To answer your question, “does this only work if BOTH parties are willing to work together to reach a solution?”

The short answer is no… it can work very well if one person is committed to sticking with the other person long enough to get under the other persons opinions, judgments, and strategies to what’s missing for them–their unfulfilled needs or what they value.

Now in your situation–obviously I don’t have all the details but, what might help is, if instead of you taking on his opinion, you let him know that you’re wanting to understand what his point of view is about for him.

Now this is where we get into what was talked about in the post. It takes a good needs/values vocabulary, which most of us do not have. For help you can get our complementary values sheet on our website at: http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

Use the sheet on the back to see if you can identify what values might be hidden within his opinions, judgments and strategies. Next time when you have this conversation, after you let him know you want to understand what his point of view is about for him. You can guess… it might sound something like this:

He says: “it’s easy to understand, people drive like idiot” then you can guess something like: “do feel worry about how many accidents driving like that might cause” (this is using natural language and guessing that he probably value safety) and also remember… this is just a guess he’ll give you another clue if this is not accurate, and you just guess again.

Now this is a process–a back-and-forth–with you acting like an explorer. No argument, no upset, just an exploration. Again since I’m not clear about your exact situation or the particulars of your interaction, it’s difficult for me to guess what might be going on for him.

Now on the other hand your friend may just enjoy debating. If so, this process might also be enjoyable for him. People are usually feel very satisfied when they’re supported in getting what’s most important for them.

Well Sunil, thank you so much for asking a question and I hope this helps.

With love,
Beth

I’m faced with a similar situation as described above. I’m in the middle of an endless cycle of arguments with a very dear friend. Every time i try to take his opinion, he assumes I’m not confident about my stand and gets even more vehement in defending his beliefs and forcing his point of view through. This naturally ticks me off and we generally end up screaming at each other. The matter is never resolved and we end up at status quo.

I believe that all our experiences are an external projection of our thought patterns. This is one situation however, that I have been unable to interpret.

Would appreciate your feedback.

Thanks and regards,
Sunil Ahuja