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COMPLAINTS?

Have you ever noticed how much time people spend complaining? If so, you may have noticed that the worst part about complaining is that it eats up a great deal of time and mental energy, leaves us feeling stressed out and doesn’t getting much changed about the situation. Complaining also has physical effect, leaving you feeling tense and uncomfortable and people who are chronic complainers often end up becoming very cynical and negative assuming nothing will ever change.

WHY IS COMPLAINING SO COMMON?

From the time we are small children, our parents have taught us the difference between right and wrong. Everyone knows the “good” and “bad” ways to act.  When someone notices something they don’t like, often the first impulse is to make a judgment about whether it is “right” or “wrong.” This can lead to judging people as inappropriate or unacceptable, based on their actions we observe.

For most people, this judgment acts as a defense mechanism to keep ourselves and our feelings safe. If we can feel that our actions were “right,” then it’s far easier to assume the other person is “wrong.” We assume that if our actions are “right,” then others will not have any reason to judge us, therefore keeping us safe.

All these internal judgments inevitably turn into complaints, and we end up spending our time complaining to ourselves about the situation or the person involved.  However, because complaining actually makes us feel bad—and, as human beings, what we want most is to feel good–we end up sharing our complaints with other people. Our hope is that if we talk to others about our complaint they will agree with us and we will feel better and find the happiness we are actually looking for.

DO YOU EVER COMPLAIN TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS?

There are two possibilities that can occur when we complain to other people. One possibility is that they may agree with us and join in with the complaining, which leads both parties to feel tense, agitated, and uncomfortable. The next possibility is that the other person disagrees with us, which can lead to additional conflict and more uncomfortable feelings. Regardless of which way the complaining leads, it rarely leads either person to feel better about the situation. Additionally, any time spent complaining is time that is not spent finding a way to make the situation better.

“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ~Maya Angelou

It is hard to remember the reality of a situation when we spend so much time complaining. The facts get clouded by our blaming, judging, and complaining, which makes us feel more stressed about any situation and less able to find a solution. When we continue to complain about something, we often forget why we even started to complain in the first place.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” ~Mark Twain

WHY DO WE REALLY COMPLAIN?

One way to stop complaining is to really think about why you are complaining in the first place. Approaching every situation that you had a complaint about as an opportunity to start taking action to change things may help you relieve stress and find more peace and happiness at the same time.

How is this possible? Complaints can actually be the key to your happiness if you use them to unlock the deeper meanings about your judgment and irritation. Complaining is almost always a reflection of your true underlying values and what you want to see happening in this situation. When something you really want is not happening, it will lead to complaining. But, the complaint is merely a distraction from the true situation unless you use it to make a change.

“Now, 10 years later, the person who talked and complained is still talking and complaining and still remains in the same position. The person who took the initiative and found solutions has been promoted several times.” ~Catherine Pulsifer

Here’s the stress relief you’re looking for…

5 KEYS FOR TURNING COMPLAINTS INTO SATISFYING SOLUTIONS

1) If you are looking to find solutions begin by downloading a free Values worksheet to help you identify what is most important to you.

http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) After completing the Core Values Worksheet, think about what came up as important topics, and what is missing from the situation that is currently a problem. Identify these using value words.

3) When you catch yourself complaining about a situation, ask yourself:

• “What would be different if I did not judge this situation as right or wrong?”
• “What is very important to me that is missing in this situation?”
• “What can I do to experience what is missing for me?” “What can I change here?”

As an example, you might find that you were hoping for more connection in relationships or more self-discipline to complete tasks and projects.  If you find yourself complaining about being too busy, perhaps what’s missing is balance or relaxation. If you find yourself complaining about your partner nagging at you all the time, then maybe what’s missing is understanding or better communication.

4) Take some time to reflect and ask yourself, “If I could change the situation to include things that are important to me, would I be complaining about the present situation?”

5) Lastly, consider, “How can I act to make a change in this situation to make it include what I want most?”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl

Bonus Key) LIVE IN HARMONY WITH WHAT YOU VALUE

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How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

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Ready to Play a New Game?

In part one, we asked you to spend some time paying attention to your thinking. If you did that exercise you probably noticed that sometimes when things aren’t going the way you want them to you end up looking for who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation. Did you also notice how often you think about what you don’t want instead of what you do want?

Great, because in order to end the cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain that comes from playing this blame game, it’s essential to begin by getting conscious of the game and your part in it.

Ending the Cycle

Breaking free from this cycle starts when you learn how to identify what you DO want, instead of focusing on being right and what you don’t want. Focusing on what you do want helps you to escape this cycle, be happier and have a more peaceful life.

Of course, deciding to stop playing this “Right/Wrong Game” and starting to feel better is a little more difficult than just putting a game board back in the box. You need to develop the skills and strategies that help you recognize the cycle and avoid it before it takes over.

Here’s a three-step plan that you can use immediately to help you play a new and more rewarding game.

