Nov 03 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 7

Tag: Creating IntimacyBeth and Neill @ 9:30 pm

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that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 7. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 7: Celebrate and Renegotiate.

Okay, so far you have:
• Created a Safe Space for your
• Commit to the Discovery Process
• Create a Mutual
• Each started asking For What You Want
• Made agreements about who’s willing to do what and when

Now what you need to know is that either what you’ve agreed to will happen or it won’t.

This is just the of making agreements. The typical tendency is to get upset when an agreement isn’t kept. We have a different much more satisfying option.

We suggest, each time someone keeps an agreement, that everyone immediately acknowledge and celebrate this wonderful contribution to your .

However, when some agreements aren’t kept–and some agreements are bound not to be kept–this is also cause for celebration, not the wringing of hands.

Why? Because all it means is that you weren’t as clear as you needed to be to make a successful agreement and all there is to do is renegotiate.

Don’t take it as a personal affront, all it means is that something was missing from the original agreement. Find out what prevented the agreement from being kept. After you figure out what was missing, go back to your and use what you’ve discovered to renegotiate the strategies and make new agreements.

Rebuilding the in your needn’t be difficult. All it takes is that both parties are willing, you have resources that support you, and a mutual to guide you forward.

With these pieces of the foundation in place, your success in building a happy, healthy , filled with and is guaranteed.

With great and appreciation,
Beth and Neill

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Oct 31 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 6

Tag: Creating IntimacyBeth and Neill @ 7:08 pm

that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 6. Make sure you don’t miss the final important step that we’ll post tomorrow. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 6: Appreciation

Any time is a good time to express appreciation for what you enjoy about your . But at this point–more than ever–identifying what you are grateful for and expressing your appreciation for that is very supportive. And as you move forward it helps to have a foundation of appreciation to build on.

We suggest you make a list and then express your appreciation to your partner. You’re with this person because there are things about them that you like. Things that were done that you’ve enjoyed.

This may be a bit challenging if you’re in the middle of a crisis, but don’t worry… If you’re having a hard time coming up with things to appreciate, remember back to the beginning of your or use the values exercised to stimulate the memories of past expressions of .

As we said in part one, you must still believe your is worth some effort or you wouldn’t have gone to all the trouble of reading this far.

Read Part 7 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 29 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 5

Tag: Creating IntimacyBeth Banning @ 10:54 pm

that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 5. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for the next two days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Negotiate, Don’t Compromise

Some experts say that compromise is what’s needed to create a healthy . We believe that understanding the difference between negotiation and compromise plays a big part in being willing and able to stick with the process we suggest here.

In our opinion compromise starts from an “Us Against Them” mindset. The process begins with everyone identifying what they want. Then they find out who’s willing to give up what parts of what they want until everyone seems to be willing to settle for what’s left.

This is a recipe for frustration and resentment. Compromise is grounded in the that there isn’t enough to go around, so you have to settle for whatever you can get.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is grounded in a “We” mindset. It starts by finding out what everyone values and what is missing for each person in a situation. Then, while they stay focused on concrete ways that each person can get what they value, strategies begin to emerge that make it possible for everyone to be satisfied, without the need for any compromise.

Negotiation requires that each person remain totally committed to giving up nothing they value, while at the same time maintaining an equal commitment to give up any particular strategy that would prevent the other person from experiencing what they value.

We suggest you look at each of the values in your mutual and identify actions each person is willing to take in order to bring those values to life in your . Then rethink every action that doesn’t create the for both of you.

Remember don’t compromise–never do anything that you don’t really want to do. Stay true to yourself and the process.

Read Part 6 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 27 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 4

Tag: Creating Intimacy, Personal GrowthBeth and Neill @ 11:55 pm

that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 4. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next three days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here:
Part 1

Step 4: Ask For What You Want.

Once you understand what’s important to each of you–at a deep, value-based level–it’s critical that you begin to understand what these values mean for each other in concrete, realistic terms.

You see, for one person might look like giving the other person a kiss on the cheek every night when you see each other after coming home. But that wouldn’t seem like at all to the other person–it might actually be annoying. For them might mean being asked about their day, or for their opinion about what they’d like to do that evening.

For your to flourish, you must get to know one another’s likes and dislikes. After you’ve created a mutual for your that reflects what you each value, it’s important to get concrete about the kinds of activities that will breathe life into that for each of you.

