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Of Course You want more Love and Intimacy in Your Relationship

We’re starting this post with the assumption that you want a satisfying and deeply intimate relationship with your spouse or significant other. If so, then it’s important to remember that the most successful relationships start with people who love themselves. The sooner you start giving yourself the kind of love that you’d like to experience in your relationship, the more fulfilling and intimate your relationship will become.

But do you ever wonder what the phrases “self-love” or “loving yourself” really mean, or what they have to do with creating a deeper sense of marriage intimacy? Even if you see the connection, do you wonder how to go about learning to truly love yourself?

Self Love Starts Here

Here’s the very first step: start noticing all the wonderful things about you! We know this might sounds simplistic, but you might be surprised how many people there are who, on a regular basis, simply ignore or don’t notice all the wonderful things about themselves.

“You must first love yourself before you can fully love another…” ~ Jennifer Good

How often do you stop and take the time to acknowledge yourself — to notice the things you enjoy about yourself? The best way to do this is to begin a practice of consciously focusing your attention on the wonderful things about you. Each morning make a conscious intention to notice and write down at least 10 things you enjoy about yourself during the day. When you go to bed at night, take time to review the list and appreciate yourself for these things.

Try It and Then Decide

This might sound a little silly, but when you start practicing this regularly you’ll be amazed how much better you feel about yourself, and how quickly loving yourself at a deeper level will follow. Once you feel this sense of self love and acceptance we guarantee it can’t help but stimulate more love, acceptance and intimacy in your relationship.

So now you know you know how to fill in the blank in the title of this post: Marriage Intimacy Begin With YOU.

So get out there and start consciously loving yourself–no one else can do this for you.

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The No. 1 Obstacle

Many people say that the No. 1 obstacle when attempting to maintain marriage intimacy and create a healthy, happy relationship is the lack of good communication skills.

What do you think? Are you in an intimate relationship? Do you believe it’s essential to have good communication in your relationship in order to create the kind of closeness and connection you want?

If so, here’s a tip that we guarantee will help you do just that.

Start by truly understanding the other person’s point of view. Very often when couples start communicating about a problem or dissatisfaction the first thing they hear from their partner sounds like a criticism or a complaint. This is a critical point in the conversation and very often where the communication begins to break down.

This happens as often as it does because most people think in terms of strategies–what they want and the most effective way they think they can get it. This strategy often takes the form of a complaint–how you could change to help them get what they want or a criticism–what your doing “wrong” that is keeping them from getting what they want.

It’s Not About You

Understanding what someone deeply values or the need they’re trying to meet underneath the criticism or complaint is critical to creating genuinely satisfying relationships. Taking the lead in this area is something that you can do immediately to help improve the quality of your communication and in turn, your entire relationship.

Certainly, one way to find out what’s under their complaint is simply to ask them. It’s a place to start, but it’s not always the most effective way of getting to the truth about what a person really values. As we pointed out above, people often think in terms of their strategies as opposed the value or need that is stimulating the strategy.

If you began a conversation by talking about a problem in the relationship and you ask them what they want about the problem you may hear things like, “I want you to _____” (fill in the blank).

• Spend more time with me
• Stop being such a know-it-all
• Listen when I’m talking, etc

Dig Deep

Clearly, these statements just tell you what they want you to do, not what they value, not what need they’re trying to meet. Getting to the underlying values hidden in these statements may require a little detective work on your part. Don’t just take their answers at face value; dig down beneath the surface to find out what values are at the base of what they want.

As an example, let’s dig under these statements and discover what the person might value that had them say what they did.

• Spend more time with me, is probably stimulated by the longing for more connection or intimacy.
• Stop being such a know-it-all, could be a desire for acknowledgment or appreciation for what they know.
• Listen when I’m talking, might be coming from a wish to be understood clearly.

Once you have an idea about what the other person values and what’s most important to them, many other strategies will become obvious for helping them experience these essential qualities.

And for you, it will be much easier to relate them and want to support them then it would be if all you continue to hear was the criticism or complaints.

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What’s Fair is Fair?

Are you concerned with the fairness in your relationships? Do you expect everyone involved in the relationship to do their part if they want to share the benefits? Some say that, in order for a relationship to truly work, both people need to contribute equally. This focus of your attention may be leading to the intimacy problems in your relationship.

Many people labor under the assumption that only when a relationship is truly “50-50″ can it be a better, happier, more intimate relationship. Unfortunately, this is simply not true. We think it’s a myth that should be dispelled.

Why? We find it’s the people who truly believe in this myth who most often find themselves unhappy, frustrated, and lacking the most intimacy in their relationships.