Step One: Use Your Feelings as Your Guidance System

Remember how the “Right/Wrong Game” causes tension and anger? There is a good reason for these feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are like a danger signal in your emotional guidance system. The danger signal blinks when something you value deeply is missing. If you feel discomfort, you know it’s time to change the game to “What’s Missing”.

Step Two: Realize What’s Most Important to You

If you keep focusing on what you don’t want, you can’t focus on what you do want. You need to identify what it is that you do want in a given circumstance–what’s missing in the situation that you deeply value.

The next time you hear yourself thinking about what it is that you don’t want, such as “I hate it when people don’t tell me the truth!”–slow down and consider why this is important to you. Maybe it has to do with experiencing trust or honesty–maybe what you DO want is trust.

How about if you catch yourself feeling angry and frustrated? You hear yourself thinking, “Nobody who really cared about me would act like that!” So what’s most important to you then is probably being cared for and you being considered. Your “do want” then is to experience caring and consideration.

Realizing what’s most important to you, is the only way that you can figure out how to get it.

Step Three: Go For It!

Now that you realize what’s most important to you a situation and translated it into what you do want, you can take the next step. Stay focused on specific actions you can take or things you can say in the situation to help create more of what you want.

Remember, focusing on what you don’t want is a trap, so stay away from it. If you want consideration, do something that will create consideration. If you want trust, say something that will create some trust.

A small action might feel insignificant but even the smallest step toward your new goal is better than getting stuck in that uncomfortable who’s right who’s wrong cycle.

Being in action will help your tension and anger release! As you work towards the things that will really bring you happiness, you’ll find you don’t want to play the “Blame Game” anymore. Taking action will help you realize that less stress and greater happiness is the best game in town!

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This blog post was inspired by a question we receive from our community.

Finding the Path to Forgiveness after a Tragedy Caused by a Family Member

Grief recovery and forgiveness can be a terribly sensitive and complicated subject. We don’t claim to be experts (or anything close) in this area, but we have found in our experience working with people that. . .

You can’t drag someone down the path to forgiveness. Your family member will start down this path when they recognize that arriving at the destination is accomplished for their own sake, not for the one being forgiven.

Your family member will not be ready to actively participate in resolving the source of their negative emotions toward the person who caused the tragic event, until the they understand the impact that these feelings have on their own happiness and well-being.

And, not until they fully understand the important messages that these negative emotions are trying to give them will they understand the impact that leaving this situation unresolved is having on their lives, nor will they recognize the actions they can take to resolve it.

Use the Power of Compassionate Listening

If you wish to help one family member in the process of grieving, forgiveness, and recovery toward the one responsible for a tragic event; we suggest the most powerful thing you can do it is to listen to their pain. Listen completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda. Listen so carefully that you understand the important message their negative emotions are trying to offer to them. Listen so accurately that you can reflect this important message back to them in a way they too can understand–completely, openly, and without judgment or agenda.

The negative emotions they feel toward the other family member are the result of focusing their attention on the negative details and impacts of this tragic event. But like all emotions, when carefully explored they always lead to an understanding of what is most important or valuable for the person to experience next–in this case, how to recover what they have temporarily lost.

We are confident that when your family member clearly understands the valuable aspects of their life that seem to have been taken by this event, that understanding can be the first step on the path to recognizing what they need to do to begin experiencing those things again–and even more.

Other Posts that May Help with this Process

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-across-differences

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/your-crucial-conversation-checklist

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/dealing-with-difficult-people-now-learn-to-handled-them-in-a-constructively-way

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/communication-skills-are-not-just-about-talking

Get Support from Grief and Forgiveness Pros

If your pain about your family member’s pain is so great that it prevents you from listening with this degree of objectivity and compassion, we suggest that you find someone with the empathy skills who can.

We recommend that you begin your search by investigating grief recovery, counseling, or support groups in the communities where your family member lives. Such help can be found from organizations online such as: http://www.griefshare.org/ and http://www.caringinfo.org/GrievingALoss/GriefSupport/FindingHelpForYourselfOrALovedOne.htm.

To find others, Google this exact string: +Grief +Forgiveness +Support +Groups

For results specific to your location, you can then add “your city” in quotes at the end and click search again. Often, the local community resources you’ll find are free.

If you are trying to help your family find the forgiveness necessary to recover from a tragedy, we hope that, at least in some small way, you can find value in these words.

We honor your intention and wish you all the best in re-creating wholeness, love, and hope in your family.

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Balancing Your Needs with the Needs of Others

Are you one of those people who constantly put your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? Do other people’s needs always seem to be more important than your own? Though many of us try to put others first, but neglecting to address our own needs is not good for us or those we are trying to serve.

Can you really get ahead in your career, your relationships, or take care of your responsibilities to family and friends if you don’t take care of your own needs?

Impossible!

Be mindful of getting overly caught up in endless busywork and constantly attending to the needs of others. You need to take care of yourself too, which includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you maintain a healthy balance in your life.

If you’ve been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to make some changes that will bring more peace, harmony, and well-being into your life. To do this you must first identify exactly what is most important to you, figure out which of these things may be missing, and then focus your attention on bringing more of that into your life.

