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Want More Out Of Life?

Do you often wonder how to be more successful, have better relationships, or just get more of what you want out of life? Do you want to be happier and have more peace of mind?

Thinking about these things, wanting them and not knowing how to actually get them can lead to high levels of stress and frustration. That’s the bad news, but don’t worry because there’s also good news. There are things you can do, steps you can take, that will help reduce your stress and lead you toward a much happier more peaceful life.

“The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

What Are You Thinking about?

In order to clearly understand what is causing stress in your life, you must begin by listening to yourself closely. Every thought that passes through your mind has an impact. Common thoughts such as, “How will I get this work done?” or “I don’t know how I will pay my bills this month.” or “What if someone I love becomes ill?” leave a mark as they pass through. That mark is evidenced by the stress you feel.

All of these stressful thoughts can be turned around so that you can focus on the positive. Instead of wondering, “How will I get this work done?” you could ask yourself, “How much work can I get accomplished today?” and then decide on a realistic answer. This sets you up to meet expectations, rather than fall short.

Imagine worrying about what would happen if someone you love becomes ill. How would you feel? Now imagine focusing on spending a lot of quality time with the people you love. How would that feel? Most worries are focused on some future event you don’t want to happen or things you wish you could change about the past.

Worry Worry Who’s Got the Worry?

It’s unrealistic to think we’ll stop worrying altogether. But, constantly thinking those “what if” and “I should…” thoughts are truly harmful to your happiness. Worry causes stress, stress causes agitation, and agitation makes you worry more. It’s a downward spiral, and one that has major negative effects on your emotional, mental, and physical well-being.

Unless you can learn to break the worry cycle,  the discomfort, confusion, disappointment, and pain that are caused by your everyday unexamined thoughts will continue to be your day to day companion and keep you from feeling happy.

While it’s very normal for us to worry–with practice–that same worry cycle could be turned into a productive process. This process can propels us towards positive change and moves us to another level of happiness.

Take a good look at how you interact with the world. Take some time to reflect on how you face problems and tackle them. Does sitting around worrying ever seem to help your situation? Breaking the cycle is critical.

Breaking Free From Worry

Genuine happiness is only around the corner, but developing the skills and techniques to help reframe the negative and worrisome thoughts that detour your happiness is essential. Breaking free from worry and escaping the vicious cycle is possible, if you’re willing to stop, examine, and then revise your “what if” and “if only” thoughts. It’s like breaking any bad habit–it can be done, with a commitment and some practice.

Here you’ll find a three-step plan that can quickly turn things around and lead you toward a more rewarding, peaceful, and happy life:

Notice Feelings

The first step is to notice when you’re feeling uncomfortable in any way. Contrary to what you might think, your thoughts cause your feelings, but often times we think so many things–so quickly–that it’s challenging to notice individual thoughts.

This is why the very first thing to do is to begin noticing when you feel uncomfortable.  At this point your worry becomes a helpful friend. Worry inevitably makes us feel uneasy, this discomfort can be used as a warning bell to stop and discover what you’re thinking in that moment. Managing your worries and making changes can start by simply noticing how you’re feeling.

Flip It - “Don’t Want” into “Do Want”

Worry usually takes the form of what you don’t want. Now it’s time to figure out what you actually do want. When you find yourself thinking “How will I get this work done?” it’s time to discover what you do want at a core level that has you think that thought in the first place. When you examine this thought you might realize that you truly value productivity and what you do want is to be more effective and get things finished in a timely manner.

Now What? Take Action!

Once you’ve identified the essence of what you really want, don’t stop there, it’s now time to take action. Deciding what actions to take is the next step.

You’ve determined that what you do want is to be more effective and get things done in a timely manner. Remember, worrying about what will happen in the future or fear of repeating a past mistake is what keeps you stuck in the worry cycle. Stay in the present moment. And ask yourself; “What can I do in this moment to be more effective?” “What action can I take right now that will move you closer to getting something finished?”

Each and every small step you take moves you closer to what you do want .Once you get moving in this direction, you’ll find that the process takes on a power of its own, gently releasing you from the tight grip of stress and worry and pointing you in the direction of that peace and happiness you long for. Because, when you’re in action there just isn’t that much time to be worried.

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Inspiration Anyone?

We all need a little inspiration now and then.  And if you think about it, inspiration is really what keeps us moving in the direction of our dreams. Don’t stop now! Here’s a little bit of inspiration to help keep you moving towards your dreams.

Enjoy!

Inspirational Movie for Your Success: The Impossible Dream

How many times have you reached for something, felt it so close, and then gave up? How many times have you decided to change your life, but you still find yourself in the same place?

Everyone desires success in achieving their “impossible dream”, but few people actually make it. In this rare and inspiring movie, you’ll learn how to go beyond your limits and take a “leap of faith” to achieve what is important to you.

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Another Soul-Touching Inspirational Video

Positive, vibrant and purpose-driven living. What’s not to like about that…. from www.leadoutloud.ca.

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Inspiring Video - The Don’t Quit Poem

www.thedontquitpoem.com Inspirational video based on the famous Don’t Quit Poem.

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Thanks for Taking a Look

We hope you enjoyed these videos. A little inspiration goes a long,  long way. Next time you feel frustrated or hopeless about getting where you want to go, STOP and find a big old dose of inspiration to keeps you moving in the direction of your dreams.

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Do You Know Any Difficult People?

Is it challenging for you to stay calm and present in the face of critical people–you know those people that have something to say and can’t say it without raising their voice and trying to convince you that you’ve done something wrong.

Would you like to have options other than cringing, heading for the hills, or yelling back to defend yourself? If so, there are two places to look whenever you find yourself reacting in these ways: In Here and Out There.

What’s Going on “In Here?”

The space between your ears is the first place to look whenever you start experiencing discomfort in any situation. It’s where you’ll find the beliefs that are at the root of the problems you think are happening “out there.”

Have you ever seen someone parasurfing–using a small parasail to pull themselves across the waves on their surfboard? Your thoughts are like the parasail in the wind, the wind and surf is what’s going on “out there.”

If you don’t know how to control the parasail, it’s unlikely that you’ll keep your balance, let alone control where you’re headed. And balance is critical if you want to gain control of yourself and the situation when someone is flipping out.

Falling - Then Catching Yourself - Then Falling - Then. . .

Imagine standing on the surfboard, perfectly balanced, with no force being applied to you, the surfboard or the parasail. Very Zen-like, but you’re not going anywhere are you?

The fun starts when the wind catches the parasail and you feel the drag of the water under the board. In that instance you’re falling forward–and unless you regain your balance quickly, you’re headed for a wipe out.

But then the wind shifts, the waves rise and you’re starting to fall again, and then you regain your balance, and then you’re falling, and then. . .

