mother. Clearly understanding what you “DO” want is the only way to start getting what you want in your relationships.

~ Step Three:  Don’t Take It to Heart ~

Getting your feet to move forward and taking the next step can be difficult for many people because, as humans, we seem to react negatively to situations where we feel hurt, or helpless. In order to learn how to stop taking things personally, it’s important that we understand that everything people say or do are driven by a desire to meet their own needs, or to support something that they value.

In other words, while it may seem to you that they’re launching a personal attack, what’s really happening is that something they need or value is missing from the situation.  Once we understand that their actions are all about them—not us—it’s easier to move forward and solve the problem instead of reacting to it.

~ Step Four: The Gift of Presence ~

Step number four is all about putting your own judgments and opinions aside and really listening to what your partner has to say. So much of our communication is clouded with our own feelings, desires, and agendas; it’s easy to miss important clues about what the other partner really needs to make the relationship work. Giving the gift of your presence to someone else shows that you truly care about making a deep and lasting connection.

~ Step Five: Now It’s Their Turn ~

After you’ve discovered what’s most important to you, it’s time to explore your partner’s values. It’s just as important that you identify very clearly what the other person would ideally like to have in your relationship – what they value most and want to experience. Once you and your partner have an understanding about what you both want from your relationship, you can move forward and take the next step.

Well that’s probably enough to practice for now. Take a few days; practice what you’ve learned here. Then when we post part two of this series, you’ll be ready to move on to step number six.

A recap of the first five steps to practice.

1. Start identifying what you value most. You can use our values exercise as a guide if you need help. You can find it by going to:
   http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm?s=fai
2. Figure out what it is you “DO” want in your relationships.
3. Stop taking your relationship partner’s judgment and criticisms personally by remembering that they are only trying to meet some need or experience something they value.  It’s not about you!
4. Offer the gift of your presence and…
5. Help the other person discover what’s most important to them.

Part Two:  Steps 6 through 10

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/10-steps-that-lead-to-better-relationships-and-a-happier-life-part-two

Start with Yourself

Great relationships start with people who already love themselves. Intimacy like any other aspect of a great relationship begins with the love and intimacy you have with yourself. The more you learn how to love yourself, the more you can love others–and the more love you will experience in return.

Regardless of your relationship status–single, dating, married, or divorced–intimacy can only be achieved by learning about self-love or “loving yourself first”. This is the first step to experiencing the kind of fulfillment and deep intimacy you want in your relationships.

Start Today!

How do you enhance you ability to love yourself? First, commit to noticing all of the terrific things about yourself, and celebrate when you do. When you focus on what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll find that others will begin to notice them too.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~ Buddha

It takes a practice to focus your attention on all of the positive things about yourself. It might seem like negative self-talk is the norm. When you focus on only the negative aspects of yourself, not only do you miss your own beauty, you tend to discount the love others express for you.

Start Because You’re Worth It

Few people actually take time to recognize their own wonderful qualities. The sooner that you can start to appreciate your good qualities and love and appreciate yourself for them, the sooner your relationships will become happier, more satisfying, and more intimate.

Make a conscious choice to do this and you’ll find yourself more able to fully love and receive love from others.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill