Welcome back!

Success is an Inside Job

Have you ever heard thoughts rattling around in your head such as these?

• “I’m not good enough to ____”
• “They don’t really care about me”
• “I just don’t have what it takes.”

This kind of thinking feeds on the belief that success in the world is measured by who’s doing what or getting what, and how we’re not measuring up. This thinking vibrates with an underlying sense of fear and unworthiness.

What if, every time you heard yourself thinking something like this, you asked yourself a question that radiated joy? Benjamin Zander describes these kinds of questions in his book, The Art of Possibility. They include questions like: “How can I contribute today?” and “What can I do in this situation to make a difference?”

Would You like to Make a Difference?

Try this on for a day. Instead of judging yourself by what you believe to be other people’s standards, start your day believing that you are a gift just the way you are.

Now you might be asking yourself, “How could I make a difference? What could I do to contribute?”

If you find yourself entertaining these doubts, this story–also from The Art of Possibility–may speak well to them.

Strolling along the edge of the sea, a man catches sight of a young woman who appears to be engaged in a ritual dance. Drawing closer, he sees that the beach around her is littered with starfish cast up by a storm from the previous night. She is throwing them one by one back into the sea.

He lightly mocks her: “There are stranded starfish as far as the eye can see. What difference can saving a few of them possibly make?”

Smiling, she bends down and once again picks up another starfish to toss back into the surf, saying serenely, “It certainly makes a difference to this one.”

Seeing the World through Contribution-Colored Glasses

In a world seen through the lens of lack, limitation and fear, thoughts might easily focus on, “too many starfish, not good enough, not enough time, what did they ever do for me?” etc.

But as the story reveals, it’s not a matter of the “success or failure” of the rescue mission, or what proportion of the starfish survived or perished. Absent also are the familiar concerns with fairness, progress, or ability.

Instead, life is revealed as a place where you have something to contribute. Where there is always some small good you have to offer.

Listed under the category of Contribution on our Core Values List we include: Assist. Facilitate, Serve, Provide, Strengthen, and Improve.

Impossible to I’m Possible

Your Mission Possible, if you choose to accept it, is to define your success in terms of contribution, and to use that same lens to witness the actions of others, looking also for the contribution they are attempting to make through their actions. By doing so you redefine the meaning of success, and with this change will come a renewed sense of personal power.

This week start each day with the following questions:

How will I contribute today?

What form will my contribution take?

How can I recognize the contribution other people in my life make to me?

And remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

But is Happiness Really a Choice?

Many people find it very difficult tomaintain a positive outlook when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world.

Some people even express a sense of guilt about being happy when so many people go through extreme hardships of one kind or another.

Have you ever felt sad, frustrated, depressed or scared after listening to the news or reading the paper?

These feelings seem to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference.

What many people end up doing is suffering sympathetically. While we are deeply moved by the suffering of people around the world, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good. We believe choosing happiness is important.

Here Are 5 Reasons Why.

The first reason is that, your pain servers no one

If you stopped breathing would other people breathe better? Try it out for yourself. Hold your breath, and then look around, is anybody breathing better?

The same is true about your happiness.

Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry, and those feelings made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. It’s okay to be happy!

The second reason is that happiness helps happiness happen

Sadness shared does not reduce sadness, but happiness shared actually multiply happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy, passionate or excited about something. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness contagious?

Why does this happen?

At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. You see, it’s actually good for everyone when you’re happy!

The next reason is that what you focus your attention on grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed!

This isn’t “new-ageie, magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention.

You may have had this experience. When we bought our last car we thought it was so unique, but as we were driving home, we saw another one and continue to see more and more of them the longer we owned it. We couldn’t help but see that model because our attention was now focused on it.

So if it is true that what we all really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It’s not only a good thing to be happy it’s actually important to be happy!

Another good reason is that saying so support success

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.” This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say its so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. So Don’t Worry, Be Happy

The final reason and we believe the most important reason to choose happiness is that…

YOU Can Make a Difference!

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference in the world.

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything to make a difference, remember: your suffering serves no one and may even be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

So is happiness a choice?

We say it better be!

So say it loud–and say it proud…

I Choose Happiness!

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

COMPLAINTS?

Have you ever noticed how much time people spend complaining? If so, you may have noticed that the worst part about complaining is that it eats up a great deal of time and mental energy, leaves us feeling stressed out and doesn’t getting much changed about the situation. Complaining also has physical effect, leaving you feeling tense and uncomfortable and people who are chronic complainers often end up becoming very cynical and negative assuming nothing will ever change.

WHY IS COMPLAINING SO COMMON?

From the time we are small children, our parents have taught us the difference between right and wrong. Everyone knows the “good” and “bad” ways to act.  When someone notices something they don’t like, often the first impulse is to make a judgment about whether it is “right” or “wrong.” This can lead to judging people as inappropriate or unacceptable, based on their actions we observe.

For most people, this judgment acts as a defense mechanism to keep ourselves and our feelings safe. If we can feel that our actions were “right,” then it’s far easier to assume the other person is “wrong.” We assume that if our actions are “right,” then others will not have any reason to judge us, therefore keeping us safe.

All these internal judgments inevitably turn into complaints, and we end up spending our time complaining to ourselves about the situation or the person involved.  However, because complaining actually makes us feel bad—and, as human beings, what we want most is to feel good–we end up sharing our complaints with other people. Our hope is that if we talk to others about our complaint they will agree with us and we will feel better and find the happiness we are actually looking for.

DO YOU EVER COMPLAIN TO OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS?

There are two possibilities that can occur when we complain to other people. One possibility is that they may agree with us and join in with the complaining, which leads both parties to feel tense, agitated, and uncomfortable. The next possibility is that the other person disagrees with us, which can lead to additional conflict and more uncomfortable feelings. Regardless of which way the complaining leads, it rarely leads either person to feel better about the situation. Additionally, any time spent complaining is time that is not spent finding a way to make the situation better.

“If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude. Don’t complain.” ~Maya Angelou

It is hard to remember the reality of a situation when we spend so much time complaining. The facts get clouded by our blaming, judging, and complaining, which makes us feel more stressed about any situation and less able to find a solution. When we continue to complain about something, we often forget why we even started to complain in the first place.

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.” ~Mark Twain

WHY DO WE REALLY COMPLAIN?

One way to stop complaining is to really think about why you are complaining in the first place. Approaching every situation that you had a complaint about as an opportunity to start taking action to change things may help you relieve stress and find more peace and happiness at the same time.

How is this possible? Complaints can actually be the key to your happiness if you use them to unlock the deeper meanings about your judgment and irritation. Complaining is almost always a reflection of your true underlying values and what you want to see happening in this situation. When something you really want is not happening, it will lead to complaining. But, the complaint is merely a distraction from the true situation unless you use it to make a change.

“Now, 10 years later, the person who talked and complained is still talking and complaining and still remains in the same position. The person who took the initiative and found solutions has been promoted several times.” ~Catherine Pulsifer

Here’s the stress relief you’re looking for…

5 KEYS FOR TURNING COMPLAINTS INTO SATISFYING SOLUTIONS

1) If you are looking to find solutions begin by downloading a free Values worksheet to help you identify what is most important to you.

http://www.focusedattention.com/resources/resources.htm

2) After completing the Core Values Worksheet, think about what came up as important topics, and what is missing from the situation that is currently a problem. Identify these using value words.

3) When you catch yourself complaining about a situation, ask yourself:

• “What would be different if I did not judge this situation as right or wrong?”
• “What is very important to me that is missing in this situation?”
• “What can I do to experience what is missing for me?” “What can I change here?”

As an example, you might find that you were hoping for more connection in relationships or more self-discipline to complete tasks and projects.  If you find yourself complaining about being too busy, perhaps what’s missing is balance or relaxation. If you find yourself complaining about your partner nagging at you all the time, then maybe what’s missing is understanding or better communication.

4) Take some time to reflect and ask yourself, “If I could change the situation to include things that are important to me, would I be complaining about the present situation?”

5) Lastly, consider, “How can I act to make a change in this situation to make it include what I want most?”

