How to Get Along  Better with Your Family this Holiday Season

The holidays are here and for many people this time of year brings quite a bit of anxiety. There is so much to do: shopping, getting the house ready for parties, and the big one, the holiday family reunions.

Do you have any concerns about attending your family’s get togethers this holiday season? Is it challenging to relate to some members of your family, in-laws, or extended family? Do you ever feel drained just thinking about attending these events?

Imagine if you could experience your family in a whole new light. Picture walking into this season’s family gatherings with a feeling of excitement and leaving feeling relaxed and glad you went.

If that sounds good to you, then follow these 10 tips to create a new family experience this year–one you’ll enjoy a whole lot more.

10 Tips for Surviving Holiday Stress

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

One of our favorite sayings is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

If you don’t make a conscious choice to have a different experience, it’ll probably end up being exactly the same as it has in past years. So set your intention to have an experience you’ll enjoy this season.

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

The most powerful intentions are both conscious and specific about what you want to experience. If you aren’t clear about what you do want to experience, then it will be difficult to see opportunities to make that happen–and you may not even notice it when it is happening. How do you get clear about your intention?

You start with the qualities you want to experience. You might pick qualities like fun, caring and harmony as what you want to experience this year. Or you might think it would be wonderful if you could experience more connection, honesty, and caring. Take some time to imagine all the qualities that would make your holiday gathering a wonderful experience for you. Then pick at least three that you want to focus on as your intention.

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Now that you’ve chosen the qualities you want to experience, think of ways you could help make this happen. If you want to experience more connection with your mother, you might consider buying her a gift that would be very meaningful to her. If you want to experience more fun with your in-laws you might bring a game that everyone could enjoy playing together.

Get the idea? Look at each one the qualities you want to experience and then come up with at least one thing you can do that might help you experience it.

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Practicing unconditional positive regard for you family members may seem challenging. You might ask: “When my brother complains about everything under the sun, is he doing the best he can?” “When my mom criticizes me about every part of my life, is she doing the best she can?”

Yes. In fact they are doing the best they can.

Stop and think about it. Does your brother look like he’s having fun at these times? Is your mom being effective at getting what she really wants? If they knew a way to take care of themselves that was more fun–and that worked better at getting what they really wanted–don’t you think they would do it that way instead?

So if you get upset seeing people act the way they do, remind yourself: They are doing the best they can. If they knew better they would do better. Then get back to your intention to create what you want to experience as fast as you can. In that moment ask yourself again: “What do I want to experience, and how can I help make this happen?”

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Reading this, you might be thinking, “Don’t take it personally? What if someone says that I’m making stupid choices about my life–how can I not take that personally?”

You can avoid taking things personally if you start with this understanding: Everything people do or say is because they’re trying to meet some need or experience something they value. The truth is, what they say is never about you.

So the next time you hear something you don’t enjoy–the next time you want to defend yourself and justify your position–STOP and remember: This is about them. Don’t take it personally, and then move quickly to Tip #6.

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Now that you know comments directed at you are not about you, you can choose to relax and just be curious.

When someone says something you don’t enjoy try asking yourself a question like: “Wow, I wonder what’s going on with them?” Then imagine yourself in the other person’s shoes: “If I said or did that, what might be going on with me?” See if you can guess what is important to them like we suggest in Tip #7.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Being curious is the first step when playing this guessing game. So if your father says to you: “How can you possibly think that starting your own business is a smart thing to do in today’s economy?” try playing the guessing game. What need could he possibly be meeting or what value might he want to experience by saying this?

Then Guess! He might value security, or predictability. He might be worried about how you’ll pay your bills, pay for health insurance, or save for your retirement. Believe it or not, this is most likely his attempt to contribute to you.

And, remember, he is doing the best he can.

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

One big cause of upset between people is that they don’t know what they want from each other or how to ask for it.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month?” Or: “I hate it when some people start eating before everyone is served.” Or maybe a family member starts talking to you about how your favorite cousin is making such a mess of her life.

What happens then? Do you feel confused or uncomfortable? Do you try to justify yourself, explain the situation, or give advice?

Whenever you feel uncomfortable hearing someone’s concerns or complaints, we believe this is partly caused by your not understanding what they want from you about their complaint.

We suggest you start asking for clarity. Ask them directly or guess what you think the other person might want from you. Often you’ll find they aren’t clear about it themselves. Exploring this is a way to create greater understanding between you. This will also give you the clarity to know if you can actually help them in any way.

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Before you ask for this kind of clarity from someone else, we suggest that you remember tips 1 through 7.

• Remember you made a choice to have a different experience.
• Get present to the intention you created for the gathering.
• You have a plan, stick to it.
• Remember people are doing the best they can.
• Don’t take things personally.
• Get into a curious frame of mind.
• Start guessing.

Suppose cousin Jim says: “I just don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent this month.” What does he want? Ask him: “Do you want to brainstorm some ideas about how you might get your rent this month?”

Or when your grandmother says: “I hate it when we start eating before everyone is served.” What does she want? Ask her: “Would you like to ask if people are willing to wait until everyone is served before we start eating this year?

If your guesses aren’t accurate, they’ll let you know by saying something else that gets closer to what they do want. Your guess will open the way for a conversation that can lead to more understanding and less stress for both of you.

Tip #10 – Be Grateful 

What you focus your attention on grows.

If you constantly notice things that cause you pain, then you will continue to suffer. “He’s such a complainer.” “She always wants everything her way.” “He’s always on my case.”

Try focusing your attention on what you enjoy and then be grateful for it.

It may sound simple. But ask yourself: “What would it be like if the next time I was with my family; I spent my time simply noticing everything that I like about being with them?”

Imagine looking for all the things that you do enjoy, and being thankful for them. “It smells so good in here. I can’t wait to eat.” “I’m so grateful that everyone cares enough to spend time together.” “It’s nice that my mom enjoys having these gatherings at her house so I don’t have to clean up.”

How would you feel if you only focused your attention on the things you do enjoy and then experienced the joy of gratitude?

Enjoy Your Next Family Get Together

So here they are: 10 tips for experiencing your family in a whole new light this holiday season.

Tip #1 – Make a Choice

Tip #2 – Decide What You Want to Experience

Tip #3 – Create a Plan

Tip #4 – Everyone’s Doing the Best They Can

Tip #5 – Don’t Take Things Personally

Tip #6 – Be Curious.

Tip #7 – Play the Guessing Game

Tip #8 – Make Sure You Understand

Tip #9 – Put it All Together

Tip #10 – Be Grateful

Following these tips is the fastest, easiest way we now to enjoy any family activity. If you choose to practice these 10 tips with your family, we’d love it if you’d let us know how it goes.

with love,

Beth & Neill

Ready to Play a New Game?

In part one, we asked you to spend some time paying attention to your thinking. If you did that exercise you probably noticed that sometimes when things aren’t going the way you want them to you end up looking for who’s right and who’s wrong in this situation. Did you also notice how often you think about what you don’t want instead of what you do want?

Great, because in order to end the cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain that comes from playing this blame game, it’s essential to begin by getting conscious of the game and your part in it.

Ending the Cycle

Breaking free from this cycle starts when you learn how to identify what you DO want, instead of focusing on being right and what you don’t want. Focusing on what you do want helps you to escape this cycle, be happier and have a more peaceful life.

Of course, deciding to stop playing this “Right/Wrong Game” and starting to feel better is a little more difficult than just putting a game board back in the box. You need to develop the skills and strategies that help you recognize the cycle and avoid it before it takes over.

Here’s a three-step plan that you can use immediately to help you play a new and more rewarding game.

Step One: Use Your Feelings as Your Guidance System

Remember how the “Right/Wrong Game” causes tension and anger? There is a good reason for these feelings. Uncomfortable feelings are like a danger signal in your emotional guidance system. The danger signal blinks when something you value deeply is missing. If you feel discomfort, you know it’s time to change the game to “What’s Missing”.

Step Two: Realize What’s Most Important to You

If you keep focusing on what you don’t want, you can’t focus on what you do want. You need to identify what it is that you do want in a given circumstance–what’s missing in the situation that you deeply value.

The next time you hear yourself thinking about what it is that you don’t want, such as “I hate it when people don’t tell me the truth!”–slow down and consider why this is important to you. Maybe it has to do with experiencing trust or honesty–maybe what you DO want is trust.

How about if you catch yourself feeling angry and frustrated? You hear yourself thinking, “Nobody who really cared about me would act like that!” So what’s most important to you then is probably being cared for and you being considered. Your “do want” then is to experience caring and consideration.

Realizing what’s most important to you, is the only way that you can figure out how to get it.

Step Three: Go For It!

Now that you realize what’s most important to you a situation and translated it into what you do want, you can take the next step. Stay focused on specific actions you can take or things you can say in the situation to help create more of what you want.

Remember, focusing on what you don’t want is a trap, so stay away from it. If you want consideration, do something that will create consideration. If you want trust, say something that will create some trust.

A small action might feel insignificant but even the smallest step toward your new goal is better than getting stuck in that uncomfortable who’s right who’s wrong cycle.

Being in action will help your tension and anger release! As you work towards the things that will really bring you happiness, you’ll find you don’t want to play the “Blame Game” anymore. Taking action will help you realize that less stress and greater happiness is the best game in town!

The One Game No One Wins!

Do you remember playing board games as a kid with family or friends? Was there one person who was a stickler for the rules–somebody who took all the joy out of playing by arguing every roll of the die?

Now as adults, we might find ourselves playing the “I’m Right, You’re Wrong Game”, but does concentrating on who’s right and who’s wrong ever leave anyone happy and satisfied? Have you become the stickler in your game of life?

if so, you can stop playing that less than satisfying game right away by learning three steps to help you move towards a happier, less stressful and more for filling life.

What are you thinking about?

Before you do anything else it’s essential that you figure out why you end up feeling tense, frustrated or angry in the first place. Take a moment and listen to what you are saying to yourself. Many times, upsetting thoughts end up focusing on things that you “don’t want” and who’s “right” and who’s “wrong” in this situation.

Your thoughts might sound something like this:

“They shouldn’t keep me waiting!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“Somebody who really cared about me just wouldn’t treat me like that!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

“How can they think it’s appropriate to interrupt me when I’m talking!”

(“They’re wrong!”)

Each of these thoughts focuses on what you don’t want to have happen—don’t want to be kept waiting, don’t want to be treated that way, don’t want to be interrupted.

Focusing on what you don’t want makes it very easy to slip in to playing the “Right/Wrong Game”.

Where did we learn to play this game anyway?

The adults in our life played this game with us as kids as a way to teach appropriate and inappropriate behavior. We learned early on to distinguish who’s right and who’s wrong, who’s nasty and who’s nice, who’s good and who’s bad. As we grow up we get pretty good at identifying these things. We also learn to point out what we don’t want, but we’re almost never taught how to identify what we do want–the things that are really essential to us personally.

As we grow, we continue to play this “Right/Wrong Game”–even though it becomes a major stressor that affects our sleep, our attitude, and ultimately, our ability to be happy. Playing this game over and over, creates a cycle of discomfort, confusion and pain. In fact, if you feel uncomfortable thinking about the same issue more than three times, you’ve most likely slipped into this cycle already.

How does the discomfort–confusion–pain cycle work?

Stress can be caused by worry, frustration and anger. Your mood is affected by stress. How you interact with the world is heavily influenced by your mood. Unsatisfactory interactions lead to more frustration and anger. The cycle starts all over again and gets even harder to break.

When your thoughts return to the same upsetting situation, and leave you feeling uncomfortable, tense and angry, you’re probably headed to the Hall of Fame as a major-league player of the “Right/Wrong Game”.

But there’s good news! You can make a fairly simple choice to continue playing this game or to stop. As The Course in Miracles says, it all comes down to one simple choice: “Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

We know this is easier said than done. That’s why in part two of The Games People Play: Being Right vs. Being Happy we’ll take you from being a player in this blame game and show you three simple steps that will support you in playing a much more fun and satisfying game from now on.

Until then, start paying attention to your thinking. Are you focused on who’s right and who’s wrong? Are you paying attention on what you “don’t want”? The answers to these questions will support you in easily understanding and implementing the steps in part two.

Until next time…

To Get What You Need You Have to Know What You Value

Do you ever find yourself unsure of what you “need” in a situation or what would be the “best” thing to do? Would you like more confidence that the decisions you make are not sowing the seeds of regret? If so, you may be intrigued by our response to this question from our community: “What’s the difference between values and needs?” This is our attempt at a very brief education about core human values and a look at how to develop what we call your Values Intelligence, or V-IQ.

Values Intelligence

Let’s start by defining what we mean by core human values.

The word value originates from the Latin word “valere“, which means “be strong, be well, be of value,” and is also the root of the word “valiant.”

We define human values as:

What’s most deeply important to a person, without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.

Human values are the landmarks that guide a person’s choices so their actions are in harmony with what is most meaningful to them. They are what a person finds most important or motivating at the deepest level.

Examples of Core Human Values

To be clear about this. here’s a very brief list of things we would describe as basic human values.

Again, this is a very brief list of examples of core values. Your most important personal values may exclude some that are on this list, and may include many others which don’t appear here.

You may notice that things such as: air, food, water, shelter, etc. are not on this list. That’s because these are not what we would call exclusively “human values.” These fall more in the category of things that are valuable for sustaining life in whatever form.

The important thing to pay attention to when reviewing this list is the last part of our definition. You’ll notice that each of the words in the values list describes something “without reference to specific people, places, actions or times.” If they did, we would call these “strategies” rather than “values.”

This distinction plays an important role in answering the next question.

What’s the Difference Between Values and Needs?

By definition, a need is: a lack of something useful, required, or desired. Therefore, if we don’t consider something useful, required, or desired, we can never be in need of it. As a corollary to this, we cannot “need” something unless it is lacking.

In short: you can’t need it if you don’t value it or if you’ve already got it.