Keeping Your Balance

To maintain your emotional balance in the face of strong criticism, two things are essential. First, you need to recognize the moment that you start feeling discomfort of any sort. Second, you need to have the skills necessary to regain your emotional balance in a split second.

The first part–recognizing the moment you start feeling discomfort–is actually harder than it may sound.

In studies to prevent police violence, when officers were questioned closely, they recognized that there were typically five verbal exchanges that preceded violence.

Yet these highly trained individuals weren’t even conscious of these exchanges until they were probed. Once they recognized this they saw that the violence may have been avoided if any one of these exchanges had been handled a little bit differently.

Like these officers, you have an emotional guidance system that is highly tuned to alert you to the first moment that things are getting out of balance. And your emotions are much like the control lines on the parasail.

It’s by learning to accurately respond to the way you feel–the lines–that you gain control of your thinking–the parasail. This is how you keep your balance and control the direction the situation is heading.

Controlling What’s Happening Out There

Unfortunately, very few of us are trained how to use our emotional guidance system, how it relates to our thinking, or how emotions and thinking control our behavior.

It seems most of us grow up believing that we’re being dragged through life–into and out of one situation after another–helpless to do anything but hang on and hope for the best.

Or even worse: we’ve been misguided about what the control lines are and how to use them to control the parasail. Instead, we’ve learned that being “emotional” is a “bad thing,” “the best defense is a good offence,” “it’s a dog-eat-dog world,” and countless other beliefs that teach us to react rather than respond.

This leads us back to the second part–having the skills you need to regain your emotional balance in a split second. This is essentially the same as learning to control the parasail in the wind. It’s learning to consciously choose the beliefs that govern your thoughts, which often requires you to un-learn prior beliefs.

This is the process of developing what we call your Values Intelligence–your ability to know and apply what you value, regardless of your circumstance.

Without these skills–like the police officers we mentioned–it is unlikely you’ll recognize when things are going wrong, or be able to respond soon enough to prevent minor upsets from escalating into serious problems.

If you’d like to learn more about how you can develop your Values Intelligence take a look at our article: http://www.newageselfhelp.com/main/settling-for-less-than-you-really-want-create-the-life-and-relationships-you-desire-now

And if your ready to do whatever it takes to stop melting down, clamming up, or flipping out, then enroll in The Art of Conscious Connection Online eCourse. It’s specifically designed to give you the In Here skills you need to start gaining more control over the direction of what’s happening Out There.

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Are You Getting In Your Own Way When Attempting to Achieve Your Goals?

Did you ever really, really want something, and try very hard to get it, only to be let down in the end because you were unsuccessful? If so, did this leave you staring blankly the face of your own frustration and disappointment?

This happens to everyone, but there are things you can do that will help you stand up, dust yourself off and get back in action much more quickly.

When you focus on one thing and direct all of your energy toward this specific goal, it is easy to forget what it is that you really want–the bigger picture. Then, if the specific action doesn’t produce the results you want, you’re bound to have a difficult time of it.

Things just don’t always turn out exactly the way we hope or the way we want. But that doesn’t mean your efforts were wasted–and focusing on how disappointed you are probably isn’t the best way to handle your disappointment.

There is an Alternative

Another way to deal with that kind of common disappointment is to discover your underlying values. What were you hoping to experience that had you set that goal in the first place?

Understanding what you are truly trying to get can help you see that your efforts haven’t been in vain and that you actually might even be getting closer to your big picture goals than you were before.

“Life’s up and downs provide windows of opportunity to determine your values and goals. Think of using all obstacles as stepping stones to build the life you want.”
~ Marsha Sinetar

What’s Your Big Picture?

Think about the ultimate outcome you’re hoping for, rather than the tiny steps that don’t really show the big picture. One thing we’ve found that helps is to create a conscious intention that will help guide you toward your big picture outcome.

When many of us think about creating intentions, we think about them in therms of a goal or specific outcome. When we say create an intention, we truly are talking about an intention for the big picture–why you want any short term goal–what you want to experience in your life.

Your big picture might be to experience more peace and harmony in your life. It could be to create more cooperation with your coworkers, or have more fun and experience more caring with your romantic partner.

The big picture related to any of these intentions may involve many people and could be achieved by many different strategies. But, when you create a clear values based intention, it opens the door to a wide variety of options that you might not have been aware of otherwise.

When you have many options available to you, you are much less likely to become disappointed if one particular strategy doesn’t work out.

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Is “Expert Advice” Driving You Crazy?

We received a question from one of our community members.

She’d read Dr. Kevin Leman’s relationship advice that opposes dating after being widowed or divorced until your youngest child is at least 18 years-old, and better yet, when they are 21 or 22 and the nest is empty.

Now, this is a youthful, 50-ish woman with children far from leaving the nest, so this would mean a very long wait for her.

After reading Leman’s opinion she became very discouraged and asked if we agreed that she should wait years before seeking companionship. What is a healthy person supposed to do when they long for companionship and the “expert” says forget about it?

Our Thoughts on the Matter

As soon as we read this we knew this blog post was needed. It’s not uncommon for people to wonder what to do when an expert’s opinion seems so at odds with their own. We’ve run into this before in relation to the advice of other experts–and our answer is always the same.

One saying we love is: The shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice. But you can’t make conscious choices–even about what you hear from the experts–unless you’re very clear about what’s deeply important to YOU.

Opinions Are Like Armpits

Why? Everyone has more than one and they tend to stink if you’re not careful with them.

What we mean by being careful with your opinions is that you are conscious of them, how you’ve come to hold them as true for you, and whether or not they serve you and others in your life.

Everyone has lots of opinions, and we all generate new ones all the time. We are opinion generating machines!

Every expert focuses on particular areas that are very important to them–areas they care about deeply. This has them come up with specific strategies to help themselves and others experience what is important to them about these areas.

Dr. Leman must deeply values particular things that caused him to come up with the strategy: Don’t date after the loss of the mate until the youngest child is at least 18.

This strategy may work great for you–or it may not work for you at all. But you can’t know whether it might work for you unless you know what you hope to create in life at a core level, both with your children and with an intimate companion.

Once you understand this, there may be many other strategies that will allow you to experience what’s important to you that don’t prevent you from dating.

So What Is “Our Opinion”?

Our opinion is that you are your own highest authority. You are best served by looking within to discover what you value most about each aspect of this rather complicated situation. One way to do this is to work through one of our free Values Exercise worksheet. You can find it at:
http://www.focusedattention.com/store/thank-you/free_Values_Exercise_registration.htm

In this case we would suggest that you do a separate Values Worksheet for each aspect of the situation that’s important to you: your relationship with each child, what you hope for from an intimate relationship, etc. Then read our special report about creating conscious intentions. To find it go to:
http://www.focusedattention.com/eZine/FAI-eZine0905_Unconscious_Intentions_Running_Your_Life.htm

Then, while keeping all of the various opinions and advice you’ve received in mind, choose which strategies would work best to help you experience what you value most. After doing this, it may turn out that Dr. Leman’s approach would work best for you, or you may come up with strategies that seem more appropriate for what you want to create in your life.