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Victor Frankl

Bonus Key) LIVE IN HARMONY WITH WHAT YOU VALUE

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

The Quality of Your Relationships Equal the Quality of Your Life

Okay, hopefully you’ve had time to practice steps one through five, from part one of 10 Steps that Lead to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Just in case you missed it see part one here: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/10-steps-that-lead-to-better-relationships-and-a-happier-life-part-one

To recap, steps one through five are…

1. Start identifying what your values.
2. Figure out what it is you “DO” want in your relationships.
3. Stop taking your relationship partner’s judgment and criticisms personally by remembering that they are only trying to meet some need or experience something they value.
4. Offer the gift of your presence and…
5. Help the other person discover what’s most important to them.

Now it’s time to move forward and take step number six.

~ Step Six – Sharing the Vision ~

The next step to improving your relationships is the ability to create a shared vision. Instead of working independently toward your own goal, try finding common goals that you share with your partner.

When you have a shared vision about what you want for the relationship, making agreements and accomplishing results happens much more easily. This step moves you closer to greater success and mutual satisfaction.

~ Step Seven: Line It up ~

Once you’ve identified what you want and value, and you’ve given your presence to your partner and come to an understanding about what they want and value, it’s time to have a very clear, conscious conversation about what you each want to create in your relationship.

Do you want to spend more time together? Do you want to be more appreciative of each other? The alignment conversation is your time to formulate a blueprint for the actions you and your partner agree to take to insure that both of you get what you need.

~ Step Eight:  Take It Easy on Yourself ~

We’ve spent a lot of time talking about the steps you need to take in order to be there for your partner. Throughout the process, it’s also important to take care of yourself.  It’s common for alignment conversations to bring up past pain and resentments as you focus on how to change the present situation. When you start to feel any discomfort, or irritated the conversation may bring up – STOP.  Give yourself a breather and take the time to look at the causes underneath the feelings you are experiencing.

As we mentioned before, everything that everyone says or does is motivated by a value that isn’t being experienced, and this includes the voice inside your head. Figure out what may be stimulating your negative emotions before moving on with the conversation. What need of yours is missing, what value aren’t you experiencing.

~ Step Nine: Learning the Negotiation Dance ~

Once you’ve created an alignment with your partner, you’ll need to make some concrete agreements about how to reach your goals for the relationship. For example, if you both agree that you would like to create more trust, perhaps you’ll create an agreement about checking in with each other when you need more information.

The best way to reach these agreements is through negotiation with your partner. Negotiation is a lot like dancing: you step forward, your partner steps back, you turn around and then you both step forward. Perfecting this dance takes some practice, but once you start actively doing the dance, it will get easier and easier.

~ Step Ten: Believe in the Process~

The last, but certainly not least of the steps is learning to trust the process. In order for these steps to lead you where you want to go and then stay there, it’s imperative that you trust the process. Things may not go exactly as you imagine, but that doesn’t mean that your efforts aren’t making a shift.

Trusting the process means putting the brakes on your cynicism, refusing to give in to futile thoughts that may come up, and have faith that it’s really and actually possible for everyone to be satisfied with the end results.

The easiest way to truly have faith in the process is to become an Explorer. An Explorer has faith that there is something to discover, they have made a pledge to discover it, and they are continually taking action and creating strategies that will fulfill on that pledge.

Well there they are, the 10 Steps that Lead to Better Relationships and a Happier Life. Now don’t stop after reading these steps, make a commitment to take them, practice them and start experiencing those relationships and that life you truly desire.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

The Quality of Your Relationships Equal the Quality of Your Life

Whether you’re aware of it or not, your relationships influence how happy and satisfied you are in your life. And, we’re not only speaking in terms of romantic / intimate relationships, but, rather, all of the relationships we have in our lives. Each person we interact with plays a vital role in how we interpret ourselves and the world around us, so you can see how essential it must be to care for and nurture your relationships.

Perhaps, you’re happy with your president relationships, or maybe you’re struggling. In any case, you probably know that even the best relationships have room for improvement. With that said, you definitely don’t want to miss knowing about the 10 steps that will improve even the best relationships in your life.

~Step One: Identify What You Value Most ~

Before you can begin to improve a thing about your relationships, you must know what is most important to you. Discovering this involve you to go deep inside and identify what you value most in a relationship. Understand that values aren’t the same thing as strategies.

Strategies have to do with very specific information (I’m going to being in a committed relationship in the next six months); while values are much broader in scope (I value caring and consideration.) Once you identify what it is that you value, you’ll be clear enough to start getting those things from your relationships.

~ Step Two:  Know Your “Do” Wants Instead of Your “Don’t” Wants ~

Frequently, people focus primarily on the things that they “Don’t” want in a relationship. This kind of thinking produces ideas such as, “I don’t want my significant other to spend all their time at work” or “I don’t want my mother to put me down about everything I do.”

While not wanting these things is reasonable, it’s very hard to get results when you’re dealing with all the things that you don’t want. Instead, think about what it is that you “DO” want. Maybe what you really want is to spend more time with your spouse and to receive more appreciation from your mother. Clearly understanding what you “DO” want is the only way to start getting what you want in your relationships.

~ Step Three:  Don’t Take It to Heart ~

Getting your feet to move forward and taking the next step can be difficult for many people because, as humans, we seem to react negatively to situations where we feel hurt, or helpless. In order to learn how to stop taking things personally, it’s important that we understand that everything people say or do are driven by a desire to meet their own needs, or to support something that they value.

In other words, while it may seem to you that they’re launching a personal attack, what’s really happening is that something they need or value is missing from the situation.  Once we understand that their actions are all about them—not us—it’s easier to move forward and solve the problem instead of reacting to it.

~ Step Four: The Gift of Presence ~

Step number four is all about putting your own judgments and opinions aside and really listening to what your partner has to say. So much of our communication is clouded with our own feelings, desires, and agendas; it’s easy to miss important clues about what the other partner really needs to make the relationship work. Giving the gift of your presence to someone else shows that you truly care about making a deep and lasting connection.

~ Step Five: Now It’s Their Turn ~

After you’ve discovered what’s most important to you, it’s time to explore your partner’s values. It’s just as important that you identify very clearly what the other person would ideally like to have in your relationship – what they value most and want to experience. Once you and your partner have an understanding about what you both want from your relationship, you can move forward and take the next step.

Well that’s probably enough to practice for now. Take a few days; practice what you’ve learned here. Then when we post part two of this series, you’ll be ready to move on to step number six.

A recap of the first five steps to practice.

1. Start identifying what you value most. You can use our values exercise as a guide if you need help. You can find it by going to:
   http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm?s=fai
2. Figure out what it is you “DO” want in your relationships.
3. Stop taking your relationship partner’s judgment and criticisms personally by remembering that they are only trying to meet some need or experience something they value.  It’s not about you!
4. Offer the gift of your presence and…
5. Help the other person discover what’s most important to them.

Part Two:  Steps 6 through 10

http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/10-steps-that-lead-to-better-relationships-and-a-happier-life-part-two

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Ready to Play a New Game?

In part one, we asked you to spend some time paying attention to your thinking. If you did that exercise you probably noticed that sometimes when things aren’t going the way you want them to you end up looking for who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation. Did you also notice how often you think about what you don’t want instead of what you do want?

Great, because in order to end the cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain that comes from playing this blame game, it’s essential to begin by getting conscious of the game and your part in it.

Ending the Cycle

Breaking free from this cycle starts when you learn how to identify what you DO want, instead of focusing on being right and what you don’t want. Focusing on what you do want helps you to escape this cycle, be happier and have a more peaceful life.

Of course, deciding to stop playing this “Right/Wrong Game” and starting to feel better is a little more difficult than just putting a game board back in the box. You need to develop the skills and strategies that help you recognize the cycle and avoid it before it takes over.

Here’s a three-step plan that you can use immediately to help you play a new and more rewarding game.

Step One: Use Your Feelings as Your Guidance System

Remember how the “Right/Wrong Game” causes tension and anger? There is a good reason for these feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are like a danger signal in your emotional guidance system. The danger signal blinks when something you value deeply is missing. If you feel discomfort, you know it’s time to change the game to “What’s Missing”.