Once you move past the constant frenzy of taking care of the needs of others, you will start to find yourself on the path to true happiness.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.” ~ Henry David Thoreau

When we focus our attention on satisfying our own needs, we cannot help but grow. Living a balanced life allows us to be more creative, more successful, and enjoy a life that is full of what we love. Having all of our needs met makes us much more effective in meeting others’ needs too.

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Effective Confrontation Control

Are you a “confrontation avoider”? Do you find that you will settle for things that do not satisfy you, just to avoid a possible conflict with someone?

What if you could learn to handle confrontation more effectively and find satisfying solutions to any conflicts? Chances are you would be much happier, right?

Learning how to effectively deal with confrontation may not be an easy task. But, avoiding conflicts can lead to even more serious underlying problems.

When you begin avoiding confrontation, you often start to worry about where the next confrontation will be–spending more and more energy worrying about avoiding them. Worry leads to anxiety and physical tension, and then not only do you end up with emotional issues but, physical ones as well.

What’s the First Step Towards Relief ?

Finding a way to deal with confrontation proactively is the first step that will lead to a more peaceful and happy life.

Before you do anything else, we suggest that you reinterpret your ideas about confrontation, and learn to see it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” ~ William Ellery Channing

Reinterpret Confrontation?

In order to do this, it’s important to really understand what confrontation is. The dictionary defines confrontation as: “a disharmony resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.” Confrontation takes place anytime people are opposed to each other’s opinions or objectives.

Conflicts don’t happen merely because people have differing thoughts, goals, or opinions, because there will always be people who have different goals and opinions!

Confrontation only crops up when one or both parties view these as “opposing” ideas or believe that their ideas “clash with the other persons.”

Because folks will always have different opinions, the only way to truly avoid or ward off a “confrontation” is to perceive at it from a different viewpoint.

What’s the Alternative?

Here’s an another meaning of “confrontation:” to bring face-to-face. When you recognize that there will always be some people that have different opinions than you, you can begin to relax and see opportunities to meet people face-to-face.

When you begin handling confrontation in a more creative way, you are less likely to defend your position or attack the other person. You’ll be more relaxed and open to exploring the situation and discover solutions that are satisfying for everyone.

You can begin by asking yourself this question: “When I encounter people with different points of view, how can I handle the situation creatively and improve myself at the same time?”

By staying away from conflict you are also running away from opportunities for self-improvement, collaboration, and new understandings, because these are the benefits you’ll get from genuinely meeting someone face-to-face.

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Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”

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Are you one of those people who take wonderful care of others and constantly puts your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? if so, do you really think you can continue taking care of anything very well–in your career or your relationships–if you don’t take care of your own needs?  Of course not! Here is a natural stress relief tip you can start using today.

Unrealistic expectations
lead to ineffective action

Be mindful of getting too caught up in being constantly busy and constantly attending to the needs of others. You must take care of yourself-this includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you have a comfortable balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.

If you have been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to begin to make some changes that will bring you more peace, harmony, and some relief.

Identify at least one thing you can do to bring more of this peace and harmony into your life right now. Then continue this process by focusing your attention on other ways to keep peace and harmony in the forefront.

Slow it down

Once you slow down from the constant frenzy of a busy life, you will start to find yourself on the path to contentment.

People, like nails, lose their effectiveness when they lose direction and begin to bend.
~Walter Savage Landor

When we focus our attention on supporting ourselves, we grow. Personal growth allows us to enjoy a happy life, one that is filled with meaning and purpose. And, when we have direction we are more effective at everything we do.

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Is Feeling Worried and Being Stressed-Out Tying You in Knots?

Do you lie awake at night, worrying? Does the stress of the day seem to weigh you down and control your mood, your decisions, and your life? If so, surely the amount of stress you deal with is taking its toll on you and those around you, keeping you from living the happy life you deserve. You can start to change this right now by determining the root causes of your stress. This is the first step in down the path to living a more relaxed peaceful life.

Root Cause = Fear of What’s to Come

Being afraid of what could happen in the future is a big stressor for a lot of people. You may be stressed over something as small as whether you remembered to set the timer on the coffee maker for the next morning or over an issue as important as whether peace will ever come to the Middle East.

“When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Every time you stress over something that could possibly happen, or may never happen at all, you let future fear get the best of you. Here are a few red flag phrases you may hear in your head:

• “Do I have enough… savings to survive if I’m laid off at work?”

• “What if… she turns me down?”

• “Is that the right… doctor for my mother?”

• “How will… my children be affected by climate change?”

These thoughts may even be inhibiting your normal sleep pattern, which in turn will cause you more stress. You may soon find yourself in a worrisome cycle where lack of sleep feeds off existing stress, and new stress feeds off lack of sleep.

Root Cause = ‘Shoulda Coulda Woulda’

Another big stress provoker is concentrating on past mistakes. When you can’t forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past, you only fuel your stress.

• “I should have… studied more for that test.”

• “I could have… done something to help.”