But you can’t know for sure until you hear from the most important expert–YOU!

Trust yourself. You are your own best expert. The rest of us are only here to support, suggest, and offer our ideas and strategies. The rest is up to you–and that’s the good news.

With much love and respect for who you are,
Beth and Neill

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Alignment - Out of the Auto Shop and Into the Office

Last time you got your car tuned up, the mechanic probably talked to you about alignment. If you want to get the most performance out of your car, it’s important that your tires are all moving in the same direction and working together. Turns out that what is true for cars is also true for effective business communication. Business relationships will be most successful when everyone is aligned and moving in the same direction toward a mutual goal.

Alignment goes beyond just improving your communication skills or trying a new listening technique. Truly effective communication, whether it’s for business or some other interaction where you and others are working to create the best outcome, begins with alignment.

We Are All Inter-Connected

Here’s another way to look at it: generally we go about our own business, trying to achieve our personal results. We forget how inter-connected we are with other people. Our interconnections limit how far we can get toward our own desired result. With alignment, we share the same vision with our interconnected partners. We are much more likely to reach the desired outcome. Alignment opens the way for greater success and mutual satisfaction.

Start with Personal Alignment

The first step to creating alignment with someone else, is identifying, and expressing, what you feel is most important to you about the outcome you want. Here is where you’ll need to figure out the underlying values that support the outcome you hope for. Maybe you would like people in the office to show up 15 minutes before the start of a meeting. Searching for the hidden value might make you realize that consideration is very important to you, or you maybe you highly value preparedness. Don’t forget, no matter what the desired outcome, underneath something you value is motivating you to want that outcome.

Aligning with Others

Now that you recognize your own underlying values, you need to figure out what the other person or the group values. This is a discovery process so start by expressing the values you’ve realized are critical to you in your work environment. Find out how important those things are to the other people involved. Would your partner or partners be willing to search for ways to create that kind of environment? In the process of aligning your values, you are creating a shared vision. If you state your shared vision it might be something like increasing effectiveness, or enhancing productivity or working together more harmoniously. When you have defined your shared vision, you can start to discuss strategies to achieve the desired results.

Things to Remember for the Alignment Discussion:

Try to keep the alignment conversation as action-free as possible. This is a beginning phase, so you might want to start by agreeing with the other person that you will not get bogged down with the specifics of what you want or how you’re going to get what you want.

Once your shared vision is established, you will have plenty of time to discuss how to reach your goals. Before you begin, agree that talking about the failures of the past isn’t effective during this phase. (Examining the past can be useful because it might help you to understand values that may have been lacking, but avoid assigning fault or using it to justify your skepticism.)

Here are some other valuable pieces to add to the conversation:

A commitment to stay away from negative criticism or judgments;
An openness to explore strategies that you both can agree on;
An agreement to celebrate all wins that result from this conversation.

Now that you are sharing the same vision and you’re working toward the same outcome, the big picture becomes clear. Alignment makes it easier to produces results that are enjoyable for everyone.

With a shared vision, everyone will be traveling along the road of cooperation and teamwork with far fewer potholes than you encountered before. Alignment leads to increased productivity and result in rewarding outcomes for everyone involved.

We would love to hear what you think. Please comment below.

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When Does 50 Plus 50 Still Equal 50?

Do you want your relationships to be fair–where everyone does their part and shares in the benefits equally? Have you ever heard it said that for a relationship to work, it has to be 50/50

Many people today believe the myth that happiness and satisfaction come from 50/50 relationships. In these relationships, people contribute equally– each doing their 50%– to make them work. You can spot people who believe this myth in all kinds of relationships: between friends, romantic partners, family members and business colleagues. Belief in this myth is a major reason why people find themselves dissatisfied and frustrated about their relationships.

Why? Because if we expect the other person to do their 50% and they don’t do it, we’re disappointed and upset. As soon as one person starts keeping score to make sure the other person is doing their 50%, it becomes very difficult to have a relationship that’s happy and satisfying.

We suggest that you stop spending your time making sure the other person is completing their 50% and instead, start being 100% responsible for your happiness and satisfaction in the relationship.

100% Responsible

We know this is a radical idea, but when we pass on the responsibility for our satisfaction and control of our feelings to anyone or anything “out there”, we limit our power and the possibilities for our happiness. We may want to be happy, but we’ve put our happiness in the hands of other people.

Being 100% responsible means you never give up, and never give in on anything that is important to you. If something is missing in your relationship, what can you do to make sure you get it? If something’s happening in your relationship you don’t like, what can you do to change how it’s happening?

Don’t ever leave your ability to have a satisfying relationship in anyone else’s hands. If true happiness in all your relationships is what you’re looking for, start creating 100% relationships with yourself and others today.

This week… Any time you notice yourself checking whether the other person is doing their 50%, stop and identify what’s happening now that you’re not enjoying, what it is that you do want to happen, and figure out one thing you can do to start experiencing what you want.
Remember, the shortest path to a happy life is found through conscious choice.

We would love to hear from you, what do you think creates a great relationship?

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Effective Confrontation Control

Are you a “confrontation avoider”? Do you find that you will settle for things that do not satisfy you, just to avoid a possible conflict with someone?

What if you could learn to handle confrontation more effectively and find satisfying solutions to any conflicts? Chances are you would be much happier, right?

Learning how to effectively deal with confrontation may not be an easy task. But, avoiding conflicts can lead to even more serious underlying problems.

When you begin avoiding confrontation, you often start to worry about where the next confrontation will be–spending more and more energy worrying about avoiding them. Worry leads to anxiety and physical tension, and then not only do you end up with emotional issues but, physical ones as well.

What’s the First Step Towards Relief ?

Finding a way to deal with confrontation proactively is the first step that will lead to a more peaceful and happy life.

Before you do anything else, we suggest that you reinterpret your ideas about confrontation, and learn to see it as an opportunity rather than an obstacle.

“Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.” ~ William Ellery Channing

Reinterpret Confrontation?

In order to do this, it’s important to really understand what confrontation is. The dictionary defines confrontation as: “a disharmony resulting from a clash of ideas or opinions.” Confrontation takes place anytime people are opposed to each other’s opinions or objectives.

Conflicts don’t happen merely because people have differing thoughts, goals, or opinions, because there will always be people who have different goals and opinions!

Confrontation only crops up when one or both parties view these as “opposing” ideas or believe that their ideas “clash with the other persons.”

Because folks will always have different opinions, the only way to truly avoid or ward off a “confrontation” is to perceive at it from a different viewpoint.

What’s the Alternative?

Here’s an another meaning of “confrontation:” to bring face-to-face. When you recognize that there will always be some people that have different opinions than you, you can begin to relax and see opportunities to meet people face-to-face.

When you begin handling confrontation in a more creative way, you are less likely to defend your position or attack the other person. You’ll be more relaxed and open to exploring the situation and discover solutions that are satisfying for everyone.

You can begin by asking yourself this question: “When I encounter people with different points of view, how can I handle the situation creatively and improve myself at the same time?”

By staying away from conflict you are also running away from opportunities for self-improvement, collaboration, and new understandings, because these are the benefits you’ll get from genuinely meeting someone face-to-face.

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Everybody feels the affects of stress, and most people are often searching for ways to find stress relief. Finding happiness and eliminating stress has many benefits, including physical, emotional, and mental benefits. A healthy lifestyle is one that helps a person manage stress effectively. Happiness is a choice, and many people just don’t realize this. Recognizing any unhealthy thought patterns and changing them can have remarkable effects on your life.

Do Your Pets Make You Feel Happier?

Interestingly enough, the population of pets in America is almost double the population of people in the country. Estimates suggest there are nearly 400 million pets owned by Americans. Owning a pet is considered a terrific way to reduce stress; there are many physical and mental health benefits to the companionship of a loving pet. Having a pet can lower blood pressure, improve cholesterol levels, and make a person more relaxed, happier and healthy overall.

However…..there are some pets that are not as good for you…..

What Kind Of Pets Do NOT Make Good Companions?

Did you know owning certain kinds of pets can actually harm you? These pets can harm you mentally as well as physically, and are usually not recommended as good way to relieve stress. Any pet that can cause pain or stress is probably one to be avoided. Right?

People just don’t generally keep pets when they are dangerous. Having a pet porcupine is not something that is very common. There are plenty of reasons for this, beginning with the fact that you can’t cuddle up and enjoy the companionship of a porcupine. Most people prefer pets that are cuddly and soft, or playful, or offer some degree of love in return for the love and care you provide.

There is one kind of dangerous pet that most people keep at least one of. Wondering what type of pet that is? Your pet peeves.

Most people have at least one of these pets, and some people seem to have tons of them. These are the kinds of pets that cause us tremendous harm-whether we are having peeves about taxes, waiting in line, slow drivers, loud children, neighborhood functions, or whatever we can come up with. Pet peeves cost us energy and happiness, regardless of the breed.

How Much Do Your Pet Peeves Cost You?

Pet peeves are expensive to maintain. It’s the kind of pet that the more attention you pay to it, the worse it becomes. You will become more upset and angry with every bit of energy you devote to your pet peeve.

It seems so simple, to just let those pet peeves go and release some of the pain and frustration that they cause. Keeping that pet peeve close by means you are complaining more about whatever it is that is bugging you, and that just cannot lead to good things in your life.

Where Does Complaining Get You?

Complaining just doesn’t really get you anywhere. It’s like blowing dust off of a table, it has to land somewhere and you will just have to clean it up again later.

When you focus your attention on complaining, you will notice what’s annoying you more and more. It has been said that a pet peeve is merely an opportunity to complain that is seldom missed. This is really a way to actively seek unhappiness.

Focusing on pet peeves does not make them go away. In fact, usually complaining about them only makes them bigger and more irritating. Complaining about slow drivers then leads to complaining about slow cashiers and then leads to complaining about long waits in your doctor’s office. Focusing your attention on one pet peeve only serves to bring out more and make them all more magnified and pronounced. This is not a good experience for anyone-not for you or for your listeners.

Complaining about your pet peeves might seem like a good way to vent your frustrations, but it will be unlikely to leave you feeling more peaceful or relieved. It is the kind of complaining that doesn’t get anything done-complaining about a long wait in a cashier’s line doesn’t make it any shorter.

Let Them Go… Let Them Go…

“Some people seem to go through life standing at the complaint counter.” ~ Fred Propp Jr.

Letting go of your pet peeves, setting them free to live on their own in the wild, if you will, is not done so that the pets will be happier. Those kinds of pets will never be happy anyway. Letting them go is a necessary action so that we can be happier. Anyone that has let go of their pet peeves will vouch for this.

People want to be happy, though, even if pet peeves don’t. Committing yourself to a happy life and working toward experiencing more happiness is an active process that takes conscious effort on your part. But that effort is definitely worthwhile.

But How Do You Set Them Free?

Wondering what the fastest and easiest way is to set your pet peeves free and find more peace and happiness in your life? Work on focusing your attention on the positive things. Experience gratitude. Enjoy your life. Perhaps this sounds overly simplified, and it might be easier said than done-at least at the beginning. But once you get going toward happiness, the process feeds itself and you will become happier and happier, the more you focus on that.

Happiness Breeds Happiness

Stop allowing your pet peeves to take up any more of your precious time. Focus on developing what you enjoy, and focus on the steps you are taking toward happiness. You have emotional reserves, like a bank account, and you need to keep some currency in this account. Every positive event you experience, every piece of happiness, needs to be deposited into this “account” so that you can draw from this instead of focusing any attention on your pet peeves.

Don’t allow any pet peeves to make withdrawals from this emotional bank account.
Any time you feel frustrated by one of your pet peeves, take a moment to focus your attention on something more positive. Turn that energy into thanks and gratitude for something good you have in your life.

Whatever you choose to focus your attention on is what will grow. Make sure that you take the time to focus on the positives, and let those pet peeves be set free once and for all. Pet peeves are truly not the kind of pets that anyone wants-most pets provide comfort, joy, and companionship, and pet peeve only bring irritation and frustration.

Happiness really is a choice that you can make for yourself. Remember to keep your bank filled with thanks, instead of complaints. And the next time you’re looking to adopt a pet, make sure it’s the soft cuddly kind.

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Do you start to question yourself and your relationships when others get angry or frustrated around you? Does other people’s irritation or their temper tantrum cause you to lose sight of your needs and values?

Whether it’s a minor annoyance or full blown rage, it is critical that you remember:
“It is NOT all about you.”

Other people’s feelings are not really about you at all.

“Don’t’ take it personally!”

Remembering this is definitely easier said than done. Especially when someone else is really upset and telling you that everything is your fault.

The trick to keep in mind is the understanding that everything everybody does is driven by the desire to meet their personal needs and to experience what they value.

Everything!

“Let us take things as we find them: let us not attempt to distort them into what they are not. We cannot make facts. All our wishing cannot change them. We must use them.”
~ John Henry Cardinal Newman

Take time to reflect on exactly what it is that the other person values that they are not getting. This is what’s stimulating their anger. When you figure this out it will be much easier to follow the advice:

“Don’t take it personally!”

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What do you want out of your relationship?

Have you ever wished that your intimate other was less insecure, less jealous, more interested, or more supportive? Do you find yourself thinking that your relationship would be so much better “if only” your partner would make some changes?

Sometimes it’s difficult to identify the “real” problems in our lives. We are taught to believe that we can measure how much someone loves us based on what they do and say-and if what they do and say doesn’t match what we want, then they don’t love us enough.

Do you ever give your significant other the
“If they really loved me” test?

This leads people to “test” their relationships by thinking things like, “If he/she truly loved me, then they would…..talk to me more, spend more time listening, take me (someplace), or buy me (something).” How about, “If he truly loved me, then he would NOT (complain so much, criticize me, interrupt me, walk away, spend so much time on a hobby, etc……”

These are not really the best ways to assess or test the quality of your relationships. When we use these types of “tests” on our relationships, we are inevitably disappointed, because we spend too much time focusing our attention on the negative aspects of the relationship, instead of focusing our attention on what we enjoy about it.

“The surest hindrance of success is to have too high a standard of refinement in our own minds, or too high an opinion of the judgment of the public. He who is determined not to be satisfied with anything short of perfection will never do anything to please himself or others.” ~ Hazlitt

Be The Change

Focus your attention on what you DO like about your relationship partners, and you will get far less of what you DON’T like. Remember that what you focus your attention on is what grows and becomes reality.

When you give what you want to receive, you will immediately get more of it back. If you want more support, caring or respect from a relationship, then you must begin by giving more support, caring or respect.

“Be the change you want to see in the world!”

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Are you settling?

Do you notice how often people settle for what they think they can get instead of going for what they really want? How often do you see people plodding along in their jobs, or the same relationship, and it’s obvious they don’t enjoy what they have. And how often do you see people stop short of happiness and settling for things that are barely “good enough?”

There are a couple of reasons we find that people settle for less. Usually it’s either out of fear or because they are disconnected from their values.

When fear is the cause, it can be: fear of failure, fear of loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or the big one: fear being disappointed.

Fear often leaves people cynical and resigned that things could ever be better, and doubtful that they can have what they truly want. But recognizing that you’ve become cynical can be a good thing.

A quote by Benjamin Zander, the author of, The Art of Possibility says it beautifully.
“A cynical person is just a very passionate person who is trying to avoid being disappointed again.”

How deeply do you care?

If you think about it, you would have to value things greatly and care very deeply in the first place in order to become cynical. Apathy simply wouldn’t generate the kind of energy that truly cynical people seem to have.

This disconnection from our values and these weeds of fear take root in the garden of our lives at a very young age. They are fertilized by a life of being told how to think, what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s good and bad, and what’s appropriate and inappropriate.

Before long these weeds start to choke out our hopes and expectations. Were further disconnected from what we value by being rewarded for obeying and punished for disobeying. It is through this process that we learn to settle for less and less.

What is true for you?

Authority figures tell us what is THE TRUTH and we learn to believe what they say - OR ELSE. And somewhere along the line we take these truths on as our own.

We aren’t arguing against the value of cultural wisdom or tradition. We are simply pointing out that there are negative effects when we’re not taught to think critically or to determine for ourselves what is important to us.

Since we aren’t taught how to determine what’s most important to us, we easily become disconnected from an internal sense of our own values. This prevents us from discovering what we value, moment by moment in our daily lives. This makes it hard to cultivate the life and relationships we truly want.

And though we become experts at griping about our situations, we never become skilled at examining our underlying beliefs that keep us in these situations. We never learned to stop and ask, “What is important to me in this situation?” or, “What do I value here and what do I really want?”

We’ll make a rather bold assertion here: the majority of a person’s internal distress comes from being disconnected from their most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that are out of harmony with those values.

What’s the Cost of Disconnection from Your Values?

To see how this might play out, we’re going to use an example that is typical of people we’ve worked with. Pat’s been going to work day after day, week after week, dreading every minute. The only options she sees are either to quit or suffer. You can easily see how settling for this job could leave her feeling frustrated.

But how she feels about her job affects more than just her own sense of well being. How do you imagine she acts with the people at work, and how might it impact the way she is with her family and friends?

Do you imagine her frustration and irritation might cause her to complain about her situation? Has anyone ever complained to you about their dissatisfaction and hopelessness? How did this affect you?

When someone settles for less it affects everyone and not just the person doing the settling.

But what prevents Pat from looking for a solution instead of just plodding along in the same old routine?

As we said before, one reason we end up settling for things we don’t enjoy is fear: Fear of failure, loss of acceptance, fear of the unknown, or fear of being disappointed. We also implied that Pat’s distress might be caused by her disconnection from her most deeply held personal values, and then behaving in ways that were out of harmony with those values.

If this is true, how might getting clear about her personal values help her break out of this pattern of settling for less and propel her into action to go for what she really wants?

How Might Getting Clear About Your Values Help Your Situation?

Awareness of our personal values gives us an internal landmark or reference point that we can use to guide our actions. With this internal landmark we can guide our actions so they are in harmony with what is most deeply important to us — who we really are. So let’s examine what Pat might value that is missing in her current job situation and generating her complaints.

Well, she might deeply value connection and community, but she doesn’t really know her co-workers very well because no one talks about anything other than work.

She might also value contribution, but she never hears form her boss that her work is contributing to the organization or the people it serves. She may also be missing a sense of creativity and freedom that would contribute to her own growth.

Just by identifying how much she values connection, community, contribution, creativity, freedom, and growth, she has already gained enough clarity to see her job and herself a little differently.

Change your perspective change your life!

This change in perspective provides some distance from her dissatisfaction and shifts her focus of attention from her complaints. And as we say, what you focus your attention on grows.

It’s now possible for her to realize that there are things she values that are just missing at her job. With this clarity she can now come up with ideas about how to experience what she values at her present job.

Were not implying that she will be able to create everything she values in her current situation, but until she knows what she values, and how these values are missing in this unsatisfying situation, she will never know what to ask for to get what she wants.

But identifying what she values is just the first step. In order to make a difference, she needs to translate these values into concrete actions that will result in the experiences she desires.

To create more connection and community, she might organize some weekly activities with her coworkers, such as a discussion group during lunch or regular recreational activities after work.

To meet her need for contribution, she might ask her boss to tell her how her work contributes to the organization and the people it serves. And to meet her need for growth she can also ask for support in identifying new ways that she could contribute more successfully.

To meet her need for creativity, she could ask her boss and coworkers if they were interested in hearing her ideas for the growth of the company.

Taking these actions could also contribute to her sense of freedom.

In short, when she is clear about what she values she can begin to take responsibility for creating the kind of life she wants.

What Would You Gain From Consistent Alignment With Your Personal Values?

Clarity about our deeply held personal values creates the possibility of consistent, internal alignment. With this internal alignment we can then share the vision of what we want with others, and begin the process of creating alignment with them about that vision. We can explore whether they share these same values and are interested in experiencing them more fully.

The process of creating alignment with others about our values and vision makes reaching agreements with them, and achieving results together, happen much more quickly and easily. When you create power with other people in your life this way it opens up the possibility for greater success and satisfaction for everyone.

In our example, Pat has discovered the key that will release her from a future of confusion, complaining, and hopelessness. Now she can begin to have the life and the relationships she truly wants.

So, if you’ve been giving up on what you really want, just remember that what you focus your attention on grows. Once you’re able to focus on what you truly value in any situation, and then come up with actions that create exactly what you want most, it’s all down hill from there.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Choice — Both an Opportunity and Responsibility

Every moment of every day we have the opportunity to consciously choose where we focus our attention.  It is one of the few choices that no one can take away from us.

Maybe it’s more than just an opportunity. Maybe it’s also a responsibility since what we choose impacts how we are, what we do, and ultimately who we become. And collectively, our becoming is what will become of the world.

Here’s a video that we found very inspiring, and we hope that you will too!

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Turn Obstacles Into Opportunities to Be Happy

Do you find have multiple obstacles standing in the way between you and your happiness ? Do you seem to constantly sell yourself short, and assume that you are not good enough to get what you want?

This type of thinking may be the biggest obstacle between you and your success.

Worrying that you are not good enough or smart enough or lucky enough to get what you want is what many refer to as “limiting beliefs.” We develop limiting beliefs from previous experiences that didn’t turn out as we hoped or expected.

Past Experiences Create Future Expectations

Every time an undesirable outcome happens, we can develop a new limiting belief or reinforce an old one. As we continue this pattern of thinking, we get farther and farther away from success, and the possibility of being truly happy.

“To grow, you must be willing to let your present and future be totally unlike your past. Your history is not your destiny.” ~Alan Cohen

In order to start changing these harmful patterns of thinking, you must learn to first identify them.

As a way to practice identifying this pattern, try this. As soon as you feel the first hints of any discomfort and doubt, use these feelings as a warning signal and immediately stop what you are doing to attend to these feelings and explore the desires within them.

Conscious Thoughts Create New Possibilities

Discovering the truth behind your limiting beliefs is the next step. For this, identify what it is that you “do” want–what’s missing that causes you to perpetuate this belief. Then take actions that will help you start experiencing these things in your life.

These are two simple steps that start you down the path towards a future filled with happiness and success.

Until next time…

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Overcoming one of the biggest co-parenting issues

Are you Co Parents of  kids that are stuck in the middle of the blame game you’re playing with your ex? Are you both still fighting about things that caused you to split in the first place? Read on to discover co-parenting skills for raising your kids together with much less frustration and stress, and a whole lot more peaceful agreement making.

Co-Parenting Happy, Confident Kids in Five Do-Able Steps

Check out these five easy steps that will have your entire, post-divorce family thriving! Although these steps seem simple, they demand dedication and perseverance. But we all know that your kids are always worth it. So read the steps below and discover how you can mend the past and secure the future happiness for your entire family.

Step One: Getting Clear on your Intention

Many divorced parents are unclear about their intentions as they pertain to their co-parenting situation, and you probably are too. So, the first thing you must learn is the important distinction between an intention and a strategy.

Our definition of intention is a deeply held value you have, expressed as a vision, for a specific part of your life. A strategy is a plan of action that will foster your vision.

If you don’t know the difference between these two, you might find yourself struggling to make agreements because you’re stuck on your strategies. Focusing on strategies usually leads to frustration and definitely limits your possibilities.

One strategy = One opportunity

As an example, you may have chosen to make Friday nights your family bowling night where each member of your family is required to attend. Do you remember why you started this practice in the first place? What was your intention? You may have wanted to provide a consistent, enjoyable way for your family members to spend time with one another.

What you may not realize is that if you’re open, there are many ways to get what you really want. Clarifying your intention, gives you the opportunity to choose from all the available options.

The most important place to begin is to develop a detailed mental image (your vision) that matches your most deeply held values as they relate to your co-parenting situation. This is what you’d most like to experience in this particular situation.

Step Two: Sharing your Vision

Do you know what your co-parent’s intentions are? Once you’re clear on what you want, meet up with your co-parent. It’s critical that you communicate and share your visions with each other so that you can work effectively together. Keep sharing your visions with each other until you are both just as clear on their vision as you are on your own.

Keep in mind that this is only vision sharing time, not strategy planning time. Strategies are critical to getting the life you want, but they will only distract from this part of the discussion, so hold off until later.

Once you and your ex are clear on what each other values, move on to creating a shared intention. Start with baby steps and work from there.

Obviously, it should not be hard for you and your ex to agree that you both want what’s best for your kids–joy, safety, good health, etc. Make a list of all the items you can both agree upon without difficulty.

After that you can begin discussing ideas like family bowling night, but be careful only to suggest these things as tools to achieve your shared values. Continue to build that list of values you both want for your kids until you both say something like, “Wow, I would be so thrilled if we created a life like this for our kids!” That’s when you know you have created a solid list to ensure your children’s happiness and health.

Sharing your vision and creating a shared platform will set the tone for trouble-free discussion, great results, and fulfillment for all parties involved.

Step Three: Negotiate

Is it your intention to settle for nothing less than what is right for your kids, yourself, and your co-parent? Are you committed to negotiating until you can both be happy with your decisions? Are you aware of the difference between negotiation and compromise? This is another important thing to be aware of when working toward a shared vision.

Here’s how the compromise process works: First, find out what all parties want. Next, discover which member(s) are willing to give up part or all of what they want to benefit the group. This is a solution that leaves many members unsatisfied at the end of the process.

The basis of compromise is the mindset that there is a shortage; it’s impossible for everyone to get what they want, and therefore members must cut back on their wants and settle for less.

However, when you negotiate, you find what each person values. As you uncover what is lacking in the scenario, you then begin to determine what’s been keeping you from getting what you value. In focusing on solving this issue, you begin moving toward a solution that will give everyone what they want.

When negotiating, our mindset is focused on abundance and the belief that there is plenty to go around; it’s just a matter of coming up with enough ideas to find some that everyone will be satisfied with.

When we set our minds on the fact that there is enough to go around, that everyone can be happy, we have what is necessary to see it through to a successful end. Always have the unwavering belief that your children will be happy, secure, and be cared for; that what you value for them will indeed become a reality.

Step Four: Build Strong Agreements

The negotiating process has now ended and you’ve come to an agreement, but what is the agreement? Is everyone clear on specifically what they are to do and exactly what they will be getting? It’s common to think you’ve come to an agreement when in actuality there are a lot of details still to be worked out. You need a strong agreement in order to get successful results.