Step Two: Realize What’s Most Important to You

If you keep focusing on what you don’t want, you can’t focus on what you do want. You need to identify what it is that you do want in a given circumstance–what’s missing in the situation that you deeply value.

The next time you hear yourself thinking about what it is that you don’t want, such as “I hate it when people don’t tell me the truth!”–slow down and consider why this is important to you. Maybe it has to do with experiencing trust or honesty–maybe what you DO want is trust.

How about if you catch yourself feeling angry and frustrated? You hear yourself thinking, “Nobody who really cared about me would act like that!” So what’s most important to you then is probably being cared for and you being considered. Your “do want” then is to experience caring and consideration.

Realizing what’s most important to you, is the only way that you can figure out how to get it.

Step Three: Go For It!

Now that you realize what’s most important to you a situation and translated it into what you do want, you can take the next step. Stay focused on specific actions you can take or things you can say in the situation to help create more of what you want.

Remember, focusing on what you don’t want is a trap, so stay away from it. If you want consideration, do something that will create consideration. If you want trust, say something that will create some trust.

A small action might feel insignificant but even the smallest step toward your new goal is better than getting stuck in that uncomfortable who’s right who’s wrong cycle.

Being in action will help your tension and anger release! As you work towards the things that will really bring you happiness, you’ll find you don’t want to play the “Blame Game” anymore. Taking action will help you realize that less stress and greater happiness is the best game in town!

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

The One Game No One Wins!

Do you remember playing board games as a kid with family or friends? Was there one person who was a stickler for the rules–somebody who took all the joy out of playing by arguing every roll of the die?

Now as adults, we might find ourselves playing the “I’m Right, You’re Wrong Game”, but does concentrating on who’s right and who’s wrong ever leave anyone happy and satisfied? Have you become the stickler in your game of life?

if so, you can stop playing that less than satisfying game right away by learning three steps to help you move towards a happier, less stressful and more for filling life.

What are you thinking about?

Before you do anything else it’s essential that you figure out why you end up feeling tense, frustrated or angry in the first place. Take a moment and listen to what you are saying to yourself. Many times, upsetting thoughts end up focusing on things that you “don’t want” and who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in this situation.

Your thoughts might sound something like this:

“They shouldn’t keep me waiting!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“Somebody who really cared about me just wouldn’t treat me like that!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“How can they think it’s appropriate to interrupt me when I’m talking!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

Each of these thoughts focuses on what you don’t want to have happen—don’t want to be kept waiting, don’t want to be treated that way, don’t want to be interrupted.

Focusing on what you don’t want makes it very easy to slip in to playing the “Right/Wrong Game”.

Where did we learn to play this game anyway?

The adults in our life played this game with us as kids as a way to teach appropriate and inappropriate behavior. We learned early on to distinguish who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s nasty and who’s nice, who’s good and who’s bad. As we grow up we get pretty good at identifying these things. We also learn to point out what we don’t want, but we’re almost never taught how to identify what we do want–the things that are really essential to us personally.

As we grow, we continue to play this “Right/Wrong Game”–even though it becomes a major stressor that affects our sleep, our attitude, and ultimately, our ability to be happy. Playing this game over and over, creates a cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain. In fact, if you feel uncomfortable thinking about the same issue more than three times, you’ve most likely slipped into this cycle already.

How does the discomfort–confusion–pain cycle work?

Stress can be caused by worry, frustration and anger. Your mood is affected by stress. How you interact with the world is heavily influenced by your mood. Unsatisfactory interactions lead to more frustration and anger. The cycle starts all over again and gets even harder to break.

When your thoughts return to the same upsetting situation, and leave you feeling uncomfortable, tense and angry, you’re probably headed to the Hall of Fame as a major-league player of the “Right/Wrong Game”.

But there’s good news! You can make a fairly simple choice to continue playing this game or to stop. As The Course in Miracles says, it all comes down to one simple choice: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

We know this is easier said than done. That’s why in part two of The Games People Play: Being Right vs. Being Happy we’ll take you from being a player in this blame game and show you three simple steps that will support you in playing a much more fun and satisfying game from now on.

Until then, start paying attention to your thinking. Are you focused on who’s right and who’s wrong? Are you paying attention on what you “don’t want”? The answers to these questions will support you in easily understanding and implementing the steps in part two.

Until next time…

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

To Get What You Need You Have to Know What You Value

Do you ever find yourself unsure of what you “need” in a situation or what would be the “best” thing to do? Would you like more confidence that the decisions you make are not sowing the seeds of regret? If so, you may be intrigued by our response to this question from our community: “What’s the difference between values and needs?” This is our attempt at a very brief education about core human values and a look at how to develop what we call your Values Intelligence, or V-IQ.

Values Intelligence

Let’s start by defining what we mean by core human values.

The word value originates from the Latin word “valere“, which means “be strong, be well, be of value,” and is also the root of the word “valiant.”

We define human values as:

What’s most deeply important to a person, without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.

Human values are the landmarks that guide a person’s choices so their actions are in harmony with what is most meaningful to them. They are what a person finds most important or motivating at the deepest level.

Examples of Core Human Values

To be clear about this. here’s a very brief list of things we would describe as basic human values.

Again, this is a very brief list of examples of core values. Your most important personal values may exclude some that are on this list, and may include many others which don’t appear here.

You may notice that things such as: air, food, water, shelter, etc. are not on this list. That’s because these are not what we would call exclusively “human values.” These fall more in the category of things that are valuable for sustaining life in whatever form.

The important thing to pay attention to when reviewing this list is the last part of our definition. You’ll notice that each of the words in the values list describes something “without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.” If they did, we would call these “strategies” rather than “values.”

This distinction plays an important role in answering the next question.

What’s the Difference Between Values and Needs?

By definition, a need is: a lack of something useful, required, or desired. Therefore, if we don’t consider something useful, required, or desired, we can never be in need of it. As a corollary to this, we cannot “need” something unless it is lacking.

In short: you can’t need it if you don’t value it or if you’ve already got it.

There are a few benefits from shifting our understanding of these words in these ways. One is that by using these definitions we naturally turn our attention to what we value that’s missing in a situation, rather than dwelling on what is lacking that we “need.” This turns our attention from what we don’t have to what we want, which is a much more powerful perspective for identifying our options.

Second, we all know how quickly someone can become “one to avoid” if they always express themselves in terms of their needs. Have you ever heard someone describe someone else by saying, “They’re just too needy!”

But expressing what we want in terms of what we value allows others to relate to us in terms they can identify with. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone reacting negatively to someone “valuing” everything in the examples of values listed above. You’ll probably never hear someone say, “They’re just too valuey!”

The Importance of Knowing What You Value

Everything we’ve covered so far was intended to bring us to this point. We can now take a look at the critical importance of being able to identify your own, personal core values, which is this.

If you misidentify what you value, it’s likely you’ll misidentify what you need, which makes it likely that you’ll develop strategies that will satisfy neither what you need nor what you value.

This is why we believe it’s so important that people begin to develop their Values Intelligence, or V-IQ. We understand this as your ability to:

1. Know what you value
2. Identify what you value that’s missing in a situation
3. Develop concrete, actionable strategies to begin experiencing what you value
4. Take only actions that are in harmony with your values
5. Measure your success by whether you’re experiencing more of what you value

In this process, identifying your personal values is the first step in knowing the most valiant actions you can take in any situation. In fact, we’ve found no better way for a person to begin experiencing a truly “valuable life” than developing their V-IQ.

If you’re new to our work you may be interested in knowing that we offer a free values exercise worksheet.

This is designed so you can use it in any situation or relationship in your life to determine what you value most–the first characteristic of values intelligence.

If you’re interested in developing the other four aspects, subscribe to this blog, read our articles, or visit our store. Helping people with their “values education” is a core part of what we do.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Are Your Self-Help, Personal or Professional Goals Stuck in a Rut?

Have you ever done a self help program–experienced that surge of inspiration in the beginning–then lost motivation for your initial self help goal? If so, you may want rediscover the power of connecting with your higher purpose.