• “I would have been… in a better position to pay for my kids’ college if only…”

Of course, a person may have some normal regret about things they would have like to have had happened differently in the past. But, beware of falling into a worry cycle.

How to tell if You’re Caught in the Worry Cycle

Worrying about the past or the future (or both) can throw you into a worry cycle, and thoughts like those above are what will keep you there; they are the underlying source of your stress. When you’re caught in the worry cycle, you quickly become susceptible to anxiety, depression, confusion, and sadness. Stress can overtake your life at this point and you may even become worried about your constant state of worry.
As we said before, it is perfectly normal to think about the future or wish you could take back or change some things in the past; however, it becomes unhealthy when you find yourself thinking about the same subject over and over, and when you feel so strongly about that subject that it affects your mood and even your relationships.
It’s very hard to be happy when you begin to fall into a worry cycle. So be aware that anytime you start to feel uncomfortable and find yourself thinking about something over and over again the cycle has probably begun.

Setting Yourself Free From the Worry Cycle

Just as with any pattern or habit, it will be difficult to break the worry cycle. This is because worrying has become familiar to you at this point and it probably starts without you even being aware you’re doing it. Fortunately, we have some effective strategies that will help you kick this stressful habit forever.

These next three steps will help you create a new habit that will diminish your stress levels almost immediately:

Step One: Be aware of your feelings. Our feelings are indicators of how well our actions are corresponding with what we value. When we feel stressed, scared, sad, or any other related feelings, our emotions signal to us that something we value is lacking in our lives. Learn what these signals feel like so you can correct the situation before you fall into a worry cycle.

Step Two: Find out what you value. In step one, you learned to be aware of your feelings so you’ll know when something you value is lacking. In order to correct the situation, you must know what that value is so you can satisfy it.

Step Three: Do something! You always have options for taking action in a situation. When you take an active role in the situation, you will feel more in control and you’ll have less time to stress.

Determining the root cause of your stress and following these simple steps will support you in taking back control of your mood, your decisions, and your life. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to living a more relaxed and peaceful life.

with love,
Beth and Neill

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Happiness Is Within Your Reach

Do you want to be happier than you are at this moment? If so,  Have you spent any time thinking about what exactly it is that prevents you from being truly happy?  Don’t wait any longer, true happiness is only two conscious steps away.

Too many people count on others when they are pursuing happiness. We often expect that others will be the ones to make us happy, but, really, it is something we have to create ourselves. Instead of thinking that others should be nicer, more generous, more sensitive, or more whatever, we need to realize that the choice is our own if we want to be happy. Stop trying to change other people, and start making the only changes that will–in reality–make you happy.

You can have happiness in any relationship; the key is in your hands

When you spend your time and energy trying to fix other people, you actually cause additional problems and end up becoming less happy. More often than not the person you are trying to change becomes irritated, and gets defensive about you attempt to “fix” something about them. Then you are left feeling aggravated, out of control, powerless and more unhappy than before.

This is because most of us think that in order for us to ever really be happy, someone else has to change.  It’s Not True. The truth is, how you interpret what the other person says or does is the most beneficial thing to start changing.

Remember that what you focus your attention on grows. When you focus on how unhappy someone else is making you, you will essentially become more and more aware of how unhappy you are. It will become the thing that you notice most in your life.

As an example, do you live with someone that come home and scatter all of their belongings-their shoes, coat, keys, books, etc.-in a trail of debris throughout the house marking their course behind them? This most likely would be incredibly irritating to most people. If this sounds familiar, it probably leads you to constantly ask, “Why don’t you pick up after yourself?” You might end up spending a lot of time focusing on this problem. This causes you to notice every little thing that is left lying around and the problem just becomes even more irritating.

Don’t try to teach a pig to sing – it’s a waste of time and annoys the pig

Have you noticed that the constant nagging and reminders doesn’t actually lead to having them pick up their stuff? They still do it, day after day. Nothing changes except for your level of irritation-which grows. You are headed in the wrong direction-not toward happiness, that’s for sure.

To the person you live with, you just sound like a nag. They stop caring about the nagging and often end up completely ignoring you. The trail of litter still doesn’t get picked up. And you focus more and more on it.

What’s the secret to changing this pattern and becoming happier?

• Step one is to reinterpret the situation.
• Step two is developing the ability to focus your attention on what you enjoy.

These two steps are the fastest and easiest way to get yourself on the path to true happiness in your life.

For instance, if the person you live with comes home and spreads their belongings around the house, ask yourself the question: “what might be so important to this person that they would leave their stuff just lying around the house?”

You might guess that they just want things to be easy or have the freedom to do what they want–not being told what to do could be very important to them. Then try to begin and end each day reminding yourself of what you DO enjoy about your life with this person. Take some time to focus your attention on the happiness that you do already enjoy, and change your focus-away from the problems.

Perhaps thinking of it as an emotional “bank account” is a good analogy.  If you take each of your thoughts and make a deposit into your emotional “bank account,” then what you deposit will grow. Now, if you are consistently depositing negative thoughts and feelings, then these will grow. But, if you are depositing positive and happy thoughts, and reminders of the things you enjoy and that make you happy, then these things will grow.