There are a few benefits from shifting our understanding of these words in these ways. One is that by using these definitions we naturally turn our attention to what we value that’s missing in a situation, rather than dwelling on what is lacking that we “need.” This turns our attention from what we don’t have to what we want, which is a much more powerful perspective for identifying our options.

Second, we all know how quickly someone can become “one to avoid” if they always express themselves in terms of their needs. Have you ever heard someone describe someone else by saying, “They’re just too needy!”

But expressing what we want in terms of what we value allows others to relate to us in terms they can identify with. It’s hard for me to imagine anyone reacting negatively to someone “valuing” everything in the examples of values listed above. You’ll probably never hear someone say, “They’re just too valuey!”

The Importance of Knowing What You Value

Everything we’ve covered so far was intended to bring us to this point. We can now take a look at the critical importance of being able to identify your own, personal core values, which is this.

If you misidentify what you value, it’s likely you’ll misidentify what you need, which makes it likely that you’ll develop strategies that will satisfy neither what you need nor what you value.

This is why we believe it’s so important that people begin to develop their Values Intelligence, or V-IQ. We understand this as your ability to:

1. Know what you value
2. Identify what you value that’s missing in a situation
3. Develop concrete, actionable strategies to begin experiencing what you value
4. Take only actions that are in harmony with your values
5. Measure your success by whether you’re experiencing more of what you value

In this process, identifying your personal values is the first step in knowing the most valiant actions you can take in any situation. In fact, we’ve found no better way for a person to begin experiencing a truly “valuable life” than developing their V-IQ.

If you’re new to our work you may be interested in knowing that we offer a free values exercise worksheet.

This is designed so you can use it in any situation or relationship in your life to determine what you value most–the first characteristic of values intelligence.

If you’re interested in developing the other four aspects, subscribe to this blog, read our articles, or visit our store. Helping people with their “values education” is a core part of what we do.

Are Your Self-Help, Personal or Professional Goals Stuck in a Rut?

Have you ever done a self help program–experienced that surge of inspiration in the beginning–then lost motivation for your initial self help goal? If so, you may want rediscover the power of connecting with your higher purpose.

Many times we find ourselves so caught up in the circumstances of our life that it’s easy to focus solely on the problems at hand. We tend to approach life as a series of short-term goals designed take care of our most immediate needs. And while we may keep our long-range goals in mind in the process, the hustle and bustle of all of this activity can easily end up dragging us into an “in order to” rut.

In Order To. . .

• resolve a problem

• satisfy an immediate desire

• accomplish a short-term objective

• make progress toward a long-term objective

Is Too Much Activity Digging You into a Motivation Rut?

While these are all great strategies “in order to” provide a certain level of progress and accomplishment, at the same time focusing so closely on the immediate circumstances of our life and the pressing goals we’ve set for ourselves can lead to sort of myopia. A nearsightedness that disconnects us from the deeper and more profound sense of calling and purpose in our life.

We can just as easily get into an “in order to” rut with our personal development work or our various self help programs.

The surest sign this happening is a loss of enthusiasm about what you’re doing. It’s especially hard to keep-on keeping-on in any sort of self help regimen when you’ve started feeling a sense of apathy, boredom, and drudgery about doing the work.

What’s the Best Way to Get Out Of a “No Motivation” Rut?

If you find you’ve lost a sense of motivation in any area of your life, whether a self development course, or working toward one of your personal or professional goals, it’s time to take stock of how connected you are with your deeper sense of purpose in life.

For us, this usually involves getting reconnected with what we hold as most deeply valuable in life. This requires that we turn our attention again and again to the principles and aspirations that give us our deepest sense of inspiration.

A few years ago we turned our attention from doing live, in-person seminars to supporting a much larger community through the internet. As many of you may already know, creating success with any online business is no small feat.

Many times during our journey we’ve found ourselves needing to pay attention to our own personal growth process. This has been the best way to support maintaining the focus we’ve needed to generate momentum in online business. Whenever we found our motivation diminishing it was vital for us to reconnect with the profoundly inspiring vision we have of helping support the creation of a world that works for everyone.

What Are You Most Passionate about Seeing Happen in the World?

Helping people learn how to turn their attention from suffering and toward creating more vitality, success, and happiness in their lives is one way that we express our own sense of higher purpose. This vision is a deep well of inspiration we are able to draw from whenever we need to replenish our sense of motivation.

In any moment that you are not connected to your sense of higher purpose–your commitment to contributing to something larger than yourself–it’s not surprising that you might find yourself lacking the motivation you need to carry on, whether it’s to complete some self help program or attain any of your personal or professional goals.

So What’s the Short Version of This Message?

The best source of self help motivation available for supporting your ability to keep-on keeping-on is to reconnect with living life in support of something inspiring–your higher purpose.

Until next time…

With great love and a commitment to your success,
Beth & Neill