Many times we find ourselves so caught up in the circumstances of our life that it’s easy to focus solely on the problems at hand. We tend to approach life as a series of short-term goals designed take care of our most immediate needs. And while we may keep our long-range goals in mind in the process, the hustle and bustle of all of this activity can easily end up dragging us into an “in order to” rut.

In Order To. . .

• resolve a problem

• satisfy an immediate desire

• accomplish a short-term objective

• make progress toward a long-term objective

Is Too Much Activity Digging You into a Motivation Rut?

While these are all great strategies “in order to” provide a certain level of progress and accomplishment, at the same time focusing so closely on the immediate circumstances of our life and the pressing goals we’ve set for ourselves can lead to sort of myopia. A nearsightedness that disconnects us from the deeper and more profound sense of calling and purpose in our life.

We can just as easily get into an “in order to” rut with our personal development work or our various self help programs.

The surest sign this happening is a loss of enthusiasm about what you’re doing. It’s especially hard to keep-on keeping-on in any sort of self help regimen when you’ve started feeling a sense of apathy, boredom, and drudgery about doing the work.

What’s the Best Way to Get Out Of a “No Motivation” Rut?

If you find you’ve lost a sense of motivation in any area of your life, whether a self development course, or working toward one of your personal or professional goals, it’s time to take stock of how connected you are with your deeper sense of purpose in life.

For us, this usually involves getting reconnected with what we hold as most deeply valuable in life. This requires that we turn our attention again and again to the principles and aspirations that give us our deepest sense of inspiration.

A few years ago we turned our attention from doing live, in-person seminars to supporting a much larger community through the internet. As many of you may already know, creating success with any online business is no small feat.

Many times during our journey we’ve found ourselves needing to pay attention to our own personal growth process. This has been the best way to support maintaining the focus we’ve needed to generate momentum in online business. Whenever we found our motivation diminishing it was vital for us to reconnect with the profoundly inspiring vision we have of helping support the creation of a world that works for everyone.

What Are You Most Passionate about Seeing Happen in the World?

Helping people learn how to turn their attention from suffering and toward creating more vitality, success, and happiness in their lives is one way that we express our own sense of higher purpose. This vision is a deep well of inspiration we are able to draw from whenever we need to replenish our sense of motivation.

In any moment that you are not connected to your sense of higher purpose–your commitment to contributing to something larger than yourself–it’s not surprising that you might find yourself lacking the motivation you need to carry on, whether it’s to complete some self help program or attain any of your personal or professional goals.

So What’s the Short Version of This Message?

The best source of self help motivation available for supporting your ability to keep-on keeping-on is to reconnect with living life in support of something inspiring–your higher purpose.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,
Beth & Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Overcoming the Roadblocks on Your Way to Success!

In part one of this post, and we talked about how the following cycle saps your motivation:

Limiting Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Limiting Beliefs

We’ll pick up where we left off, explaining how you can discover the gifts offered by a painful past.

As young children we crafted each of our limiting beliefs as an attempt to satisfy some need we had that was very important to us in that moment. Unfortunately, limiting beliefs are almost always geared toward the negative goals of protecting us from perceived danger or disappointment. And they are rather “poorly designed” in that they protect something that we value, but at the cost of other values of equal importance.

“Every small change at the root level of belief will produce amazing changes in behavior and performance.” ~ Harry Alder

Understanding Allows Conscious Interpretation and New Possibilities

The good news is that we can lean to use a limiting belief to discover all of the values we hold as deeply important to us. And knowing clearly what we value can provide us with our deepest sources of inspiration and motivation.

In this way, every limiting belief holds within it a new possibility of personal motivation waiting to be exposed. Here’s a simple process you can use to discover the limiting beliefs that my be sapping your energy. Using this process you can discover a wellspring of self help motivation that lives deep within you.

The process begins by asking yourself these five questions:

1. What do you value that is lacking in the current situation–what’s missing?
2. What do I believe that is causing the absence of what I value?
3. What is the belief protecting me from?
4. What else do I value that this belief costs me?
5. What would I need to believe in order to experience everything I value?
   (My new, Empowering Belief.)

Answering this last question identifies a belief that will replace the old one. It is the compelling image of your future that draws you like a magnet to the life you want to create. It is the source of inspiration and motivation that will move you into action

Engineering Your Own Motivation

Let’s apply these questions to the following example. Let’s say you notice you’re feeling nervous about asking for a raise, so you STOP and answer the questions. Your answers may be:

1. Since I’m feeling nervous I may be missing a sense of self confidence.
2. A belief that may cause my lack of self confidence may be something like “I’m not good enough.” (How could you feel self confident with this belief?)
3. This belief may be protecting me from being disappointed.
   (You may have created this belief as a child when your parents did not pay as much attention to you as you hoped. The belief was designed to protect you from experiencing disappointment about not receiving the appreciation or recognition you want.)
4. The belief may prevent me from experiencing the disappointment of being turned down for a raise. But it also ensures that I will not receive the appreciation or recognition I want.
5. “I am worthy of appreciation and recognition. My sense of confidence and self worth does not depend on other people’s opinions.”

Once you’ve identified the new belief that better serves all of your needs, it’s time to start taking the actions that will help you experience the truth of this new belief. Identify specific actions you can take right away that will reinforce a new and empowering cycle:

Empowering Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Empowering Beliefs.

Success Breeds Success

As often as possible, reinforce the cycle by creating your future from a compelling image of what success and happiness means to you. Your successes with the process will provide you with the motivation you need to continue reprogramming your limiting beliefs

Each time you practice this process, it will help you program an empowering new belief into your mind. As you continue identifying these new beliefs and the actions needed to experience them, you will develop fresh skills for navigating around whatever roadblocks may stand between you and your success.

If you’re ready to learn more down-to-earth tactics for creating the kind of self help motivation you want, please don’t leave without signing up for our weekly action tips series.  Use the sign-up box in the upper right corner of the page.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,

Beth & Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Are You Hitting Roadblocks on the Way to Success?

How many roadblocks have you hit on your way to success and happiness? If you’re like most people, the number one obstacle is your own limiting beliefs. When you encounter these obstacles you have two choices, give up or find the self help assistance and motivation you need to overcome them.

If you choose to seek support, then the question becomes, “What kind of limiting beliefs do I have that are preventing my success and happiness?” The first step to answering this question is to begin paying attention to your thinking.

Do you ever hear yourself saying things–silently or out loud–such as: I’m not smart enough, good enough, or capable enough to achieve the results I want? If so, you’ll probably end up stuck in the following cycle:

Limiting Beliefs -> Thoughts -> Actions -> Results -> Limiting Beliefs

Thoughts such as these cause internal anxiety, anxiety creates stress, and stress causes fatigue. Stop and think about this. When you’re tired, do you have the energy to get out there and do what it takes to generate the results you want? For most of us the only thing this pattern creates is a sense of frustration and hopelessness. Hardly the kind of inspiration you need to break the cycle.

How Do You Create the Motivation Needed to Turn Limiting Beliefs Around?

To begin with, it’s useful to realize what creates this pattern. As children, it was likely we developed limiting beliefs each time we had an experience that we didn’t enjoy. The greater the degree of our displeasure, the greater the power of our limiting belief.

This happened because we took those experiences and made them mean something about ourselves and the world. Then we began repeatedly looking at our world through the filter of that meaning.

“To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.” ~ Alan Cohen

Your Future Does Not Have to be Created from Your Past

Now that you have some idea how the process began, how do you create the self help motivation you need to turn this pattern around? You begin by creating an image of your future that is more compelling than the image of your past.

To do this effectively you need to get to the core of your desire to create a successful life. What do success and happiness mean to you? What are the most important things you’d like to experience as the result of being successful? What will change about your experience of being you when you become successful? Clearly understanding your answers to these questions is the surest way out of living in the past and moving toward the future you truly want.

Discover the Gifts Offered by a Painful Past

Looking toward your future can actually open you to the possibility of discovering the gifts offered by these painful beliefs from your past. It’s important to learn to recognize when they are influencing your thoughts and actions. Then you can begin to identify the nature of the belief and the needs it was designed to protect and serve when you created it.

From this moment on, every time something happens and you feel uncomfortable in any way, STOP–use these feelings as an alarm. Explore them to discover the limiting belief that is generating the feelings, and what the belief is attempting to offer you.