Create a bank full of thankful

Take some time to notice the things that make you happy. Focus on the happiness that you can find in each moment. Then, if you remember to focus your attention on that happiness, it grows-if we go back to the bank account analogy, think of it as “compound interest.”  Instead of assuming that the slobs you live with don’t care about you, put yourself in their place and ask yourself what might be going on with them and then be thankful for the little things that they DO bring to your life. Perhaps a smile, your child’s laugh, enjoying a meal together, or even shopping (for the things that will be later left on the floor) can be things that make you happy.

Reminding yourself to be grateful for the little things can make a huge difference in your life. Deposit happy, positive thoughts into your emotional bank account and watch your happiness grow. Discovering authentic happiness is truly up to you, it is a choice that you can make. Start focusing on saving up your happiness and you will have happiness now.

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Feeling a little stressed out?

During the holidays it tends to get a little stressful, so we decided to relieve our stress by searching the Web for funny holiday videos. We found a few we thought were quite funny and wanted to share them with you. Enjoy!

Sierra Mist Holiday Hawk

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Not the kiss you’d expect under the mistletoe…

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Dutch couple on holiday (commercial)

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Christmas light music show… how do it know?

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Beware of the Doghouse- Hilarious and pathetic at the same time!

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Hope these videos brought a smile to your face and made your day a little lighter.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Whether You Love Them Or Hate Them

This time of year there’s always some kind of family event looming in the near future. These are supposed to be warm, good times, but it doesn’t always seem to turn out that way. Are you often left wondering if it was a good idea to go? Dreading the next “fun” event? Many times family events are just laden with difficulty and stress. Maybe your extended family includes a few difficult-to-be-with characters that keep you from really relaxing and enjoying yourself completely.

What if–this year–you could approach the situation differently and possibly even change the outcome? You might even find that you enjoy these events, maybe even start looking forward to them. How would that be? The following five steps can help you plan and survive this years family get-together.

Decide to make a difference!

You really can make changes in how you personally handle the different situations that come up when you visit family. Imagine how nice it would be to enjoy your family’s company and really relax and have a good time with them. It’s a choice that you can make, one that will improve your own experience, as well as the experience of others around you.

Step #1 – Choose your own experience

This tip refers to creating an intention. You need to decide for yourself how you want your experience to be. If you are clear about what you want, then it is easier to make that happen. Ask yourself the following question, “How could we all benefit from the experience of being together?”

If your answer to the question includes having fun, having peace and harmony, and feeling more connected to each other, then you are on the right track to changing your own experience, and the experience of your other family members. You can make the next family gathering one that is fun and peaceful, and one that even leaves you feeling more connected to your family.

Ways to make these things a reality might include being more playful with each other, and less judgmental. When things start to become difficult during a family gathering, remember what your intentions are, and how you want it to turn out.

Step #2 – Remember this truth, each person is doing the best they can

This particular step is something you might need to continually remind yourself of. It’s hard when Uncle Joe constantly complains about everything, or when your mother picks and criticizes every part of your life. Imagine if these people knew better how to create their own intentions and have more fun and peace. Do you think they would behave differently? They probably don’t like it either. Can you see how their probably doing the best they can with what they know? It is up to you, and how you react, to change the situation.

Instead of getting upset, remind yourself they are doing the best they can. To change your experience it’s essential that you concentrate on creating the outcome that matches your own intentions. While this is more easily said than done, it is possible. How?

Step #3 – Remember to not take things personally

Again, definitely easier said than done, especially when it seems like a personal attack. People say and do ridiculous stuff all the time. But, we’re here tell you that the ridiculous things they say and do–unknowingly–are an attempt to experience what they value and has nothing to do with you, you just end up being in the way.

If your mother is harping on you for not settling down and getting married, she might be worried that if you don’t have a family and the emotional security that accompanies that you won’t be happy. She is probably “Doing the Best that She Can” and saying these things because she really cares about you. But, remember, this is about what’s important to her. Don’t take it personally!

When you hear someone say something that seems like an attack, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to think about why they would say such a thing. Wonder what is going on with the other person, rather than how you end up feeling. Remember, you are creating your own experience.

Step #4 – Understand what they’re asking for

Family get-togethers can be upsetting when people are not sure about what they want and expect from each other. Not being sure about what others want or expect can leave you feeling quite confused and uncomfortable. Often this leads to you trying to defend yourself or your situation, or possibly even to give unwanted advice.

Change these situations by looking for some clarification. If your brother is constantly complaining about not having enough money for his rent, you can clarify whether he is just venting his frustrations, looking for you to help with networking opportunities for new jobs, or asking you to borrow some money. Sometimes asking the other person how you can help, and whether they are hoping you will just listen or actually do them a favor, can really defuse a potentially volatile emotional situation.