Don’t assume that, just because you’ve known your partner for 15 years, you know all their likes and dislikes–or that the other person should know what you like. People change over time, and so do their .

We suggest you dig into your so you can discover what the value words your used mean to each of you. What kinds of concrete things would need to happen for you to experience those values. Make a list.

To figure this out we find it helps to ask:

What would be happening, where would we be, and who would be saying what if this value was alive in my and elsewhere in my life?

Write down your list and make sure you don’t leave anything out.

Read Part 5 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 27 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 3

Tag: Creating IntimacyBeth Banning @ 12:20 am

that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 3. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next four days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Part 1

Step 3: Create a Mutual

Please understand that the same things that support a to grow, evolve, and thrive are also what bring deep back into play. Without trust, and the understanding of what is deeply satisfying for both of you, your can only continue on the same painful path that is already preventing from being a part of your .

We suggest you create this support by forming a mutual for your . This means you come up with a clear, concise statement for what you both want to create in your .

We find it helpful to use the words you came up with during the discovery process–in part two–that describe what you value in a .

Using these words your might sound something like:

We want to create a of freedom, , and where both of us experience , support, and .

Work together and create your mutual today, you’ll be amazed what a difference it makes.

Read Part 4 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 25 2008

Is It Really True? ~ New Rules For The Game Of Life Quiz

As promised, here is the first installment of our new monthly feature:

If this is the first time you’re playing along, you may want to read our . You can find it here: Is It Really True? Quiz Intro

Please remember that in this quiz there are no right or wrong answers. We simply want to stimulate dialogue in our community about some of our commonly held . This quiz comes out of a practice we have of asking ourselves if the beliefs we hold as the “” are our own, or if we have just adopted them unquestioningly. We hope you enjoy playing along.

Here’s the first statement…

of getting a ticket is the best way to stop people from speeding.

Do you agree or disagree?

Here’s what we came up with when we examined the statement.

Why would governments give tickets in order to stop people from speeding?

We believe that everything we say or do is to meet a need or experience something we value. And when we want something we come up with ideas for getting it–strategies such is giving tickets to people that don’t obey the speeding laws in order to stop people from speeding. Since , societies, and governments are made up of people, we believe the same holds true at that level.

Keeping all this in mind, the first thing we want to do is get to the essence–the underlying values–hidden within any strategy.

What values are people trying to satisfy with this strategy?

We guess these might be the needs or values underlying the strategy of giving tickets to stop speeding:

  • safety–so less people are injured or die on the roads.
  • –so you have greater confidence about what you can expect when you get on the road.
  • effectiveness–by establishing clear agreement about what is and is not unsafe.

Can you think of any other needs our values people may be trying to satisfy using this strategy?

Why this strategy?

Now the question becomes, why this strategy? In our experience, behind every strategy we choose there is a that guides the choice and our subsequent actions. So what’s the cultural that led the government to choose this strategy as opposed to any other?

Here’s a possible we came up with that might have led to adopting this strategy:

  • People need authorities who “know better” to set strong boundaries that will govern their actions.

Which may point to these even deeper underlying beliefs:

  • People can’t be trusted
  • People only care about themselves
  • People make bad decisions on their own

Can you think of any others beliefs that might lead to making laws that impose traffic fines as a way to prevent speeding?

Does this strategy work?

If your goal is to make people worry about getting a ticket, then we would say this strategy works. But if what you really want is safety, and effectiveness then we think it’s probably not working very well.

Think about it. How often do you still see people speeding? How often do you speed yourself? Why is it that so many people continue to speed if there’s a law that tells you not to, and is enforced by the use of speeding tickets?

We’ve identified a number of reasons for this, but the one we’ve picked to explore here is the difference between intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation.

We define the difference this way: being motivated from our internal values vs. being motivated from externally imposed consequences.

If you’ve been brought up in a typical world culture, then you are no stranger to externally imposed consequences. They start at a very young age. Early on, the authorities in your life teach you what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and what’s bad, what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

And you probably quickly learned that you get punished for being wrong or bad and rewarded for being good or right.

So here’s another rule–don’t speed. Enforced using an externally imposed consequence–you’ll get a speeding ticket that will cost you a lot of money and a lot of time if you disobey.

What does this strategy accomplish?

Let’s recap:

  • There is a cultural : People can’t be trusted so authorities must tell them what to do.
  • The culture teaches using a system of punishment and rewards.
  • Government came up with this strategy of punishing people who break speeding laws by giving tickets that costs them both time and money.