Being successful with this discovery process requires an ability to get to the root cause of your feelings. Bringing this information into the light of consciousness is necessary if you wish to connect with the important message your feelings are trying to communicate.

In our next post we’ll show you a step-by-step process for identifying your limiting beliefs, the gifts they offer you, and specific actions you can take to experience more of the success and happiness you want. Using this process will help you overcome whatever roadblocks may lie on your path and ensure that you never again lack the self help motivation you need.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,
Beth & Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Need Relationship Advice?

If you’re unhappy with any of your relationships, you’re probably placing some of the blame on the other person. At one level, it does make it easier to handle, when we don’t think it is entirely our fault if things are not how we would like them to be. But at the same time we are only prolonging our pain and suffering, because you are in control of your own peace and happiness.. It’s time to stop waiting for the other person to change.

You probably already realize that you cannot change other people, so stop trying. Now this is not to say you can’t request cooperation or negotiate agreements, what we’re saying is you must first begin with yourself. You are in control of creating the healthier, happier relationships you want.

It’s true. Changing relationships that are not going the way you would like them to is actually possible. Sometimes talking about problems helps resolve them, other times more drastic measures are called for. Whatever the problem, you probably already know that ignoring it is not going to help. Here are four steps that you can take to improve your relationships, even if you think you’ve already done all that you can.

One – Discover What Your Values Are

Before you can fix a troubled relationship, you must clearly identify what it is that you value for yourself. Think about exactly what you want to experience in your relationships. Maybe you value peaceful, harmonious relationships, ones that do not involve conflict or fighting. You might want to have more honest and satisfying relationships.

Values are not equivalent to strategies. You cannot establish harmony and peace in a relationship simply by eliminating conflict and fighting. You have to develop a strategy that will lead you to harmony—not just to avoid fighting.

Two – Decide What it is That You Truly Want from Your Relationships

When you are identifying your values and strategies, it’s critical that you focus on the positives of what you DO want, not what you DON’T want. These two things are not one and the same.

If you identify that you do not want your significant other to spend so much time with their friends, and then they decide to work more, this is not solving any of your relationship problems. Instead, identify a value such as connection or intimacy, and then focus your attention on developing strategies that work toward that value.

If you express things in terms of what you DON’T want, this does not clarify what you DO want. Instead of saying things in negative terms, express to your relationship partners what it is that you do want and look forward to from your relationship, and you will be more likely to get those things specifically. Only then will you see the real changes you hoped for.

Three – Take Time to Find Out What the Other Person Wants

So, you have successfully identified what it is that you want in your relationship. Now, it’s time to identify what it is that the other person wants. This is the only way you can truly create a shared vision for the relationship. Identifying what you each want makes it possible for all parties to be satisfied. By taking the initiative, you are demonstrating how much you care about the relationship, opening the other person to the possibility of wanting to make it better, too.

You can help the other person identify what they value in a few different ways. One is to ask them what they want in the relationship. This is not always the most effective method; however, because others may not know what’s most important to them. Another way is to observe their behaviors, and guess what the value that may be driving them to behave in certain ways. Remember, only guess strategy free values. You can use our free value sheet as a guide.

It is very likely that if you ask the other person what they want, they’ll tell you how they want you to change something. As discussed earlier, changing the other person is not the best way to make a relationship better. They just might not realize this yet. You can help get to their underlying values by doing a little digging on your own, and even telling them about the values that you have identified for yourself and how you learned to do that. Mutual satisfaction is the goal, and helping your relationship partner identify what they would like is one step you can take toward better relationship cooperation.

Four – Don’t Be too Hard on Yourself

Any relationship difficulty can leave a person feeling tremendous amounts of pain, self-doubt, or insecurity. Recognize these feelings in yourself, and remember that these uncomfortable feelings can be easily triggered by small things that happen.

When triggering events happen and you react in ways you don’t enjoy, remember to shift your focus of attention to what you are trying to accomplish. Keep in mind that you cannot change the past, and let yourself off the hook a little bit for things you may have done that you regret. Don’t assume that the past will predict the future. The future is the part you have the ability to change.

You need to avoid taking your own feelings personally, too. When you experience self-doubt, guilt, or insecurity, remember that everyone feels these things at some point. Identify the triggers that have you react rather than respond in a situation, and take the necessary steps to recharge yourself and get back to the positive place that you have worked so hard to develop.

It is important to be gentle with yourself during difficult times. Relationships can be very tricky, so give yourself some credit for attempting to make your relationships healthy and happier. Stay aligned with your values, and you will reap the rewards. We guarantee it!

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Do You Know Any Difficult People?

Is it challenging for you to stay calm and present in the face of critical people–you know those people that have something to say and can’t say it without raising their voice and trying to convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

Would you like to have options other than cringing, heading for the hills, or yelling back to defend yourself? If so, there are two places to look whenever you find yourself reacting in these ways: In Here and Out There.

What’s Going on “In Here?”

The space between your ears is the first place to look whenever you start experiencing discomfort in any situation. It’s where you’ll find the beliefs that are at the root of the problems you think are happening “out there.”

Have you ever seen someone parasurfing–using a small parasail to pull themselves across the waves on their surfboard? Your thoughts are like the parasail in the wind, the wind and surf is what’s going on “out there.”

If you don’t know how to control the parasail, it’s unlikely that you’ll keep your balance, let alone control where you’re headed. And balance is critical if you want to gain control of yourself and the situation when someone is flipping out.

Falling – Then Catching Yourself – Then Falling – Then. . .

Imagine standing on the surfboard, perfectly balanced, with no force being applied to you, the surfboard or the parasail. Very Zen-like, but you’re not going anywhere are you?

The fun starts when the wind catches the parasail and you feel the drag of the water under the board. In that instance you’re falling forward–and unless you regain your balance quickly, you’re headed for a wipe out.

But then the wind shifts, the waves rise and you’re starting to fall again, and then you regain your balance, and then you’re falling, and then. . .

Keeping Your Balance

To maintain your emotional balance in the face of strong criticism, two things are essential. First, you need to recognize the moment that you start feeling discomfort of any sort. Second, you need to have the skills necessary to regain your emotional balance in a split second.

The first part–recognizing the moment you start feeling discomfort–is actually harder than it may sound.

In studies to prevent police violence, when officers were questioned closely, they recognized that there were typically five verbal exchanges that preceded violence.

Yet these highly trained individuals weren’t even conscious of these exchanges until they were probed. Once they recognized this they saw that the violence may have been avoided if any one of these exchanges had been handled a little bit differently.

Like these officers, you have an emotional guidance system that is highly tuned to alert you to the first moment that things are getting out of balance. And your emotions are much like the control lines on the parasail.

It’s by learning to accurately respond to the way you feel–the lines–that you gain control of your thinking–the parasail. This is how you keep your balance and control the direction the situation is heading.

Controlling What’s Happening Out There

Unfortunately, very few of us are trained how to use our emotional guidance system, how it relates to our thinking, or how emotions and thinking control our behavior.

It seems most of us grow up believing that we’re being dragged through life–into and out of one situation after another–helpless to do anything but hang on and hope for the best.

Or even worse: we’ve been misguided about what the control lines are and how to use them to control the parasail. Instead, we’ve learned that being “emotional” is a “bad thing,” “the best defense is a good offence,” “it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and countless other beliefs that teach us to react rather than respond.

This leads us back to the second part–having the skills you need to regain your emotional balance in a split second. This is essentially the same as learning to control the parasail in the wind. It’s learning to consciously choose the beliefs that govern your thoughts, which often requires you to un-learn prior beliefs.

This is the process of developing what we call your Values Intelligence–your ability to know and apply what you value, regardless of your circumstance.

Without these skills–like the police officers we mentioned–it is unlikely you’ll recognize when things are going wrong, or be able to respond soon enough to prevent minor upsets from escalating into serious problems.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can develop your Values Intelligence take a look at our article: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/settling-for-less-than-you-really-want-create-the-life-and-relationships-you-desire-now

And if your ready to do whatever it takes to stop melting down, clamming up, or flipping out, then enroll in The Art of Conscious Connection Online eCourse. It’s specifically designed to give you the In Here skills you need to start gaining more control over the direction of what’s happening Out There.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s relationship advice that opposes dating after being widowed or divorced until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:

http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news.