Strong agreements are all about details; they specifically say who will do what and how things will get accomplished. They are clear about who will get what and when they will get it. Strong agreements come about only when each person or party has made a clear commitment to the agreement.

When someone is resistant to the agreement, they are simply expressing the lack of their value in the plan. Go back to your shared vision and intention and make sure you go through negotiation again, this time finding a strategy that doesn’t leave out anyone’s values.

Strength is apparent in agreements where joyfulness is expressed. When people see that their values are being supported within the agreement, they will find joy in committing to the plan.

Step Five: Establish a System to Check Accountability

Sometimes, results do not come to fruition and members get frustrated, even resentful. The best way to know if your agreements are effective is to establish accountability with each member. By doing this early on, and checking back to make sure it is in fact working, you avoid the hurtful feelings that can come when things don’t pan out.

Establishing accountability means scheduling specific times to check in and make sure your agreements are producing the results you want. It’s important during this stage to communicate with each other to ensure progress and to make any changes necessary. Accountability also generates a trusting relationship with your ex–when you see each other following through, you are each more likely to trust the other person in the future.

Meeting regularly to ensure accountability will help you cover all 5 Steps to Successful Co-Parenting:

1. Is your Intention still the focus?
2. Do all members continue to Share a Vision?
3. Does the Negotiation process need to continue?
4. Do new, or stronger, Agreements need to be built?
5. Do you have a plan that will guarantee future Accountability?

Co-parenting after divorce almost guarantees that there will be more disputes and references to old ones; there’s a good chance you’ll have more stress and emotion to deal with. However, there is a way to make it work for everyone.

When you make your intention clear, you focus your attention on that which you value. And when you uncover the values of everyone involved, you open the door to mutual satisfaction and a joyful atmosphere for all.

By focusing your attention and committing to your agreements, successful co-parenting is possible–and your children will grow healthy and strong in a positive environment.

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Are you one of those people who take wonderful care of others and constantly puts your own needs at the bottom of the priority list? if so, do you really think you can continue taking care of anything very well–in your career or your relationships–if you don’t take care of your own needs?  Of course not! Here is a natural stress relief tip you can start using today.

Unrealistic expectations
lead to ineffective action

Be mindful of getting too caught up in being constantly busy and constantly attending to the needs of others. You must take care of yourself-this includes sleeping well, eating properly, exercising, relaxing, and making sure that you have a comfortable balance between helping others and taking care of yourself.

If you have been neglecting yourself lately, now is the time to begin to make some changes that will bring you more peace, harmony, and some relief.

Identify at least one thing you can do to bring more of this peace and harmony into your life right now. Then continue this process by focusing your attention on other ways to keep peace and harmony in the forefront.

Slow it down

Once you slow down from the constant frenzy of a busy life, you will start to find yourself on the path to contentment.

People, like nails, lose their effectiveness when they lose direction and begin to bend.
~Walter Savage Landor

When we focus our attention on supporting ourselves, we grow. Personal growth allows us to enjoy a happy life, one that is filled with meaning and purpose. And, when we have direction we are more effective at everything we do.

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Can Anger Be Useful?

When you find yourself getting angry, do you make an effort to stop, or to “control” your anger? If so, this quote is for you.

“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”
~ Harriet Lerner

Emotions happen for a reason. Whether you are happy, sad, angry, or whatever, that emotion is trying to tell you something. Anger is one of those emotions that happens to be more difficult to listen to because it causes you to feel uncomfortable. And from a very young age most of us were taught that uncomfortable feelings must be controlled.

Think about this: instead of controlling your anger –talk to it–try to understand what it’s attempting to tell you. Asked yourself: “What do I value that is missing in this situation?”

Practice Taking Your Anger By The Ear

When you practice listening to your anger and discover the underlying causes of it, you will be more likely to avoid straying down the path to hell where anger often takes you.

Any emotion, even anger, is a signal that can help guide your life. When you listen, you can hear a brighter future calling you down an different path.

Once you get the hang of  listening to your anger as a guide, you no longer need to wait for full-blown anger before getting off the path to hell. Pay close attention when you first notice those early feelings of discomfort. This is a great time to began questioning yourself about what’s missing and what you need that will help create the happiness you want your life.

wishing you peace and happiness,
Beth and Neill

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Would you like to win every argument you ever have?

But, sometimes you hesitate being truthful with others because you fear it will start an argument you just can’t win?

“Avoiding the topic doesn’t help it go away.” ~ Anonymous

How would you feel if you could say what’s on your mind, confidently, even if you’re worried that your listener would disagree?

Here is one simple step that will stop an argument in its tracks…

There are things you can do to make yourself more comfortable saying what needs to be said and preventing an argument at the same time.

Stop thinking about disagreement like it’s an argument waiting to happen.

Once you’re able to interpret disagreement for what it is–a different opinion or strategy–you’ll begin to feel comfortable enough to simply ask for more information.

When people have differing opinions or strategies and they start to feel tense, under the surface they are really only concerned about getting their needs meet. That’s when the tug-of-war begins.

If you spend your time focusing your attention on simply avoiding an argument–or making sure the other person agrees with your opinion or strategy–you will never be able to address the underlying concerns.

Stick with it.

So instead, continue the conversation long enough to identify the underlying needs and values of each person.

If it’s just a matter of opinion, you’ll each understand the other at a much deeper level. If you each prefer a different strategy, work together to come up with mutually satisfying actions you can each take that will create what each of you want.

When you make a commitment to get clear about what everyone wants, you will become far more comfortable speaking your mind, and ultimately this will get you closer to creating a happier and more peaceful life.

The moral of the post… to guarantee that you win every argument you have, make sure no one loses.

With love,
Beth and Neill

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Is Happiness Really a Choice?

Do you ever feel worried or anxious about the things that are going on in the world today? Are you feeling confused about whether you should even try to be happy when there are people losing their jobs, their homes or even being killed in other parts of the world? If so, You are not alone

Many people find it very difficult to maintain a positive, optimistic outlook on life when they’re constantly bombarded with news about how much suffering exists in the world. Some even express a sense of guilt about improving the quality of their own life while so many others are experiencing extreme hardships, traumatic loss, and crushing poverty.

This difficulty seems to be rooted in a sense of hopelessness about our ability to do anything to make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from us. While we are deeply moved by the compassion people have for others, however, we believe the strategy of “sympathetic suffering” actually does more harm than good.

The Way to Happiness

The reality is that your ability to maintain your own happiness and peace of mind in the midst of a troubled world is the best foundation you can have for making a real difference. And here’s why.

1. Because “Sympathetic Suffering” Feels Bad

When you read bad news in the newspaper, watch it on the evening news, or talk about it with your friends over coffee or in online chat forums, how do you feel?

If you focus on the idea that the world is falling apart and on the sadness and suffering of others, it’s hard not to feel worried, sad or even downright depressed. What–if anything–can you do when you feel so negative? Not much, that’s for sure. It’s okay to be happy!