Think about the first three steps before you start asking for clarity. Remember your intentions, remember others are doing the best they can, and don’t take things personally. Then, make a guess or offer a solution that works for you. When your brother complains about his finances, you might ask him if he’d like you to ask some business owners you know if there are any viable opportunities. You may be right with your guess about what he wants from you, but even if you are wrong, it can open the door to a more productive conversation about his financial situation, one that leads to a more enjoyable interaction, and, ultimately gets you closer to your own intentions. Either way, this leads to less stress for both of you.

Step #5 – Focus on developing your ability to be grateful

When you focus your attention on something, it tends to grow. When you notice things that are unpleasant, then your pain and suffering will grow. When you focus on things that you enjoy and things that make you happy, then your happiness will grow.

This sounds simple enough, but it does take some work on your part. Plan to enjoy your family, then focus your attention on truly enjoying them. Focus on how delicious the food smells, or the funny stories that your uncle tells that make everyone laugh. These things will help you feel grateful for your family, and grateful that everyone takes the time to get together and stay connected.

If you follow these five steps, you will quickly learn that family gatherings can be fun and peaceful, and might even leave you thinking you are glad that you went.

Wishing you a wonderful holiday season filled with love, peace and happiness,
Beth and Neill

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Feeling stressed out?

Some days just don’t go terribly well. Your schedule gets thrown off, you easily get into squabbles with the people around you, it’s as if Murphy’s Law is running the show–anything that can go wrong, will!

When you’re having this kind of a day, how do you typically handle the stress? The way you routinely handle your stress, and the increased anxiety levels that accompanies things not going your way, is known as your stress response.

The same way your knee jerks up when the doctor taps on it, there are also particular ways you respond when you start getting stressed out.

Yours might be running straight to the freezer and climbing into a container of Häagen-Dazs coffee ice cream. Or perhaps you screech at every person who crosses your path.

Your stress response takes over as that last straw breaks the camel’s back–you’ve just had enough!

How do you relieves stress?

When stress levels reach a breaking point, it’s normally too late to stop and respond from a conscious place. Start to pay attention earlier–before it’s too late. Identify methods of dealing with stress as it starts to build up, before it gets out of control.

Consider what your stress response might be. You might not have thought about it before. Perhaps you don’t even realizing when stress begins to take its toll and starts to send you into rampant, unconscious coping mechanisms.

Once you discover how you actually handle stress as it begins to tip the scales, you’ll be able to avoid counterproductive behaviors and choose healthier more satisfying outlets.

What creates change?

The next time you start to feel stressed out, keep an eye on how you are reacting in the situation. Do you explode like a bomb, devour the contents of your fridge, or do you get a knot in your stomach and began to feel physically ill?

Keep a record of your physical sensations at those times. Write down what you’re thinking and what you end up doing.

You can’t change anything you’re not aware, so the first step is to know thyself. And then find ways to react differently.

With love,

Beth and Neill

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Feeling Dissatisfied?

Have you ever thought about all the time people spend grumbling about what they don’t like? Are you tired of hearing yourself and other people complain? What if all the time and energy people spent complaining could be channeled into fixing what it is that they’re dissatisfied about?

We all have complaints. Whenever we’re irritated or frustrated, it often seems like the first course of action is to complain. While it may seem that voicing our complaints is a way to relieve stress, complaining actually distracts us from the cause of our dissatisfaction and prevents us from improving the situation. Over time, constant complaining can create a feeling of hopelessness that keeps us from experiencing the happiness we seek.

“Realize that if you have time to complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”
~ Anthony D’Angelo

Feeling unhappy is a signal that something important-something we value-is missing in that situation. The key to finding authentic happiness is learning to dig beneath the surface complaint and discover what you value that’s missing. Then you can decide which actions you can take to do something about it.

Next time you hear yourself complaining–Stop–Identify what’s missing for you in this situation and decide on one action you can take in that moment to experience what you want. Give it a try and let us know what happens.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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I came across this blog post today and it reminded me of a story I heard at a personal growth seminar I took some time back. The story goes something like this:

“As hectic as life is, and with as much going on as we all have, we can tend to feel stressed out. So we do our best to eliminate the stress from our lives. Since that’s impossible we work towards as much relief from stress as possible.”

At this point in the story they took a piece of chalk and said,

“So we go about our lives trying to stay as calm as possible, evening out all of the highs and lows of life.”

That’s when they drew a straight line across the chalkboard.

__________________________________________

Then they asked, “If you were in a hospital looking at your vital signs on a monitor, what would the nurses say if they saw this straight line?”

You guessed it, a flat line means you’re dead.

If you haven’t gotten it already… the point of the story is that life has its ups and downs. And some of those ups are actually the most exciting most integrating times of our lives. And some of the downs are our best learning opportunities.

So if we’re only willing to do things where we can stay calm, then we may be missing out on some of life’s most wonderful opportunities.

And as this blog post says, short term stress can actually be healthy for you!

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Stress and Stress relief

With everything going on these days, it’s not uncommon that most of us are feeling a higher level of stress than normal. There’s a lot of great information out there about the causes of stress and how to relieve it. Here is some of what we’ve found.