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Everybody feels the affects of stress, and most people are often searching for ways to find stress relief. Finding happiness and eliminating stress has many benefits, including physical, emotional, and mental benefits. A healthy lifestyle is one that helps a person manage stress effectively. Happiness is a choice, and many people just don’t realize this. Recognizing any unhealthy thought patterns and changing them can have remarkable effects on your life.

Do Your Pets Make You Feel Happier?

Interestingly enough, the population of pets in America is almost double the population of people in the country. Estimates suggest there are nearly 400 million pets owned by Americans. Owning a pet is considered a terrific way to reduce stress; there are many physical and mental health benefits to the companionship of a loving pet. Having a pet can lower blood pressure, improve cholesterol levels, and make a person more relaxed, happier and healthy overall.

However…..there are some pets that are not as good for you…..

What Kind Of Pets Do NOT Make Good Companions?

Did you know owning certain kinds of pets can actually harm you? These pets can harm you mentally as well as physically, and are usually not recommended as good way to relieve stress. Any pet that can cause pain or stress is probably one to be avoided. Right?

People just don’t generally keep pets when they are dangerous. Having a pet porcupine is not something that is very common. There are plenty of reasons for this, beginning with the fact that you can’t cuddle up and enjoy the companionship of a porcupine. Most people prefer pets that are cuddly and soft, or playful, or offer some degree of love in return for the love and care you provide.

There is one kind of dangerous pet that most people keep at least one of. Wondering what type of pet that is? Your pet peeves.

Most people have at least one of these pets, and some people seem to have tons of them. These are the kinds of pets that cause us tremendous harm-whether we are having peeves about taxes, waiting in line, slow drivers, loud children, neighborhood functions, or whatever we can come up with. Pet peeves cost us energy and happiness, regardless of the breed.

How Much Do Your Pet Peeves Cost You?

Pet peeves are expensive to maintain. It’s the kind of pet that the more attention you pay to it, the worse it becomes. You will become more upset and angry with every bit of energy you devote to your pet peeve.

It seems so simple, to just let those pet peeves go and release some of the pain and frustration that they cause. Keeping that pet peeve close by means you are complaining more about whatever it is that is bugging you, and that just cannot lead to good things in your life.

Where Does Complaining Get You?

Complaining just doesn’t really get you anywhere. It’s like blowing dust off of a table, it has to land somewhere and you will just have to clean it up again later.

When you focus your attention on complaining, you will notice what’s annoying you more and more. It has been said that a pet peeve is merely an opportunity to complain that is seldom missed. This is really a way to actively seek unhappiness.

Focusing on pet peeves does not make them go away. In fact, usually complaining about them only makes them bigger and more irritating. Complaining about slow drivers then leads to complaining about slow cashiers and then leads to complaining about long waits in your doctor’s office. Focusing your attention on one pet peeve only serves to bring out more and make them all more magnified and pronounced. This is not a good experience for anyone-not for you or for your listeners.

Complaining about your pet peeves might seem like a good way to vent your frustrations, but it will be unlikely to leave you feeling more peaceful or relieved. It is the kind of complaining that doesn’t get anything done-complaining about a long wait in a cashier’s line doesn’t make it any shorter.

Let Them Go… Let Them Go…

“Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.” ~ Fred Propp Jr.

Letting go of your pet peeves, setting them free to live on their own in the wild, if you will, is not done so that the pets will be happier. Those kinds of pets will never be happy anyway. Letting them go is a necessary action so that we can be happier. Anyone that has let go of their pet peeves will vouch for this.

People want to be happy, though, even if pet peeves don’t. Committing yourself to a happy life and working toward experiencing more happiness is an active process that takes conscious effort on your part. But that effort is definitely worthwhile.

But How Do You Set Them Free?

Wondering what the fastest and easiest way is to set your pet peeves free and find more peace and happiness in your life? Work on focusing your attention on the positive things. Experience gratitude. Enjoy your life. Perhaps this sounds overly simplified, and it might be easier said than done-at least at the beginning. But once you get going toward happiness, the process feeds itself and you will become happier and happier, the more you focus on that.

Happiness Breeds Happiness

Stop allowing your pet peeves to take up any more of your precious time. Focus on developing what you enjoy, and focus on the steps you are taking toward happiness. You have emotional reserves, like a bank account, and you need to keep some currency in this account. Every positive event you experience, every piece of happiness, needs to be deposited into this “account” so that you can draw from this instead of focusing any attention on your pet peeves.

Don’t allow any pet peeves to make withdrawals from this emotional bank account.
Any time you feel frustrated by one of your pet peeves, take a moment to focus your attention on something more positive. Turn that energy into thanks and gratitude for something good you have in your life.

Whatever you choose to focus your attention on is what will grow. Make sure that you take the time to focus on the positives, and let those pet peeves be set free once and for all. Pet peeves are truly not the kind of pets that anyone wants-most pets provide comfort, joy, and companionship, and pet peeve only bring irritation and frustration.

Happiness really is a choice that you can make for yourself. Remember to keep your bank filled with thanks, instead of complaints. And the next time you’re looking to adopt a pet, make sure it’s the soft cuddly kind.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Overcoming one of the biggest co-parenting issues

Are you Co Parents of  kids that are stuck in the middle of the blame game you’re playing with your ex? Are you both still fighting about things that caused you to split in the first place? Read on to discover co-parenting skills for raising your kids together with much less frustration and stress, and a whole lot more peaceful agreement making.

Co-Parenting Happy, Confident Kids in Five Do-Able Steps

Check out these five easy steps that will have your entire, post-divorce family thriving! Although these steps seem simple, they demand dedication and perseverance. But we all know that your kids are always worth it. So read the steps below and discover how you can mend the past and secure the future happiness for your entire family.

Step One: Getting Clear on your Intention

Many divorced parents are unclear about their intentions as they pertain to their co-parenting situation, and you probably are too. So, the first thing you must learn is the important distinction between an intention and a strategy.

Our definition of intention is a deeply held value you have, expressed as a vision, for a specific part of your life. A strategy is a plan of action that will foster your vision.

If you don’t know the difference between these two, you might find yourself struggling to make agreements because you’re stuck on your strategies. Focusing on strategies usually leads to frustration and definitely limits your possibilities.

One strategy = One opportunity

As an example, you may have chosen to make Friday nights your family bowling night where each member of your family is required to attend. Do you remember why you started this practice in the first place? What was your intention? You may have wanted to provide a consistent, enjoyable way for your family members to spend time with one another.

What you may not realize is that if you’re open, there are many ways to get what you really want. Clarifying your intention, gives you the opportunity to choose from all the available options.

The most important place to begin is to develop a detailed mental image (your vision) that matches your most deeply held values as they relate to your co-parenting situation. This is what you’d most like to experience in this particular situation.

Step Two: Sharing your Vision

Do you know what your co-parent’s intentions are? Once you’re clear on what you want, meet up with your co-parent. It’s critical that you communicate and share your visions with each other so that you can work effectively together. Keep sharing your visions with each other until you are both just as clear on their vision as you are on your own.

Keep in mind that this is only vision sharing time, not strategy planning time. Strategies are critical to getting the life you want, but they will only distract from this part of the discussion, so hold off until later.

Once you and your ex are clear on what each other values, move on to creating a shared intention. Start with baby steps and work from there.

Obviously, it should not be hard for you and your ex to agree that you both want what’s best for your kids–joy, safety, good health, etc. Make a list of all the items you can both agree upon without difficulty.

After that you can begin discussing ideas like family bowling night, but be careful only to suggest these things as tools to achieve your shared values. Continue to build that list of values you both want for your kids until you both say something like, “Wow, I would be so thrilled if we created a life like this for our kids!” That’s when you know you have created a solid list to ensure your children’s happiness and health.

Sharing your vision and creating a shared platform will set the tone for trouble-free discussion, great results, and fulfillment for all parties involved.