But what do most people learn from this strategy–both now and when they were children? In our experience the lesson learned is:

Don’t Get Caught When You’re Breaking the Rules.

Given the number of people who still speed, it doesn’t appear that this strategy–or what people actually learn from it–satisfy the underlying desire for safety, , or effectiveness.

What might satisfy these underlying values?

Now let’s contrast the use of extrinsic motivation with intrinsic motivation. What would it take to cultivate intrinsic motivation?

How would we motivate people to do things–such as obey agreed upon speed limits–simply because this was in harmony with their personally held values?

Let’s start with the underlying .

What if we were able to change our cultural from “people can’t be trusted,” to “people can be trusted to make decisions that are for the highest good of everyone involved” because they inherently care for, and want to contribute to others and themselves.

Where would this take us?

Would we change how teach our children?

Let’s see . . . If our underlying cultural was that “people can be trusted to make their own decisions,” then most likely we would want to support them in staying present to what’s most important to them–what they personally value.

And we would probably ensure that our children’s education included developing their . This would support their ability to make decisions based on how their actions might benefit or impact themselves and those around them.

We would still want to do whatever we could to maintain safety, , and effectiveness on our roads, but with this underlying cultural , what strategy might we come up with?

This is where we start getting into very unknown territory. We’re not raised to pay attention to our internal values, or whether the consequences of our actions are in harmony with our values. Instead, we are constantly being distracted by external authority telling us what to do–and by the threat of consequences if we don’t obey.

So where this would go and how it would turn out is anyone’s guess.

But imagine being raised in a culture where your , kind and competent nature was valued and nurtured. Where your ability to reason and come up with successful, satisfying choices for everyone concerned was respected.

Imagine that your education, both at home and in school, had focused heavily on supporting you in making your own decisions, with respect for your internal guidance. And it supported this through teaching, and experiences designed to help nurture these abilities.

Now imagine, as a society we have decided that limiting speed really will support achieving the goal of keeping our roads safe, predictable, and effective. What strategy might you use to achieve the greatest possible compliance with these speed limits?

What occurs to you?

That’s our thinking on the subject. Please let us know what occurs to you about any or all of this in the comment field below.

We look forward to reading your response.

With great trust and respect for your ability to choose wisely,

Beth and Neill

PS Please remember to sign up for the RSS feed to make sure you are alerted to our next installment of: Is It Really True?

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Oct 24 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 2

Tag: Creating Intimacy, Personal GrowthBeth and Neill @ 10:26 pm

that Rebuild - A Seven Part Series

Here’s Step 2. Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next five days. If you missed the beginning of the series, click here: Rebuild Intimacy - Part One

Step 2: Commit to the Discovery Process

Don’t squander your valuable time by playing or expecting the other person to read between the lines. Protect this space so that honest can thrive.

For now, we suggest that you forgo discussing “who did what, when”, or trying to fix “problems.” The faster you can get under the surface of your discontent and reveal what you truly want, the sooner you can begin having a truly happy .

We suggest you start your first dialogue by identifying what you each would value most in an ideal –one that’s working, happy and satisfying. Rather than all the words and upset you may be experiencing now, what is it that you truly want to experience?

Is it , , and , or is it freedom, , and respect? There are no rules about what you should want. Whatever it is for you is just fine. If you would like some support in this values discovery process, you are welcome to use our complimentary Values Exercise as a guide.

Read Part 3 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 23 2008

Little Known Ways to Rebuild Intimacy in Your Relationship - Part 1

Tag: Creating IntimacyBeth and Neill @ 9:57 pm

Issues?

Do you ever find yourself worrying about your –wondering if you’re even on the same page anymore? Are you mostly concerned about how to rebuild the you once had?

If any of this sounds familiar, don’t give up now, there is hope. It’s likely you still believe your is worth some effort or you wouldn’t even be reading this article.

Read on and discover seven simple ways you can rebuild the you once had. Learn how to heal old wounds so you can walk forward hand-in-hand with renewed hope for your future together.

that Rebuild - A Seven Part SeriesRebuild Intimacy

Make sure you don’t miss any of these important steps. We’ll post one a day for each of the next six days.

Step 1: Create a Safe Space for .

Many experts will tell you simply to let your partner know how you feel, what you want, and how you want things to be. Then somehow, if you just get honest enough, everything will start to get better.

While we agree that , we also believe that how and where you begin this makes a huge difference in the outcome.