Stress: Portrait of a Killer – As we’ve evolved, the human stress response has saved our lives. Today, we turn on the same life-saving physical reaction to cope with intense, ongoing stressors – and we can’t seem to turn it off. “Stress: Portrait of a Killer” reveals …

Stress Steals Important Nutrients From The Body - Hormones: Stress disrupts hormones that regulate menstrual cycles causing missed, shortened or lengthened periods. Under stress the body will actually steal nutrients as a coping strategy. These are the most common nutrient deficiencies …

Coping with Stress and Anxiety as the Market Melts Down – Rule #1: Don’t be a victim. Rule #2: Don’t wait to be rescued. Rescue yourself.

Well that’s the best from the web about stress, and stress relief today.

Until tomorrow, relax more and stress less.

With love,

Beth and Neill

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We just love the Emotional Freedom Technique and believe it is a great way to relieve stress. if you’ve never heard of it, here’s a video we found that will introduce you to this amazing technique.

Stress Relief with Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

Visit

http://www.Tapping.com

for more Emotional Freedom Technique videos, EFT articles, and my E-Book.

Emotional Freedom Technique is a simple acupressure technique for releasing negative feelings.

You feel negative feelings in the body, so you have to go to the body to work on them.

You can release a negative feeling right now with this video. If you’re stressed you should find yourself more relaxed after this video, and feeling more able to deal with whatever is stressing you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: How hard should I tap?
A: Tap lightly, just so that you feel it. The purpose of the tapping is to bring your attention to different parts of your body, it actually works if you just imagine tapping – as long as your attention is drawn to the right points.

Q: How can I be sure I am finding the right points?
A: Use two fingers to make sure you cover the points. Sometimes the point will ‘feel’ right, as if there is a slight indent in the skin or the point is particularly sensitive. It’s all connected so you don’t have to be 100% accurate.

Q: You have missed out points that Gary Craig teaches!
A: Yes. Feel free to tap those too, I left them out to keep the video simple and it seems to work fine without them. If you find the video doesn’t work for you, try tapping the additional points – around the top-middle of the head, and just under the armpit.

Q: Is the sequence important?
A: No. You can tap the points in any order. In fact you only need to tap one or two of the points for each particular feeling. It’s just you have no easy way to know which point so you might as well tap them all.

Q: I am a skeptic! / You are a charlatan!
A: Thanks. Tapping is perfectly explainable scientifically but it does go beyond most people’s understanding. It really does work though, and the best way to prove that to yourself is to try it and watch your negative feelings disappear.

For more info see the Introductory video which gives a bit more explanation:

Also this video shows use of an electro-acupuncture pen to show that the points have a different electrical resistence to other parts of the body:

Hope you enjoyed the video and learned a new way to relieve your stress.

Until next time…

Beth and Neill

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Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in your life? Do you sometimes think about these things over and over again, not coming up with a solution–just more worry?

Worrying can become a habit that feeds your stress level. Habits are formed when you do something so often that you start doing it without realizing that you’ve even started. It repeats involuntarily.

If your anxiety ever leads to feelings of fear or hopelessness that these things will ever change, then worrying has probably become a habit that would be best for you to break, and the sooner the better.

“A day of worry is more exhausting than a day of work.”
~John Lubbock

But What if it’s Not Even True?

One of the primary causes of worry is thinking you’re trapped or stuck–without any option you enjoy. Feeling stuck starts when you dwell on the things you’re worried about instead of taking action. Without taking action, you’re not giving yourself the option of doing anything but worry, and unrelieved anxiety can be the cause of intense stress.

The first action you can take to free yourself from anxiousness and worry is to ask yourself a simple question–one that can alter your perception of any situation.

“Is there anything I believe about this situation that may not be true?”

Often we’re worried about things based on what we think is true in a situation without ever verifying that our assumptions are accurate.

Question Your Assumptions

So, any time you notice you’re feeling worried or anxious, ask yourself this question: “Is there anything I believe about this situation that may not even be true?”

If nothing occurs to you, then write out a statement of what you’re worried about. And then make list of whatever you believe is true that causes this worry. You can then ask this question about each thing on this list.

Our experience is that we can always find at least one assumption we’ve made that we don’t know for certain is true.

Learn to Relax

Do this each time you find yourself rehashing an old worry and you’ll start seeing a shift in your perspective. Do it often enough and you’ll spend a lot less time worrying and experience less stress, freeing up your time and energy for more pleasurable activities.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To discover more strategies for reducing your levels of worry and anxiety, read our article:
How to Stop Worrying About Things You Don’t Want and Happily Pursue Those You Do!

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Difficult Conversations About Tough Issues

With everything that is going on these days–the elections fast approaching, economic worries, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan having no end in sight–you’re bound to have a lot on your mind. Are there times you’d like to talk to someone, but feel worried about bringing these topics up for fear it will end up as a debate or even an outright argument?

This fear is the result of the Us Against Them mindset that is so prevalent in our culture. Whenever we disagree with someone, this mindset leads us headlong into intense debates or arguments in order to determine who is right and who is wrong about the issue.

Creating a WE Mindset

In order to create relationships from a new perspective–what we call the We mindset–it’s critical that we start by establishing a sense of alignment.