Step Three: Negotiate

Is it your intention to settle for nothing less than what is right for your kids, yourself, and your co-parent? Are you committed to negotiating until you can both be happy with your decisions? Are you aware of the difference between negotiation and compromise? This is another important thing to be aware of when working toward a shared vision.

Here’s how the compromise process works: First, find out what all parties want. Next, discover which member(s) are willing to give up part or all of what they want to benefit the group. This is a solution that leaves many members unsatisfied at the end of the process.

The basis of compromise is the mindset that there is a shortage; it’s impossible for everyone to get what they want, and therefore members must cut back on their wants and settle for less.

However, when you negotiate, you find what each person values. As you uncover what is lacking in the scenario, you then begin to determine what’s been keeping you from getting what you value. In focusing on solving this issue, you begin moving toward a solution that will give everyone what they want.

When negotiating, our mindset is focused on abundance and the belief that there is plenty to go around; it’s just a matter of coming up with enough ideas to find some that everyone will be satisfied with.

When we set our minds on the fact that there is enough to go around, that everyone can be happy, we have what is necessary to see it through to a successful end. Always have the unwavering belief that your children will be happy, secure, and be cared for; that what you value for them will indeed become a reality.

Step Four: Build Strong Agreements

The negotiating process has now ended and you’ve come to an agreement, but what is the agreement? Is everyone clear on specifically what they are to do and exactly what they will be getting? It’s common to think you’ve come to an agreement when in actuality there are a lot of details still to be worked out. You need a strong agreement in order to get successful results.

Strong agreements are all about details; they specifically say who will do what and how things will get accomplished. They are clear about who will get what and when they will get it. Strong agreements come about only when each person or party has made a clear commitment to the agreement.

When someone is resistant to the agreement, they are simply expressing the lack of their value in the plan. Go back to your shared vision and intention and make sure you go through negotiation again, this time finding a strategy that doesn’t leave out anyone’s values.

Strength is apparent in agreements where joyfulness is expressed. When people see that their values are being supported within the agreement, they will find joy in committing to the plan.

Step Five: Establish a System to Check Accountability

Sometimes, results do not come to fruition and members get frustrated, even resentful. The best way to know if your agreements are effective is to establish accountability with each member. By doing this early on, and checking back to make sure it is in fact working, you avoid the hurtful feelings that can come when things don’t pan out.

Establishing accountability means scheduling specific times to check in and make sure your agreements are producing the results you want. It’s important during this stage to communicate with each other to ensure progress and to make any changes necessary. Accountability also generates a trusting relationship with your ex–when you see each other following through, you are each more likely to trust the other person in the future.

Meeting regularly to ensure accountability will help you cover all 5 Steps to Successful Co-Parenting:

1. Is your Intention still the focus?
2. Do all members continue to Share a Vision?
3. Does the Negotiation process need to continue?
4. Do new, or stronger, Agreements need to be built?
5. Do you have a plan that will guarantee future Accountability?

Co-parenting after divorce almost guarantees that there will be more disputes and references to old ones; there’s a good chance you’ll have more stress and emotion to deal with. However, there is a way to make it work for everyone.

When you make your intention clear, you focus your attention on that which you value. And when you uncover the values of everyone involved, you open the door to mutual satisfaction and a joyful atmosphere for all.

By focusing your attention and committing to your agreements, successful co-parenting is possible–and your children will grow healthy and strong in a positive environment.

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Is Happiness Really a Choice?

Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in the world today? Are you feeling confused about whether you should even try to be happy when there are people losing their jobs, their homes or even being killed in other parts of the world? If so, You are not alone

Many people find it very difficult to maintain a positive, optimistic outlook on life when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world. Some even express a sense of guilt about improving the quality of their own life while so many others are experiencing extreme hardships, traumatic loss, and crushing poverty.

This difficulty seems to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from us. While we are deeply moved by the compassion people have for others, however, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good.

The Way to Happiness

The reality is that your ability to maintain your own happiness and peace of mind in the midst of a troubled world is the best foundation you can have for making a real difference. And here’s why.

1. Because “Sympathetic Suffering” Feels Bad

When you read bad news in the newspaper, watch it on the evening news, or talk about it with your friends over coffee or in online chat forums, how do you feel?

If you focus on the idea that the world is falling apart and on the sadness and suffering of others, it’s hard not to feel worried, sad or even downright depressed. What–if anything–can you do when you feel so negative? Not much, that’s for sure. It’s okay to be happy!

2. Because Your Pain Servers No One

If you stopped breathing would there be more air for others? The same is true about your happiness and peace of mind. Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry about something, and feeling that way made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. It’s okay to be happy!

3. Because Your Happiness and Peace of Mind Can Actually Serve Others

Maintaining a happy, positive frame of mind allows you to be more effective at accomplishing the things that are important to you in your life. It helps you in your ability to serve others, and in serving others you can actually help make the world a better place. It’s okay to be happy!

4. Because Happiness Breeds Happiness

Sadness shared does not diminish the sadness, but happiness shared does multiply the happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness infectious? Why? At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. It’s okay to be happy!

5. Because What You Focus Your Attention On Grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed! This isn’t “magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention. And if it is true that what we really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It really is okay to be happy!

6. Because It Feels Better

This may not seem like a great reason to maintain your own happiness while people around you are suffering, but think about it, when do you get the most done? When do you make the biggest difference in your life and the lives of people around you? It’s when you feel good–when you’re positive–when you are upbeat–when you are happy. Isn’t it? You’re sadness, upset or dissatisfaction helps no one. Give yourself permission to be happy today.

7. Because When You’re Not in Action, You’re In Distraction

With as much as there is going on in the world these days it’s easy to be distracted from your goals and desires. If you’re like most people, when you’re distracted you end up moving around a lot but never getting much done.

The fastest way to make a big difference in your life, and the lives of people around you, is to begin taking actions that move you in the direction of what makes you feel good. And we believe what makes most of us feel the best is when we are living in harmony with what we value and contributing to others. So discover what you value most and take actions that are in harmony with those values. It’s okay to be happy!

8. Because You Say So

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.”

This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say it’s so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. Say it out loud–It’s okay for me to be happy!

9. Because It’s Who You Are

We are born from the essence of pure joy; it is our nature to be happy. But somewhere along the line we learn to believe that we must earn the right to be happy–we must be deserving of happiness.

“Each of us, every person, regardless of wealth, status, age, or religion is given everything we need to be happy and fulfilled. The greatest lie in our culture is the one that says you are broken, incomplete and need something outside to give you happiness.” ~Gurucharan Singh Khalsa, Ph.D.

Happiness is our birthright, it is our nature, it is who we are.

10. Because You Can Make a Difference

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference. If the world seems to be falling apart around you and you believe you can’t make any difference at all, then how else would you expect to feel but miserable? And what can you contribute when you’re feeling miserable?

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

Get connected to what means the most to you–what you deeply value. Find ways to experience those values in your life and also when contributing to others. When you do, you will experience making a difference. It’s not just okay to be happy; it’s the best frame of mind for making a difference.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything that could make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from you, remember your suffering helps no one and may be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully you now see how maintaining your own happiness and peace of mind in these troubled times is the best foundation for making a real difference in your life and the lives of those around you.

With much love,
Beth and Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

Is Feeling Worried and Being Stressed-Out Tying You in Knots?

Do you lie awake at night, worrying? Does the stress of the day seem to weigh you down and control your mood, your decisions, and your life? If so, surely the amount of stress you deal with is taking its toll on you and those around you, keeping you from living the happy life you deserve. You can start to change this right now by determining the root causes of your stress. This is the first step in down the path to living a more relaxed peaceful life.

Root Cause = Fear of What’s to Come

Being afraid of what could happen in the future is a big stressor for a lot of people. You may be stressed over something as small as whether you remembered to set the timer on the coffee maker for the next morning or over an issue as important as whether peace will ever come to the Middle East.

“When I look back on all these worries I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” ~Winston Churchill

Every time you stress over something that could possibly happen, or may never happen at all, you let future fear get the best of you. Here are a few red flag phrases you may hear in your head:

• “Do I have enough… savings to survive if I’m laid off at work?”

• “What if… she turns me down?”