What Do You “Expect” from Your Relationships?

This happens whenever someone sits around and expects others to behave in certain ways–ways that they have decided are “doing their fair share.” This is a recipe for disappointment. Keeping score is no way to keep your relationship, even a married relationship on smooth and solid ground.

In fact, expecting others to act certain ways or do certain things to “make us happy” actually limits our ability to be happy. If we want to be truly happy then we need to embrace the idea that we are the only ones in control of our happiness.

When you stop expecting particular things from your relationship, you can start working towards happiness, satisfaction and true intimacy in your relationship.

You Can Have What You Want!

This means taking full responsibility–being 100% responsible for your own happiness. This doesn’t mean you stop trying to get what you want from your relationships. It means just the opposite, if something is missing, you take responsibility for making it happen, and this can be done with or without your partner’s help. When you figure out how to get what you want, you can’t help but be happier, more satisfied and create a more intimate relationship.

Don’t leave your happiness solely in the hands of others. Start being 100% responsible for creating true happiness and a deeper sense of intimacy in all of your relationships starting right now.

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Start with Yourself

Great relationships start with people who already love themselves. Intimacy like any other aspect of a great relationship begins with the love and intimacy you have with yourself. The more you learn how to love yourself, the more you can love others–and the more love you will experience in return.

Regardless of your relationship status–single, dating, married, or divorced–intimacy can only be achieved by learning about self-love or “loving yourself first”. This is the first step to experiencing the kind of fulfillment and deep intimacy you want in your relationships.

Start Today!

How do you enhance you ability to love yourself? First, commit to noticing all of the terrific things about yourself, and celebrate when you do. When you focus on what you appreciate about yourself, you’ll find that others will begin to notice them too.

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”
~ Buddha

It takes a practice to focus your attention on all of the positive things about yourself. It might seem like negative self-talk is the norm. When you focus on only the negative aspects of yourself, not only do you miss your own beauty, you tend to discount the love others express for you.

Start Because You’re Worth It

Few people actually take time to recognize their own wonderful qualities. The sooner that you can start to appreciate your good qualities and love and appreciate yourself for them, the sooner your relationships will become happier, more satisfying, and more intimate.

Make a conscious choice to do this and you’ll find yourself more able to fully love and receive love from others.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

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Does Lack of Marriage Intimacy = Communication Problems?

Does it seem as though the lack of communication in your relationship is creating marriage intimacy problems for you and your spouse? Do you ever hear yourself complain: “Why don’t they ever talk to me about anything meaningful?” or “Our marriage would great if only we had better communication skills.” If so, keep reading. You may be surprised by what is actually at the root of the lack of intimacy in your marriage.

If you’re blaming lack of communication as the cause of intimacy problems in your relationship, you may want to examine this assumption more closely. Now don’t get us wrong, good communication is a wonderful thing. Communication skills are one of the most important things we teach couples that support them in creating healthier, happier and more intimate relationships. But if you’re using the quality of communication in your relationship as your test for intimacy, you may be shooting yourself in the foot.

“You Say Tomato…”

You see, we all define things differently. Your definition of intimacy may be different than your partner’s definition. The kind of communication that supports you in feeling a sense of connection with your spouse may be different than the kind of dialogue that gives your partner a sense of connection with you.

As an example, let’s say you love having long, in-depth discussions. You could sit for hours talking about things you enjoy. Like how you feel when you see the sun rise or the way your favorite poem moves you. This depth of feeling and emotion in a conversation really helps you know you are connecting with the other person. It gives you the sense that they’re listening to you and that they want to know you as well.

This is all well and good if the other person also enjoys this kind of conversation, but not all people do. Some people, perhaps even your significant other, don’t enjoy having conversations like these. For them, a sense of intimacy might come from walking together on the beach or just sitting quietly together holding hands. They may enjoy more casual conversations: talking about their day at work or what you’re going to have for dinner.

This just reflects a difference in style, personality, and preference. The first style doesn’t make you needy or wrong for enjoying this kind of conversation. The second doesn’t make them closed-off or withdrawn for enjoying a more casual style. This only proves that you are different people with different preferences.

Apples and Oranges

So let’s look at the difference between conversational styles and communication.

Many couples believe that they’re having communication problems when they simply have different conversational preferences. We see these as two very different things. The worst part about not being able to distinguish this difference is that couples believe it means they have a lack of communication in their marriage.

Misunderstanding this can easily cause one or both people to become resentful and frustrated, which can easily lead to decreasing intimacy in the marriage. But if you can see this difference for what it really is, you can use it as an opportunity for better communication and greater intimacy.

The place to begin is discovering each of your conversational styles. What kinds of conversations does your relationship partner enjoy having? Explore their preferences and help them explore yours. Help them discover your definition of intimacy and learn what creates their most meaningful experiences.

First Things First

Now, depending upon how long this issue has been going on in your marriage, there may be a need to clean up misunderstandings that have developed along the way. Then you can tackle defining your preferences about conversational styles and intimacy. Your spouse may even be somewhat resistant to opening up about this because they worry it’s just another one of “those” conversations they don’t enjoy.

If you think this might be the case, you could start by addressing this concern. Let them know that you’ve come to realize you each may have different preferences in your conversational styles. Let them know that you’d like to understand their style more fully and what kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Then ask them straight out if there is anything that would prevent them from being willing to discuss this with you. If there is something that prevents them, then this is the most important thing to take care of. Your conversation won’t get far if you can’t get to a place of real willingness to talk this through. The good news is that you’ve opened a discussion about how you can improve the quality of your conversations in general–and what better place to start than by addressing each of your preferences.

If they are willing to discuss this, then start by revealing your conversational preferences and the kinds of intimate experiences that are most satisfying for you. Ask to see if they understand what you mean. When you’re sure they do, then check to see if their preferences are similar to yours.

If they have different preferences, don’t take it personally. Remember, these are just personal preferences and theirs don’t have to be the same as yours. This just means it’s time to explore their style more fully and learn the kinds of intimate experiences they enjoy most.

Once you are confident you understand each other’s preferences, it’s time to negotiate. We have no doubt you each can find ways to satisfy some of your partners desires some of the time.

One Size Doesn’t Necessarily Fit All

With that said, you still might yearn for more of the kinds of conversations you enjoy–and we think you’d enjoy them more with someone who has the same conversational style as you. We suggest you find someone who likes having them too.

Join a club that discusses the kind of issues you like to talk about. Find a friend who enjoys talking in the same way as you. The point is that all of your needs for conversation, connection, and sharing don’t have to be met all of the time by your significant other. (But that discussion is for another time.)

For now, the thing to remember is to define each of your preferences about conversational style and the meaning of intimacy. Then come up with strategies that will provide the kind of closeness you want in your relationship. We are confident that simply having these conversations will support you in experiencing more of the marriage intimacy you desire.

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Got Intimacy?

Many couples are under the impression that marriage intimacy should come easily to them. They think of intimacy as a part of a relationship that you either have or you don’t have. They assume that once the intimacy is gone, there’s no going back. The truth though, is that there are ways for couples to work together to bring the intimacy back. This can lead to better communication, more romance and a better quality of love overall.

For most couples, the first step to getting the marriage intimacy back is to stop working against one another. Many couples think that they’re working together to solve their problems, but in reality they’re working with a ‘me first’ attitude.

Instead of thinking, “What do we need to make our marriage better,” they think, “What do I need to make my marriage better.”

Shared Commitment

The key to starting to work together, is to stop thinking of the marriage as, “My marriage,” and what do I need, and start thinking of it as, “Our marriage” and what do we need. This might seem like a simple concept, but setting the tone not just for your marriage but for your relationship is important. The way you think about your marriage, and the way you talk about it, can have a deep impact on your level of marriage intimacy.

For example, consider your favorite scene from your favorite movie. Picture the scene in your mind and pay attention to the dialogue, setting and action in the screen. Now take a moment and consider the music that’s being played. When you pictured your favorite scene, you probably didn’t even think of the music playing. Yet the scene wouldn’t be the same without it. Music works quietly in the background to set the tone and without it, the movie would not have the same feeling, or illicit the same emotions in you.

The same concept is true when you consider the way you communicate within your marriage. If you go into working on your marriage and start by simply adjusting the way you talk about it, and the way you think about your relationship, it can set the tone for your marriage that will make it easier for you and your spouse to get on the same page. Like music in the background, you might not always be aware of it, but it has the power to significantly sway your feelings for one another.

Express the “do want”

In addition to simply changing the words you used from “my” to “our” to encourage a sense of shared commitment, find ways to discuss your marriage and your needs in a more positive way. For example, if you feel that your spouse spends too much time with their friends, instead of saying, “You spend too much time with your friends,” say something like, “I would love for us to spend more time together doing the things we enjoy.”

While your initial issue might be the time your spouse is spending with friends, the underlying problem is that you want them to spend more time with you, and to appreciate the time you spend together. Focus on using self responsible language to express to your partner what you want to get out of your relationship and how you’d like to see your marriage improved.

Following these two simple suggestions can improve your relationship with your spouse almost immediately. Try it out for yourself–you’ll find that improving your marriage intimacy is easier than you may have thought.

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