Comments on: Want Better Relationships? Unlock Your Conflict Management Toolbox

By: Amy Jewell / Cirklagirl

Amy Jewell / Cirklagirl — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 04:01:12 +0000

Great information here. I have learned a lot about conflict resolution through the study of tai chi. In tai chi, we learn to divert energy that is directly facing by gently guiding it aside. This applies well in many of life’s situations, I have found. I also love the line, “Seek first to understand…” I believe Stephen Covey said that, unless he was quoting someone else. Words are funny like that.

By: Ann Janauer

Ann Janauer — Sun, 11 Jan 2009 04:08:37 +0000

I love this post. I am one of those folks who try to avoid the unpleasantness of disagreement. I used to handle it by always finding a way to agree. But then I became such a wishy washy people pleaser I was unhappy with myself. Instinctively I moved over to something like the steps you suggest so I know that this works but recently I have started working with my sister and brother to run a private school started by our parents and I find that I am so afraid of my sister’s disapproval that I am back in the same old fear of confrontation I thought I grew out of. I think focusing on the values and trusting that we both want the same things (the school to be a great academic experience for our students) then I should be able to get past this. Thanks for the help.

By: Beth Banning

Beth Banning — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 20:42:59 +0000

Beautifully said Jacqueline.

I so agree when you said, “When we stop seeing others as the “enemy” and start seeing them as just like us but with different life filters, we stop expecting conflict. Then we approach situations with the attitude of wanting to understand the other person and focusing on solutions that best serve all concerned”

We liken it to being an explorer… when you have the mindset of an explorer you can think of a confrontation as a treasure map, a map that can guide you across a sea of uncertainty and different opinions. Through persistence you can discover a magnificent treasure of values that were hidden just over the horizon of dissatisfaction and complaints. Discovering what everyone values can give you the clarity you need to negotiate strategies that will satisfy everyone involved.

As we said above the truth you can use as a compass to direct your course is that anything people do or say is always because they value something or they are trying to meet some need. It’s never really about you! The ability to accurately identify what everyone values and needs is essential for creating those satisfying outcomes are talking about.

Thanks again for stopping by and interacting with us. and also thanks for all the wonderful work you’re doing in the world.

By: Jacqueline Stone

Jacqueline Stone — Fri, 09 Jan 2009 16:59:36 +0000

What a wonderful post! I am one of those people who used to avoid conflict at any cost. It all came down to fear, not so much of the conflict itself, but of not being good enough in some way. My self-worth was sub-zero, so if someone disagreed with me or something I did, I felt they were probably right, and I was ashamed. A big part of it was an unconscious belief that everyone and everything was there to hurt me. I lived in defense all the time.
The key to changing these self-sabotaging beliefs and programs was developing genuine self-love. I finally came to realize that I am a valuable and worthwhile human being. My feelings and ideas not only matter, they have value. When someone disagrees with me, it’s not a personal attack; just a difference of opinion.
Progress in the area of self-love allowed me to see that conflicts are only the point where different perspectives meet. Neither one is necessarily wrong, just different. Now, I don’t see conflicts; I see areas where greater communication is needed.
Conflict often arises where we expect it to, because we expect it. When we stop seeing others as the “enemy” and start seeing them as just like us but with different life filters, we stop expecting conflict. Then we approach situations with the attitude of wanting to understand the other person and focusing on solutions that best serve all concerned.
Thank you for addressing this very important, and common, issue. You did a great job with it!