• “Is that the right… doctor for my mother?”

• “How will… my children be affected by climate change?”

These thoughts may even be inhibiting your normal sleep pattern, which in turn will cause you more stress. You may soon find yourself in a worrisome cycle where lack of sleep feeds off existing stress, and new stress feeds off lack of sleep.

Root Cause = ‘Shoulda Coulda Woulda’

Another big stress provoker is concentrating on past mistakes. When you can’t forgive yourself for things that have happened in the past, you only fuel your stress.

• “I should have… studied more for that test.”

• “I could have… done something to help.”

• “I would have been… in a better position to pay for my kids’ college if only…”

Of course, a person may have some normal regret about things they would have like to have had happened differently in the past. But, beware of falling into a worry cycle.

How to tell if You’re Caught in the Worry Cycle

Worrying about the past or the future (or both) can throw you into a worry cycle, and thoughts like those above are what will keep you there; they are the underlying source of your stress. When you’re caught in the worry cycle, you quickly become susceptible to anxiety, depression, confusion, and sadness. Stress can overtake your life at this point and you may even become worried about your constant state of worry.
As we said before, it is perfectly normal to think about the future or wish you could take back or change some things in the past; however, it becomes unhealthy when you find yourself thinking about the same subject over and over, and when you feel so strongly about that subject that it affects your mood and even your relationships.
It’s very hard to be happy when you begin to fall into a worry cycle. So be aware that anytime you start to feel uncomfortable and find yourself thinking about something over and over again the cycle has probably begun.

Setting Yourself Free From the Worry Cycle

Just as with any pattern or habit, it will be difficult to break the worry cycle. This is because worrying has become familiar to you at this point and it probably starts without you even being aware you’re doing it. Fortunately, we have some effective strategies that will help you kick this stressful habit forever.

These next three steps will help you create a new habit that will diminish your stress levels almost immediately:

Step One: Be aware of your feelings. Our feelings are indicators of how well our actions are corresponding with what we value. When we feel stressed, scared, sad, or any other related feelings, our emotions signal to us that something we value is lacking in our lives. Learn what these signals feel like so you can correct the situation before you fall into a worry cycle.

Step Two: Find out what you value. In step one, you learned to be aware of your feelings so you’ll know when something you value is lacking. In order to correct the situation, you must know what that value is so you can satisfy it.

Step Three: Do something! You always have options for taking action in a situation. When you take an active role in the situation, you will feel more in control and you’ll have less time to stress.

Determining the root cause of your stress and following these simple steps will support you in taking back control of your mood, your decisions, and your life. Congratulations, you’re well on your way to living a more relaxed and peaceful life.

with love,
Beth and Neill

Tweet This Post Ping This Post

If this is the first time you’re playing along, you may want to read our initial explanation. You can find it here:
Is It Really True? Quiz Intro

Please remember that in this quiz there are no right or wrong answers. We simply want to stimulate dialogue about some of our commonly held cultural beliefs.

Consider this statement…

We should praise children when they do a good job.

Do you agree or disagree?

Here’s what we came up with as we thought about the statement.

Why would people praise children when they’ve done a “good job”?

As we said last time, we believe that everything people say or do is intended to meet a need or to help them experience something they value. And when we want something we come up with ideas for getting it–strategies such as “praising children for doing a good job.”

So what is it that people want–the values–that motivate them to choose this strategy?

We guess that people praise children because they value:

• Support: to help the child feel empowered in their ability to accomplish something meaningful, and therefore improve their self-confidence.
• Acknowledgment: so the child understands the contribution they’ve made to you through their action.
• Success: helping the child understand which behaviors will support their success in life.

Can you think of any other needs our values people might want to satisfy by using this strategy?

Why this strategy?

Now the question becomes, why would someone choose this strategy?

Behind every strategy we choose there is a belief that guides our choices and our actions. So what are the cultural beliefs that lead people to choose this strategy instead of some other?

Here are some possible beliefs that may lead to choosing this strategy:

• Children need authorities to help them learn good from bad, right from wrong.
• The best way to motivate children is by using praise.
• Without praise children won’t establish a sense of their value or self-worth.

Can you think of any others beliefs that might lead to using praise as a strategy?

Does this strategy work?

If your goal is to have children look to others for their sense of worth and have their actions motivated out of a desire to be praised and to please others–or the fear of not getting this praise–then we would say this strategy works.

We know many adults who depend on the praise and the approval of others for their happiness. We are not immune from this. We still catch ourselves hoping for praise and reward for what we do. And sometimes find ourselves disappointed and questioning our own worth when we don’t get it.

So, if what you really want is for the child to have a high degree of self-confidence that comes from a sense of empowerment, the ability to know if they are acting in harmony with their own values, an intrinsic sense of their self-worth, and the ability to know for themselves which actions will best support their success in life, then we think the strategy of praise probably does not work very well.

To the degree that we’ve come to depend on praise, not receiving it will lead to one of two scenarios–in children and adults alike. Either we start questioning our value, abilities and our internal guidance, or we end up frustrated and rebelling against the “authority” who failed to provide the praise we want.

What new understanding might make a difference?

There are understandings that can help people choose a different strategy than praise.

We discussed one in the first installment of this series: the difference between intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

This time we are exploring the difference between:

Domestication: Any training process that uses a system of punishments and rewards to accomplish its goals.

and

Internal Authority: Using the principles and values we consciously choose as our guide.

Domestication

If you’ve been brought up in a typical world culture, then you are no stranger to externally imposed consequences such as punishments and rewards–praise being one of them.

From a very young age, authorities in your life teach you what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

And you quickly learned that you get scolded or punished for being wrong or bad and praised or rewarded for being good or right.

To paraphrase Don Miguel Ruiz from his book, The Four Agreements: We soon learn to use this system of punishment and reward on ourselves to control our own behavior so we can keep getting the rewards (praise, recognition, a better job, a bigger house, …) and keep avoiding the punishments (ridicule, loss of relationship, loosing our job, …)

It seems that the lesson most people learn from this is:

What other people think is more important than what I think.

Given the amount of time and energy people spend on worrying about what other people think of them, it doesn’t appear that the strategy of praise satisfies the underlying desire to instill people with self-confidence, empowerment, the ability to know and act in harmony with their values, or an intrinsic sense of their self-worth.

What might better satisfy these underlying values?

Internal Authority

Imagine that instead of Praise:

“It was very grown-up of you to help rake your grandmother’s yard.”

“Your such a good boy for cleaning up the crayons.”

“You are so smart to get an A plus on that math test.”

What if we supported children in developing their self-confidence and their sense self-worth by modeling the ability to know what we value and to offer appreciation for how their actions supported us?

Let’s consider these values again. How would we model our value for:

Support:

Our desire to help a child feel empowered in their ability to accomplish something meaningful, and therefore improve their self-confidence.

“I love that you helped rake your grandmother’s yard. I think it helps her understand how much you care for her. Is that why you did it?”

Acknowledgment:

Our desire to help a child understand the contribution they’ve made through their action.

“I really enjoy that you cleaned up the crayons because I like it when it’s clean and tidy and I appreciate your help in keeping it that way. What was important to you about cleaning up the crayons?”

Success:

Our desire to help a child understand which behaviors will support their success in life.

“I’m happy to see you understood all the ideas in your math test because I think this will help you when you grow up the same ways it helps me with our family budget and running our business. What do you like about it?”

How would this be different for the child?

Imagine being raised in a culture where the people in your life understood what they valued and how to express their appreciation for your actions in ways that helped you develop your ability to know what you value.

Imagine that, both at home and in school, you were supported in making your own decisions, with respect for your internal guidance. And that the “authorities” in your life were truly interested in helping you explore what was important to you about your choices.

Do you think people would be as hesitant to rely on their own decisions or as worried about the opinions of other people?

How would it have been different for you?

What occurs to you?

That’s our thinking about this belief statement. Please let us know what occurs to you about any or all of this.

Click Here to make your comment.

We look forward to reading your response.

With great trust and respect for your ability to choose wisely,

Beth and Neill

PS Please remember to sign up for the RSS feed to make sure you are alerted to our next installment of: Is It Really True?

Tweet This Post Ping This Post