2. Because Your Pain Servers No One

If you stopped breathing would there be more air for others? The same is true about your happiness and peace of mind. Can you think of one time when you were sad, upset or angry about something, and feeling that way made a positive difference in someone else’s life? You can only give to others what you already have. It’s okay to be happy!

3. Because Your Happiness and Peace of Mind Can Actually Serve Others

Maintaining a happy, positive frame of mind allows you to be more effective at accomplishing the things that are important to you in your life. It helps you in your ability to serve others, and in serving others you can actually help make the world a better place. It’s okay to be happy!

4. Because Happiness Breeds Happiness

Sadness shared does not diminish the sadness, but happiness shared does multiply the happiness. Think about it. Remember, the last time you were with someone that was really happy. Didn’t you enjoy being with them? Wasn’t their happiness infectious? Why? At a very deep level, all of us want to be happy and are drawn to whatever encourages and supports our own happiness. It’s okay to be happy!

5. Because What You Focus Your Attention On Grows

When you consciously focus on being happy, you will find more happiness in your life–Guaranteed! This isn’t “magical thinking.” It is just the way our minds work. We can’t help but recognize and pay attention to those things that are similar to where we focus our attention. And if it is true that what we really want is to be happy, then focusing our attention on the activities and thoughts that contribute to our happiness is essential. It really is okay to be happy!

6. Because It Feels Better

This may not seem like a great reason to maintain your own happiness while people around you are suffering, but think about it, when do you get the most done? When do you make the biggest difference in your life and the lives of people around you? It’s when you feel good–when you’re positive–when you are upbeat–when you are happy. Isn’t it? You’re sadness, upset or dissatisfaction helps no one. Give yourself permission to be happy today.

7. Because When You’re Not in Action, You’re In Distraction

With as much as there is going on in the world these days it’s easy to be distracted from your goals and desires. If you’re like most people, when you’re distracted you end up moving around a lot but never getting much done.

The fastest way to make a big difference in your life, and the lives of people around you, is to begin taking actions that move you in the direction of what makes you feel good. And we believe what makes most of us feel the best is when we are living in harmony with what we value and contributing to others. So discover what you value most and take actions that are in harmony with those values. It’s okay to be happy!

8. Because You Say So

“If you think you can or if you think you can’t, either way you’re right.”

This famous quote by Henry Ford puts it in a nutshell. It speaks to the very essence of why it’s true: if you say it’s so–it is so.

Our thinking can be one of the most fundamental limitations on our ability to be happy–or to be anything else for that matter. Say it out loud–It’s okay for me to be happy!

9. Because It’s Who You Are

We are born from the essence of pure joy; it is our nature to be happy. But somewhere along the line we learn to believe that we must earn the right to be happy–we must be deserving of happiness.

“Each of us, every person, regardless of wealth, status, age, or religion is given everything we need to be happy and fulfilled. The greatest lie in our culture is the one that says you are broken, incomplete and need something outside to give you happiness.” ~Gurucharan Singh Khalsa, Ph.D.

Happiness is our birthright, it is our nature, it is who we are.

10. Because You Can Make a Difference

If you can learn to maintain your personal happiness, regardless of your circumstances, you actually can make a real difference. If the world seems to be falling apart around you and you believe you can’t make any difference at all, then how else would you expect to feel but miserable? And what can you contribute when you’re feeling miserable?

Give up the idea that you–one lone person–can’t make a difference. It’s not true. Just because there are so many things you can’t do anything about, doesn’t mean there aren’t just as many things you can do something about.

Get connected to what means the most to you–what you deeply value. Find ways to experience those values in your life and also when contributing to others. When you do, you will experience making a difference. It’s not just okay to be happy; it’s the best frame of mind for making a difference.

So the next time you feel hopeless about your ability to do anything that could make a difference in the lives of other people who are so far removed from you, remember your suffering helps no one and may be keeping you paralyzed–unable to do anything to support anyone, including yourself.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy

Hopefully you now see how maintaining your own happiness and peace of mind in these troubled times is the best foundation for making a real difference in your life and the lives of those around you.

With much love,
Beth and Neill

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Want a Happier More Fulfilling Life?

We’re always on the lookout for ideas about how to live a happier more fulfilling life and what we’ve noticed is that life lessons can come from the most curious places.

Recently, ours neighbors adopted a new puppy. He is the cutest little thing. If you pay attention, dogs can teach you profound life lessons –in addition to the wonderful benefits you would usually expect, like being a loving companion.

What Can Miles Teach You?

Miles is one of the most precocious puppies that we’ve ever known. He’s a beautiful black lab mix with tons of spunky energy. By watching Miles closely, we have learned two important lessons.

The first lesson we have learn from Miles is: Ask for what you want. Too often we find ourselves doing things on our own, even if we could have gotten help from someone else. How many times have you just done something yourself rather than ask if someone is willing to help you? Someone might be very willing to give you what you want.

Miles never seems to hesitate to ask for what he needs, when he needs it. It doesn’t matter if he’s hungry, wants to play, or needs to go outside, he just asks and then he gets what he wants. We do our best to be like Miles. We have even created a habit of asking for least one thing a day–it helps us practice this lesson.

Why is it So Easy for Miles?

The second lesson: As we tried to understand why it is so easy for Miles and so difficult for many people to ask for what we want. We have settled on two important reasons for this difference:

1 - Miles is not worried that he’ll hear the dreaded word “NO.” He simply has no fear at all about this. Funny, but even when he does hear “no,” he seems sure that if he only asks a couple more times, he will eventually get a yes.

On those really rare occasions when he does hear “no” as a final answer, he is able to walk away and move on to the next important activity in his day, without giving it a second thought.

2 - The other important difference between us and Miles is that he doesn’t spend any time worrying about whether he is bothering anyone or what the other person thinks of him for asking. Miles has no investment in other people’s reactions, and he takes on no responsibility for their feelings. If someone doesn’t want to do what he wants, it’s really no big deal. He moves on, without worrying about that person’s opinion of him.

Miles certainly has not spent a lot of time delving into these ideas about himself and others, nor does he seem to have opinions about it one way or another. But, even without having an opinion, he has taught us something critical–ask for what you want, you might just get it. And you’re definitely no worse off than you were before you asked.

Try It Yourself: Ask for What You Want

If at least once every day you can identify one thing you want, and then ask for it, you will find that there are many times you will get exactly what we want. This is a simple way to achieve more than you could on your own, and the perfect way to put into practice the lessons learned from Miles.  If hearing “no” is the worst thing that can happen, why wait.  Start today and, ask away!

So what do you think, can you learn life lessons from a dog? We’d love to hear from you! Let us know by leaving a comment or joining Google friends connect and staying in touch.

until next time, with love,

Beth and Neill

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