Comments on: Is It Really True? New Rules for the Game of Life Quiz ~ Children’s Self-Esteem

By: Valencia Ray MD

Valencia Ray MD — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:03:20 +0000

I do my best to not beat around the bush, so to speak. I come right out and teach my children to do the best they can, reach inside for their best level of excellence, and not to seek the approval of others. Mistakes are not something “bad”; they are relative experiences to be learned from. I say happiness is an inside job, it is there all along – if we would stay centered in our bodies and stop giving away our power for approval from others. If we feel good that we have done our best and we like ourselves, we have a much better chance of living a happy, healthy and prosperous life and let others do the same.

By: Bronco

Bronco — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 12:18:24 +0000

At first I beleived in praise. For the reasons listed I thought I was doing the “right” things in encouraging my child to take the correct action. But it does feel as though I am training a puppy as hinted in the article. Further on I had a shift of the way I felt about my answer. I have been with professionals seeking a better way of life for myself and it is stressed to use “I” statements along with DESC script (Describe, Express, Specify, Consequences). I have found these and other tools to be a far better way of communication. I was reminded of these in the article. Thanks

By: Barbara

Barbara — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 21:40:22 +0000

I believe it is good to praise a child for doing something helpful, because that is how he can see that the act was pleasing. After reading further, I think perhaps you are making a distinction between appreciation or gratitude and praise. If the child is doing something for her own enjoyment, it probably isn’t useful to offer praise. In that case, the child will enjoy the activity, or not, from her own experience.

By: Beth Banning

Beth Banning — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:26:54 +0000

Jenne, you asked, “But what about when children throw things or hit someone how would we handle that? Would we ask them why they did it and how it made them feel?

I would answer this two ways. First, yes in my opinion it would be wonderful if we started by asking the child what’s going on with them that had them throw things or hit someone instead of just saying something such as, “that wasn’t very nice, say you’re sorry.”

secondly, there isn’t always time for that kind of discussion in the moment. There is a distinction called, Protective vs. punitive use of force. We define it like this: Exercising power over the situation, free from moralistic judgment vs. Use of force to punish someone or to make them sorry for “wrong-doing”.

But we’ll save that for another post.

By: Beth Banning

Beth Banning — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 20:23:42 +0000

Thank you all so much for expressing your thoughts on this statement.

Here are more questions that have been brought up for me.

What is your definition of praise? Does it matter what your intention is when you praise? Is it more value to model self responsible language–letting people know what’s important to you about what they’ve done– or just telling them you think it’s great?

After reading all these comments the biggest thing they brought up for me was, what I see missing most in this area of “praise”. it is exploring what was important to the child about what they did. Supporting them in getting to their underlying values.

Well that’s all for me for now…

with love,
Beth

By: Jenna Ludwig

Jenna Ludwig — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 17:36:38 +0000

Neill and Beth ~

Taken from the article above:
“I love that you helped rake your grandmother’s yard. I think it helps her understand how much you care for her. Is that why you did it?”

This is still praise, in my opinion, even if couched in ways
that affirm joint values. We do not say “good
girl” or “good boy” in our family if we can
help it…it is so ingrained in our culture..
On the other hand, we do use the kind of support that is pasted in this commment.

Thanks for the opportunity to think about this,
Jenna

By: Randy

Randy — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:54:19 +0000

I understand and agree with the concept that we shouldn’t teach children
to work for the “cookie”. This teaches what they don’t want to be instead of what they want to be. However, if you say, “I love that you cleaned up the crayons” then you have embedded praise in what you are saying. You have shown that it is pleasing to you that they preformed this action. I’m not sure there is way out of that. However, children do need a balance from the the “cookie” mentality many face in school and in other activities outside the home. This type of conditioning remains endemic in our society.

By: Susan

Susan — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 05:38:25 +0000

I’ll have to admit, I bristle at the word “praise”. I also have a problem with this being directed only toward children.

Children are people and they need acknowledgment, love, appreciation and support. I know I like to be appreciated when I do something well. I like to be recognized. So for me, this NEVER looks like “Good boy!” or “Good Girl!” A child is neither good nor bad for doing what they are “told” — just manipulated.

For me, it usually looks like, “Wow! I sure appreciated your emptying the dishwasher. Thanks so much! It’s such a relief for me to come home to a clean house.”

Or… “That was so kind of you to make that card for your sister. I’ll bet she’ll feel so happy to know you thought of her!”

Or… “I love the colors in your drawing. They feel so happy… (or sad, or whatever it is I honestly feel when I see them)”.

For goodness sakes… they’re people with amazing minds and just need a safe place to unfold. It’s what they do naturally. Our job is to just not squelch them!

Blessings,
Susan
(Homeschooling mom of six)

By: wordsRmylife

wordsRmylife — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 05:03:08 +0000

Kids should be praised when they do good because it is incentive to continue to do the same or reach even higher.

By: Jenne

Jenne — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 04:20:26 +0000

I love this philosophy and I think it is a great idea. We should definitely teach children to make their own decisions and not worry about what other people think. But what about when children throw things or hit someone how would we handle that? Would we ask them why they did it and how it made them feel? I love reading about this but at times it does make me think that people are so messed up and I want to help them all but how can we do that?