The process of creating alignment begins by getting clear about what’s important to everyone involved–what you each value. To figure this out you can start by asking: “How do we want to treat each other during the conversation about the issue?” and then, “How can we discover what we each value, rather than just debating our opinions?”

So instead of beginning a conversation by arguing the issue–such as whether or not we need more or fewer troops in Iraq–you try to discover what values are represented by these opinions. People with either of these opinions may each value safety, support, or perhaps predictability.

Discovering Alignment in Underlying Values

That’s the interesting thing about creating alignment. When you get under people’s opinions and get to their values, you’ll find that these are often the same. And that makes it much easier to get on the same page.

Creating this initial alignment is how you start co-creating a context for discussions where everyone’s ideas are heard and valued–where the point is to exchange ideas and gain clarity, rather than prove whose opinion is right and whose opinion is wrong.

Beginning any important conversation by creating alignment paves the way for far greater satisfaction for everyone involved, and allows for the possibility of being heard and understood about what’s really important to you.

“I now see that the major shift in human evolution is from behaving like an animal struggling to survive to behaving like an animal choosing to evolve. … And to evolve, we need a new kind of thinking and a new kind of behavior, a new ethic and a new morality. It will be that of the evolution of everyone rather than the survival of the fittest.”
~Jonas Salk Quote

Alignment is crucial if you want to enjoy the benefits of the We mindset in your relationships.

Two Questions that Ease Communication

So, before you have any important conversation, STOP and ask yourself these questions: “How would I like this conversation to go?” and, “How can we get to what we value rather than just debating our opinions?” This internal clarity will help get you focused on the We mindset prior to starting the conversation.

Then, start the conversation by letting the other person know you would like to hear what’s important to them about the topic, and let them know you’d also like to he heard and understood about what’s going on for you. Ask if that kind of conversation would be enjoyable for them as well.

Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Until next time…
Beth and Neill

To learn more about creating alignment and how to have a life filled with joy and satisfaction, visit:
The Art of Conscious Connection

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Dealing With Criticism from the Inside Out

Massive or minuscule, spoken or silence, big upsets or small irritations… Have you ever become aware of how much time and mental energy we spend criticizing ourselves? Or how stressed and horrible this internal criticism leaves you feeling? Criticize yourself long enough and you can end up feeling cynical and resigned about things ever being any different.

Where Did This Inner Critic Come from?

We are trained from a very young age that there are right and wrong ways to do things, and good and bad ways to act. So, when something happens, our first tendency is to decide if the action is good or bad, and who’s right or wrong. We learn this lesson so well that we end up judging ourselves in the same way. Consequently, when we do something that we don’t enjoy, or someone else is dissatisfied with us, we judge ourselves in the same way–as inappropriate, selfish, rude and our actions as unacceptable, uncaring, or any number of other labels.

All these internal judgments become our constant companions, our inner critic.

We have gotten so good at criticizing ourselves, we tend to miss seeing the reality of what’s happening. When we keep our attention focused on blaming, judging, and criticizing ourselves, it keeps us from being able to see just the facts of the situation. It becomes impossible for us to separate the reality from all our judgments and stories about what has happened.

“There is a gap or a space between stimulus and response, and the key to both our growth and happiness is how we use that space.”
~ Steven Covey

What Is the Hidden Gift Your Inner Critic Is Trying to Give You?

Believe it or not it is possible to hear every inner criticism as an opening–a gift–to discover what’s deeply important to you and an opportunity to get in action creating things the way you want them to be?

We believe that every criticism is an unfinished articulation of a deeply held value. Your inner critic can actually be the keys to your happiness. Once you have the skills, you can use your tricky little jail keeper to unlock the judgments holding your values captive.

“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
~ Abraham Lincoln

Five Keys that Release Your Inner Critic and allow him or her to become Your Inner Guide

1) Download our free Values worksheet to help you identify what you value.
http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) The next time you notice yourself criticizing something you’ve done, stop and ask yourself, “How would I describe what happened if I didn’t have any criticism or judgments about it?” You can do this by pretending you are a video camera, what would the camera see?

3) Using the Values worksheet, identify what’s important to you that are missing from the situation. Some examples would include statements like: “I really want to have more FUN when I visit my family” or “I’m so tense and I want to feel more at PEACE when I come home after work.”

4) Ask yourself, “How would this situation be different if what was important to me–what I value–was present in the situation?”

5) Finally, ask yourself, “What can – I – do in this moment to help create what I want most in this situation?”

Live What You Value and You Shall Experience a Life You Love

Practicing these steps will support you in gently releasing your inner critic and allow your inner guide to blossom.

Being able to create who you are from your values is one of the outcomes people experience as a result of doing our courses. If you’re ready to learn how to do this for yourself and discover additional personal growth skills , sign up for our complementary thought provoking and motivational Weekly Action Tips eMail series at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com/cmd.php?ad=317928

Each tip offers practical advice for creating and living the life you really want.

Or visit us at: http://www.FocusedAttention.com

With love and light,
Beth

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