We suggest that you start by creating a space for –one with some guidelines that will help both of you feel safe and comfortable. Start by exploring whether there’s anything that would prevent either of you from speaking honestly.

We’ve found people are often worried about judgment, criticism and bringing up past wounds. Spend some time discovering anything else that might cause either of you discomfort about having this dialogue. Then come up with some guidelines that will create a safe space for both of you. Try these for starters:

• Agree that you’ll refrain from judging or criticizing your partner–or yourself.
• Agree that you’ll refrain from analyzing past events to determine who was right and who was wrong.

Add any other guidelines to your list that you believe will help you create a safe space for open, honest .

Read Part 2 of this 7 part series, or sign up for our RSS feed so you will be notified automatically when it’s posted.

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Oct 22 2008

Self Discovery - “Is It Really True?”

Everything Old Is New Again

Have you ever noticed how everything seems to cycle back into popularity. Bellbottoms, guys with long hair, tie-dyed shirts–they all seem to be coming back in full force. We read somewhere that it takes about 40 years for things to get recycled back into popularity.

We’ve decided not to wait 40 years to bring back The Full Cup Test, an exercise that we used in our seminars awhile ago. We named this based on an old Zen story that goes something like this:

“Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), was visited by a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. “It’s overflowing,” said the university professor, “no more will go in!” “Like this cup,” Nan-in replied, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

It’s Hard To Receive When Your Cup’s Already Full

We just what this story teaches and we strive to keep emptying our own cups so we’re able to continue learning new things. One way we do this is to think of the tea as a metaphor for the that fill our minds. This tea comes in many varieties for us: beliefs about what life means, who we are, how we should act, and many others. These beliefs motivate our actions and dictate the direction we will take on our life’s journey.

Because of this, we often ask this question: Are the beliefs that I hold as the “” my own beliefs–ones that are truly in harmony with my –or are they beliefs that were handed down from past generations and I have just adopted them unquestioningly?

As we start to question, we are able to empty our cups, which allows us to taste new and more satisfying varieties of tea. We believe this is essential for our continued learning and growth, and for us to evolve into the highest expressions of ourselves.

We also believe that our deepest discoveries emerge in with others. Since we connect with others through language, the most powerful interactions happen through dialogue: sharing our stories, discoveries, and ideas.

To support this in our community, we’re bringing back a modified version of The Full Cup Test. Our aim is to use this as a way to stimulate that promotes discovery. This time we are calling it:
Is It Really True? ~ New Rules For The Game Of Life Quiz

There are no right or wrong answers. Our goal is to stimulate dialogue about some of our commonly held . The point is to ask yourself these questions and comment on what you discover:

  • Do I believe this statement?
  • What cultural is this statement based on?
  • Is this in harmony with my ?
  • Does it support me living consciously and in harmony with what I value most?

In the next few days we will be posting the first installment of this monthly quiz. So sign up for our RSS feed and look for the title, “Is It Really True?” Then drop by and start playing this game of discovery by seeing if you agree or disagree with the first statement.

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Oct 18 2008

Eliminating All Stress Isn’t Necessarily the Answer

Tag: Stress ReliefBeth Banning @ 7:24 pm

I came across this blog post today and it reminded me of a story I heard at a seminar I took some time back. The story goes something like this:

“As hectic as life is, and with as much going on as we all have, we can tend to feel stressed out. So we do our best to eliminate the stress from our lives. Since that’s impossible we work towards as much relief from stress as possible.”

At this point in the story they took a piece of chalk and said,

“So we go about our lives trying to stay as calm as possible, evening out all of the highs and lows of life.”

That’s when they drew a straight line across the chalkboard.

__________________________________________

Then they asked, “If you were in a hospital looking at your vital signs on a monitor, what would the nurses say if they saw this straight line?”

You guessed it, a flat line means you’re dead.


If you haven’t gotten it already… the point of the story is that life has its ups and downs. And some of those ups are actually the most exciting most integrating times of our lives. And some of the downs are our best learning opportunities.

So if we’re only willing to do things where we can stay calm, then we may be missing out on some of life’s most wonderful opportunities.

And as this blog post says, short can actually be healthy for you!

Short term stress is healthy

- Our bodies are designed to deal with short . When we are under stress, adrenaline surges within us and our immune system is heightened. Short- , such as having to give a speech, has a defined endpoint, …

With ,
Beth and Neill

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