First, we’d like to say that whatever it took for you to leave a marriage that was as painful for you as you describe, is a wonderful thing. We completely understand that moralistic judgment (good/bad, right/wrong) is the most effective tool for motivating action that most of us have at our disposal in today’s society.

But our hope is that as a society we can begin to translate this moralistic thinking–looking outside of ourselves to determine who is the problem out there–into looking inside of ourselves to determine what’s most important to us at a core value level.

With this perspective, you might have been able to observe your husband’s behavior and known clearly that his behavior was not going to support your happiness or create the kind of relationship that you wanted.

With this clarity that what you deeply value that was missing, you could make conscious choices about what actions you were going to take so that you could live in harmony with your core values.

As an example, you said without the ability to identify who’s right and who’s wrong, “I never would have bothered to find out if I was right about his drug use – I simply wouldn’t have cared.”

With this new paradigm, we believe you would’ve cared deeply–we suspect, even more deeply in fact. This is because you would have been connected to what was most important to YOU at a core level.

You would have had the awareness of him “hiding” things from you (and whatever other behaviors you found objectionable), but you would have been much clearer that honesty, clarity, trust are VERY important to you.

You may have then either discussed this with your husband, looked for support to remedy the situation, or taken other actions to create what was missing for you. And despite all these efforts your husband may still not have been willing to change.

But with the awareness that honesty, clarity, trust are vital to you, we believe that you would have been just as motivated–and probably even more so–to make other choices that are more in harmony with how you want to live.

But if the end result is the same, why do we prefer the “values based” approach? Because it is less painful for you in the process.

We have never found someone who holds that they are the victim of another person’s “wrong” actions who does not also experience some level of resentment, hurt, anger, or other negative, stressful emotions while entertaining these thoughts.

Again, we are thrilled you found more happiness in your life by taking the actions you did. Hooray! And, we hope you continue on your journey toward happiness in the least painful way possible.

With Love,
Beth and Neill

Hope you got a chance to read part two.

If not, you can find it here: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/the-games-people-play-being-right-vs-being-happy-part-two

So, before ya go dismissing one of our conceptual tools, remember, not all uses of this tool are BAD, OK??? Sometimes these tools are what we need to find out how to make good decisions against bad ones and lead eventually to the path of happiness. They also lead to mastery of something and task accomplishment sometimes. But not all, sometimes what you are saying is true. But being a chronic rule follower – I have found that following the rules in anything is a sure way to relieve stress and not to have to overthink things. There is a place for rule followers and such.

We all want to be happy.In the past I have been wasting time on thinking about what I do not want.I am not that person any more and it is the best feeling ever-to accept,let go and be.

Thank you so much for your valuable and priceless information.
I am looking forward to part 2.
Warmest regards,Ivelina